A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please Help! My ex of 4 1/2 years was cheating on me for at least 4 months. It's now been almost a year, and I think he married his mistress. After all the broken promises, the betrayal, the manipulation why does it feel like a big hole in my stomach when I found that out. Was it just me? I tried to do everything for him, I dressed up in lingerie every night, I gave him a bj every night, I would go get dinner, try to kiss him every morning before work. Before all of this I thought we were happy. We didn't really fight, sometimes disagree, but would talk it through! Why did he cheat while with me? And marry his mistress?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): "It sucks when guys do stuff like that"
Well, it sucks when women do stuff like this, it sucks when anyone does stuff like this. I know it sounds like a stupid statement, but when people do hurtful things to us it hurts, it hurts.
It doesn't matter if it was yesterday, or 10 years ago, it still hurts until we get to the understanding that 'you' are not responsible for the hurtful things that are done 'to you'.
BTW, his mistress...she and he are in for a painful marriage that almost certainly will never last. These marriages almost always go down the toilet because of how they get started (with dishonesty and lying as the basis and both people know how dishonest and unfaithful the other person is...talk about a difficult row to hoe).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Well your first mistake is letting a guy date you for 41/2 years without marrying you! Thats a big red flag.
Read, "Why men marry bitches" and "He's just not that into you".
I'm not blaming you here, b/c your guy was a major ass, but you just didn't see the red flags. YOu still think it was a good solid relationship when obviously it wasn't - he wasn't as good a man as you would have liked to believe.
HOpe things get better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought relationships ran in cycles and it was his time to be taken care of. I even told his mistress (she didn't know either) what he did and she (I guess) decided to take him in. He lost his house in the foreclosure debacle and if there were any signs then I chalked them up to the financial stress. What hurt is up to the hour I caught him he was telling me how much he loved me and wanting to get my nephew an authentic soccer jersey from "his uncle Tony" (he said it). I know I'm hurt, but how long is this going to last? Why don't I get a happy ending? --------P.S. Thanks in advance
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (30 December 2010):
I think sometimes we believe that by being what we consider very accommodating to someone, they will love us in return. It doesn't always work that way. Why would you want to be with a guy like that? In my book, you dodged a bullet not marrying this clown. So, his mistress wins the booby prize. Good for her. In a few years, she will be going through the same thing you are going through now. He's now her problem. In the meantime, try and figure out why you would be with someone like him. You deserve more than that. Start trying to figure out what makes you tick so that you don't end up in a similar relationship with someone else. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): It sucks when guys do stuff like that. It's hard to understand sometimes why people do that. I never really understood it.
I too had gone through the same thing and it took me a while to figure out that he was the scumbag and not me. I, was just like you. I did everything for him. I even lost my self identity and worth for him because he wanted me to be that way. He actually had the nerve to tell me in the beginning that he wanted to break up with me cause I wasn't sitting by idly for him. I should have known better back then, but we all do stuff for love, right? But after years of going through all those hoops and finding out he was doing someone while telling me he wasn't(he was a liar and a cheater) that was when I realized he didn't deserve me. No, he doesn't deserve me at all. You see, he deserved to be with that married woman he was doing all these years. And the fact was, he couldn't be with her like that cause she was married. He could have only sex but not the comfort of a woman who was doting and loving and caring and someone that loved him no matter what.I realized that after he broke up with me for some silly reason. He tried to come back but I said no. I closed the door of my heart from him and years later he saw me with the man who deserves all of me and who treats me with love, respect, and dignity.
I'm sorry you are going through this and especially at this time of the year...but think of it this way, this is your chance to shine. It feels sucky right now and you probably feel like the lowest person in the world, but you can get through this. I know you can. From what I read, it sounds like you would make a wonderful woman for a wonderful man out there who will treat you 100 times better than the one that lost you - you know, that scumbag. It was his loss and not yours honey. It is his loss. By losing him...you will gain someone who will treat you like the Princess you deserve to be. This is the time to start anew...and what better time to do it. I wish you tons of peace in your heart to know that you will find that special someone who will love you like you should be loved. : )
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 It is not you ! - you're hurting because you have been betrayed, you are grieving like any one would when you loose someone you love. However - in my opinion the love was 1 sided.
Actions will always speak louder than words. look at his actions, he is not a nice person.
When you're in love with someone your eyes are for them only.
If he was a man who respected you as a person he would have ended the relationship prior to starting another.
Love is not about how many BJ's you give a man or how much sex you have - yes it is an important part, however not everything - A person can have sex anywhere any time with almost anyone if they want to - its sex not love. Love is a whole package.
In time you will see this man is not worthy of your tears.
This man was gutless,I belive his marriage will not last.
Lust dies - love grows.
In my opinion he was in lust with you.
Now dont grieve to long because sometimes while looking backward we miss the doors opening to a new better loving relationship.
So close the door to him, slam it shut ! and move forward.
Just think of it as a step towards meeting the right person soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): it's really unfair to you. If he was so unhappy with you he should have manned up and told you instead of pretending everything is fine, accepting everything you gave to him..it sounds like you did too much for him, did he do anything in return for you?
however if you never ever fight, that's a red flag... if there's no fighting at all it means issues are not being dealt with, one or both parties are in withdrawal from the relationship. That could have been the warning sign...
he cheated because he is too much of a coward to have brought his unhappiness with the relationship to you and broken up with you long ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Read the book "Why men love bitches" by Sherry Argov.
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