A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I let my daughter's male best friend sleep in her bed with her - am I a bad mother? My daughter and her best friend are 17 and I completely trust my daughter's trust in him. I know she wouldn't do anything because she's too insecure for anything sexual at the moment. I don't feel uncomfortable with it but my husband and my mother don't seem too sure about it. If anything were to happen I would never let it happen again, but I don't think it will.
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female
reader, avogado  +, writes (10 June 2012):
I admire your trust as a mother. Don't stress about it, she knows what she's doing. Let her know that you're there for her if you need anything.
In the end, she's her own person. She'll probably have sex eventually and you won't be there to give it the 'okay from mum'. (The 'okay from grandma and dad' are also unpopular ones). Don't hold on so tight because if you don't give her room she'll only stop telling you these things and do them behind your back.
As a 19 year old, I don't want (and I have never wanted) my family to know anything about my love life. You should be happy you know about it at all really.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 June 2012):
 My best male friend slept over at 15-16 and 17 and we never had sex. We were friends not dating. We camped out in the garden in a tent together as well many times. We never shared a bed but the same bedroom (not that it really makes a difference IMHO)
So if they ARE just friends I highly doubt anything will happen.
Trusting your child is a good thing. Showing her that you trust her is even better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): You cant really know what they are up to if they are sharing a bad for the night. They are hardly likely to tell you! Given their young age and the fact that the boys parents might not approve, I would err on the side of caution and not encourage it. If they want to have sex they will, I know. But IF sex does take place and a mistake happens, your daughter gets pregnant, your family and his parents could easily and understandably point a finger at you and say you encouraged them by allowing them sleep together with your blessings.
Also if your daughter does have insecurities and you know this. Why would you want her sleeping with this boy? An insecure person is vulnerable and far more likely to make poor choices. She needs help to overcome her insecurities, please dont rely on those insecurities to keep her `safe`. They are more likely to leave her at risk than safe!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 But at what point isn't this her choice to make? I get that this is a taboo if you are highly religious, or if sex before the age of 18, or 20, or pre-marital sex is illegal. But at 17, in Ireland (and correct me if I am wrong, but she's at the age to consent to sex).. Why would it not be her choice to make?
I think it does come down to trust, because it means you trust her to do what is best for herself, and what SHE wants to. I don't see why this daughter should be treated like a child, when she is 17, and old enough to decide over her own body.
Sure, if you have a policy of no sex under your roof, state that policy. And if she respects you then she wont do it. But when there is no such policy, or a religious situation at stake.. I don't really see why this should be wrong? I mean she's got every right to have sex if she so pleases, but that doesn't mean she will. And I think it shows trust in her that a parents aren't babying her or being over-protective, but trusting her to make her own decisions in life. Trusting her to be able to say no if her friend is trying something with her which she doesn't want to.
Letting them sleep in the same bed if that is what they wanted is not the same as handing her a condom and forcing them to sleep together.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 June 2012):
Cerberus makes a good point. Having them sleep in one bed together makes the idea of sex much more tempting because of the intimacy of being that close to each other. It's like putting dry alcoholic in a room with his vice and being surprised if he caves and takes it. Some people can resist temptation and if your daughter isn't ready for sex I'm sure nothing will happen, but you shouldn't put her in a position where it's more likely for them to get carried away, being hormonal teenagers and all.
You're not a bad mom and I commend you for trusting your daughter, but you're maybe a little naive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): " I'm just saying. Sleeping in separate beds wont prevent anything from happening if they want it to happen"
While that's a good point there is also the scenario where they don't have any intentions of doing anything but being the same bed and having an entire night alone together leads to the unintended. I don't think it's a mater of trust either. We all get carried away from time to time and we've all gotten lost in the moment and done things we shouldn't.
I just think if that's not something she is comfortable with then thinking that it will not happen is very naive. They have the whole night together just lying there. I'd try it on or at least suggest we fool around "to see how brave she is" in a game of sexual chicken. Boredom is a wonderful thing for igniting the imagination.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): " I'm just saying. Sleeping in separate beds wont prevent anything from happening if they want it to happen"
While that's a good point there is also the scenario where they don't have any intentions of doing anything but being the same bed and having an entire night alone together leads to the unintended. I don't think it's a mater of trust either. We all get carried away from time to time and we've all gotten lost in the moment and done things we shouldn't.
I just think if that's not something she is comfortable with then thinking that it will not happen is very naive. They have the whole night together just lying there. I'd try it on or at least suggest we fool around "to see how brave she is" in a game of sexual chicken. Boredom is a wonderful thing for igniting the imagination.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2012):
 OH I do want to talk about the Amish custom of "bundling"
where two teens one male and one female were allowed to sleep in the same bed...
both wrapped like mummies in their own blankets..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundling_(tradition)
"Bundling, or tarrying, was the traditional practice of wrapping one person in a bed accompanied by another, usually as a part of courting behavior. The tradition is thought to have originated either in the Netherlands or in the British Isles and later became common in Colonial America,[1][2] especially in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. When used for courtship, the aim was to allow intimacy without sexual intercourse."
As you can see even without being able to touch it's considered an intimate act.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 June 2012):
Oh, and if they are determined to have sex, trust me, keeping them in separate rooms wont prevent it. They could just as easily go elsewhere to have sex if that's what they wanted... People are naive if they think teenagers wont have sex as long as you don't allow them to sleep in the same bed. They can sleep in different rooms at first and then just sneak to each others beds at night. Or just have sex during day-time when you're at work. Or do it at school. Or in the park. Or a friend's house.
My mom once had a male friend of the family over to stay the night, and he tried to get into my bedroom at night! I was 15! I told her I didn't want him in the house, but she didn't take me seriously, and even though her bedroom was next to mine she didn't hear a thing. Good thing I had locked my bedroom door! I'm just saying. Sleeping in separate beds wont prevent anything from happening if they want it to happen.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 June 2012):
I don't think that makes you a bad mother at all. As long as your daughter is a good girl she's keep her hands to herself and know how to speak up if her best friend tried something she wasn't comfortable with.
I think this shows her that you trust her, and I think that's a great thing to give your children, when they've earned it. Having you trust her is something precious to a young woman, who at this point in her life wants, and needs, more responsibilities in order to grow.
If you thought it was the right thing to do then trust your own judgement. Your daughter is old enough now to start using her own brains when it comes to who she wants in her bed. Giving someone trust, when they have earned it, helps that person grow. Not showing them trust, when they have earned it, will hold them back.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 By allowing your daughter to sleep with her friend, you are allowing her to think that this is accepted behavior which will later only harm her, more than anything else. Today she's sleeping with a friend under your supervision, tomorrow when she goes to college or on an outing with a group of people, she will do the same thing, because her mom has allowed it and there's nothing wrong with it. Do you think that is safe?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Well, I know that has not much to do with the core of the question, but I am curious, this is just so strange ... why did he have to sleep in the same bed as your daughter ?
Don't you have a spare bed, a sofa, an armchair, a sleeping bag , ...a blanket on the floor ?
Sharing a bed is an intimate thing, a bit too close for comfort for just some guest, male or female . ( Of course, being two opposite gender teenagers also brings other possible complications ).
I just had a female friend visiting me over the weekend, as a matter of fact I have a spare bedroom, but had it been not available, she would have slept on the sofa bed in the living room. I would not have chosen to share my bed with her and I surely did not fear any lesbian attack ! Just, it's a matter of personal space , and boundaries, there is no reason to sleep with your guests as long as there is any other option ( as there must be in the case of teenagers who are not too finicky about comfort ).
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 June 2012):
If you want them to start having sex, encourage/allow more of that behavior.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2012):
my male friends were allowed to sleep over but they had to be in the guest room... my mother ever the enlightened one would say "I'm going to bed, I don't care where you are while I am asleep but when I get up in the morning everyone better be where they belong!"
I agree you are being a bit generous and naive in thinking that nothing will happen... possibly it won't but maybe it will and why give them the chance (with permission implied as you let them sleep in the same bed)
I have no problem with him spending the night but make sure they know you want them in separate rooms
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): I personally think you're being a bit naive if you think nothing will happen.
Whether it's wrong or not is your choice. If you don't mind your daughter fooling around with guys in her room then that's fine. But OP I have teenage sisters, my girlfriend has teenage sisters. A kiss, cuddle and grope between friends is nothing these days.
OP do you really forget what it was like to be a teenager? You never experimented with friends? You don't think it's possible that there could be more to their friendship?
If you don't like the idea of your daughter getting sexy with guys in your house then letting them sleep with her in her bed is a bad way of going about that. Not exactly the beet habit to give her either OP. The idea its okay to go to bed to with guys and they won't try it on. 90% of us do. You know this. Ask your husband, mother, friends or even think of your own experiences. Guy + girl + bed, whatdo you think will happen? Would you be okay with your husband sleeping in a bed with a female friend? If not then why not? Hes married and less likely to do anything. Yet its fine to let two single, frisky teenagers spend the night in the same bed?
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Speaking from experience, it could be intercourse waiting to happen. I was in the exact same situation a couple years back. I traveled to new york for the summer to visit my 16 year old girl friend, I was 17. Her mother LOVED me and trusted me with her daughter. I gave her no reason not to. Well, one night she felt like I was too lonely sleeping in the living room sofa so she asked her daughter if she wanted to keep me company. My girlfriend said she wanted to.Her mother said we could sleep in the same bed only for tonight and no funny business was allowed. Well, when all the lights went out and everyone was sound asleep. SHE made her first move on to me. I honestly warned her that we shouldn't be doing this. But emotions and temptations prevailed. We ended up having sex that night. We never told her mother.My point is, leaving two teens of the opposite sex sleep in the same bed can lead to many sexual things. Touching, kissing and eventually sex. Even if they were just friends, just think of it this way, how comfortable do you think they were to sleep in the same bed without feeling awkward? If they were that relaxed then I'm afraid that a platonic friendship is an understatement for what those two share.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):
To be honest with you. I would listen to your husband.
Your husband was a 17 year old boy once. He knows how they think.
It doesnt matter how nice and trusting he appears to be, at 17, it is all hormones and you have laid out the bed for them. Therfore, an opportunity.
If nothing has happened YET, it will ! Make no mistake. Your husband knows more about this than you do. He is right to be weary.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Thinking something didn't or won't happen versus KNOWING something didn't or won't happen are two very different happenings.
It doesn't make you a bad mother, but I do question your judgement. Young adults like your daughter and her male best friend have LOTS of sexual energy coursing through their bodies. Some of which they can ignore but some of which leads them to seek relief from. It's hard enough making the right decisions when you don't have the temptation lying beside you. It's even harder when the temptation IS lying right beside you.
I'll be honest and say I (a male) have slept with women and nothing happened. We slept together in the same bed as young adults and it was fine. However, I have also been in the bed with women as a young man and things DID happen. Either me or the young woman made a pass and the next thing you know we're doing something sexual. And a couple of these women were just my "friends".
So is it possible that your daughter and her male best friend can sleep in the same bed and not do anything? SURE! But remember, this is her male best friend with whom she shares some of her worst fears and tears with. She tells him things she won't tell you and dad. She shares with him experiences - successful ones and failures. While on the outside a friendly one, they share a strong emotional bond that often draws them to wonder about a physical bond. Is it possible they can remain plutonic while in bed? Yes. But it's also possible they can fall to temptation and experiment sexually with each other while in that bed.
Bottom line - don't give them the opportunity to fall to temptation. Let him sleep on the sofa bed in another room or something - but not in HER bed.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, SOShelp  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 If they're friends then nothing will happen...or it shouldn't do. Girls can just have male friends and it's just a generation gap where males and females are socialising more as friends than they did in the past. You're not a bad mother because you trust your daughter but if you are concerned just have a quick word with her about it but don't make a big deal about it.
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