A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is My Boyfriend Gay?I just read another reader's description of the same situation and wanted to pose the same question because I'm driving myself mad. I met a fabulous man three months ago. After three and a half years single it was a relief to meet someone so intelligent, funny, confident and with such similar ideas about the world to myself. However, for the two months we've been having sex he has never had a hard on. By some miracle we still manage to have sex and he even comes but it feels like a squished sponge inside me. I am very experienced sexually and am known amongst my friends for being a hyper sexual person. Therefore, the fact that I am lying beside such a gorgeous man and that I haven't had an orgasm in three months is driving me crazy. When I talked to him about it he insists it has always been the same with his girlfriends and that it takes until he trusts them and falls in love with them for this 'problem' to go away. I was accepting this explanation, and had read about erectile disfunction and that 11% of the male population of his age, 35, suffered from it. This gave me some consolation until last weekend when I met his best friend for the first time. They are both soldiers in the Military and have lived in countries all over the world together. They ended up booking a room together in a four star hotel down the road from me and my friend (long sory). Anyway we went to hang out with them in the room and as the evening progressed through videos of Wham, Rick Astley and wait for it YMCA I felt like the whole world was screaming at me 'He's gay!' My friend independently totally picked up on the fact there was a strange intimacy between them and we both felt like they were the couple and not he and I. On top of it they were sharing a doublebed. I was too afraid to ask if the hotel was overbooked. He hardly touched me and didn't kiss me through the whole weekend, and when later I alluded carefully to the possibility 'there seems to be something more complicated between you and your friend' he ran away, blowing the reaction off as tiredness and hating the music the next day. I have tried to forget about it but can't get it out of my head. He came over last night (wearing pink - Aaaggghhh!!) and although he reiterated again how much he loves being with me (he talks about the future all the time), the sex was the same, and I am now very suspicious of his supposed friend. Other small facts are that he doesn't like kissing, loves sex from behind (although I can't do anal and there's still no hard on), hates going down, is extremely close to his Mother(only actual child (stepsisters)), loves shopping, listens to James Blunt, David Gray and wait for it 'Phantom of the Opera', reads people's tarot cards!!! and definitely spends more time in front of the mirror than I do. Is the world of signs screaming at me or is there a chance that he is a straight/bisexual man with erectile disfunction and a highly developed feminine nature? And by the way how do I bring this up in a way that he doesn't run away screaming again? I am mad about him so it's killing me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Wow, what a great answer, Daniel! I can't add anything else here, other than to say you can be great friends with a gay man, but you can't be a true romantic partner. That is unless you're also a man...
Your instincts are all telling you something. Listen to them, and while it's sad and upsetting to have this gorgeous guy not be 'that into you' it's probably better that you figure this out sooner rather than later.
All the best.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 People are always afraid of saying a man is gay because it looks like you're critizing him for his sexual orientation. To be fair, this is often the case. But here, determining whether he is gay would be the way for you, a woman with natural wishes, to know what to expect from him in bed.
It seems he is gay indeed. This is of course my speculation. I can't really say whether he is gay or not, if I haven't even seen him. And then sometimes you can't tell.
If you take one thing at a time, none seems conclusive. The fact that he has trouble with erections doesn't make him gay. His tastes in music don't, either (you have to know that, where I live, we came to know that the Village People were gay only when the press informed us, and it was quite a shock for many). Wearing pink is no sign of it, either. Many men in this macho land wear pink. And look at Italy, where they even have soccer teams with pink uniforms. Many straight men enjoy lovemaking positions such as the doggy style. Some men don't like giving oral. Many men have a very close relationship to their mothers. Not many men read tarot, but then, by itself, that means nothing. He could be a compulsive buyer. Metrosexuals spend way too much time looking at themselves in the mirror. And maybe he doesn't kiss you and has erection problems because he's not that into you. Et cetera.
The one point that got me thinking, in itself, was the doublebed in a hotel room.
And then, if you put all this together, it strongly suggests he is gay. Me, I'm sure he is. Then, your gut feeling tells you he is gay. And another person who was at the place thought that, too. Maybe we can be sure about it.
The next step, which only you can decide, is what you will do about it. Gay or not, he should find a way to please you, right?
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A
female
reader, sadeyes  +, writes (9 April 2008):
hey
Dont know if you read my reply to other person prb but your guy sounds like mine,excet fact yours has that close friend.My guy cant get erectio in first place and certainly cant keep it long enough for sex,nothing about my guy is gay though,so I do not know if he is or if he has just finished with me due to the fact he cannot have sex with me and thinks he will eventually be left by me when i find someone else that will have sex.It is all very confusing,how long have you beeen with him?Email me direct and we can chat if you need to get some things off your chest
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