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Unrequited feeling for a guy. Will I ever find a guy who really likes me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 28 April 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am 20 and I had an unrequited feeling or is that what you call it at a guy i know for 8 years.

All my life i have known, that I had liked him a lot but I was unable to confess and hid it all this time.

Instead I find joy and happiness just watching him from afar, if he's doing good I'm fine. However, I found out that he got close to a particular someone, I am unsure of him dating the girl but I was definitely heartbroken. I was prepared for this fact but I am unable to perceive the news. It seems like it's more than it seems. Don't get me wrong, I've been through a lot, he left me, we lost contact, he liked someone else but this time it was different. It seems that I've reached my limit. The guy is pretty decent, in fact he searched for me and got my contact number but disappeared not long after. I felt hopeless, I felt like I was being played, at least disappear quietly by those years we've lost contact. Now, I'm in university and I met this one guy. I feel weird, for some reason I can't understand my feelings at all. I get shy, I get embarrassed, I can't look at him in the face. There was this program that I had for some educational charity event. He was my partner. honestly, I feel that

I'm a bit attracted to the guy. I'm not so sure, since my own feelings are confusing me. I was about to give up on everything after being played for 8 years but this guy came.

To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should like him, if I should stop now, it would be better, because the feelings aren't probably strong. I won't get hurt, I won't get played.

I'll be happy, happier in fact but somehow, there's this part of me longing to feel happiness while liking someone.

But after those painful 8 years of experience, I don't feel that i'll ever meet anyone who likes me, even the thought of loving someone new, moving on seems distant.

What should I do? I'm a wreck,

I was never good with feelings. it feels off. and yes I am a shy girl, adamantly shy.

View related questions: heartbroken, shy, university

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (28 April 2015):

At your age (which is currently 7 years ago) I was quite a bit like you. I was always afraid to do the hard thing and expose myself to someone, because I was afraid to get hurt.

I got past that because I learned one important thing. The problem with being afraid to get hurt is that the focus is all wrong: you are the biggest threat to your own happiness, not other people. So by hiding your feelings and never taking a chance, you are hurting yourself more than the subject of your affections ever could.

I mean look at your current situation. Not only is the guy you've fancied for over 8 years completely oblivious to your pining, but by now you've created a version of him in your mind that does not truly exist. You are in love with a fantasy and it's hurting you. You say he left you, but he didn't: you simply never approached him. You say you got played, but you didn't; he'd have to be consciously participating to do that.

Your problem isn't finding a guy who likes you. There will be plenty who will. Your problem is not being able to open yourself up to be liked. And that's something you need to work on.

Your feelings of attraction towards this guy at uni are a good sign. But if you want to act on them, you've got to get rid of this meaningless crush you have on the other guy. You gotta be honest to yourself about your own role in those feelings. Because like I said, that guy didn't leave you or play you. You did. You played yourself by letting all these feelings develop and letting it grow into something it wasn't in your head, all the while never letting the guy know you're into him. He can't be blamed for the hurt that caused you.

Like I said, we are the biggest obstacles to our own happiness. Once you realize that and do something about it, you can have a happy, healthy relationship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 April 2015):

You seem to fixate on people from afar, and you don't let anyone know how you feel about them. You live in a fantasy world; avoiding the possibility a guy may reject you, play you, or not feel the same you feel about him. That isn't really shyness. That's possibly something else.

The guy you crushed on for eight years may have kept his distance for a reason. He likes you, but not as you like him; and contacting you may have been due to the fact you've known each other for so long. You grew-up together, and he may recognize something "different" about how you relate to males. He sees you as a childhood friend.

Why shouldn't he get involved with someone else? Everything you feel is in your "mind" and never gets exposed to light and air.

The guy you're now seeing, is going to notice that odd behavior and move on as well. You don't seem to be able to have direct interaction with people. You don't know how to connect or relate in a personal way. You can only project your feelings onto them, and fear they won't like you. How can they? They can't get near you. Maybe by messaging, or through social media.

You have never been played by anybody. You only crushed on the guy for eight years. If you behave the way you described yourself with the guy you've met at uni; it's not the guys who have a problem. It's not that you can't find anyone to like you. You don't know what to do when they do show any attraction for you.

There is no insult intended to this question. Have you been diagnosed with a social disorder; or have you suffered abuse of any kind?

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (27 April 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntI'm totally confused. On the one hand, you say you're very shy and never confessed your feelings to the first guy and looked at him from afar. On the other hand, you say he left you and say that he played you for 8 years, implying that you had some form of romantic relationship with him, otherwise how could he have played you and left?

Then you talk about some new guy in the picture at university and you wonder if you should like him. What does one guy have to do with the other? If the first guy is out of the picture and with another girl why in the world would you let that situation dictate your feelings toward the new guy?

It seems like you're asking if you should wait for the first guy to return your feelings or if you should pursue the new guy. I think it's pretty obvious that the first guy is out of the picture, so go for the new guy. On the other hand, you describe yourself as incredibly shy, so did you even have a relationship with the first guy, and does the 2nd guy even have a clue that you are thinking anout liking him?

What was the reality of your relationship with the first guy and what is the reality of your relationship with the new guy? Do either of these guys even know you exist?

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