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He's ''not sure about our relationship''?? Is this a temporary natural phase in a relationship? Or is it likely to be permanent?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 28 April 2015)
A female Hungary age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been in a wonderful relationship for over two and a half years now, and I thought everything was alright until last year.

My partner said he wasn't sure about this relationship, so I gave him some space, and he eventually decided that he wanted me in his life after all and still loved me.

Now a really similar case is playing out to my deepest dismay: he says he's in doubt, and now he figured it would be better for him to leave. (Only as a sidenote, his brother did the same with his girlfriend, but returned to her after two weeks and they are happily married.

I don't know if it contributes anything to the question, but it might be useful.) I, however, was in shock, and pleaded him to stay and try to settle things without a break-up.

I know that this is one of the worst things I could do and that I am really cowardly, but I'm still certain we can work it out. He agreed, but I'm really anxious as to whether the situation will ever improve.

What hurts me the most is that I didn't see this coming because we both love each other and we always manage to talk problems ovr and solve them. I know I can trust him and I know he is honest.

What I don't know is: is this only a temporary (and natural) phase in a relationship (this being in doubt and feeling his love fade), or is it permanent?

View related questions: a break

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A female reader, Emyyy Hungary +, writes (28 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465, I'm truly not trying to defend him (I myself am angry towards him quite a few times due to this situation), but I know that he too is suffering. He breaks down crying when I tell him how much it hurts me. I don't know how much you know about MBTI, but he's an ENFP, so he has that real emotional side to him. I've come to know him quite well in the past two and a half years, and I'm certain he takes no pleasure whatsoever in hurting others.

I have been a horrible girlfriend to him. I've caused him pain several times acting in despicable ways: I've criticized everything at times and hurt other people while he just stood dumbfounded, and said he can't believe I can be so evil (he's a peaceful person who hates conflict and aggressivity). I had an incredibly hard childhood, so I took pleasure in taking it out on others.

THIS is probably the main reason he's in doubt - he continually sees the evil side of me, which I desperately want to suppress. I feel I can change, and it would be necessary to do even if he were not around anymore.

I hope I've made myself clear. The real victim in our relationship so far was him, not me, and I'm actually surprised he's managed to stay next to me for so long. Many people who love me and vice versa tell me I'm really lucky to have found such a tolerant and kind person, as they also know how horribly evil thoughts and feelings take over me at times.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI suggest that you get away from this character... indefinitely,... and tell him: "When you finally figure out just how you feel about me.... let me know... and I will tell you, then, if I want anything to do with YOU...."

That's really all you need to do... because nothing else that you do will spare you from the heartache that this guy seems content to visit upon you (after all,... he's done so TWICE, now... and you gave him a "Pass" the first time....)

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntSpeaking from personal experience, I have only felt doubt like that when I wasn't SURE it was the right thing for me to STAY with someone. I think when you get to a point where you have one foot out the door... you ARE ready to leave.

Don't compare his brother's relationship to yours. They are two different people than you and your BF. Don't presume that if he walks away he will be right back with a proposal.

Begging a person to stay doesn't FIX whatever problems he might think there is. It might make him stay, but only temporarily. If he really HAS doubt, he is staying out of pity and you DO NOT want that. PLUS, the doubt will NOT just fade away.

I'd say that after 2 1/2 years you kind of KNOW if you want to be with the person you are with or not. YOU obviously do, but does he? If he doesn't there really isn't much you can do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2015):

WiseOwlE, thank you for taking the time to answer.

I know this is hard to believe, but the only thing I am certain of at the moment is that he isn't cheating and it that it isn't an option for him either. We've discussed it several times. We find it ilogical to find someone else and continue the current relationship at the same time - we would rather discuss it and would let go of the other than lead a double life. Plus, which means a lot, we are both Christians (believers, not ony religious), and this allows me to know we have the same morals, so I know he is trustworthy and honest.

I know for many people this wouldn't mean anything, but I've come to know him thoroughly in this area of life.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (28 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntFor some it is temporary, and for others it's a way to let go slowly. No couple is ever the same and each has different reasons for staying or going. People also respond to a temporary break in different ways. It could be a time to reflect and to miss each other, while others can't cope and even if they are back in the relationship they get paranoid of another break up. I believe when people are in serious relationships there is a code or how to behave. One of the sacrifice is freedom so even when one is tired and stressed you still put effort into making the other happy. I don't think you are a coward pleading him to stay and work things through. You are being honest and you are vulnerable and he needs to respect your feelings. Knowing you could be hurt but still leaving you hanging would be selfish of him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (27 April 2015):

No it's not a natural phase in a relationship. It usually means he is seeing someone else, wants to see someone else, or he has cheating on his mind. Worst case scenario, he has already cheated. He's not his brother. They are two different people. His brother may be teaching him how to be a player. That's easy with a girl in-love with the thought of being in-love. She can't see the red-flags for the fog.

Pleading for someone to stay is desperate. He will stay, but you leave him no choice; but to do things on the side unbeknownst to you.

If a guy constantly hints around about leaving you, that means there is another girl involved. Nobody is working it out but you. He'll play along with it; especially if you're the dramatic-type. Anything to avoid drama and a scene.

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