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What can I do about about my partner's willingness to be too kind for his own good?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 April 2015)
A female Australia age 26-29, *hmonkey writes:

Situation is this.... My partner and I have been together for a year and a half and we live together.

My partner has an ex wife with whom he is still going through separation issues and settlements.

The separation was nasty so he has left it alone because he doesn't want to poke the beast.

When he moved on things got nasty again. Him and his ex had a phone conversation where she didn't like something he said and hung up and he has not heard from her since.

It's been almost 5 months since he heard from her and settlement is in limbo. He says he doesn't want to contact her at the moment because he is happy and doesn't want her causing problems. Fair enough I say. But he does have to eventually face it.

I have a couple issues.

They have been separated for over 2 years, no kids and settlement is still no where in sight.

They are mortgage free so she is living in their house, not paying rent, with all their joint property while he has had to start again and is currently paying rent. She is clearly benefiting from this situation and is therefore not pushing anything and neither is he.

Again he says he just doesn't care because he is being left alone, well duh of course she is going to leave him alone when she is living rent and mortgage free.

What frustrates me is that at any given moment she can pop back into his life and it is unwarranted as they do not have any kids.

My partner is too kind for his own good and I stay silent on this matter because i feel it is none of my business as I don't want to push or encourage him to do something he may regret later. I'll just support him in whatever he does.

I definitely know there is no chance of them getting back together.

From what he tells me she was emotionally and physically abusive toward him and just violent all round. He left the relationship with nothing other than a bag of clothes.

So I am not worried about that, just about him getting screwed over. They both worked and earned good money and worked for what they had, he is entitled to it as well.

Please don't think I am some gold digger because I couldn't care less if he decides to give it all to her, I just want things to be final.

On a separate issue I did something I shouldn't have, I invaded his privacy and snooped in his phone.

Reason being is because I thought surely she has contacted him in the last 5 months and is just not telling me.

Well he is telling the truth when he says she hasn't contacted him, last contact was a text 5 months ago about an issue he told me about.

What I found though is that he has her name saved as a guys name.

I also found he has saved one of his work colleagues whom I don't like as a guys name, so of course I read the nature of the texts between him and the work colleague which is nothing to worry about, purely about work.

Would you have an issue with this or just realise that if his ex texts and I happen to look at the phone first he might just want the chance to read it before I say "what does she want?"

And same with the work colleague, am I over reacting when he probably just doesn't want the issue of why is she texting you when it is purely work related?

I'm not overly jealous by the way but just this one person grinds my gears when she talks to my partner.

Sorry this is a long post and thank you for reading.

I guess I'm just seeking advice about the separation issue and the phone issue (yes I know I shouldn't have snooped, but can't change that I did/what I found)

Thanks again

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, jealous, money, text, violent

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI suggest you get away from this guy, who - evidently - has no spine... Tell him: "Hunchy-bunchy, I really am smitten with you... but I don't want to spend any more time with you until you really ARE "available." IF you need detail of what "available" means... it's this: When you no longer have an (ex-)wife... and all your financial matters have been cleared up... and I can believe that I am "starting over" with you, with a clean ledger. Is that clear, Hunchy-bunchy?"

That might shock him in to action... and - if it doesn't - then you will have learned that he is spineless... and, what kind of a life can a girl make with a guy like that????

Good luck...

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (28 April 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntOP let me tell you something.

There is no such thing as being "too kind" in today's world and neither is anyone so naive, that they don't know, realize or understand the implications of what's happening to them or how much they are willing to tolerate and why.

Your partner will obviously give you his side of the story. Not to allege that he's done anything wrong but why would he just take things lying down if he hasn't done anything wrong? Maybe he doesn't want to disturb the situation because he doesn't want any old issues coming up and affecting his life with you now. In that case, he's just brushing things under the carpet but for how long? Temporary amnesia is not the solution!! Why is he allowing her to live in his house if there is so much water under he bridge? He doesn't even have to do anything directly, his lawyers can do the talking. I understand that he doesn't want to face her...fair enough....but his lawyers can deal with the situation. Why isn't that happening?

OP no one is too kind or too good...it doesn't work that way. And why is he so "kind" with her at the risk of upsetting you? Who's more important for him now in the present scheme of things? Are you telling me that even if you remain silent, this man who's so kind and good doesn't realize that any normal woman who's with him will get troubled given the way things are with the ex? He OWES it to you to make a clean break with the ex. They've been separated 2 years. Why haven't they got a divorce yet? What's stopping him? He hates her so much that he doesn't even want to speak to her and yet not enough to divorce her? He would prefer to remain married to this woman than come out of it once and for all?

As for saving his wife's and colleague's name under a guy's name...well....that's highly suspicious. Plain and simple. Is he THAT non-confrontational that he cant deal with a single innocent question from you? That's impossible to believe OP.

People only hide something when they've done something wrong or when they feel it could get them into trouble. Its the sign of a guilty mind. Unless you nag him to death (which I highly doubt), there is absolutely no reason for him to be so dubious in his dealings.

OP I think YOU have been far too kind and good with him and its its time for some hard talk. Sit him down and voice your concerns. About everything. Look OP, this man has everything to lose and yet he's the one who's calling the shots when really, it should be the other way round. Not that I'm saying that you start bossing over him but you deserve to know what the hell is going on with everything.

Tell him once and for all to come clean about the ex wife. Ask him for a tentative deadline about when he expects the episode to finally get over. If he has to give the house to her, then let him. But it should be legal and she should be out of his life.

Also, catch him completely unawares and tell him about the phone thing. Observe his reactions. Don't let him turn the tables on you by telling you that you snooped, focus on the fact that he's been hiding stuff from you which is why you snooped in the first place and your intuition was right.

Talk to him OP. Communication is the key, as always. It could just all boil down to the fact that he's a big coward (sorry!!) and doesn't want to confront issues and then you have to take the call. Do you think this man is dependable enough to be with for the rest of your life? If he doesn't have the courage or the conviction to stand by what is right when he supposedly has done no wrong, how is he ever going to face bigger challenges in life?

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A female reader, Shmonkey Australia +, writes (28 April 2015):

Shmonkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Xearo I am not trying to be controlling, that is the last thing i want. I don't see myself as being controlling I just want to approach this issue as best I can. As I said I don't want to push him to do something he doesn't want to and he is a grown man so can make his own decisions. I don't see how that is being controlling. We are two consenting adults in a relationship however he has baggage which I accept but I think I have stayed silent on the matter for too long.

The snooping comes with my curiosity about if he is being upfront about everything and it came at a cost because he is being upfront about everything but then I have also found something I am not happy with. Anyway serves me right for snooping. It's something I wouldn't normally do but maybe this while situation is turning me into someone I'm not.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (28 April 2015):

You say you aren't overly jealous but you are the one snooping through his phone.

You ask why would he change their names to a guy's name but again, you are the one going through his phone so I am sure he is protecting himself from people snooping.

I think it is pretty obvious as to why he is not pushing things with his ex to resolve the assets but that is not your business. If it bothers you that he can not resolve his issues then you should talk to him about it and decide if you are willing to stay with him at his own pace.

This guy must have a knack for women who just want to control him or something. He may be too nice for his own good but at least he's not trying to control anyone. You just need to move forward by talking to him. He has to understand that it is unfair to you for him to bring baggage like this into the future, as it will always linger.

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A female reader, Shmonkey Australia +, writes (28 April 2015):

Shmonkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Honeypie,

Thanks for your answer. Yes there are a lot of things that I have to address. I guess you could say at times I am blinded by the fact that we are totally in love then every now and then I am reminded by the reality of the situation, which is ok I guess I just have to stop being so worried about how I approach the talk and just say what's on my mind.

With the phone situation I wouldn't normally ask who is calling or texting but he does leave his phone laying around so if he does get a text or phone call I could see it. Obviously the fact that I've looked in his phone is an issue and I can see that, I think I just need to address the whole situation because the snooping coincides with questions about his separation/divorce.

Obviously when we got together I was aware of the situation and his legal obligations but he is just ignoring it now and it is a tough topic to approach.

Thanks again

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A female reader, Shmonkey Australia +, writes (28 April 2015):

Shmonkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Honeypie,

Thanks for your answer. Yes there are a lot of things that I have to address. I guess you could say at times I am blinded by the fact that we are totally in love then every now and then I am reminded by the reality of the situation, which is ok I guess I just have to stop being so worried about how I approach the talk and just say what's on my mind.

With the phone situation I wouldn't normally ask who is calling or texting but he does leave his phone laying around so if he does get a text or phone call I could see it. Obviously the fact that I've looked in his phone is an issue and I can see that, I think I just need to address the whole situation because the snooping coincides with questions about his separation/divorce.

Obviously when we got together I was aware of the situation and his legal obligations but he is just ignoring it now and it is a tough topic to approach.

Thanks again

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntAs for the separation, I would actually bring it up and tell him you FEEL like YOU and YOUR relationship is in a limbo. Because it IS.

HE IS STILL MARRIED (in the eyes of the law).

Separated does NOT mean single.

Maybe he isn't rocking the boat for SEVERAL reasons, one being that the ex will create drama, the OTHER that he for OBVIOUS reason can't marry you or give you move commitment than he is giving as a STILL MARRIED MAN.

I would bring up that he NEEDS to get a LAWYER and SETTLE this once and for all. OR I can EASILY see this being dragged out for YEARS (or at least until the WIFE decides SHE wants to re-marry, but who knows MAYBE she is QUITE happy with status quo too.)

As for hiding the wife and female co-worker under a dude's name.. THAT is just SHADY. Unless it's her nickname, like Paul for Paulina, Danny for Danielle... which I highly doubt.

And I would be honest about the snooping. There is NO other way to bring it up.

Do you OFTEN comment on who is calling him and why? I mean I have ONLY asked my husband who is on the phone if he hands it to me. Other then that, none of my beeswax, I'll hear about it later if it was of importance or interesting.

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