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Unhappy newly wed, unemployed and losing my mind, help!

Tagged as: Family, Health, Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 June 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 June 2017)
A female India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This is a bit long so bear with me.

I am 30 years old, newly married to my bf of 2 years and unemployed. Yes, this information is necessary.

When i'd met him in 2015 i'd quit my hectic job in consulting to something with less travel...but it was still very hectic. When we started dating - he was wonderful. I was really falling hard for him.

Then two months down the line i came across some e-mails which he had written to an ex,found out that he wanted to get back with her.

I confronted him and he confessed. After this incident, something in me snapped when it came to him. Permanently. We didn't talk for a few weeks. He begged me every single day to come back but I was very hurt. In the middle of these two weeks, I was vulnerable and quite angry. My so called best friend took advantage of the situation. One night after a lot of drinking we hooked up. I was quite disgusted with myself but I came clean to my boyfriend. He forgave me...given what he had also done.

The next one year was tough. We stuck it out, maybe cos we were co - dependent but I lost all respect for him and for our relationship...but somehow we managed to make it last. Finally in 2016, I fell very sick. I had palpitations and had to be rushed to the ICU. The doc said it was stress. Cos of my work. Imagine at 29.

I don't know what happened to me but I was in pieces. I was all alone in the ICU. My brother who was in the same city didn't come to see me for more than an hour...none of my so called friends showed up...my boyfriend was over seas.

Finally my mom flew down after a day, I was discharged in a couple of days. The doc said it was a panic attack and congestion in my chest which caused the accelerated heart rate.

I faced severe shortness of breath for many days. So I quit my job. I was literally in pieces...I don't know what it was but something went off in me. I was crying all the time. A week or so later, things improved...my mom went home and my breathing also improved.

I realised I was probably burnt out cos of work so I quit and went home. In the middle of this...for once my BF came through. Once he was back, he went out of his way to take care of me and helped me pack, came to visit me when I was with my parents who live in a city very far from him...I guess I mellowed down and grew to realise perhaps he really does regret so when he proposed to me I said yes. He agreed to have the wedding in my city as well which was sweet since all of his family had to fly down for it.

Next was the wedding planning which was a nightmare because his parents wanted things to be done exactly the way they thought was right...we got through all the drama and I shifted back to his city post the wedding.

We have been Married since early March and it has been very tough. His parents and three sisters live in the city and they constantly want to meet every single weekend. Even when we were looking for a house and setting it up, we were inundated with requests. I met them a couple of times, but it got a bit exhausting after a while so I stopped. Now, every other weekend we have a fight because he only wants to meet his family and all they do when I meet them is ask me about my job.

I have been trying my level best to find something, I've gone for interviews and sent my resume to every place possible, but I get very tired with the constant questions and feel a bit ashamed of the fact that I am not working. He doesn't understand this and keeps on forcing me to meet all of them all the time. It doesn't help that I was a rising star in my previous company and that I was earning a lot more than him, so the lack of money pinches me a lot.

He's also become fat, doesn't take care of him self and we've not had sex for over a month. Oh and yes, he has pre mature ejaculation to top it all.

I resent him because he doesn't seem to understand my situation. I don't feel good about my self given my current state of mind, we constantly fight where I end up going into a rage and he tells me stuff like my anger has no bounds and I don't know what to do. I feel I will go into depression.

I find it very difficult to write all of this down but I want to know how I can cope with my unemployment without losing my self esteem and also...how on earth can I make him understand me. Should I leave my house for a couple of weeks? If things continue like this I may leave for good.

View related questions: best friend, discharge, ejaculation, money, self esteem, wedding

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhen you had your panic attack, did you tell the doctor EVERYTHING? Are you sure it was just down to work? After all, look at what you were dealing with in your relationship. Surely that must have been a factor? Even possibly the MAIN factor?

I do find it bizarre that you married this man after what you wrote happened while you were courting. I would have walked away at the point where you lost your love and respect for him, "permanently" as you say.

Are you sure you are not exaggerating his family's interest in your job? I am sure asking about your job is not ALL they do when you meet up (as you state). Are you being over-sensitive about the job situation because you feel bad about it? How would you feel if the didn't bother asking? Would you be thinking "they don't even care enough to ask about such a major factor in my life"?

Why do you feel ashamed that you are currently out of work but seeking to get employment? There is no shame in trying to get back into work. I do hope that, when you get a new job, your in-laws will show the same interest in your job as they have shown in your lack of one. And do you know what? I think they will. I think they will be delighted for you.

I suspect your husband wants to meet up with his family so regularly not only because they ARE his family but because, as you say, he does not understand your situation. He is looking for support from them. Perhaps you need to look at this from his side as well and understand it cannot be easy for him, living with YOUR situation, especially if you are flying into rages.

Is this perhaps a good time to evaluate your career plan? You have had two consecutive jobs which you have left because they have been too stressful. It is all fine and dandy being a high flyer but, as you have already learned, it comes with a very high price tag. The financial rewards may be good but your work/life balance usually suffers. For some, this is not a price worth paying. They are far happier in a less pressurized job, earning less money but with far less stress and more time to enjoy their life. Would this not suit you better rather than stumbling from one high flying job to another and suffering due to the stress and pressure? You need to be realistic in what you can cope with and put your health and well-being at the top of your needs.

Have you spoken with your doctor about your rages? This is not a normal reaction to arguments. Perhaps he could suggest some help for you. Have you thought about taking up something like meditation or yoga?

While you are out of work, give yourself a better chance of landing a job by researching interview techniques and questions and rehearsing your answers. Get someone you trust to look over your resume and make suggestions on how you can improve it or make it stand out more. After all, if an employer is getting a stack of applications for a job, they do not always have time to sift through them in fine detail and, sometimes, something which stands out will catch their eye and that person will get an interview over another person who could be just as suitable but whose application did not have the same impact. Learn to write good covering letters/emails when applying for jobs so the employer thinks "here is a person who truly wants this job" rather than just someone who is applying for anything that comes along. You never know what little detail will catch someone's eye and make them invite you for interview. (I say all this from experience as I have been on the other side of this a few times and know what a tedious job it is, sifting through stacks of applications. After you have weeded out the ones which have absolutely no relevant experience, the ones who can't even put together a reasonably presented resume, the ones who sound like they are just applying for anything, then you are left with a pile of "possibles". From that pile you usually need to pull a certain number to invite for interview. How do you choose? Often it is nothing more than a small detail which catches your eye and makes you think "I would like to meet this person".) Also what reasons are you giving for leaving your previous jobs? I am sure I don't need to point out that you should NEVER criticize a former employer to a possible future one. It is bad form and makes the new employer think you may do the same to them.

Hold tight but do not be afraid/embarrassed to ask for help (from doctor, your family, friends).

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

Writing and venting is good therapy. You release a lot of pent-up tension and anger. You express what's on your mind.

It's very difficult to get people to be empathetic and understanding until they go through what you're going through. So stop sending out invitations to your pity-party.

I think your husband is purposely subjecting you to bullying from his family. Perhaps out of retaliation, or he simply has a vengeful spirit. Since your own family doesn't support you or come to your rescue; he can always count on his!

Now is the best time to call your parents. He needs a dose of his in-laws. Invite them for a stay! Beat him to the punch. Then his family can't dominate your weekends. It's your fault you let things get one-sided. They have no pity for your situation and enjoy rubbing your nose in it. You need to counter their weight with your own family-support.

Are your family totally estranged; or is it that they don't approve of him or his family?

You didn't use your common-sense. You married someone you constantly fought with. Where's the logic in that?

He may have lead them all to believe your unemployment is due to laziness or lack of ambition. He had his own pity-party. I'm sorry to say, but it is also therapeutic to be prodded; because they're not giving you time to collapse and drown in your self-pity. They're keeping you on your toes!

They're also nudging you out of your state of gloom. Everyone around you can see you may be settling into depression. What they don't understand is your bout with anxiety and stress. Most people think that it's fake, just being high-strung, or grouchy. Sometimes it is, but it is also a legitimate mental-health or health-issue.

The unfortunate side of human-nature is rushing to judgement and assuming/presuming the worse about each other. They know your past potential and figure the nagging will snap you out of it. Who wants to sit them down and give them a presentation on anxiety and panic attacks? Giving them the details of your most personal business. That's pretty much what it would take to get them off your back. Maybe, maybe not. They may not like you. They figure you can't fight back.

Then there's a problem with your husband who is basically throwing you under the bus. Feeding you to his sisters like shark-bait. He can't empathize with your feelings (or doesn't want to); because he still harbors a grudge and still has some suppressed resentment towards you. Some people never get the last fight out of their system.

What you say to people in anger isn't easily forgotten. Rest assured, he has discussed your arguments and behavior with his meddling-family. Part of their picking on you is their subtle way of standing-up for him, and kicking you while you're down. He has no-doubt told them his one-sided story.

Good jobs are not easy to come-by. Sometimes you have to take temporary-assignments or contract-employment to get through the famine. You can't always just pickup where you left-off. The job-market is flooded, and many foreign-jobs that were once imported into your country or contracted from overseas, are now going back to where they came from. The world-economy and financial-markets are fluctuating. So you may have to settle for something less flashy to tide you over. I don't mean totally menial, but not as prestigious as before. You may not have a choice. Necessity dictates!

If you can't get your new husband's support, and he's basically shrugged you off; you may have no choice but to return home to your own family. I rarely suggest marital counseling. It's useless unless it's a combined-effort.

Don't leave in defeat. Don't allow your frustration with unemployment force you to retreat into lethargy. Once you allow yourself to emotionally hit rock-bottom; the depression comes, and it's hard to climb out. Fight on!

Frustrated unemployed-people become discouraged and complacent; because they just throw-up their hands. You've hit a snag that everyone is bound to come to sooner or later. I know I have.

I know the wind got knocked out of you, and your marriage isn't the best; but you have to hold it together as best you can. If it takes going home, then do it. That can work two ways. You can be consumed by self-pity, or you can re-energize. That all depends a lot on you, and your determination to get through all this.

Going from a highly-ambitious and productive person to unemployed is a very extreme change. Your pride is hurt. Perhaps over-achievement got the better of you, and you didn't take time-off for rest and relaxation. You probably forwent your vacations, never took a sick-day, toiled long-hours, and over-exerted your brain. Not good for anyone. You need rest. Time-off! You have to play and enjoy the fruits of your labor. So circumstances have forced you to rest. That doesn't mean become complacent!

Life often humbles us. Your karma comes around, and you owe others a little payback; or you got inflated with pride. You get just enough to get you on the right track and on the road to your redemption. Be a little kinder to others. Just a side-note.

You're also sexually-frustrated; and the hostility your husband has towards you is also due to his own inner-conflicts and embarrassment about his sexual-performance. If you've used that as a weapon, or criticized his weight; it will be a long-time before his ego will let go of that. Thus he lets his sisters and family harp and nag at you. They all gang-up on you.

If your own brother and family-members aren't close or supportive; sometimes it's not just them, it is because of you and your ways. If your husband says your anger has no boundaries, there may be something to that. I know stress can bring out the worst in us; but it has to be there in the first-place.

Yoga and meditation does wonders. I think you might need to make that a part of your life-style. Obtain poise and balance. Consciously make an effort to remove that venomous-stinger from your tongue. I suspect you've said some awful things, and your hard-driven ambition may have made you a little difficult to be around. You have to own it. You can't just pass blame on to everyone else, or make excuses. Don't play victim. Yes, they kicked you when you were down, or maybe they are too inquisitive; but you know how to say "mind your own business" in at least two languages!!!

I think yoga would be a great thing for you. Also a little spiritual-enlightenment to bring you peace and tranquility.

Inner-peace comes from reaching inward for strength, turning to your faith or worship; and realizing that life can be stormy. Calm always returns after a storm.

Remember, even the worst storms come to a peaceful ending. You'll grow stronger, you'll snap out of your slump, and you'll get back to work. You can't do that unless you hold on to hope. Hopelessness is defeat. You'll have no energy for the struggle; and you'll go down in flames. I don't think that's how you're made!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

I think deep down u know the answer to all of this - it's him that caused some of this world wind stress and caused u to go through this- do u want another 40 years like this? Do u? It's never to late to stop and just breathe and get healthy and be free - ur co- dependant and that is the worst thing u can ever do- ur both also in a marriage that doesn't seem to be working- look this is not a good mix I'm sorry to be so up front about it - ur so young - come on don't stick this out- as an outsider reading ur true emotions here - it doesn't seem like ur happy- You've got a lot of emotions going down - see a third party and figure out what got u to all of this

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