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'Truth or Dare' game leads to an awful revelation by my wife! Am I over-reacting?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2008) 24 Answers - (Newest, 19 November 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been cruising this site on and off for a while. I like to read the questions and have even given my own advice a few times. Now it is my turn to ask for advice.

My wife and I had a party last weekend. After the group dwindled down to 12 or so we started playing truth or dare. It wasn't a wild group, but not prudish neither, there were some guys in only underwear, and some boob flashing, but no 'contact' (if you know what I mean). Mostly stupid stuff, like go outside and pull up your shirt and stuff.

Somehow, the group mostly turned toward 'Truth'. I was a little shocked at some of the questions, and even more shocked people actually answered (of course by now, the drinking had been going on for hours). Well, this girl asked my wife how many dicks she's had in her. I was very shocked, but my wife answered truthfully (which is 1, she was a virgin when we met and got engaged @ 18). Then someone else asked her how many dicks she's had in her 'mouth'. I was thinking, just chicken out, but she answered 5. I'm thinking great, now everyone here knows that my wife gave blowjobs to 4 other guys than me. Then one of the guys put a question out there for all the girls to answer. What is the biggest penis you have ever touched or sucked? My wife answered 8", now this isn't me, I'm a little larger than average, but I'm not 8". Then she told them his first name.

I was really upset inside, and we had a huge fight after everyone left. I'm still mad at her for telling 'our business' to everyone. And even more put off that she would tell everyone that she sucked a 'big' dick. It just made me feel exposed or something in front of everyone. Am I over-reacting, or wasn't she wrong to 'air' our private business to everyone there?

Thanks for any advice you can give. It's 6 days later and I'm still pissed off.

View related questions: blow-job, engaged, underwear

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (19 November 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntI'm betting he's over his mad by now.....

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A male reader, treyanista United States +, writes (19 November 2009):

Yea well let me start by saying this So What dude ive been with the same girl for 6 yrs we got together when she was 16 i was 18 and now 24 were happier then ever i went through a brief period well i say brief period but it was actually 5 yrs most of are relationship i got jealous when i would hear about someone she dated or madeout with etc but i cam to realize what does that matter i wasted so much time being jealous that now i regret it because all the nights spent arguing all the all the dinners gone cold it was all just a big waste of time and now i wish to spend my life happy enjoying the present not dwelling on the past if i can say anything about it today its that i wish i could go back at thoes exact hours we were fighting and replace a scowl with a smile a scream with a kiss but i cant and it really eats away at me so now i suggest to you the same thing i suggest to myself enjoy life and make sure you have more great memories then terrible ones. Travis Hudson-out!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

Well I don't think I could ever kiss her on the mouth again after something like that. BTW if you feel that you can't forgive her and feel akward and angry toward her, u might want to end it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

Well, I'm just a little confused, but I gather that this information was not a new revelation to you. I get the impression that you knew all of this information before she blurted it out at the party and that your problem is just that everyone knows it now. Assuming that, my wife and I are of the opinion that information like that becomes the property of both partners once they are married. In other words, one partner does not have the right to divulge their own history to everyone without their partners consent. That is why I review any answers of mine on this or any forum with my wife before I post it if it contains information about either one of our sexual histories. I would never post info like that without her approval.

However, the game that you were playing, combined with the large amount of alcohol that was being consumed, should have given you a clue that things were getting out of hand and should be reeled back before it went too far. I am assuming that you enjoyed looking at other women’s boobs if one of them flashed on a dare. Did your wife flash her boobs? If so, did it bother you that everyone saw them? Is she angry because you might have seen another woman’s boobs? Wouldn’t she have a right to be angry about that if you have the right to be angry about what she revealed?

Did she make a mistake by revealing this information to all your friends? Yeah, I think so. Should you hold it against her for doing so? Absolutely NOT, in my opinion. You were a willing player in all of this drinking and fun. She was having a good time and, combined with the lowered inhibitions of alcohol, didn’t see anything wrong with what she did at the time. Does she think that she made a mistake? Perhaps she does, but is on the defensive because of your anger. I have gone through that situation before. My wife didn’t like some things that she had done, but discussion came to an end because of my criticism making her defensive about it.

So what to do now. Apologize to her for being angry at her for so many days. After both of you calm down, discuss the situation. Tell her that you realize that all of you were drunk, but that you believe that information like that is information for just the both of you to know and that you would be much happier if neither one of you would ever talk about your personal information again to others without the other approving. I don’t believe that you have told us what her thoughts are on this, but I know that my wife shares my opinion about this after we both read this question last night.

Considering the circumstances of the party, I don’t believe that you have any reason to hold anything against your wife for what she did. I can imagine that you might be embarrassed to know that everyone knows her history now. I think that I would be too. However, I think that you both have to share some of the fault for a game and drinking that got a bit out of hand at a party. After all, she didn’t give anyone a blowjob or screw someone in the bedroom on a dare. So now everyone knows that she is not as pure as you wish they thought. Well, nobody is. My wife isn’t as pure as both of us wish and neither am I. We all have done things that we may or may not be happy with. They should be our secret if that is what we want, but sometimes mistakes are made. When that happens, we need to try to discuss our feelings in a civil way and try to make sure that we don’t make the same mistake again.

Good luck. Talk to her and do the “kiss and make up” routine. That’s where the fun is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

Am i missing something, but ain't this a small childs game?

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A male reader, JTalbott United States +, writes (31 May 2008):

JTalbott agony auntOf course she enjoyed life before you met. Her willingness to fully embrace life is what attracted you to her.

Nobody else at the party thought any less of you.

As with most events in life, we're usually the only person in the room worrying about how people perceive us. Everyone else is worrying about how they are being perceived.

The sooner you let go of your insecurities and reaffirm you love and commitment for her, the happier you both will be.

Do it for your relationship, do it for the woman you love and do it for yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

If it offends you maybe you're a bigger prude than you thought ;) Just kidding, but yeah, some things you just shouldn't blurt out. She made a mistake, forgive her. Besides, she's with you now; you still loved her before you knew she took a 8" cock in her mouth, just be glad she saved her virginity for you, what more could you ask for, seriously.

Besides, I've got a feeling you'd be cool if she said the biggest cock she ever had was yours, haha. Don't sweat it, it's small beans man, don't get mad over it. Best of luck!

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (31 May 2008):

Country Woman agony auntI think there is one last comment I would like to make on this subject before this turns into War and Peace on this site.

At the end of the day it was a drunken conversation and the act that your wife did was BEFORE you were even together and it was not graphic information about intercourse just a generalisation about a bj and the size of this guy's penis which she was answering during a conversation.

You say that this type of thing is PERSONAL information for only the two of you to share, actually technically this was information before you were even together and I think the jealousy factor that she shared this information with a group of friends is the fact that you are embarrassed about.

Talk to your wife by all means and say in future even if you have both had something to drink conversations of this nature do not sit well with you. On the other hand when the conversation started to divert to sexual acts you could have stopped it as the party at the end of the day was in YOUR house and so if you want to avoid this situation in the future don't stick around to hear what is being said or ask your friends to discuss something else as you feel these conversations are private and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I think you have dwelled on this for far too long and it is time to move on and talk about it openly with your wife but then literally put it to bed and stop it there, don't continually bring it up in conversation and if your friends mention it then tell them you don't want to discuss it any further, result - they will realise you didn't like it.

Wish you well.

BFN

Country Woman

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

uhhh...guys hate truth or dare, how the hell did you get caught up in that? you shoudla gottent he hell outta there.

be glad the answer to the first question was "1", friend. that should be good enough. let the blow job history pass....let it go.

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A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2008):

lexilou agony auntI remember asking my female cousin how many blokes she had been with - she was around 19 and I was 30 at the time.

She replied do you want me to include blow jobs??

I was astounded as when I was her age I had been with two blokes and only gave them blow jobs after at least 6 months together. Im nearly 40 now and have worked out thats its a generational thing and it seems to be quite normal amongst my younger 20-30 year old friends that they gave blow jobs long before they had sex. I found out recently whilst we were both drunk that my closest friend who is 22 gave a bj to my other friends boyfriend in school (long before he met my other friend) but she has never told her hubbie to be and in fact she has halved the number of blokes she slept with to him and never ever mentioned the bj guys. What Im trying to say is that girls really dont think this is important and dont always mention it. Its not a nice way to find out but drink does that to people but I really think you should just move on from this. People wont judge they probably have their own skeletons in the closest, just laugh it off and say you'd better keep her off the booze for a while. It happened before she met you so dont give her too hard a time about this x

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 May 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntWow, Danielepew hit the real questions dead on. I don't have anything to ask beyond that.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (30 May 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI can understand that you don't want your private life to be in the public domain. I also understand that you sort of expected her not to reveal anything just too sensitive. But, the fact remains that you two played the game, and that was because you all wanted to. You sort of gave up your right to privacy.

I have discussed very intimate things with female friends, but we have never done while in underwear and panties-only, and my female friends wouldn't let me see their breasts. That would be off-limits for the friendship. We have discussed those matters fully dressed, because these friends wanted an opinion, or just to let some steam go out. The women who have seen me in underwear are a) my mother and my sisters, when I was a kid, and b) women I slept with. I would add C), a nurse who "mistakenly" got into the room when I was being checked for some pain in my FRONT groin area.

Your group of twelve consisted of the people you all feel confident to be seen half naked with. It is well known that alcohol affects your inhibitions. You started talking about sex. I assume your pals also saw your wife's breasts, and panties leave little for imagination. So, where's the problem?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

I be annoyed too if my b/f did that but I would tell him how I felt about it and not do it again, I wouldn't dwell on it and hold it against him.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 May 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntOne more thought, you said there was booby flashing. Was she by any chance getting 'even' with you for being overly obvious about lusting after another woman?

What has she said about this in her defense? Can you tell us?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 May 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo exactly how drunk was she? And you?

You seem to be holding on to your hurt feelings in a major way here. What has she said to you about what happened? What would a question from her look like on Dear Cupid?

"Dear Cupid, I'm writing because my husband is furious with me for revealing private sexual details about my past. I feel_______."

What's going on in her head here? Is she being deliberately mean and nasty to you?

I'm sorry for asking all these questions but I want you to stop being so angry for just one minute and THINK about what she might be feeling.

I totally understand that you're upset, I would be too if this ever came up, but it was in your house and at your party, and as Danielepew said, you could have stopped it. So why didn't you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

Hi, poster here. I don't have a problem with her past, it's not like it was that many guys. I also don't have a problem with some guy having a bigger dick than me. I'm above average myself, and in a room of 100 guys, I would be in the top 5 in size, just not the 'winner'.

My problem is that my wife told stuff that is personal and belongs ONLY to her and myself, no one else needs to hear this. And as for the 1st answerer, NO, it is not her right to blab about her personal business before me, that is information only for us to know. That's why I'm upset, not because of her past (or I wouldn't have married her), I'm upset that she so freely just blurted it out there for others to hear. I have visions of those other people talking about my wife and what she did before me. Maybe I'm worrying too much, everyone else there had more experience than my wife, but I still don't like our private stuff aired out like that.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (30 May 2008):

Danielepew agony auntMy opinion is that you should have never agreed to such a game. You should have thought in advance what that might lead to. Since you played the game, face the consequences. I think this game was played exactly because everyone was a little drunk and everybody wanted to know everybody else's secrets.

I wonder what the problem is. Is it that she gave oral, period, or that she gave it to four other guys, or that she gave it to one guy who happens to have a larger penis than yours, or that she said it in public, or any combination of this? I don't want to be mean, but I think defining what the problem is could help you solve it.

I suppose that you all you can do is just move on.

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2008):

Country Woman agony auntQuite honestly you were probably having a laugh at the time when the fun conversations were going on and I bet you didn't look away when boobs were flashed.

At the end of the day we are all human and so she gave a few guys some blow jobs before being with you, that is ancient history now and this really isn't about the fact that she did it as she was a virgin when she met you and she has only ever slept with you. This comes down to the male ego that some guy was bigger than you in the penis department and you personally feel threatened, this I just don't understand.

At the end of the day if you love your wife then tell her and say to her that you overreacted about the way the conversation went but I have had conversations with some close friends when I was with my ex and we were all pretty sane when we were sober but prior to having children we used to love about how times when sex was involved used to crack us up. I think it is something we all tend to do when we have had more than the norm to drink and yes we don't feel quite so restrained.

At any point did they ask you have many women you had been with or did she have bigger tits than your wives? Would you have said oh no, the other women were much smaller?

This has all to do with your male ego and the fact that your wife once touched some other guy who was bigger than you.

I have to agree though with one of the other comments about size doesn't matter but how you use it.

If you let it this whole situation could well get out of hand and it was just a laugh at a party and that is all it was. Stop overreacting and just enjoy being together eh! Life is far too short to bother about the past, think about the future and how your love making can be more fun or something and just enjoying what you already have, if you push too hard you could push your wife away over a silly daft drunken conversation and is it really worth it eh!

BFN

Country Woman

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

Don't let it bother you, she's married to you, she loves you.

It probably meant more to you than it ever did to her, she saved her virginity for you.

So what if it was a bigger / smaller / fatter / thinner dick than yours? It wasn't yours, which is why she remained a virgin, isn't it? Obviously she didn't love him or his dick.

Women don't think the same as men do. Most women have to be in love to have sex, and incredibly in love to marry a man.

Don't rip yourself apart over it.

Is it possible to talk through your fears and worries with your wife?

Don't be angry over it, it's not like she can take back what she did now, and it wasn't within your marriage, so it's not like she cheated.

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A male reader, StudentOfLife Canada +, writes (30 May 2008):

StudentOfLife agony auntI heard this once "size doesn't matter, it's how you use it that matters."

I feel as if you are overreacting. She saw a bigger penis than yours, so what? He's not the one making love to her, he's not the one married to her, he's not the one who took her virginity away.

Your are her man, it's your woman. She sucked dick before meeting you, everyone has a pass. You can't stop loving somebody because of her pass, love is about dreaming together, making a future together.

Laugh about it, about yourself. Getting angry about it won't make your dick bigger! And being a "dick" to your wife because she said something like that won't make things better.

I don't think I need to remind you that you're a great guy and that you love your wife and that she loves you, why would you make a fuzz over something so not worth fighting for.

Go say that you're sorry right now buddy, tell her this too "Sorry honey, I realize that's not my dick who needs to "grow up" ... it's me." (Sorry if I'm being harsh, but to me, this situation wouldn't have bothered me in the least)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

Don't take it so personally..Everyone has a past and it is that the past. You should be flattered she may have given a blow job to a guy with 8" but evidentally you were the only one she slept with. Your wife may have been comfortable in her relationship with you to share this information now you have put her on guard and you can be sure she will watch what she says around you as not to cause a problem when she really didn't see what she was saying this time as a problem but now you hold it against her.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 May 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntHow has she been in the past 6 days? Stubborn? Contrite? Apologetic?

Well, it sounds like quite a party, and I expect everyone was way over the limit, including your wife. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, as you may know, and the usual mental filters we have in place just stop working.

I don't blame you for being upset with her, that is a lot of personal detail to share with people, especially on such a touchy subject as sex and previous sex partners. I honestly don't know what she was thinking when she answered the questions, but if a lot of alcohol was involved, I think it might be a good idea to cut her some slack. I'm sure she wasn't saying it to intentionally hurt you. I guess that's what I would have to think about, what was the intention of answering the questions?

She may still be so embarassed and upset with herself that she needs to stand her ground.

I'd approach the discussion about it from a different stance, one of loving and caring concern. And a calm explanation of the way the revelation made you feel too.

Good luck, and don't let your friends drive home with too much booze in them!

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A female reader, Minelisse Puerto Rico +, writes (30 May 2008):

Minelisse agony auntHi there...

It is very interesting that your post just revolves around the fact that she told rather than she did. I mean, if you are not concerned with her sexual behavior then what is the problem? These are sexual experiences she had and she is free of saying them to whomever she feels like to. Furthermore, you said you all had a few too many drinks and sincerity usually runs high in those situations!

I think no harm was done, I am sure other women also came out clean. If you don't like her discussing her sexual experiences, let her know, but that is ultimately her decision to make!

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

Yea you're right to be pissed off. What guy wouldn't be?

Good thing is, I would imagine other guests may have been too inebriated to remember much and anyway, what seems like a really big deal to us seems like nothing at all to others. This has certainly been my experience.

You're not over-reacting, explain again gently but very firmly to your wife how you feel, to keep her big mouth shut in future and try to forget it and put it behind you.

If any guests subsequently mention anything, just laugh it of and say it was the booze talking: don't show that it matters.

Good luck.

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