A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,This is a family orientated relationship problem. I am a 30 year old female. I am in contact with my grandmother and siblings. My father and I have been estranged for 10 years with very little communication in that time.Over the past 2 years I moved away from my home town mainly to get away from my family and had a good look at my life and have realised that I have been manipulaited by my mother and grandmother (particularly my grandmother) for my whole life. Whenever something good happens in my life and I tell them about it they pretend to be happy for me and not very convincingly! However, if something bad happens they act as though they are sad for me but I can tell that they are happy in a way. It is as though they feel closer to me because I am sad and they can relate to that. They both have quite narrow viewpoints and have not really lived well. They are both divorced. They are uneducated, haven't travelled,have struggled financially and had children at a very young age.The choices that I have made in my adult life are very different to the choices that they have made and I feel as though I am constantly being judged and that I am a dissapointment because I am not married or with children and am not planning on it. I am currently studying at university and run an online business as well. I am not extremely well off but I have some savings and am comfortable. I have very different ideas about what I want out of life and they are career, travel and being able to support myself financially. I am not nor have I ever been big on the marriage and kids thing and this to them seems absolutely wrong and dissapointing. They think that I am going through a "phase" that I will eventually snap out of, even though I am 30 years old with life experience and resilience way beyond my years. Perhaps they want me to have children so we will finally have something in common?There are so many amazing things that I plan to do in the near future but I am afraid to tell my family because they get annoyed that I can, they don't support me and make me feel guilty about enjoying my life . I'm not sure if it is jealousy but it feels as though because they have not really enjoyed their life very much that I shouldn't be able to either or if I do that I should feel guilty about it because of them.Another reason I don't like giving them information about my life is because in the past I have over heard them gossiping about me when they didn't know I was listening. This was very upsetting and to be honest....embarrassing and shameful. They use any information that I give them as ammunition and nit pick over the most ridiculous things including me spending money on a nice camera for example or taking a holiday without telling them.My Nan is a religious fanatic (Anglican) and we don't see eye to eye on many things. I never discuss religion with her as I know that it will only cause heated arguments. She has an idea in her head about what I "should" be and I am just simply not that. There have been many relationship dramas in this family (including my aunties and uncles) over the past because nobody can communicate properly. So recently, I have confronted my grandmother about a few things and she either ignores what I say and behaves as though nothing was ever said or doesn't reply at all. What to do??A large part of me feeling this way is that my mother kicked me out of home ten years ago for absolutely no reason and has never given me an explanation for it. I had no money or home and she didn't know where I was for 6 months. Meanwhile, she was holidaying in Bali and never called to check on me. My grandmother never said anything to her in my defense and never questioned her about it. I ended up turning up to my mother's place one day because my brother and sister (who are much younger than me and were children at the time) live with her and I missed them. She never apologised to me and this has had extreme consequences on my adult relationships.Sometimes I wish that I had never returned because I have not recieved anything from my mother or nan since. No money, no support or good advice. They are unable to help me most of the time because they have lived in bubbles and don't have much experience away from child rearing and "getting by". My mother is 50 and is obsessed with celebrities and appearances and is sure to make a comment on the way I look every time I see her. Even if it is a compliment it feels like another judgement. I have definately been given a lot of guilt trips and judging. Sometimes, I wonder if I hadn't returned what I would be doing now. I think I would be better off.I feel as though I am not allowed to do or have certain things just because I am part of this family. I also feel that because I am in contact with them that they "own" me and govern what I do and don't do and if I wander out of that square of rules etc. then I am made to feel like an idiot or "naughty". They want to know how I can afford things and tell me not to take risks but they are never there to help if things do go wrong! So, I don't see how it is any of their business and at the end of it all I am not getting anything!This situation is on my mind a lot of the time as I feel that as a thirty year old woman I need some peace and need to sort this out so I can live my life on my terms without feeling guilty about it! People often tell me that I am talented and beautiful but I rarely if ever hear these things from my family. They don't want me to be more than them.I often dream about leaving them behind and forgetting the past 10 years. I am aware that these people are unable to change and that they feed off the misfortune of others including me. They cannot communicate (which is why their lives are a mess) and even if confronted in a matter of fact and calm manner will try to turn it into a childish argument with snide comments and yelling. So what should I do? Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Sadly I think you'll have to be guarded about what you tell anyone in her son's family. They seem to be tolerating her continuing reign of harassment.
That they tolerate it, does NOT mean that you have to put up with her continuing harassment.
What she does is distressing.
What she thinks she is entitled to do is unreasonable.
A business phone you will not be able to keep private - but you can put your calls on to a recorder
Do keep some of the recordings as proof of her harassment just in case you ever do go to court.
Your personal phone can remain private - keep it that way. Limit it to conpletely trustworthy colleagues who understand the need to protect your privacy.
Everyone else can use your business number.
If you would not put up with all her rubbish behaviour from a jealous acquaintance or a business rival then why should you excuse her actions?
Good luck with all this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has definitely been getting away with making life hell for everyone. People feel sorry for her because she is alone and sad. She also has a personality disorder (I forgot to mention that). None of her children or grandchildren speak to her except for her son's family. I haven't sent the letter. I am going to leave it alone. If she continues to call me I will change my number- that's a big hassle for me because I have had the same number for 10 years. I may have to, though.
It amazes me that with so many members of her family not wanting to speak to her that she hasn't done any introspection!!
Thanks so much for looking into the legal side of the situation. My career is my baby so I am willing to protect it at all costs.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 July 2014):
Hi
I used the term Judge. But it seems in your country you have another role which is less than a Judge but where the person has plenty of Power in the Courts at a lower level than a Judge. In your country it is called a Magistrate.
I don't know if the laws in each state in your country is very different but I looked up the internet and found Western Australia had really good information on restraining orders and misconduct orders and I expect the other states have similar remedies.
http://www.legalaid.wa.gov.au/InformationAboutTheLaw/DomesticandOtherViolence/MisconductRestrainingOrders/Pages/Default.aspx
And it seems you have something called Exclusion Orders which might be exactly what you need:
http://www.dss.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/05_2012/domestic_violence_laws_in_australia_-_june_2009.pdf
Here is how it works:
1. You get a lawyer to write a letter with the implied consequence that if she does not desist then you will apply for an Order informing her that she has to desist.
So do NOT write her a personal letter as she could turn that around on you and claim that you are threatening her via the words and what you say. Bullies are notorious for turning it around onto the victim.
Let the Lawyer write the letter.
2. If she refuses to desist then you apply to the Court (you can do that personally but must get the wording right - so get the lawyer to write the wording unless you are familiar with the law. The Court Order says she has to answer the allegations.
You attend and she attends and a Magistrate (that is lower than a Judge) attends to it in a civil court.
If the Magistrate agrees that she has been Over the Top and is harassing you ( see why proof and paper work is important to show that you have sent nothing threatening to her) then the Magistrate spells out the consequences if she ignores the Magistrates Order to stop harassing her.
There are no costs. you meet your costs and she meets her costs. You are seeking no financial redress. You just wants her to desist.
3. If she is silly enough to ignore the Magistrates Order then she will get a visit from the Police and a talking to by the Police.
4. If she continues to ignore the Magistrates Order and still keeps on breaking the Order then she will be brought to court for the Magistrate to spell out the penalties.
Do not think elderly aged people are immune from causing mayhem and distress to their relatives. They can be just as disruptive as a gang leader.
If she lived in England they would probably Section her for her continual harassment and unusually disruptive behaviour. Perhaps she is starting to lose her mind. Or Perhaps she is just a very very nasty old lady who is used to demanding to get her own way and is used to Demeaning people and has been successfully getting away with making life hell for other people all her life. .
Good luck with all this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way Abella, thank you for taking the time to respond to my many follow ups regarding this matter. It's very generous of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think a judge warning her off is a little dramatic. I really think I am going to write a letter that is very clear and if she crosses those boundaries then I can take further action.
She's a stupid old woman who doesn't know any better. I think avoiding is just cruel. I also think that writing a letter will cut the chord. This situation has seriously drained my energy. I need it to end.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 July 2014):
A threat to your business?
That is a serious threat to your livelihood.
Get a lawyer to handle this. She needs to hear a Judge warn her off.
She will not listen to you and you are wasting your time trying to appeal to her.
Her aims towards you are not benign. She is a malicious scheming malcontent.
Treat this as a business problem, and properly protect your business.
She can be legally prevented from contacting you and legally prevented from entering your business.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of the main reasons I wanted to contact her was to tell her to stay away from my business. A while ago in this thread I wrote about how she went to a gallery where my work was exhibited and discussed private family matters with the manager. Makes me furious every time I think about it. I didn't tell her about the exhibition. She found out on her own and went there twice. The manager rang me later and told me about it. This wasy first big exhibition. Livid!!I really want her to stay away from my business. She undermines the work by her infantile behaviour and embarrasses me but also uses it as a way to involve herself where she is not wanted/invited. I want her to known that she is to stay away.Some of the messages she has left on my phone are asking why I wasn't involved in a certain exhibition recently or she talks about how her friend knows an artist blah blah. She is using me and my work to create a social life for herself. Two years ago she never cared about art at all. Never went to a gallery. Now she is putting all of this pressure on me even though I haven't spoken to her since the exhibition. I have not involved her at all. I think it is just so she has something I talk about with her friends and to give her something to obsess over.After she went to the exhibition where my work was held she wrote me a note saying that she had been to the show and that her friend knew one of the other artists in the show. That was it. No congratulations or anything about my work at all. She is using it for herself.I feel as though I can't even have this one thing to enjoy without her looming over. I want her to known that I don't want her involved. Ignoring her does not help. She will keep picking and involving herself where she is not wanted. She has no idea what she is doing. Although, what I do know is that it is for her own gain.Actions mean nothing to this woman. I mean a normal person would stop ringing or having their relative call after not answering the phone for so long but she doesn't get it. Not sure what to do here.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 July 2014):
No I don't think it will help at all. She will no doubt be contemptuous about the letter.
By writing to her you are giving her the attention and drama that she craves. You will be giving her the Power over you that she thinks she is entitled to yield.
Starve her of attention. She seeks to make you do as you are being told (demanded) by her.
Enlisting others to badger you is classic for this type of person.
Stop being her victim.
Take action and take charge to protect yourself. Contacting her to appeal to her ''better'' nature will not work as she will continue to selfishly demand servule OBEDIANCE from you. ''Do as you are told child or else.......''
Only problem is that you are not a child and you are not beholden to her anymore.
She is not your friend, she is your tormentor. Why does she want your attention? Because she wants you available for her to denigrate. That she enlisted another person means that she no doubt concocted a sob-story putting you in a bad light and herself as ''poor little grandma'' to that other person.
You are an adult. Change your phone number - are you able to ask the phone company if you can have a private line that cannot be accessed by others - that only you can give out to others?
If you have an answer machine then make sure that any response (the person you are calling is not available please leave a message) that people get when calling you, is not your voice - preferably use a strong male voice as the answering machine voice.
If you can shift where you live then do so. Please do not give out your address to anyone.
Change your cell phone number.
And if all else fails then get a lawyer to write any letter to her - do not write to her yourself.
Starve her of attention.
She demands that you respond.
It is important that you do not respond as she demands.
When you respond you start the process of being drawn back into her web.
Once you are drawn back into her web she will seek to entangle you more tightly into the web until you are entirely trapped in her web.
Then her abuse can start all over again. Except the next time the abuse will be worse.
Don't fall for her dirty tricks.
Step away and feel no guilt when you do it.
Some ''family'' - just like some abusers = are just toxic proven abusers through and through. Please try to accept this and move on from being her victim.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided to write a letter telling my grandmother to please stop calling me. She has called again this week leaving a message on my phone as though nothing is wrong but has also had an interstate relative that I hardly know calling me as well. I really feel as though a letter explaining succinctly why I need distance is needed for her to understand because this is getting way out of hand. I think she actually doesn't understand what's going on. It's stressing me out to the point where I can't concentrate and I have bitten my nails down. I wish she had a full life so she would just leave me alone!! I have typed it out and will post tomorrow morning. Do you think this is the right thing? Also, thank you for listening. I appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella, I know you're right. I'm hurt not finding it easy!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2014):
hi
you really must get over this guilt, it is unproductive.
Get some counselling if you start to want to go back to being humiliated and abused and manipulated.
Doing the same thing again will get you into an unhealthy situation and you will not be able to move on.
Losing the guilt is the best way to go forwards
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella and thanks for the book recommendation.
So, do you think continuing with no contact is the best way to go? I feel guilty and so irritated that my grandmother leaves "sweet" little messages on my phone as though there is nothing wrong. Hello?? I haven't spoken to her in 2 years and she behaves like everything is fine! Weird.
Anyway, for some reason this has really got to me and I feel like I need to lay down some boundaries because she really isn't getting the hint.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2014):
Well done that you managed for TWO YEARS without them. The world did not stop while you left did it?
They managed without you while you were away?
You have been there and done that in the past and you know how toxic they are towards you.
Contact the authorities and ask for a new phone number and do NOT give it to your brother. Then make it a silent number as well.
Please learn who you can trust.Clearly you cannot trust anyone in your family if your own brother so willingly divulges your phone number.
Guilt trips you do not need.
Anyone who ever tries to land a GUILT TRIP on you does not have your best interests at heart.
Change your phone number, change your email and if you recognize a message (hard copy) put it in the trash.
Some people are Toxic. If I did not mention it before perhaps read "TOXIC parents" it is a good book to remind you that some people, even parents and grand parents can be TOXIC people poisoners.
At 30+ you need to take control of your own life, wherever you are living.
How can you live a happy productive life while you are still trying to appease people who do not give a single care about being supportive?
Your success makes them insecure. They want you to become failure as they think they have more rights than you.
YOU DO have rights.
YOU ARE a success
YOU have achieved good things.
YOU do NOT need their approval to do anything.
YOU are NOT beholden to them.
They would be very happy if you just gave up, became unemployed and unemployable and just became their kicking bag for them to criticize. Is that what you want?
Please do have the courage to do what you should have done 12 years ago.
They will find another person to bully, Let if NOT be you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Abella, this is an old post but in need help regarding my grandmother. I went to the USA for a while without telling my family and have now returned to Sydney for work reasons. None of my family knows exactly where I am living. My grandmother has found out that I am back (from my brother I think) and has been leaving guilt laden messages on my phone to get me to come and see her.
I am at a loss of what to do! Some people think I should just bite the bullet and go see her but I feel like it has been such a long time (2 years) that I have made the distance that I might go back to square one if I do.
I saw my mother when I returned from the states. I was on a high because I had a fantastic time and was feeling good about myself. By the time I walked out of her house I was completely depleted and felt like "what's the point in doing anything?". Whatever you share with these people is contaminated.
I'm really torn about what to do.
Any advice?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 March 2013):
you will need to be more guarded in what you say. While your siblings are still ''under the thumb'' they should be give limited information. When they are mature enough to respect your privacy and you can trust them to keep a confidence then they can be told more.
It's tough, but a ''need to know'' basis is the only way to protect you.
Good luck with your career move.
Don't leave yourself open to harassment or undermining.
Constrict the flow of information to protect yourself.
It's called self preservation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason for me wanting to relocate overseas is not to do with my family. It is for career purposes and obviously for experience.The one other thing is that I am still in contact with my siblings and they tell my parents everything. So, if I told them I was going overseas they would tell my grandmother and mother. They are still very young.... 17 and 19 so still very much under control.Any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 March 2013):
Hi
Yes I think the letter will add fuel to the fire. And I don't think you have to physically move again to get some distance.
They still make you feel hurt even though you distanced yourself from them. Part of the problem being that you still allowed them to know where you were and how to find them. You gave them the means to contact them. You told them where you were going and where.
They know all the right buttons to hurt you. And their way of 'respecting' you is to try to demand (with words) or buy (with presents) your allegience
And you are still in close contact with siblings.
Have you considered that you are still too emotionally craving their love, respect and support. And they are incapable of giving you what you need.
So don't tell them when and where you are going. Don't tell them how to reach you. Don't tell them your intentions.
But DO get some intense counselling to strengthen you to face the next step.
Stop needing their support, respect etc. They are never going to give it anyway in a form that feels genuinely supportive anyway.
Get that inner strength and resolve to go it alone, develop a new life, where you are respected and loved and appreciated for who you are. Counselling will help. And No they don't need to know about the counselling either.
Then officially change your name. Relocate within your country if you wish. DO change your email and your address and your phone number.
Do NOT announce you are doing this.
You will feel reborn. You will have closed the door on them. Get all your contact details changed officially.
Due to privacy rules in your country the government agencies will not be able to tell them about the change, even if they inquire.
You are casting off from your toxic family without all the drama and expense of shifting to a new country, where, under present circumstances, they could still find you.
Go forth confidently with your life in the direction where you wish to be. Live your life as you want to live.
Seek not their acceptance nor their approval.
And don't bother to tell them how much they hurt you. Your thoughts will not register with them. They still feel entitled to 'own' you and tell you who you are and how to live.
Your refusal to be their target by removing yourself physically AND psychologically AND emotionally, and without explanation will demonstrate that you have severed all claims they might think represent Power over you.
Set yourself free. Live your life surrounded by love and acceptance.
Walk away from bitter, acidic controlling bitchy, unkind, troublesome judgemental people. They have the problem. Let them own that problem.
You know you are not the problem.
Best wishes
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is an addition to an old post. If you read my original post and another I made on Nov 16th then this new post will make sense to you.
My last post was about my brother and how I was worried about him. So, my mum ended up kicking him out. She changed the locks and wouldn't let him back in......not even to get his things. He went to live with my grandmother and afteer 3 weeks she kicked him out as well. So, now he is living with my dad in Brisbane and things seem ok.
I have not been in any proper contact with my grandmother for a year now. I asked her to give me space which I think hurt her ego more than anything. She started ssending me presents in the mail and having her brother call me. I asked her again to leave me alone but she simply couldn't help herself. She's used to being the boss. She has demanded respect which I understand but when I look at her life and the way she has wasted it I don't understand why I should respect her. I really simply don't respect her especially since she kicked my brother out. She is a born again virgin and christian (for 40 years now) and throwing out your own family from your house doesn't seem very christian to me! I haven't heard from her since my brother was kicked out from her place.
I have been feeling lately like I really just don't love my family. I love my siblings very much but the others I don't think so. I feel like they don't even really know me. I have been planning on leaving Australia for years and have finally come to the point where it is going to happen.
I need advice from you guys as to how I should say goodbye. If I am in the same room as them they will immediately try to deflate me and convince me that my pland is not a good idea and that it will not succeed and "Oh no why do you want to do that?" etc. etc.
Would a letter be better? I just really don't want to deal with their negativity. I moved away from their city (my hometown) nearly three years ago and now that I have had some time away, I can't believe how long I was in that bizarre bubble of insecurity and negativity that is constantly pushed onto you and I didn't even realise it. Although, I have known since I was tiny that there was something not right with my grandmother and mother.
I feel as though my mother regrets having children altogether and then there is my grandmother who expects everyone to obey her and live up to her purist expectations.
I'm done with it all.
If I were to send a letter do you think that one like the following would be suitable?
Dear Nan,
I am writing to let you know that I am moving overseas indefinately.
The past year or so of having no contact with you has been necessary and if it upset you, I'm sorry. I just really needed to get away from the negativity.
I guess you could say that I am dissapointed with you and mum. I simply don't trust either of you. I feel sorry that you need to judge everyone else life choices and try to control them and shape them into what you want them to be. No one judges your life choices. Who not let them live the life that they want to live? They are not your property!! And what have you acieved that makes your word so important?
I feel completel underappreciated in this family. No one even knows who I really am nor do they take an interest in my goals in life.
People that I meet always tell me how wonderful I am and are so excited by my plans but when I tell you they are instantly contaminated and squashed with your negativity.
Perhaps because you haven't taken any risks and achieved in your life you don't see why others would either. Better to stay "small" or maybe you just don't want other people to be happy.
I just feel like there is no place for me in this family.
Leaving Australia has been coming for a while and the time has finally come.
.............
After writing this I feel as though I may just be adding fuel to the fire. She will get straight on the phone to whoever will listen and play the "poor me" act and talk about it literally for hours. There will be no actual thoughts about me and my feelings about what is actually written in the letter. It will be automatic defense. There is no reasoning.
Maybe I should just quietly slip out the back door.....
Any thoughts?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 January 2013):
Hi,
Good to hear from you again.
Your selfish parents are never going to change, you know that. So don't allow this crisis with your brother to draw you back into the family and then see yourself back into the abusive cycles you suffered when you lived at home.
Your brother does sound defeated and sad, and you don't want to ignore him.
But you can't do all the searching on his behalf for his future
He has to want to improve his life himself.
He has to want to climb out of the abyss he's sinking into.
It's sad to say this but being asked to leave by his unsupportive Mom may be a blessing.
Are you aware of any guys he was especially good friends with at school?
Do you know them well enough to contact them? Maybe invite your brother and a couple of his friends to have something at subway or a pizza with you? (you paying). The aim being to get him talking to his friends. He'll be embarassed at them seeing him heavier, but re-connecting with old friends might be the catalyst he needs to start taking charge of his life.
Text him and let him know you are here to listen to him if he wants to talk.
Let him know he can call you.
But don't molly coddle him either.
Tell him you'll be honest to him and tell it like it is because you care.
Ask him if he's thought about how he'll support himself if his mother does throw him out.
Listen to him and assure him you're ready to listen to him if he wants to tell you how he's REALLY feeling.
Occasionally text him and let him know you'd like to share lunch with him one Saturday afternoon. Meet him at a neutral place (not your mother's home) Maybe by cooking a healthy meal at your place.
I bet he doesn't get parcels or packets addressed to him very often? Good. An indirect approach might help.
By your flag I think you are in Australia. So go online to the BeyondBlue website - just put 'beyondblue' + Depression into Google.
Once on the site go find the part about free materials on teen depression they can post out - choose as many as seem relevant - enter his name and address as where they are to be sent. Text him that a parcel to him from you is on it's way.
There comes a point where he also has to reach out for help. His home environment is probably depressing him, he's sitting down too much, and spending too much time playing games, hence his weight gain.
But he's also got to want to reach out for support. Hopefully he'll find some suppory in the materials posted out to him by Beyondblue.
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
This is an old post but there is something going on with my brother that relates to it, so I thought that I may as well post it here. My brother (he is 12 years younger than me) graduated from high school at the end of 2011.
He still lives at home with my mother and sister (she is 17). Since he has left school he has done NOTHING except sit in his room and play video games. I have been distancing myself from my mother and grandmother (if you re-read my original post you will see why) so have not seen him for a while but my sister told me that he has gained weight. Last time I saw him he didn't look well.
He doesn't answer the phone when I call him. In fact he doesn't answer anyone's calls unless it is my sister calling.
I could see that one year of laying around after school finished was ok but it seems as though he has no intention of making a move...... as in getting a job or going to uni. My mother is threatening to kick him out of home. She is unble to give caring help or advice. The only way that she knows how to deal with the situation is to be extreme......either infantise or abandon. She kicked me out when I was staying at her house many years ago and I was working 2 jobs and saving money. I forget the reason why now. I probably left a wet towel hanging on the dining chair or something criminal like that!
I have moved away from my family because it is depressing. There is no support, only criticism and jealousy if you do achieve....you can't win! Therefore, I keep things to myself, good and bad. It makes life much easier.
I want to help my brother in some way, though. I sent him a text the other day telling him the types of jobs that I thought he would be good at and I sent him some links to university web-sites for courses for those jobs. However, to him this probably came across as pressure. If he does something it has to be his idea. He hates being pressured (which I understand)but I'm worried that he might be depressed. I spoke to my dad about this about one month ago and told him that I think my brother is depressed....he agreed and since then has done nothing. My parents are selfish and quite cold.
My bro and sis have never worked and get everything that they ask for from dad. They are not overly spoiled but have never been forced to work. Whereas I worked all the way through high shool and have worked ever since.
I think my brother is severely disappointed that he isn't going to be spoon fed through life and have his way paid and now he is just confused about what to do. I wish he would go speak to a counsellor to get some advice or get the ball rolling about some ideas of 1. what he would like to study or work as etc and 2. how to change the rut he is in. However, it would be impossible to get him there and he doesn't want to listen to anyone else. On top of that, our "parents" don't hold high hopes for him which is ridiculous because he is very intelligent and sensitive. Come to thin of it they are both too involved in their new lives since seperating (10 years ago) to care about it. I think my dad especially doesn't really care because he is uneducated and to see my brother progress would make him feel insecure? Maybe? Probably.
I don't know how he stands being in the house with my mum all of the time. She would be eating away at his self-esteem bit by bit. She treats him like a little boy so he behaves like one.
What can I do from a distance? Should I continue to send him a text now and then giving him a confidence boost? It would be easier if he wuld pick up the phone! It's a tricky question but any ideas or advice would help.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 November 2012):
First Congratulations with the recognition. Sounds like you deserve such recognition.
Actions: these tell intentions.
IF your grandmother was really proud of you then she would not seek to undermine you. She would make it her mission to find out where you are and attempt to make contact and apologise for all her nastiness over the years. THEN she would also congratulate you.
BUT no she is not feeling those 'proud' feelings above. Instead she is angry that you have received some recognition. So now she wants to do things that will detract from that recognition you received. She is also obsessive.
ONE visit to the Gallery would be enough. She took photos. Her wish to see the picture and have a record was completely. But that was not enough. Since getting pictures was not her mission.
Her mission was to undermine you.
So she targeted the Gallery Manager. Wormed her way into getting him to hear her "story". The Gullible Manager fell for it hook line and sinker. More fool him.
He acted unprofessionally.
Your relationship with your Grandmother is none of his business.
Your Grandmother is playing games. Attempting to character assassinate you in the most manipulative way. She would have to be older than 70?
However I am sure she is not averse to the shy little fluttered eye lash, flattered him and alluded to how deeply hurt she is as she allowed her bottom lip to quiver.
So fight back fire with fire.
Sadly she is not worth your time.
You do need to distance yourself from them.
If the Manager goes on about it ever again mention that your Grandmother "I am so sorry my Grandmother saw fit to misrepresent the situation. It is very sad. And private. And it is not a matter I would discuss outside the family"
Let him wonder. Don't explain. The remarks above can be taken many which ways. It is none of his business and he does not deserve a further explantion.
And there are multiple opportunities to enter competitions and gain commissions all over the world. The Gallery Manager is just a Big Frog in a very small hole. He is not important in the scheme of things. Many creative artists have conflicted lives. No one cares.
Your own work is what makes your repuation.
Go forward confidently in your life. If the Gallery owner is catty and starts rumours about you it will trash his reputation and cause others to see him as bitchy.
Your ^^^ as a cut snake grandmother is already demonstrating her own instability by needing to attempt to undermine you.
She cannot attend every opening all over the country and very often prizes awarded in one state will never be reported in another state. And I doubt that your city is a ONE Gallery town.
Keep on developing your skills at expressing yourself.
Nasty maniuplative people really really hate it when they are ompletely ignored. And that is all your grandmother deserves. Document this episode of undermining. The what, when, how, talked to who, about what, the actions. You may need it in the future if she repeats her behaviour.
Keep your distance from them.
I have no doubt that Grandmother in her complete IGNORANCE is now examining your painting and trying to find flaws. Since she has less understanding of art that you her critique is worthless. Ignore her.
Sadly your mother is aware of all your grandmother did. But what is she doing about it? If nothing then she is part of the problem.
Throw yourself into your work. Get inspired. your own behaviour with your peers will build your reputation.
Many many many people all over the world have fractured relationships with their extended family. It does not present creativity from flourishing. It does not prevent the artist from gaining well deserved recognition.
Do not let the inadequacies within your Grandmother undermine your potential brilliant future as a well recognised artist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there,
it has been quite a while since I wrote this entry but I have a new question regarding my grandmother. As I explained in my original post there is a lot of negativity and jealousy and neediness coming from both my grandmother and mother. It came to the point where 8 months ago I asked my grandmother for some space. In that time I created an artwork that I was very proud of as I am a professional artist.
My painting was made a finalist in a very prestigious art prize. It is the largest achievement for me to date. It is very important to me. I didn't tell my grandmother about it as I haven't spoken to her but she obviously found out about it from my Mum which is fine. That didn't bother me at all.
The painting was exhibited for 3 months.
The other day I had a call from the manager of the gallery who was calling all artists to arrange having their work picked up now that the exhibition was over. He mentioned that my grandmother had been in 2 days in a row. She came back the second day to take photos. I thought that was very nice and said so to him on the phone. He was raving about my grandmother saying how sweet she was and how proud she was of my work. I thought OK that's nice. He sadi that she was in there for a very long time and was talking to him for a long time as well.
This morning I called the gallery to let them know that I have arranged to have my painting picked up and the manager continues to talk about my grandmother and asked me if I have called her yet? He knew that we hadn't been speaking. So, basically my grandmother has gone in there and discussed the fact that we haven't spoken to each other for a while with the manager of the gallery! This gallery is hugely respected and the fact that I was selected from 900 down to 30 finalists was a miracle. I can't believe that she wwould walk in and think that it was OK to hang around talking about the family. I am the kind of person that is quite aware of my reputation especially when it comes to my career but this is even beyond that. It is more that I have worked so damn hard with very little support and achieved something so great and the way that she behaved makes it as though 1) she has turned it into a negative by discussing private issues (so embarrassing!! and totally socially inept!!!) 2) has managed to make this about her 3) It also reinforces the thought that sometimes I wish that they weren't in my life at all. It seems as though they want to screw everything up for me even if it is not intentional.
Do I confront her about this?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 February 2012):
Thank you for your beautiful follow up. Really made me feel extra good. Much appreciated and I wish you well in the future too
Regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMariab, I agree that it needs to be forgiven. However, the hurt is still there and that is something that I am working on now. The main thing is getting what I want from life now and not letting their petty comments, criticism and jealousy get to me.
Thank you for your advice. you have helped me x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. It is very hard to discuss these matters with friends but I know that deep down I want distance from them and really want to get out of their negative thinking bubble!The last time I communicated with my grandmother was about 3 weeks ago and I asked her to stop trying to control me and that I was going to live my life on my terms regardless of what she thinks. I have never had a reply from that message and to me that means that she doesn't really care what I want. Do you think I should contact her again or leave it as it is?As for my Mum, she never calls me so it is easy to have distance from her if I want it. However, she does monitor my online business like a hawk looking at items that have sold out and new stock etc......to the point where I want to change the name of my business so she won't be able to look anymore! It is so nice to hear you say the things that I am feeling and really do want because I felt before that I was a bad person for not wanting to see them anymore or as much. Maybe I need to have more faith in my decisions?I am so excited for my future and you are right that I shouldn't feel guilty about living my life the way that i choose. I have worked damn hard with no support whatsoever and I deserve it.Thanks again for taking the time x
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female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 These women have done alot of hurtful things to you BUT you are an adult now and you have to make decisions for yourself. You cannot let their narrow experiences cloud your judgement of yourself or put doubts in your mind. You are the only thinker in your mind so you are in control of your life and your future. This is the bottom line.
As far as relationships with them go... forgive them. Don't hold any grudges for the past...if you do the only one that will suffer is you! Be thankful that your mom kicked you out 10 yrs ago...because of this you know the world and yourself better! You are stronger, independent and fighting to better your own life! This was clearly a blessing! Don't try to make them see the world through your eyes. The only success they see is having children...if you don't agree...you don't owe anyone an explanation. Accept that their view is limited and continue on your chosen path. In this case... smile and wave and pat them on the back for being wise...you don't have to fight or be angry...but know in your mind what is true for you! Good luck hun xx
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (17 February 2012):
These women have done alot of hurtful things to you BUT you are an adult now and you have to make decisions for yourself. You cannot let their narrow experiences cloud your judgement of yourself or put doubts in your mind. You are the only thinker in your mind so you are in control of your life and your future. This is the bottom line.
As far as relationships with them go... forgive them. Don't hold any grudges for the past...if you do the only one that will suffer is you! Be thankful that your mom kicked you out 10 yrs ago...because of this you know the world and yourself better! You are stronger, independent and fighting to better your own life! This was clearly a blessing! Don't try to make them see the world through your eyes. The only success they see is having children...if you don't agree...you don't owe anyone an explanation. Accept that their view is limited and continue on your chosen path. In this case... smile and wave and pat them on the back for being wise...you don't have to fight or be angry...but know in your mind what is true for you! Good luck hun xx
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 February 2012):
By the way if you were 15 or 20 my advice would be different. Because you would still be learning life lesson.
And there may be more lessons to learn. But you are the one who will decide which lessons you choose to learn from, for a better future.
But you are an adult woman of 30 who has endured years of underminging and negativity. You are of an age where you are entitled to respect. As the decision maker when it comes to your life. No correspondence entered into trying to undermine you.
So I have given advice on the basis that I have full confidence in you as a responsible adult fully in control of your own life (or you should be) and if you are feeling that you are not fully in control, due to others trying to undermine you then it is high time you took back the control and walked away from toxic relationships.
We bring up our children to become independant functioning adults. your grandmother and your mother still want to retain control of your life. They do not have the right to imagine that they have any right to control your life.
My advice is based on the premise that as a responsible adult and at 30 you are the best person to decide what is best for you.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 February 2012):
First off Dump Any guilt about what ever you do decide to do in your life.
You are intelligent and capable and attractive, you do not need their approval nor their advice nor their endorsement about any of your life decisions nor your business decisions. Nor their obvious negativity.
On a business level, the less said the better. You do not have to explain to others why you choose to see little of your family.
Small minded people will make judgements. What such people think of you and your decisions and your outlook is none of your business. Whether they approve or not, whether they disagree or not - that represents THEIR worries. Let them waste their time taking on the worries of the world. All they are doing is marking time, tossing over their thoughts about someone else's life.
That is NOT LIVING.
That is peeking through the window from the outside looking into a life that is not theirs. What an incredible waste of their lives.
I am sure that you do not have time to dissect the lives of others, what they wear, where they go, who they see, how they spend their money, what decisions they make?
Exactly.
You would never think of wasting your time doing that.
If you are not worried and you are comfortable about any of your life, personal or business decisions then that is all that matters.
The next part is up to you. Though I will tell you now, that in your position I would walk away from your toxic negative relatives. You have some dreams and some good ideas and some ambition for the future.
Embrace those dreams
Own those dreams
Initiate those dreams
You do not need the censure, disapproval, cattiness, jealousy (YES, you are correct) and the pedestrian people poisoning that your relatives are trying to impose on you.
You can still keep in occasional touch by phone. Send them birthday and Christmas cards if that is important to you.
You can also invite your siblings to join you for a meal and a talk in the city. Even invite a siblings to stay the night at your home. But leave your grandmother and your callous Mom to themselves. They deserve each other.
Book a Christmas sea cruise now so that you do not even have to suffer Christmas with them this year. Or rent an out of the way beach cottage for a month and do not tell the family where it is. Chill out, go fishing and feel refreshed at the end of the Christmas break.
Do nice things for you on a regular basis and never never ever feel a twinge of guilt. if you earned the money, saved the money and it is yours to spend then how you live your life is entirely up to you. Not to others.
Your thirties are your building (the business) years and in your forties you will start to reap the benefits. By your fifties you will starting to get comfortable. If you change your mind about babies you still have about a seven year opportunity. But perhaps that is not meant to be for you. Some very capable women do have children and some just as very capable women choose to not have children and some people pour their energy into something else because they are unable to have children.
but IT IS YOUR CHOICE. Not your Mom's decision and not yor Grandmother's decision. Ignore them.
And yes travel is a wonderful idea. You can set in place some long term plans to make that happen. You do not need the approval of others to do these things.
Some people will judge you. Let their judgement run off you like water off a duck's back. Leave the problem where it belongs, in their lap. You do not have time to care about their unwanted thoughts about your life.
And practise deflecting unwanted questions about your personal life by anyone rude enough to ask when discouraged from doing so by your disinterest in the topic.
As long as everything you are doing is honest and honorable and above board then it is full steam ahead for you. Work out your own business plan and get an accountant to check if it is viable. Start building cash flow. You sound responsible with money so you don't need tips on living within you means.
But once you do start succeeding DO NOT FEEL GUILTY if you start to live better than your Mom and your Grandmother. Certainly as Grandmother and Mom age keep an interest in how they are going to ensure that they are getting any community and government support they are entitled to to make life pleasant.
But it is time to keep some distance between them and you. Otherwize it is my fear that they will rain on your parade so much that you will see your dreams and plans extinguised in front of your eyes.
You may also benefit from a good life coach to keep you on track. Encourage you with your goals and your dreams.
Most good life coaches are also qualified psychologists or better still are entitled to call themselves Dr due to additional higher level studies in their field.
whatever false messages have been fed to you (about you) for the last three decades, it is time to break that old record and change over to a new positive DVD that can impart the message that you are OK. That you are Capable. That you can succeed. That you are a great person with Great abilities.
From now on YOU make the rules about YOUR life.
You DECIDE what us good for you. No one else.
If it is your aim to be business woman of the year then start your plans now and be proud of the fact that you have goals and hopes and dreams.
And you need a better more professional more supportive network of good people to interact with and for networking as you build your business.
Maybe join Zonta.org and find out if there is a group near you. Find a mixed Rotary group near you - once again to build a net work of people who can give you the support you will need in business.
Start building a stronger network of woman who will be supportive.
Join a Public Speaking group for woman or even a mixed one and get more used to making presentations - you will need that to build your business to higher level.
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