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female
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anonymous
writes:Ok in desperate need of help.Ive been going out with A for about 1 month now. I met him through a friend we both share, B. B used to like me when we first met, but i only saw him as a frend, so i told him that and he said he was ok. He tried to set me up with his mate A, thats how we ended up together. Since we have been going out, A and B havent really talked to each other because B is angry with A. After mine and A's first date, A bragged to B and there other mates about our date, saying how we made out. My friend B found that disrespectful of him so he stopped tlaking to him because of that and because of other things A has apparnatly done to him in the past.Tonight B told me why he isnt talking to him anymore. Because of what A did that I just mentioned and because of other stuff which shock me. For example, apparantly once they were out at night and B was being threatened to be bashed by some guys, he asks A for his phone to call his mum but A refuses to give it to him as he was sooo drunk and was busy trying to get this girl to have sex with him. I was sooo shocked when hearing this! I didnt think A was like this.I dont know what to do. Part of me thinks it could be true but the other part thinks maybe B is making it up to tear us apart? As he did like me so he could still be jealous??I told B that I need to confront A about what he has said about but B told me not to, as he said A will blame him for breaking us up if we do. He also said that if i confronted him it would do no good because he will just deny it all. B says i should just forget it all. How can i?????? B said he doesnt really mind if their friendship is completelny ended cause he doesnt seee A as a true friend, but is still begging me not to tell A what he said. I dont get why, is it because its all a lie??? I feel so torn. Do i talk to A about it? if so do i tell him what B said or do i ask him and be very subtle? or not confront him at all? I dont know if i can trust what B says because he did like me and also because ive caught him lieing before. but then i dont know if i can trust A either because i havent known him for that long. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks. I am 19 years old and so are the other two guys involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought id let you guys know how my situation went. I spoke to my bf (A) and he had explanations for everything bad that B said about him. Im going to give him a go, because I dont think I can trust what B says, cosnidering last night B tried making moves on me. I think hes trying to ruin my relationship with A.
Thanks for the advice once again :)
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Good luck...lets us know how it goes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDazzerg- thanks for replying again. I think i will talk to him about it tomorrow.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (21 February 2008):
Every guy says they are good with the ladies, especially to other guys, it's a male pride 'alpha male' thing, if thats the case then maybe your only course of action is to speak to A but make sure you don't come across as being the advocate of B's point of view/story,this will turn it into a confrontation and automatically place you on B's side against A in his eyes and make him defensive and more likely to lie, be subtle, say something like 'i heard such and such on the grapevine and was just wondering....' maybe not in quite that way but in a way that makes it seem less like and interrogation and more like a gentle, concerned but still gentle, enquiry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah thats what i want. no not really cause i dont know any of there other friends. i do know one other guy who went to school with them but he said he didnt know them well and he made a joke about A be a player, but it was just a joke, B says A likes to think hes good with the ladies but hes not and has had barely any gfs.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (21 February 2008):
You want him to validate himself and not be the the person who did what he did...or what B said he did...is there any chance of you finding out from somebody else what went on??
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies.
Laura1318- Well no I dont love A because we havent been going out for very long at all. B is a friend but he isnt a really close friend, thats why im having trouble trusting him, also cause he used to like me.
Dazzerg- And yeah I do agree with you when you said that just because you love someone doesnt mean you have to agree with them always/stand by their side no matter what they do type of thing. I dont think it really involves me and thats what B kept telling me, he kept saying 'dont talk to him about it because it doesnt involve you', but the point is it does effect me and what A does to/around his friends such as B reflects part of who he is. I mean sure he could be a 'completely different person' around me, but then thats probably just an act, I want to know the real him. And I was thinking of doing exactly what you said, approach A to try and get his point of view. Because thats honestly what I want.
But I guess myworry is that he will just lie and I wont know what to beleieve still. B said that he will bend the truth or find some way to justify it all...
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reader, mackadocous  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I agree with Laura. I say even if you don't love either one of these guys, you should never take the word of anyone as the signed sealed and delivered truth. Everything you do in the dark eventually comes to light, TRUST THAT!!!!
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 February 2008):
I am going to disagree with the previous post a little. I have to say that loving somebody *does not* to me mean that you stand on that person's side regardless or it does not, at least, oblige you too as the previous poster implies. You have the right to maintain a critical eye and an individual stance on things after all it should be a partnership not a dictatorship.
Having said that, as you yourself are aware, there could well be an ulterior motive here and this does have to be bourne in mind when considering what to do. First things first, if it truly is that horrific (not something I can tell from this) then I would try and get independant verification for B's story. In reality the truth will most likely somewhere in-between what he says and what A would say in his defence.
If, after that, the independant version does swing towards B and it really is that bad then you do need to consider whether it involves you although I get the feeling that the issue is not that you are hoping to resolve this issue (which is not your concern) more that it has radically altered your preception of A. As that is the case, *providing you get an independant verification*, you might well feel that there is some need to speak to A and at least get his version for your own piece of mind. If you do try and minimise the level of confrontation and don't set yourself up as B's advocate, approach it more as an attempt to get A's side of the story and see what happens, go from there. Having said all that I wouldn't consider this unless somebody who is unbaised to at least bolster B's story and it has altered your preception enough that you don't think you will be able to close it off in your own mind without talking to A. Good luck.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 If you love A, then you should stand on A's side. What is B to you? Do you love him more than A?
You may not know the answer now but in time the truth will surface or may not.
I think you should just keep it to yourself and let the dust settle on this issue.
There is no point dragging it on and may have adverse repercussions to your relationship with A.
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