A
male
age
41-50,
*ustFromMe
writes:Heres the deal. I probably set myself up for this by being such a nice guy, but now I need advice on how to handle this situation.We're married for quite a few years now, and last spring, out of the blue, an ex-boyfriend of my wife's contacted her via e-mail. They were a 'serious' couple, never lived together, but dated for over a year and went away on trips together. Anyway, my wife showed me the e-mail, it was harmless, just how've you been, I hear you're married, where do you live, etc... I allowed my wife to reply and this turned into a harmless communication about once every week or two. (My wife shows me all the e-mails received and sent). I don't have a problem with this, he was in the past, and the e-mails never get inappropriate, so, it's cool.We own a beach house, and my wife goes down there a lot more than me, I usually take long weekends for work, but she stays down there a lot more. Well, this ex-boyfriend wanted to go to the beach. My wife and I discussed it, and I said he could visit there, but not stay at our house, he can get a hotel but spend the days and some dinners with us. Well, he went for a week, me for only a few days, so at least 3 days he was with my wife alone (well with our kids also, but not me there). This was at the very end of the season. My wife told me that one of the days it was after the rain, and the sand was sticking to everything, so when they got back to the house, she sent the 2 boys in the house to shower. The house only has 2 full baths inside, but has one of those enclosed, but no roof, outside showers for rinsing off sand. She told me that she sent her ex into the outside shower, and he 'pulled' her in because she was shivering, and to quick rinse off together. I assumed (because it is an outside shower with no roof, and technically the neighbors 2nd floor window can see in), that they both just rinsed off with their swim suits on. I've thought this for about 7 months now.Problem, I just went down to do some maintenance before we open up the house for spring, and I found man's swim trunks (That aren't mine), on a hook on the back of the outside shower door. You can't see it unless you walk into the shower part from the changing part. What am I to think here? I'm assuming a real lot, and it might not be true, but if it is even a little bit true, I'm really going to be very angry. Do I confront my wife? Leave the swim trunks out in our 'regular home' somewhere and see if she says something (I brought them home, don't know why)? Don't say ignore it, because then I'm assuming the worst possible scenario here.I've tried to rationalize this that maybe they rinsed off, my wife went inside to change, and he dried off and changed outside, but then I would think the swim trunks would be in the changing room, not in the shower room.
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male
reader, JustFromMe +, writes (26 February 2008):
JustFromMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. Almost everyone urged me to confront her (although in a avery nice manner). I agreed, and brought this up this past weekend. I just showed her the trunks and told her I found them at the beach house in the outside shower. She said 'they're not yours, whose are they?'. Then, after a second or so, she said 'I think Jim (the ex), had ones like that last summer, he must have left them in there'.She then explained that while they were rinsing off, he acted like he was going to pull his trunks off, and she said 'what are you doing', he told her 'I have sand up my butt and everywhere else, I'm gonna rinse it off, it's not like you haven't seen it'. She was pretty sure he wasn't intending anything, just being very open since they were intimate in the past. She told him to wait until she got out, then he can finish rinsing off and get changed outside before he knocks on the door to come in. She also said she really likes him as a friend and is glad I allow him to be our friend, but she doesn't want him to go away with us anymore unless I am there the whole time. She said Jim acted appropriate the whole time, but she felt a little weird and out of place with him and our kids alone.This actually turned into another conversation, that I'm very glad we had. She told me she always thought of him as nothing but a friend. She never loved him, nor told him she loved him, but he was more like a "friend with benefits". She is glad he is still in our life as a friend, and I should never ever think anything would ever happen with him again. She said she was never even attracted to him sexually, it was just kind of expected since they dated 1 1/2 years.I'm happy and relieved all at the same time.Thanks again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Hey dude, I agree with most of the answerers here. I would definately ask her about it, otherwise, it will eat you up, and being married, you have every right to know everything about this situation. I agree that you shouldn't confront her accusingly. But, just show her the swim suit, tell her where you found it, and ask what she knows about it. Her response and attitude when giving it will tell you a lot. Hell, it could maybe not even be the ex's. Did you have other people use your home after that? Or maybe some neighbor kids saw the house was empty and used the outside shower? Lots of other possibilities, but you do need to ask you wife, just to settle your mind. If there was something, then sorry, but you did allow an ex to be in your lives, maybe you should re-think that one.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Hi,
this could be anything, and most likely totally innocent.
But I can understand how you are feeling. At the end of the day you have every right to ask the question to your wife: "what is this man doing in our lives?"
Men do not have platonic relationships with married women ( except in the workplace i guess ) but him going on holiday to the same place just reeks. He is interested in restoking the fires otherwise he would be doing something else with his free time - i.e. something with a non married lady.
Your wife I'm sure has the best intentions - I couldn't say the same thing about this man.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I agree with the other poster. I'd approach her too. When you do, you're not looking at placing any sort of blame. You are too hear her our fully without any judgment or interruptions on your part.
Just simply let her know that this is bothering you and you just wish to have answers so you'll be at ease, then this subject can be closed.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, VincentMancini  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 This is a hard nut to crack. I know people whose parents have split up over false allegations. If I was you I would let it play out...don't "confront" her per se...more "enquire" about whose shorts they are. Risky business, my friend, ex's...bad news. Before long he'll be smothering you with a pillow if he stays over! Only joking.Just ask...don't be hard!
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A
female
reader, Raining Tears +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Well me personally if i was u....i would take the swim trunks and see if he says anything!!! and if he does then confront your wife and if she says no she didnt do anything believe her but have ur doubts.....but also make sure u ask the neighbors......GOOD LUCK!!! i hope this helps.....Sammie
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