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age
41-50,
writes: I have been criticized on my backlashing women who sleep with married men,,,and that I dont attack the men....WRONG...the men are the scumbags in this whole ordeal...Now my question, if these men are scumbags, and these women say that the wife will take them back and they will do it again,,,,why oh why,,does the mistress want him for keeps ummm? If you have taken a married man from his family, what makes you so special that you think he wont do that to you when he is bored, or saw something delicious on a porn site he wants to try.What makes you so sure that this isnt the way he courted his wife back then too. These women are so quick to judge the wife, in saying the man is unhappy, I can only say from experience and seeing the married men around me,,who cherish the ground thier wives walk on, and yet I come to find out they have had an affair....They lavish their wives with jewellery, clothing, buy only the best of homes, and yet have this dirty secret that they had an affair..they realize that what they were looking for was an illusion most men realize the woman for them was their wife all alongMy husband fell in this idea to have an affair, unforunately for him he married Sherlock Holmes...I found out in one month,,,it was his first time..I have realized the mistakes in my marriage, and now we are working things out I know that he never realized that I loved him this much,,and I didnt realize that I loved him this much...when I realized that I might lose him the animal instincts kicked in...He is forever sorry, we feel like kids again, making out, going for walks, he took one year of absence from his job,,,we made up for all the lost time we missed...So is someone going to write me saying all is calm again he will cheat again...Im ready,,Im sure there are lots of mistresses out there licking their wounds, wanting to attack my happiness again.....or healing...because I call you girls the "LEACHES" of the world
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Hi,I would add this i often think if my husband had a mistresss instead of the whores he was seeing that would have made me feel better for one it is only one women!!People do fall out of love and in love again it happens all over the world.I never saw personally what another woman would want with another woman's man but that is me i can't talk for so many others this has happened too maybe quite innocently i am sure there are plenty of men/woman out there who don't go out there way to wreck a famiy.It is never easy to be on the receiving end and i think either way someone always ends up being badly affected by hurt and loss so maybe in the long term all married men/women should avoid the very thing that would make this happen many have the wandering eye but that is all it should do look but don't touch!!!Ginalolabridga
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Hi!
I am a mistress and I did not go into this with the intention of wrecking a home or anything like that. I have never even asked him to leave his wife. He and I have deep feelings for each other. We don't even discuss his wife. The most we talk about is his daughter. Sometimes two people meet and fall in love and cannot help the circumstances surrounding them. I'm not in this for financial gain either as I am very independent, good job, own place and never ask him for any financial help. All the gifts he buys me, he buys of his own volition with no prompting from me. Heck I even pick up the bills sometimes. So I can honestly say, right now, I'm with him because I love him. Does that make me a leech? I don't think so. He and I spend more time together than he does with his wife. That should be enough for her to figure out there is something wrong with her marriage. I'm with him most holidays too. I always tell my girlfriends that all men are going to cheat. It's only a matter of when. So either put up or shove off. Whatever makes you happy. And it looks like you've decided to put up...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hmm...he gave me plenty of time to think, silly mistake...to wonder- if he could cheat on his wife so casually, whom he's supposed to love very dearly, how do I know he won't do the same to me?
No sirree, I deserve much much better...and definitely not him!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): I am a so-called "mistress" and, no, I do not think I am special. Not in the way you suggest. I do not feel like I am more special than his wife, or anyone else. I am just a single woman who has fell in love with a person I cannot have.
I understand your anger. I, too, would be angry. And hurt. But you must try to understand that, as far as I was/am concerned, I wasn't in competition with his wife. I know he's with her. I assume he loves her very much. But people are not perfect. The fact that I have done this (and still am) is proof of this to myself. I never thought I would be a "mistress". Even silently condemned them in the past. But I've learned that life and time are full of surprises. There are just moments in your life where you surprise yourself. And I am sorry that whatever I happen to be going through right now could potentially hurt another person. That is not what drives me.
Be mad. Be resentment. But please be realistic. All mistresses are not created equal. Everyone is different. And you never know a person's reasons for doing what they never thought they would. All married men who cheat aren't "scumbags" either. I know that my MM is a good person. So am I. We are just experiencing each other even though we know it's wrong.
And for the record, when this started, I wasn't sleeping with her husband. I mean this by saying that I was only sleeping with him, the individual. I never knew her. I only know him.
This situation has caused me more pain than pleasure. I've cried more than he will ever know. Because it's my job to pretend that I'm this carefree, fun, spontaneously-sexy woman who has no guilt, conscience, or consideration for his wife. If he only knew the truth he'd leave me alone.
Right now, he is filling a major void in my life. Sad, but true.
For the record, I do care. I do have remorse. I do cry for what I am doing. I do think about her, and hope my pain does not cause her pain. I do feel terrible. But...I feel terrible when I'm not with him. And that's what carries me back every time.
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male
reader, Dave70  +, writes (2 March 2008):
 outside marriage, men don't change with a woman but they change 4 a new woman. With a wife a man that stays can learn to love her right and becomes a new man. this dont happen with a mistress.
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female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (23 February 2008):
 No one can take anyone away from anyone else.
I am in a miserable marriage. Men have always flirted with me and many have let me know they weren't just playing.
I have not had an affair for many reasons, but the bottom line is it would hurt me in the end, regardless of my husband finding out.
While I can't say that I condone affairs, I can say that I understand them. I don't judge people that have them anymore than I judge people seeking comfort in alcohol, compulsive spending, overeating ... we all have our vices. I can't throw stones at glass houses.
The single person having sex with the married person could be anything from a manipulator getting a thrill out of the idea of *taking* a married person to a person afraid of commitment so only having relationships with ineligible people. The reasons are many. Please do not cover them all with one blanket.
You have every reason for venting powerful emotions but from your post, it is evident that they are still quite conflicted. I hope you can create your peace.
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (23 February 2008):
 If I may be allowed to I would like to take my sword into this and start cutting away at the incredible hostility held not only by the questioner but a few others who call cheating men greedy bastards and women conniving leeches.
Only a couple has observed rightly that married women also cheat on their husbands as well. Do you call those women greedy? No. In fact many of you would say they would cheat on their husbands, because they feel hurt and their marriages are not working. So even as the Cheater you probably side with the women doing the cheating. But if the man is doing the cheating he is a scumbag!
Woman and men are different and I will be the first to say this in just about any argument in which men and women differ. Girls play with dolls, boys play with cars etc.
But when it comes to cheating the motivations and reasons are all the same. When you enter into a marriage…as a man or as a woman you are entering into a Covenant with each other. You are equally expected to love and stay with each other, respect each other …and not cheat. That’s what marriage is about. You don’t get a free pass if you’re unhappy, no matter what the circumstances.
But UNHAPPINESS is the root cause for all cheating. Happy men do not cheat…happy women do not cheat.
When a man cheats on his wife it’s not because he’s greedy and wants it all….that notion is just insane! If he truly wanted it all why would he enter into marriage? A man who “wanted it all” would stay single and date any number of women he wanted. Hugh Hefner comes to mind…he has three girlfriends (not to mention the thousands that have passed through his life). Men enter marriage because we want stability in our lives with one woman we can love and rely on day in and day out. One woman who will stay with us through thick and thin. Sickness and in health…all that stuff. Those aren’t just words but have real meaning to a lot of men who enter into marriage. I for one took these words seriously, and in my marriage never once cheated on my wife, even when we were already divorcing and had every right to. My ex-wife did not take our marriage vows seriously and cheated on me …and did a number of other things that contributed to our breakup. If she was unhappy, and motivated to do these things because of her unhappiness, what does that leave me…happy and content? Of course not….if anything I had a right to be more unhappy with the choices my ex-wife made, just as any woman who had been cheated on by her husband should be. When you’re a victim of a cheating spouse it’s lousy no matter if you are a man or a woman.
SO when I hear all this useless name calling saying men are this way woman are that way…I just have to laugh here! What’s the freaking difference? A cheat is a cheat! When you break your vows, whether you’re a man or woman it’s all the same. You did wrong. You took the easy way out. That’s why it’s called cheating!
If you’re unhappy in your marriage fix it! If you can’t fix it get out. If kids are involved you stick it out and deal with it. Why can’t more sane people see this? People who cheat are trying are just simply trying to get outside their marriage what their spouse is not giving them. Again I stress this applies to both men and women. I don’t excuse it but I understand it, and you have to understand this without hostility and name calling.
I have come a long way and have learned to accept what my wife did and have long forgiven her. WE still did divorce because the happiness factor wasn’t there for her and for me. We couldn’t fix what was broken. These things happen. I am an honorable man and have no regrets….I respected our vows to the last day. I can look myself in the mirror. She however has many regrets she has to live with the rest of her life, the cheating and other terrible choices she made have made her a bitter and beaten person. I actually feel sorry for her now.
My whole point here is that there are also a lot of women who make just as bad a choice when they cheat just as men do. The cheating is part of a big sad story. Every story is different. So I for one do not make do not make generalizations about how cheating men are scumbags, and cheating women are victims. There are cheating women who are also scumbags. Im calling it as I see it.
My advice to you and all these women throwing cheating men into the fire is to look at yourselves. A sin is a sin. A bad choice is a bad choice. Men or women. At the Judgment Gate there isn’t a separate line for men and women.
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female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 First off...
What may be factors in, what would be on his side, a dead marriage?
Financial problems?
Depression?
Addictions, possibly pornography?
Parallel marriage? Distance of emotion?
No longer spoken words of Our children, our home, our marriage...more of my children, my home, my money...???
A happy man would not stray. An honest, loving man of integrity would not stray.
Are you able to say yourself, that you did your all, gave your all to prevent straying, affairs?
Did you and Hubby come up with rules you would both live to affair proof your marriage?
I'm glad you are working to repair your marriage and trust but you still hold anger and resentment against WOMEN who decide to go after married men...but what lies or words of omission did Hubby say to the mistress to have her stay?
Ownership and responsibility first, is within your marriage and is your and his...
and secondly...hers.
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (22 February 2008):
 It takes a stronger woman to stay, sorry but thats wrong. It takes a stronger woman to LEAVE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Jazzmine, MAIL ME!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all
I don't feel better after this bitch rant, I guess you don't understand, I am not agains all women but against those who are self loathing insecure and needy of other women's men,,,,the mistresses,,or the women who pursue these married men and yes I agree with you both are leeches. In my husband's case she was the leech, and yes he was greedy scumbag, after 18 years of marriage decided to ruin a good thing...I hate the bullshit of unhappy man, if there was an unhappy person it was me....he wanted everything done to the T, then to find out he's with this scumbag who looks like she bathes once a week....
Yes, I am pissed if there was someone who should of had an affair it should of been me!
But, I stuck it out,,have to tell you kinda wished she had gotten pregnant, so she could have him,,somehow I actually felt sorry for my husband, that if he left me he would get stuck with this skank,,how stupid am I!
I do love him, but things are different,,,
I just want women to know that these are people's lives, if a married person is weak, it could be because of so many reasons,,,,,Leave him,,,he probably has kids,, he has a house that he will lose the respect...I mean so much BAGGAGE...
I dont want to sound so aggressive Im not..my kids have been so affected by this I can't even tell you this has been like a death in the family..
And Yes I have been to a counsellor, Believe it or not,,,what I talk about to him, is what he says is the truth about both my husband was evil and greedy and so was the other woman so Im not totally losing it....
Thanx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): You sound very bitter. I have been a mistress and you know what? I didn't think of myself as 'special' in fact if I HAD thought that, I would never have been a mistress in the first place.
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female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (21 February 2008):
 I am not a mistress and will never be one, but I know how bitter and hurt you feel Are you keeping this wound open because you are afraid he will do it again when everything calms down? Jaazmine he is human ,you need to see him for who he is and not who you want him to be. Everyone deserves a second chance. Let him make it up to you and learn to trust him again. Be positive, these bitter garbs you keep on airing about these men and women are all negative. Its not your fault he did what he did, he did it because he wanted to. Just as he wants to stay and fix things.
Don’t be a victim , don’t let these people get the better of you. Fight for the person you are, for your essence.Marriage can survive an affair and if he does do it again ,he does it knowing he will loose you.Stick by that and put your forgiveness into action.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I've been the wife left at home with the kids, i wish they had run off with my bloke, truth was, he was a wife beater and i was lucky to escape with my life. Mistresses, he had three, none of them wanted him for keeps. Its no fun being the wifey in a case like mine.
take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Happily married men who have affairs are plain greedy. They want more and are selfish enough to be perpared to sacrifice their families to get it. In fact the risk they think is half the fun. Truth is many of us women do the same. Plus we are the mistresses. We are all human, weak, liable to fail and do bad things. Absolutely all of us is capable of being revolting to others and sometimes it is an effort and painful to be inner-facing.
Some affairs begin because the man feels unloved and unhappy. I am afraid that my lovely man left his lonely marriage after 10 trying to fix it. I am pleased that I just waited for him to leave and did not get with him until after. If a marriage is unhappy and somebody leaves then that is to my mind (while sad) OK. If a man stays and messes about because he wants it all that is rubbish. His ex still behaves as though he had an affair though.
Anyway I hope you get to settle and trust again and that this issue is in the past. I love my man and I think we will be together forever, but I have decided that if I ever get betrayed again I am going to take up the small part of me that likes other women and be a lesbian and I mean it. There are plenty of good mature women out there like me and I have a feeling we would be just grand!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): What makes we mistresses think we're so special? I think if you met a 'mistress' then you'd discover that the problem is that we DON'T think we're special. Not special enough to deserve a happy marriage and husband of our own. Certain cheating husbands can 'sniff out' a potential mistress from 100 miles away thanks to their vulnerability and usually low self-esteem, and milk her for all she is worth...yes she often feels guilty and probably tries to end it, but it's hard to fight an addiction to something when it keeps appearing at your front door...
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (21 February 2008):
What do you mean your ready for them again? Have you told your husband if he does that again he's out?
On these women, yeah I think their scum and I don't understand why they want to sleep with a married man. They properly don't respect marriage, I grew up with a mum and dad still together and I know the impact on the family if one of them cheated. Some women are very bitchy though, they just want what you have. BUT if a man the cheating type, then he's going to cheat whatever happens! If your husband really loved you, he would have held himself back and walked away from the situation. This country I notice puts the blame on the other woman too much, guess who's banging the other woman!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Hi jaazmine
Agree with others to certain extend but the person that made this all happen was the husband, he married you lives with you. Now about the married man unhappy senario this has NOTHING to do with the wife not personally its HIM thats not happy and intead of tlk sorting it with wife he cheats (not the only reason to that btw)I am glad you are sorting thing with hubby and really hope it works out for you both as I have been there done that tryed to forgive forget (failed)Now to get on to the mistress if you wish, these are prob woman that have been hurt in the past, desperate for love attention, now men can smell this a mile or the mistress like to be persued guy won't give up, the real them in with their lies promises then when it all comes out its a diff story!I have read you posts, you are angry at the mistress but your anger shpuld have been direct to your hubby as to will he do it again who knows? I hope not for your sake one last peice don't do the sex thing to keep him it won't work he should be bending over backwards(lol) to keep you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): My take on this is that a lot of it obviously stems from your personal experience which you mention.
In order to write a balanced and intelligent post on the subject and be taken seriously you really need to remove the sweeping generalisations.
Men and women cheat, love and lust cause all of us to act irrationally and badly at times. All of us are individuals and we are all human, with human emotions and flaws.
No ammount of ranting and raving, moral high ground-taking or judgmental attitudes will ever change the simple truth that these things happen.
You obvioulsy are carrying a lot of anger from your husband's affair which councelling would help.
Kindest Regards x
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male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (21 February 2008):
Hi,
I read your post with interest and agree with your perspective in many details. As I am a guy and have never had an affair with a married woman I don't really qualify to answer your question. But I have asked the question of female friends who I know have been carrying on with married guys and basically said the same thing. "What makes you so sure that you can trust him if he leaves his wife for you that at some future point he wont leave you for another in much the same way?"
The way you have decided that you want to keep your husband and that you really did love him enough for it to be worth the effort to mend the relationship, is admirable and I salute you.
And to all those mistresses out their who want to rain on your parade, think twice and be honest with yourself. Is there really an element of truth that you recognise in all this?
Jaazmine, I would also suggest for you, that when you have forgiven him, let him know that you have and then don't make him pay for it any more. He needs to feel safe on the basis of his behaviour, not unsafe and walking on eggshells all the time which although it may work for a while may eventually lead him to think that life is not worth this cost. Just think, if you keep worrying and picking at an injury it never truly heals and if it does, the scar left behind is much worse than if it had just been treated properly and then left to mend.
I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (21 February 2008):
Wow...feel better after this bitch rant?
I hope so because that is a heck of alot of aggression against women, needy,insecure, self loathing women but still...how about we compromise and say both the men and women are LEECHES?
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