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To love, or not to love, that is the question

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 January 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2018)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I really don't know how to put this out there, I normally like to keep things pretty private, it's simpler that way. I am

interested in dating again after many years of being alone. I meet women all the time, lovely women, but there are some things that I have to live with that always drive them away instantly.

The first thing is I live with HIV, I was diagnosed in 1990, the thing with that is, to look at me you would never know it, so on that note the problem is, when I meet a woman they seem to be very interested, glad to have met me etc.

I don't believe in disclosing my status right away, I allow them to get to know me as a person first, then the question comes up. They ask me, " do you want me" and that's when the proverbial oatmeal hits the fan.

I must now disclose to her that I am HIV positive, sure according to the law, I have to do that, I would do that anyway law or no law, there are many women in my family and I

would be mad as hell if one of them had met some guy who was positive and did not tell them, so screw the law, it's just the right thing to do, a woman should always have a choice as to whether she wants to be with me or not,

tantamount to that, not to inform her is attempted murder, they usually run, rightfully so though, it hurts like hell but I rather they knew the truth because eventually, I'll get over it.

I am also a great full recovering addict, I use the term "greatfull" because outside of this diagnosis, I have a great life, a fun life, and I wouldn't trade what I have today for any amount of cocaine or money, these have been the best two years I've ever known and I only want to share it with a good woman.

I've been doing a great deal of listening regarding HIV and it has become apparent to me that many of these women are misinformed about HIV, It's no longer the death sentence that most belived it to be.

Mine is undetectable and has been for a number of years, I was once in a great relationship with a woman for three years, the relationship ended over some other issues.

We had one great sex life, she was never infected, and yes she knew about me and we kept it between us.

I go every day to my twelve step program and have a great time, I never ever ever try to date women out of the program, big mistake, I say that for a number of reasons, but that's not an option, suffice it to say that , those women are there to get help and they need to focus on them selves right now, so that they can properly heel and become happy joyas and free, they have a right to that.

I have also considered dating other HIV positive women.

I have yet to meet one, the women who have it usually don't talk about it.

All these years, I had an existence, not a life,I now I have a new life, and I just don't want to spend it alone

View related questions: hiv , money, sex life

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOh sweetheart. You sound like a genuinely lovely guy. And you sound like a very STRONG man. Well done for overcoming your addictions. That takes real strength of character.

I suspect that most people do still panic when they hear the term "HIV positive" and that most people still see it as a death sentence. Given this misconception, I am sure you can understand why they would distance themselves when they find out someone they have been dating has the condition. They will be worried on two levels: the possibility of getting infected themselves and the possibility of getting attached to the infected person and losing them to the condition in the near future. Both are perfectly natural reactions and these ladies do have the right to "protect" themselves as they see fit.

I do think the advice you have been given on investigating dating sites for HIV positive members is good advice. In this way both parties know the full situation from the start and, also, both will be informed on the implications of the condition. Give it a go. As with all dating sites, you may meet a lot of ladies who are not for you but, somewhere out there, there will be at least one who can make you happy, and you her.

Good luck. You deserve to be happy. Go and look for that special person. And stay strong. You are a very special person.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (13 January 2018):

I know that HIV is not the death sentence that is once was, but I would not date a woman with the disease. So I don't blame the women who reject you over this issue. We have a lot of preconceived notions that hold over from the old days when it was pretty much a death sentence, and these are hard to let go of. You are really pushing the bus uphill by drawing from the general population and then hoping there will be understanding.

As Aunt Honesty suggests, you are best off to find a woman who is also infected. Google "HIV dating" and you'll find more than you can ever read - over 2.5 million links - regarding this issue. There are sites that specialize in matching HIV-infected people. Also, there may be support groups in your area...your doctor or closest HIV clinic can advise you on this. I really don't think it is going to be that difficult for you to find someone. Regardless, good luck! I wish you great success in finding the partner of your dreams.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYour story has pulled at my heart strings, I really admire you and I feel for you that you cannot find someone to share your life with. First off well done on getting over your addictions and continuing to be clean. You should be very proud of yourself.

Now on to the hard bit. I can see why this would scare a woman away equally it would probably scare a man away as well if the tables where turned. It’s such a taboo subject where people hear it and automatically think off death.

Have you tried online dating or finding a group for other people who are living with hiv? Because it sounds like you would be much better finding a woman who understands the disease. I know it is easier said than done and I cannot imagine how hard it must be in you to find a woman to settle down with.

I wish I could say something that is helpful but I really am not to sure how to help you. Maybe you could reconsider meeting a woman at your group. I understand you when you are saying they need to focus on themselves but I also think you should be more open to the idea and let the women make their own choices if they want to date or not.

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