A
female
age
30-35,
*andabeargirl
writes:Dear cupid, I would like some advice and opinions on my situation. This may get a bit confusing so I apologize and will be happy to answer any questions you guys may have.I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is the only serious relationship I have ever been in and I care about him more than anything. He is very respectful and has always been here for me, he is just an amazing guy.He broke up with me a few months ago, and then asked me to be with him again not too long after the break up. Well, ever since we got back together I have been confused about our relationship and I feel like things just aren't the same anymore. I feel like I don't make him as happy as I use to when we first started dating and I think he could be happier without me.Here is where the tricky part comes in. I know I love him a lot and care about him, but I feel as if I'm holding onto this guy because I'm just so attached to him and so use to him being in my life. He has been such a huge part of my life for so long, and he has been the only one that has been here for me. He is the only guy I have ever trusted. We connect so well emotionally and have always been there for each other. This is going to sound selfish but I can't stand the thought of him finding and being with someone else. I feel terrible for saying this, but do you think I may not be in love with this guy anymore? Am I holding onto this guy for the wrong reasons? How do you know when you're not 'in love' anymore? How do you know when it's time to just let someone go? I would hate to lose this guy, I care so much about him and wouldn't know what to do without him but I want him to be happy.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 YOU think HE could be happier without you. WHAT does HE THINK about this?
Is the issue that you could be happier without him or he could be happier without you?
Either you love him and want to be with him or you don't.
using the " i love you but i'm not in love with you" line is a crock.
I love my husband
I love ice cream
one i can do without (ice cream)
one I can't (well I can but i choose not to)
so if you are not sure about what's going on with the relationship talk to the other person in the relationship and figure out why you are discontent and wondering if you should leave.
and stop trying to blame it on him being happier without you. he clearly was not happier without you.. he came back.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 There is no difference between 'love' and being 'in love', that is just nonsense that people make up as a poor excuse for breaking up with someone.
Loving someone is being attached to them, it is being so close to that person that you cant imagine life without them, it is hating the idea of them being with someone else....all of what you described is love. You clearly love your boyfriend, so that is not the issue. Dont try and confuse yourself with this 'in love' idea, it doesnt really exist. Many people confuse the 'in love' idea with those first few months/1 year where you are infatuated with your partner, but that is not being 'in love'. In love and infatuation are two different things, so when people are infatuated they think they are in love when that is not the case, so they over-estimate their feelings for someone so when the infatuation dies down they dont feel like there is much left, so they think they are not 'in love' anymore.
The truth is that simply the honeymoon phase has passed, you are not obsessed with each other like you were at first and the relationship has simply moved into a new phase where you are more comfortable with each other. This doesnt mean the love has gone, it just means you are in a different phase of the relationship and the love has developed from that early obession feeling to a closer, more comfortable kind of love.
What I will say is this is a very common problem for people with their first relationships. The problem is no loving or being in love with your partner, you love him and you are in love - there is no issue there. The issue is that you dont know anything else, you have never experienced another relationship so you are naturally wondering what else is out there.
Why did he break up with you in the first place? And what makes you think you dont make him happy anymore? What do you feel isnt the same?
As I've said the love thing isnt the issue, but without knowing the answers to the above questions its hard for me to comment further.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 April 2013):
There's nothing wrong with anything you've said here, so don't feel bad. Your analysis of the situation is actually pretty thorough.
This is something that I wish I would have really listened to earlier in my life: dating is a way to "try out" someone to see if you two are compatible. When you realize that you're not right for each other its time to move on. If you stay out of habit or fear of being alone you may miss the opportunity to find the love of your life.
Happiness in life isn't completely dependant on your significant other, but it's a huge part. So don't stay with someone who doesn't make you happy!
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