A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am seeking advice,I have been involved with a man whom ive been on and off with for 5 years. we were together for a solid year and a half, and he broke it off. The breakup was devastating for me, I thought he was the one. since then we have been doing this on and off thing, we act like couple without the title, sleep together, he ghosts, comes back, dates other women, comes back, leads me on, leaves, comes back..he always initiates contact. its to the point where its out of control. why do I continue to let him back in my life after he mistreats me terribly. i still like seeing his name pop up on my phone! i am a smart girl and i cant believe i let this happen time and time again. what gives? what is wrong with me? why am i so afraid to walk away? am i in love or just addicted to someone who rejects me to boost my own ego? i just cant take the heartache anymore Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I hate to say it, but relationships like these are like a drug. You remember the first "high" you got from your partner and since then you've been trying to recapture it. Each time he comes back you probably hope you can convince him to stick around for good, or things will change.
Unfortunately, the good times are largely in the past -- and I believe he knows it. The fact that he calls you up and you do the couple thing and he has sex with you, likely he has hit a dry spell in his ring of girlfriends and you are filling in until something better comes along.
At some point you have to come to the realization that you deserve better. The fact that you keep taking him back is pretty much a reflection of your self-esteem: you feel you don't deserve better. Also, every time you take him back, you are delaying and ruining your chances of finding Mr Right. Also, you are putting your life on hold. Even if you were to repair things, there has been so much water under the bridge, that the trust and resentment has likely caused so much damage.
Accept the fact that this relationship is over and done. Return the ghosting that he does to you. Block his number, defriend him on Facebook -- do whatever it takes. But simply put move on. Your dreams and goals in life do not include this man in the picture.
You may also find it useful to talk to a therapist -- even for a few sessions. You might discover what is missing in your life and what sort of patterns you are playing out in entering this bad deal. You may also want to reinvent yourself. If possible, move to another area or get a fresh perspective. Sometimes altering your life in a major way can pay huge dividends in rediscovering the joy of life. I know I've done it more than once with much success.
Eddie
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 You keep taking him back because you want him to change, you want him to love you and you want him to choose you and nobody else. Will he change? No. Deep down you know that he won't but it seems that a small bit off you still hopes that he wants to be with only you, you hope that if you show him you love him, he will fall for you as well.
But the sad reality is he knows you are a phone call away, so when he wants someone to talk to or to have sex with he will call you until some other girl comes along. He doesn't see you as relationship material just someone to fill a space until someone else comes along.
Off course you can do better than this, you just need the confidence and strength to avoid him. Believe in yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2016):
 I agree BLOCK his number (or even better GET a new phone number), block on social media and well, and if he shows up at your house don't answer the door.
WHY do you do it? Well, maybe part of it is that you don't LIKE rejection (no one does) and you take him back to "prove" him wrong. To show him that you are "better" than he thinks. However, you need to be more concerned with how YOU see yourself, than how HE sees you.
HE has you pegged already. Someone who he can EASILY use when he is in a lull.
If you two spend 5 YEARS!! ON/OFF then you NEED to accept that it was not working AT ALL. When people need to take "breaks" in a relationship it's because they don't know how to make it work or they choose to run when things get tough. Sounds very much like he is the "runner". When things get a little tough or boring he go chasing that "new relationship effect" or "greener grass" and when it wears off elsewhere he comes back ONLY to dump you for another "lawn".
I agree that you NEED to start filling your life with things YOU enjoy (that isn't him), POSITIVE people who lifts you up, and take a GOOD long hard look at your own behavior. He isn't MAKING you taking him back. YOU choose to. DOING the same thing OVER and OVER and expecting a different outcome is NOT working for you. Accept that. He is NOT a good fit for you. He he obviously think he can do "better" than you, that is why he keeps searching. Yet when he finds that he ISN'T really finding that "unicorn-GF" he "thinks" he can get, he comes back to you - not because you are special to him... but because you are familiar and you TAKE him back.
The thing is YOU are special and deserves so much better than him.
Stop being his gap-stop.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 Disappear, make it so that he CAN'T initiate contact again, the only reason he can do this currently is because YOU let him.
Give yourself a good shake, and then block him all over the place, block his number on your cell, block him on ALL social networking sites, block his email address, and, just in case he is crass enough to use a friend's phone or facebook or whatever, block all his mates as well.
If he comes a knocking then let anybody who you share a front door bell with know that he is somebody that you are NEVER home to, if you live alone use the peep hole and just ignore that bell.
Your life is never going to improve as long as you have this arsehat calling the shots, its your life, YOU call the shots, make a decision for yourself and stick to it!
In the meantime start filling the spaces in your life he would usually occupy, take up a short course, visit your parents, or an aunt, learn pottery or short story writing, volunteer on a crisis line ....
Your future is yours to build, so build it and stop letting somebody else derail it, go on, you can do it!
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