A
female
age
30-35,
*gatha Tammiek
writes:I feel as though I'm in a lifeless, passionless, boring relationship with my long term boyfriend. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. At first it was exciting and very passionate. But time took its toll and that passion has been lost. Our anniversary has just passed and he forgot it, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day either. The more our relationship progresses the more I feel insecure about myself. My boyfriend never says he loves me of his own accord and we have no sex at all anymore. It's been months, and when we do he doesn't make an effort to make it anyway meaningful (no kissing just straight to the point) , I feel used. I do love him so much but I question his love for me. I'm unhappy and when I try to voice my concerns they fall on deaf ears. When I get upset about this he says he love me but I feel as though the words aren't enough anymore. Essentially the relationship has brought me to feel deflated, insecure , unattractive and unwanted I'm only 22 and I feel like I'm too young to be in a lifeless relationship at this point in my life but I don't want to loose my boyfriend as I really do love him .
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Unfortunately, some relationships last a lifetime and others only a short period of time. It sounds like the fireworks are over and you are beginning to ask yourself what is next?
When the sex fizzles and the magic seems to have faded what you have is simply each other and the ability to get along. For some people, that is enough, but for others they crave more. And that is okay and acceptable. We owe it to ourselves to find someone who will make us happy. Sometimes, you will have to sacrifice a bit though and you do that if there is something there.
Also keep in mind that some relationships go through high points and lows. It certainly sounds like yours has certainly hit a lull.
Have you sat down with him and told him how you feel? It is all right too ask your partner for support and emotional care. Perhaps he feels the same way as you. The fact that he didn't act on Valentine's Day might mean he is taking you for granted or has emotionally checked out. Or it could be that he feels that you know how he feels about you.
Ultimately you are the only one who can decide if you want something new or you've had enough. The fact that you say you love him and care about him means something is still there. It may be time for a one-on-one conversation or at least some deep soul searching for yourself.
Eddie
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 March 2016):
 Time to trade him in on a new boyfriend......
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2016):
 I too agree with Auntie BimBim
He is fine with status quo. He is fine with not having to make an effort any more.
For you to "settle" for this at 22? That is a shame.
I'd give him the boot as well, I would not try counseling, personally. I think this is more of a case of having outgrown each other and him taking you for granted. He is as BORED as you are he just can't be bothered to DO anything about it. And if you have tried to do something about, talk about it and you get na-da... at some point LOVE isn't "enough" to make you stick it out.
When you have to TELL someone I NEED to hear the words and feel loved and they can't comprehend that... how deeply do they care? Is he just waiting for you to "have enough" and end it, so HE doesn't feel like the "bad guy" for breaking up? or is he just with you out of familiarity? 3 years isn't SO far into a relationship that the passion should be stone cold dead.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 March 2016):
I second Aunty Bim Bim's advice. I had an ex like this and after years of telling him how I felt and him ignoring me I snapped and left, and he was shocked to his core! He said I'd blindsided him, when in actual fact he'd been dismissing my feelings as 'nagging' and just brushing them off.
Well you've never seen anyone make so much effort after that! We ended up splitting up because by that point most of my love for him had gone, but if there was still love there I think we could have made it work. So I say you have one last talk with him and if it doesn't work, walk. Sometimes people need to actually lose something to realise what it means to them.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (15 March 2016):
Hi. I'll just bet that you don't live him like you used to do, but think you do. This isn't the men you fell for. If you met this man three years ago you wouldn't look twice would you? You would have been bored out of your brain... Who you fell for isn't here any more. Try the frank conversation, but keep it as non confrontational as you can. Tell him you really miss you guys when you started out, the fun you had together and you want to get back to some of that, how does he feel about it? Reek him how it makes you feel.We all become physically addicted to people in relationships... There is a hormonal element that feels awful on withdrawal, and I suspect this coupled with the desire for the man he was will make it difficult to walk away... But as you rightly, you are so young and don't want this to be your destiny.If he doesn't take the time to listen and the chance to change, you do need to move on if you want to achieve for yourself what is missing from your current relationship
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 Your boyfriend has got lazy, he thinks he doesn't have to make an effort because you have been together for three years and because you have accepted this nothing of a relationship, thinks nothing will change.
You say you have tried voicing your concerns but they fall on deaf ears ..... if he wont talk then you can walk.
You are so young, too young to be accepting this as your lot in life, so, if you don't live together end the relationship ...... if you do live together you need to decide who moves out, him or you ..... if you have somewhere you can go then move out!
The shock might make him wake up to himself, if it does don't take him back until you see a sustained effort on his part for a period of AT LEAST six months. Suggest couples counselling as well. If the shock of you packing up and moving on doesn't shock him out of his lazy stupor then you really haven't lost anything of worth anyway, and will be doing yourself a BIG BIG favour.
Good luck!
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