A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm a 19 year old gay guy who's never been in a relationship. And I feel really terrible about it. I hate feeling lonely and depressed all the time. But I feel like I'll be alone forever. I know it seems like it should be but the gay community isn't that great. It's really hard to be gay. Not only is it hard to find other gay guys (Let alone find ones that I actually click with) but from personal experience I've found that a lot of the gay community are very dismissive and judgmental towards each other. You would think we would know better from all that we had to fight for in the human rights campaign. But from personal experience and observation, I've found that a lot of the gay community are really vain, shallow, and racist. It's like if they can't count every muscle on your body, you don't have a massive penis, or are a cute little white "twink" then you're worthless and don't deserve their time. It get's really frustrating. I feel like it's not even worth trying to find an intimate relationship...not even friendships either because for some reason a lot of gay guys are concerned with aesthetics. What's the point anymore. I should just except the fact that I'll be alone forever. Why are gay guys like this? What does a guy have to do to find decent human beings who want to have a deeper connection than how big my penis and biceps are or the color of my skin? I just don't get it and it's so frustrating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): I can relate so much to your post that I could have actually written it.
Yes gay men are shallow, vain and racist.
I'm 32 and I still feel the same way. So those comments that say "You're 19. You've got so many more years ahead to find someone who you click with" - it's not happening. I wish someone told this when I was 19!
I have accepted that I'll be alone forever. It's so much easier that dealing with so much disappointment.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 As a "member" of the gay community, I suppose I can see where you're coming from. The thing is, I don't think it's just the gay community that does this. I think it's just the nature of dating, in general. Your problems don't sound just like gay-specific problems. I think many straight men probably feel the same way you do. And straight women probably do, too, just in different ways.
Straight women worry about being dismissed for their weight, if their boobs are too small, if they make too much money, are too opinionated - the list goes on. And straight men worry about the same things you do - penis size (big worry), muscles, salary, you name it. It's just the nature of the wonderful world of dating.
You're 19. You've got so many more years ahead to find someone who you click with. You'll find Someone, I guarantee it. Try not to let it get you down.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 May 2014):
I have a few gay friends who have complained that the gay community is not great for dating if you are a normal guy... Even in a very gay friendly city here like Seattle. They said it's very fetishised (I don't know the terms) and image obsessed.
But, you're 19. There are plenty of guys like you they're just not as visible. It obviously takes more time because instead of having around 45% of the population to choose from you have around 10%. And that 10% may be in the closet, may prefer "bears" or whatever a twink is (I can imagine).
But even as a straight guy who's decent looking and not shy, I didn't have my first post high school relationship until I was 20.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 May 2014):
Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry you feel so alone. For what it is worth, the gay community isn't any different than the straight community, the traits you've described are frequently seen in straight people too. It is hard for everyone, gay or straight, to find a good match. My hairdresser for instance is late 30s, an amazing guy, successful business owner, and just finally recently found love after years of searching, he didn't like drama, or overly flamboyant men, and it was tough for him. But there IS someone out there for you. If you haven't yet, perhaps you should find a dating site, where you can be very specific about what personality traits you are after.
Being lonely is hard!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): My young friend, don't be discouraged or lose heart. First of all, you have limitations due to your age. You have only seen the surface of the gay community, and you have many years ahead of you as far as meeting someone is concerned.
Everything you've sited in your observation of the gay community is true. Although, it doesn't give an accurate or fair description of our entire community. Just a pathetic segment of it. That is the weakest part, that falls under the stereotypical behavior that makes a mockery of gay-life. That only adds to the pain and frustration of our kind, like we don't have enough to deal with from homophobic straight and closeted gay people.
You can only speak of as many as you have met in your short gay experience. At 19, your experience is quite limited. If you read DC, you will read the same observations made by people your age about the straight world. So you are now viewing life and humanity as a young man, rather than a boy. You are no longer as sheltered as you used to be; so you will be overwhelmed and shocked to some degree.
The world is not always nice. It isn't always cruel either. So you have to be careful how you form your attitude. Attitude has a lot to do with how people react to you as a person. If you don't like yourself, it reflects in your attitude. You can't start out so angry and bitter about being gay; when you haven't really had much experience at life to begin with.
Until you are the legal age of 21 in the United States, you may not be ready to move wherever you'd like; or you can't afford to travel as much as you wish. I would suspect you may still live with your parents. Hopefully you are a college student. An education these days is very important. It will help you to cope better with society, and enhance your self-awareness. It will open many doors for you. Personal development through education comes first. It will give you confidence. It will also expose you to other gay young men who are entering the gay-world at the same level of experience.
Your self-esteem has been damaged, and you haven't worked on developing self-confidence. You rely too heavily on the validation of others; before you can accept yourself. You are still carrying scars from your high school years. So there may be a fair amount of over-sensitivity. It's all normal and to be expected. You just don't know how common it is; and most gay people start out with your opinion, until they know better.
You may have come out too soon, and you need more time to work on yourself to prepare for life in general. It's a tough world no matter what your sexual orientation is. Young people feel like you do; because they get disappointed when they don't find a girlfriend or boyfriend the minute they start dating. It's trial and error, and a selection process. You will be rejected many times.
You won't always get what you want. You want to retaliate on people who hurt your feelings, and you'll do that by labeling them all mean and vain. You know that can't be true about all gay people, my boy. You haven't developed your competitive and interactive skills; which will allow you to be more assertive, and to make your statement and imprint on society. That comes with age, education, and proactive personal development. You will be self-improving and growing all your life. That never stops. That is, if you have a thirst and love of life, and learn to understand humanity. We're flawed and confusing. That never changes.
You won't meet many gay teenagers running all over town; because many are still dealing with coming out in the first place. They have a lot of obstacles to overcome just dealing with straight kids in school, and their parent's opinion of homosexuality. The world just doesn't easily accept our kind; due to widespread ignorance and bigotry. We exist and thrive all the same. That is because you grow stronger as you learn who you are, and accept who you are.
Most people in your age-group still live at home. They are still maturing and coming of age. They must also come to terms with their sexual orientation and understand these feelings. They have to deal with their family's reaction to their gay identity; before dealing with the world. So coming out sometimes works better; when you're already out on your own, and have already established your life and career. Or, you're in the process of developing a career and plotting a course through life.
The first thing to do is to gain some amount of independence. You must have the ability to financially support yourself; which is why education is so essential.
Scraping by on menial jobs will only add to your frustration, and limit your growth and earning-potential.
Then your self-esteem remains low, and your self-confidence is stunted by your own low opinion of yourself. Not just by others. It's much easier living openly than it used to be, but not in some towns. You will always face intolerance; but that is not limited to only gay people.
When it comes to being gay, it often seems ignorance and bigotry dominates over goodwill; because cruelty and intolerance is perpetuated and promoted over social media and preached to society. This allows a solitary individual to spread his or her evil message to many others in a short time. It works both ways. This also helps to expose who we are as people; and inadvertently, the public learns that we are no threat and that we are in their own families. The people we love and see everyday.
Hating who you are doesn't make your life better. It makes life seem ugly; only because you didn't get exactly what you want right-away. That's childish thinking. Your race and nationality may always be recognized in negative ways.
When you're proud of your heritage, the negative crap rolls off like water off a duck's back. Nothing sticks. You will develop an armor impenetrable by ignorant remarks, and belittling criticism as you mature. You still have feelings, so you will never be immune to insults. You'll just learn to survive them.
You must embrace the person that you are. Recognize your own gifts and good qualities as a person. Be proud of the young man that you are regardless of what other people think. Gay-life has it's superficial side. Gay people struggle with acceptance; so they are awkward in their approach to life and fitting into society. Many are warped in their thinking and mindset; because they think looks are all that matters. That's because a rocky start through life, may have damaged a part of their sense of self-worth. It is hard when your own family rejects you. So they think being hot and attractive adds to their value. That is true, only as far as the eyes can see. Then the personality has to back it up. You were not put on this earth just to be admired for how you look.
People don't fall in-love with how you look, they love who you are. Looks get attention, but we are all unique.
Someday you will have the experience of being chosen over much better looking people; because you have something special that stands out. Right now, your lack of self-confidence and bad attitude makes you unapproachable and harsh. So don't do that to yourself.
Good looks fade. Good character, a good spirit, and positive outlook shines on for the rest of your existence on this planet. You gain many friends, find many lovers, and eventually fall in-love when a special person comes along; who recognizes the best in you, regardless of how you look. Pessimism will steal all that hope away from you.
Then you will kill your opportunities for romance through self-fulfilling prophecy. Never believing you're loveable makes you behave in a way that makes you unlovable.
If you feel badly toward who you are; you'll be even more vulnerable and susceptible to the sting of criticism and rejection. So you must develop a thicker skin and realize people are entitled to their opinions; but their opinions do not define who you are. It isn't up to other people to tell you how you fit into society. It's up to you, where you want to be; and how you want to get there.
The most difficult thing to deal with in our society today is "time." Everybody expects immediate gratification. You expect to get a boyfriend no sooner than you came out into the gay world. You're just coming into your manhood; so you have limited exposure to begin with. You have problems with your self-esteem, so you easily let rejection beat you down.
Time will change you. You are still growing and developing, mentally and physically. You are now going through the most awkward stage of life; because we all have to face growing pains to get to maturity. It is how we harden and develop coping and survival skills. It is how we determine our potential, strengths, weaknesses, and learn to handle life and all its challenges. You'll have more challenges than a straight guy; because society has made it that way.
So you'll be told you're less than a man; because you're gay.
Only a stupid person thinks that. They haven't walked in our shoes. We are very tough and manly in ever sense of the word manhood. Being effeminate doesn't change your gender. Machismo is just as common in gay-life as straight-life. Ignorance is blinding; so knuckle-dragging homophobes are entitled to their warped and distorted opinions.
However, I have survived many years as a gay man. Happily and successfully. Unfortunately, straight parents aren't equipped to prepare gay teenagers on dating and how to face the world as a gay person. That is something you will have to learn on your own, and by listening to the advice of wiser older gay people. There are millions of us out here as you will discover.
You first, have to develop a positive attitude, have more faith in yourself, love yourself, and allow time to slowly mold you. You will adjust to who you are, and who you will become in the future. Take your "time" young man. You are only frustrated, because you're rushing things a bit. You'll see as you journey through life, that what I've said is true.
Look up local LGBT support-groups for teens and young people in your area. They offer support and counseling; and help you to adjust to the narcissism you've faced being so young.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): In your lifetime, you will cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people. 99% of them you won't be compatible with. Whether that's because they don't fancy you or you don't fancy them or its not the right moment. Whatever the reason may be, most of your acquaintances are not going to turn into friendships let alone relationships. With that in mind, I advise 2 things;
Don't be disheartened that nothing's worked out yet. Statistics would suggest that It's only a matter if time until you meet someone you click with. On the same note, live your life to the fullest everyday, don't wait until you meet him to really start living. Live, laugh, love and eventually, you will cross paths with him.
Secondly, keep an open mind as suggested already. Be loving and understanding in the same way you would like others to be with you. Give people a chance. You'll never know what hidden treasure you'll find!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Let me ask first of all the same question I always ask to the hetero guys ,who whine that they can't find a girlfriend because all women are shallow and superficial and won't pay attention to a " nice guy " who is not tall, muscular, handsome etc. etc.
What girls are we talking about , exactly ? What kind of girl are they going after ? beautiful, slim, blonde, big boobs, perfect teeth etc.?... ... What about asking out a " nice " plain Jane ? have they tried asking out someone who seems kind nice intelligent BUT is noticeably overweight, or has a bad acne, or a schnozzle like Owen Wilson... No? why not ?... At which point they generally start hemming and hawing.
So, who are these men that only want beautiful twinkies ? Have you tried dating other average Joes with so-so looks, because you value their personality , or ?...
Because, if what you mean you can't have the hot boys because they only want other hot boys,... then you go by their same meter. They only want someone who is pretty, ... and you do too.
Of course it may be that you have been unlucky, and , so far, have been ALSO rejected by a string of not very attractive average Joes with all their physical flaws and imperfections . But I 'd find it a bit strange that ALL of them would just go only for the hot young stud ; if nothing else, because they would have figured out by now that those are hard to catch, and because they already know how bad it feels being discriminated because of looks.
So, in your shoes, I'd be very honest with myself about my selection criteria.
Other than that, I do not know the gay community in depth enough to say if what you complain about is fact or exaggeration.
But, if it may be of any comfort to you, my cute white twinkie friends in acting school ALWAYS used to moan that you don't get anything if you aren't a big burly black "thug "....
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