A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts, i need some advice on what to do with this older man I have been seeing. He is 25 yrs old (8 yr age gap, I'm 17) i have met him only a few times in the month and a half i have known him and other than that mostly keeping in touch via facebook, text etc. It all started when he added me on fb, my friend knows who he is and has known him for a year, so I accepted his request. We chatted on fb messenger. Later on he posted on my wall "you have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen" i met up with him at a pub near him a day after we spoke on fb. He was with his older friend. he said he can't believe I don't finger myself or have had sex. Somehow he and the 25 yr old knew I was a virgin. this was very embarrassing for me as it was said quite loudly. The 25 yr old just smiled to his friend and said stop, but nothing more than that. Later on the 25 yr old saud sorry for what he said earlier. Our mutual friend must have told him. At the end of the night when me and my friend made our way home he text her asking for my number. About a couple of days after us texting each other he started texing me calling me his princess, his darling and his sweetheart. After our first date he text me saying sorry for not holding my hand he was to scared. He also said he's scared of how he feels because he thinks that he is falling in love with me. He has asked me quite a few times to go to his place. He says it will be to snuggle or him to cook me dinner. I don't know how to take any of this. I really like him, but it seems to be happening all to quickly. Do I keep seeing him or do I get out of this while I can. I am starting to fall very quickly for him though. I am afraid of the age gap as well, is it too much? I am 18 in a couple more weeks.Thank you for reading x
View related questions:
facebook, older man, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Good for you OP, I am proud of you! :)
We have all fallen for the charms of slimebags at one point or another, but as you get older you will begin to see the signs a little more. Keep safe x
*HUGS* Tiger x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): hi agony aunts. OP here.
Thank you all for your advice it has made me open my eyes and see sense. I've had a lucky escape.
After reading through all the replies I was able to make sense of everything that was happening.
I agree with what the aunts said about grooming. What he was saying almost seemed too perfect. he even said I was perfect, what a lie.
you'll be pleased to know that I've deleted his number and him off fb. He hasn't contacted me which goes to show, he didn't get what he wanted so moved on to his next victim.
Luckily it was over before it began, thanks to you wise, helpful people here on dear Cupid.
I especially liked what was said about the angler fish, that summed him up very well.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 He doesn't want to snuggle or hold hands at his place. At best he will be aggressive and pressure you into having sex and at worst he might hurt you. One of the other aunts used a word here that is very appropriate, grooming. He is using a classic combination of flattery (the I don't want to fall too hard comments) and humiliation (the I can't believe you're a virgin comments) to turn you to putty in his hands. Thankfully he's not great at it and is setting off your creeper senses.
He's making you uncomfortable for a reason. Your gut is telling you to RUN from this sleazy man. You don't even have to tell him you're cutting him out of your life, because he is a manipulative pig and will try very hard to talk you out of it. Block him on facebook, block his number, and refuse to answer any requests for contact. A confrontation will either end in him trying to manipulate you otherwise or worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Do NOT see, text, visit "his place" or have anything more to do with him.
He is only interested in you for sex, nothing else. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.
Tell your parents this much older man has been pursuing you. I seriously doubt whether they would approve.
GET OUT NOW!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Read Celtic Tiger's answer carefully, that's the best advice and sums it all up.
This man is scum and just wants sex and nothing else. Dont fall into the "I'm scared I'm falling in love with you" trash. Its just pure nonsense. And how dare he comment on the fact that he cant believe you dont finger yourself! YUK!!That is obnoxiously horrible and cheap and that would call for a slap across the face. I'm surprised you're still talking to him.
Dont give him him any liberties OP, learn to say NO. Dont make yourself vulnerable to him; there will be many such rogues along the way and you have to learn to fend for yourself.
You are "falling" for him because you find the attention heady. Trust the aunts here, we are a lot older than you and we know how these rotten men operate. Get out of this ASAP. No contact, you dont owe him anything. Block him on FB, no phone calls and dont get pressurized into his "requests" for love. This is a trap staring you in the face.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Celtic Tiger is correct.
Let me shorten this for you:
He is GROOMING you. Do you know what that means? He is getting you ready in order to use you, pop your cherry, and then discard you. Sorry to be so crass, but this is his end game with you. Not a relationship. Not anyone he's going to respect. Not even close.
How do I know this? Easy. This Cassanova in FRONT of someone else, exposes you by discussing you fingering yourself and your sexual status. He treated you like a piece of meat to be displayed!
Then he backed off and then turned on the fake vulnerability crap that women who aren't that intelligent actually still fall for. He's "scared"? Really? At 25, no one is scared to hold hands. His "I'm afraid of falling too hard" isn't just a cheap line, but one that doesn't work on anyone but the most gullible.
Finally, the fact that he keeps wanting to get you to his place to "snuggle" and "cook". Come on. Put that with the whole context of fingering and virginity, and given his lack of respect to display affection with you in public, and you're meat on his table.
The age gap is secondary. The fact that he's slug slime should take center stage. He sees a power imbalance with the age gap, and you know what? He's right!
Are you familiar with the Angler fish? It's a smallish fish wish huge teeth and a very special way of luring its prey. Living in the deepest part of the ocean, it attracts other fish by using a glowing worm-like structure it dangles in front of its mouth. It doesn't have to hunt, because its prey is attracted to the light and the promise of food.
Finally, hypnotized by the light and driven by hunger, the smaller fish prey gets close to the lighted appendage, and then a quick snap of the mouth, and the angler fish has its easy meal. Pure predatorial beauty.
This 25 year old guy is the angler fish. The lit appendage is his promise of love and his seduction of you. Keep on this path, and he will chew you up and spit you out.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 January 2012):
 Celtic tiger summed it up perfectly. No offense to all the aunts who have suggested you take it slow, but that is terrible advice. If you spend any more time with him and take it slow, you'll just fall in love with him. You're already falling for the "beautiful eyes', "princess" and "cuddling" bullshit. That is the most cliche BS that players pull to get into your pants.
For the sake of your heart and peace of mind, cease all contact with this man. If not, you will learn a very unpleasant lesson in choosing and dating the classic douchebag.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 January 2012):
I agree with Honeypie.
This is NOT a nice man. He is a sleaze and only after one thing. SEX.
There are a few pointers here that suggest you are in a lot of danger from this man.
1. He added you on facebook. You don't actually know who he is, his history or anything about him. Only what HE has told you.
2. You have only met him a few times and keep in touch via text/fb (both pretty anonymous methods) where are the phone calls etc?
3. The FIRST time he met you he said " I don't finger myself or have had sex" ... REALLY? Come on now, do you honestly think that is appropriate? This should be the biggest warning sign of them all.
4. "He has asked me quite a few times to go to his place. He says it will be to snuggle or him to cook me dinner"
This is his method of getting you ALONE so he can have sex with you. If you are alone, do you honestly think he would take no for an answer? I doubt it. Would you be able to fend him off? No.
5. He is scared because he is falling in love with you after your "first" (not what I would call) date..... come on sweetheart, do you really believe that? Again this is just a line, so he can make you feel special, and you will have sex with him.
I am 28, and I can honestly say that no man his age would have a healthy interest in a 17 year old girl. He only wants you for sex. He has deliberately targeted you on facebook, in order to try and have sex with you. I expect you are not the first and will not be the last. He is a sexual predator.
Run away from this man as fast as you can! Block him on facebook and delete his number.
You can do so much better than this, and you may end up regretting things for a very long time.
Be careful, stay safe and DO NOT be alone with this man.
Tiger x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2012):
 Honestly, I think he might be a little to "experienced" at 25 for a 17 year old girl.
You are still ( I know it sucks to hear) an adolescent, and he by all accounts is an adult.
If you sincerely care for him,, I hope you really take your time getting to know him and not just over the Internet and through texting, but in person. I really think he needs to slow down.
I have to say this, I'm a mother of 3 daughters, and I would tell them this, unless you two have a LOT in common outside of of the sexual attraction, then get to know him, but don't sleep with him, don't get drunk with him. TAKE your time. If he seems to be moving to fast for you tell him to put the break on, if he is a good guy he will respect that. I wouldn't be overly happy that a 25 year old is hitting on a 17 year old, honestly. I just think that at THAT age the gap is huge.. Once you hit 25+ age means a lot less.
Another concern for me, not just as a mother, but as a women is his questioning about your sexuality and masturbation in a public situation in front of his friends and the whole virgin thing makes me irk a little and not in his favor, more like he is after the "cherry" on top, aka your virginity.
Definitely take it slow and don't let him pressure you into to more then you are ready for or faster then you feel comfortable with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): Right, so this random older man asked you to the pub and then blurted out straight away about u not fingering urself. Look, can't you see, you're innocent and he wants to take ur virginity. ALl this 'we will just snuggle if u come to mine princess' is a LIE. DO Not go to his house. He just wants to get it in then he will get out. Stop talking to him! And as for the 'you have the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen ' line gosh between that and calling you 'princess' how clichee does he get?! Player (not in the sense that he's talking in other girls but in the sense he just wants to bang you , that's it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): the age gap is not a problem but dont rush things and I wouldn't go to his house just yet because you barely know him.
Go on a few dates first, get to know him without his inappropriate mate hanging around and see how you really feel about him.
Build up a trust with this man because if you are a virgin then I am sure you dont want to lose your virginity to some sleeze.
Some men see taking a girls virginity as a challenge, this might not be the mans motive but if he is prepared to date you without pushing you further and wait till your ready then he is probably genuine.
I hope he turns out to be a gentleman for you
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): No offense, this guy sounds like a creep in it for the sex alone.
You barely know him and already he has talked dirty to you, and asked you constantly to go to his house. Why can't he go to YOURS? The answer is that would mean he'd get caught out by people aren't acting like immature schoolgirls.
I have no problem with the age difference, but sometimes you need see whats right there in front of you and in this instance I don't think it will result in anything other than hurt for you, and an ego boost for him.
I could be wrong. I have been before.
Flynn 24
...............................
|
