A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Everyone keeps telling me that my boyfriend cheats on me whenever he goes back to his hometown or away from the city we live (he works away at least once a month) but they never have any proof and I don't want to believe them but there is something in the back of my mind telling me it just might be true. Even his own sister has told me that she knows he has slept with his ex girlfriend at least once during the first few weeks of our relationship. This is something I knew of because his ex girlfriend had told me about it when we went "offifcal". He denied it heavily and claimed it was just because she was jealous of our relationship. However his sister is good friends with his ex and she informed me that his ex wouldn't lie, and that in the 15+ years they had known each other she had never known her lie. I choose to believe my boyfriend and his sister actually fell out with him due to this. We later became friends and they started to speak again. This was over a year ago. Now I have friends of mine and his coworkers partners telling me he is a "manwhore" and "sleeps with anything with a pulse". They never actually give me details but they always claim it's true when they have only heard it through rumours, which I have heard as well. My boyfriend ALWAYS denies it, tells me he loves me and promises he will change his job, stop going home to see his brothers (they go to football matches together when their team plays at home) and even stop hanging around with his friends who do sleep around but it never happens. I don't want him to change his way of life but he promises things that never happen which makes me wonder if he lies too. I feel so stupid and that either I'm a fool or I'm going to lose my boyfriend because he thinks I don't trust him. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): I've been cheated on a few times. And the times I had been cheated on, I too was informed by other people. And it all turned out to be true.
Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news. Believe me these people aren't telling you this to hurt you but to help you. It sucks though when people tell you something they perceive as a fact without providing more details. These people probably DO know the details they just don't want to tell you so as not to implicate themselves and cause problems between them and your boyfriend.
The first time I was cheated on my best friend told me. She had seen my boyfriend kiss another girl at a concert while I was out of town. I believed her and dumped my boyfriend. Another time, a buddy of the guy I was dating told me the guy had cheated on me. Provided details too, whom with, where, when. I dumped him too.
But there was another guy who cheated on me, who a bunch of people who I didn't even know that well, confronted me to tell me he cheats on me. But they provided no details. Just like in your case, it was "oh he is a cheater. He cheats with whoever. You should know." And I was like "yeah, but when, where, whom with?" And they wouldn't say. So I felt more skeptical of it. It's like making a claim about anything without backing it up with some evidence. It's like saying, "oh so and so is gay." "How do you know? What did you see? What did they say?" "I don't know, I didn't see anything, he didn't say anything. I just know." See? It just makes it less credible. That's why I understand your confusion and your unwillingness to accept an allegation that is being put to you quite vaguely. In any case, I did end up dumping this guy. And in hindsight, I am sure the allegations were true.
As in your case, I am sure the allegations are true. Especially given his history. But like I said, I can relate to why you feel skeptical of it because of the lack of more information about it. And the fact that this person you trust denies it.
I don't, however, think you should sweep it under the rug. I think someone should just come right out and tell you what exactly is going on. Give you details. But while these people are warning you about him, their warnings lack integral information for you to make an informed decision about this. Therefore you should do some digging of your own and get to the bottom of this yourself.
Spy on him or follow him or something. Being in a relationship like this is not safe, should these allegations be true. It's emotionally devastating not to mention puts you at risk concerning your sexual health.
You need to get to the bottom of this.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 March 2015):
 This is a hard one, because your FRIENDS are only passing along rumors, but HIS SISTER? I'd trust her on that one.
So let's say that you knew for a fact that he cheated, what then?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 March 2015):
I agree with wiseowl. One or two people claiming he cheats, I can see being very skeptical of that.
Friends, coworkers AND family? Honey, you've got a whole village screaming warnings in your ears while you plug them up and yell "blah blah blah, can't hear you!"
At some point you need to start paying attention.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 "They" have names and reputations. If 'they are folks you trust then BELIEVE them and not your heart. What do your instincts say? Trust trustworthy folks and your instincts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): It's one thing to hear a rumor hear or there. You've got friends, neighbors, and his own sister telling you he cheats. He has a reputation!!!
Have you agreed to an open-relationship? That's what you seem to have.
You are buried in denial and too forgiving. A guy like that doesn't respect your feelings and uses your needy feelings like toilet paper. You have to listen if the claims are as widespread as you claim. You simply don't want to give him up, no matter what he does. You can't devalue yourself in that way. Your dignity, self-respect, and how he behaves when you're apart is very important. Being faithful to you is a measure of how much he truly loves you.
You choose to believe your boyfriend? No, you don't.
You're giving him permission to do whatever he pleases as long as he remains your boyfriend. I hope you insist he uses condoms!
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