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He wants to move in, I said not without marriage.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2017)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid ,I'm at a time in my life now my kids are grown and now I just want to do me.I have this one guy friend who wants a relationship with me and then hopes of marriage. Our kids are all grown and some have children of their own.He wants to move in with me but I told him only way that he moves in he must marry me I won't play house. I'm to grown for games.We are taking a day at a time but I'm not going to let him lay in my house without a plan to make me his wife.So how long should the wait be he haven't packed yet we decided to sleep on it .

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow well do you know his finances?

It might be YOU are better off NOT marrying him, but can live together (if you know what I mean).

But I do understand that YOU have certain expectations and if he doesn't agree to it, you don't see a future. Which are all fair. It's OK to have deal-breakers.

I think you need to pay attention to his actions, not just his words.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntAhh, I get it. He's pretty much living there already without the final formality of the change of address and the moving of the rest of his stuff.

I'm on your side on this one, firmly and completely. I have never had any moral objections to couples who want to move in together without marrying, but financially and legally, women put themselves in a horrifically vulnerable position when that starts happening.

The biggest problem is that people aren't just "playing house" in terms of chores, sex, and domesticity. They start doing it with their finances, getting joint phone bills, joint car payments, joint accounts, joint credit cards, and joint mortgages. Really really not smart to do any of that without the protection of creating a marital situation. Consider a couple in whom one person goes to school while the other works and supports them both. In a marriage, if the other person doesn't follow through to help increase quality of life financially after the other partner sacrificed, the courts provide recourse. In a non-marriage, the one who supported the non-worker gets screwed.

Same with the credit cards and bills. If one decides to bail out, they could declare bankruptcy and the other partner is stuck with the full bill. Financial companies don't split the debt. Both parties are jointly and severally responsible for its entirety. In a marriage, the courts can order alimony or the splitting of assets and liabilities.

As for a house or mortgage, an acrimonious split can cause holy hell for a partner who wants to sell and get their equity out of the house. The other party can block the sale, refuse to either sell or pay the other person because the courts haven't split the marital asset.

Then there's the issue of life insurance and social security. A live-in partner isn't entitled to survivor's benefits. A 401(k) doesn't roll over to the surviving NON-spouse unless there's a will drawn up, and you're lucky to have 1 in 1,000 couples who have even considered doing that, so the non-spouse is left in the cold.

In short, stand your ground on this one. You've been around the block, and you're not interested in making yourself vulnerable.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 January 2017):

CindyCares agony auntMaybe I misunderstood the question or the point of it. I don't get the " he has not packed yet "- why, where should he be going ? Since he is not living with you YET, so it's not a case of " either you marry me or I kick you out ". And as for sleeping on it, again, why ? Do you want an answer by tomorrow ? what's the rush ?

I don't think this is a time-sensitive question nor it has to have an expiry date. Unless the deal is : either marriage or nothing ? Either you marry me or we are done ?..

You stated , very clearly and sensibly , your position. For whatever reasons of yours, you do not want to live together with a man unless you are married to him.

It seems though that you do not have a problem having a relationship with him as long as you don't share the same roof ( and mind you, this is not a criticism- just a constatation ).

So, now he knows. If he wants to live with you under the same roof, he's got to propose.

Otherwise, he can stay where he is and you can keep seeing each other and enjoying your time together , without cohabitation.

He's been offered the choice, but it does not seem that there's any need for a set date or a fast decision.

If he is so adamant to come and live with you, he knows he will have to marry you. Otherwise you can carry on your relationship as usual, just each under their own roof. It seems a win - win thing to me. Either way is cool.

But, maybe there something I missed or misinterpreted ?

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