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age
36-40,
*lh123
writes:I met the girl of my dreams... or so I thought. A little background...She is a senior in college and I'm a few years older than she is with a solid career. She is beautiful, intelligent, exciting, fun... she was the perfect woman. I never thought that I girl like that would want to be with me. When we first met, she said she didn't want a relationship with anyone and she just wanted to be friends. I was fine with that and over a span of 2 months or so, we grew pretty close as friends. It got to the point where we were spending all our free time with each other. We transitioned into dating shortly after that, and she said she wanted to take things really slow. After about a month of dating, I was pretty sure that we were falling in love with each other. With her I saw marraige, a home, a family, growing old togeher etc... I told her that I loved her and I did not hear it back... Needless to say I was hurt.The day after she said she had to "talk" with me. She told me she thinks that she is falling in love with me too, but things couldnt go furhter in the realtionship without her telling me something first. Then she dropped the bomb on me. She told me that she had been working as an escort. I was devistated, i couldnt beleive what i was hearing. Looking back, it made sense.. She lived in a luxury condo that she owned, she drove a nice car, had a desinger wardrobe, purses, etc... She simply told me that her family had money... I never questioned it. She said she started to help pay a few bills when she first moved out here when she was a freshman, but the money was so good that she didnt stop. She said everything she has, including her education is from escoring. She told me thats why she only wanted to be friends. She told me she never intended on falling in love with me.. and that she wanted to tell me back when we were just friends but just couldnt do it because she was scared.. then things happend so fast... I was upset and angry... I called her the meanest and nastiest names i could think off.... She told me she was planning on stopping after she finished school but said she stopped alltogeher when she realized she was falling in love with me. I told her that i hated her and never wanted to see her again. A few months have passed now.. and i have removed her from my life.. All my friends and family asked me what happened... and i just say that it wasnt ment to be... But I miss her sooo much.... I want to call her, tell her i love her, tell her that i still want to be with her.. and i forgive her... I am sad, upset and lonely and miss her more than anything... But a part of me still gets angry.. when i think of her having sex for money... i dont know.... BLAH.. im a wreck... i dont know what to do.. maybe i dont even care if she is still doing it.. as long as she is still with me? Sooo i dunno if i should call her.. i want to be with her again i think.. but I dont know if she wants to be with me.. i said some of the meanest things that a person can say to another.... Sigh......What if we get back togeher and some one finds out about her past... sighhhh i dont know what to do. Any insight would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): Well, this thread is a month old but I've come back to this site after a hiatus, found this post, and since I once had a slightly similar experience, so I thought I'd add my two cents.I was once close to a woman who escorted (and like the OP, I met her and became close to her before I knew she escorted), and I began to see the business through her eyes. The thing you have to realize about young women who escort is that it's a lifestyle, and an addictive one at that. They view it as a job, a kind of performance. Sure, they will say all kinds of things and do all kinds of things with other men, but it's not cheating in their eyes because it is just part of the role they play. They view themselves as actresses, and once the session is over, they move on quickly.This young woman I knew loved a guy (not me) and, while she realized her escorting would make such a relationship difficult, she did not see it as cheating. Sex with other men were just part of her lifestyle; and her heart was firmly set on this other fellow.I say this not to condone her actions. In fact, I saw up close how emotionally confused and depressed her way of life made her. Her health was also compromised, as she had at least one STD. On a moral and psychological level, lying and compartmentalization became entangled in her personality.However, I bring this up in order to widen the understanding of how this young woman you speak of, OP, might think. She might not consider escorting as cheating. She might very well love you, and might have been sincere in everything she said. And she might have taken a leap of faith in your relationship to tell you about what she did on the side.Once again, I don't want to romanticize things. A relationship with an escort is not "Pretty Woman"; once she gets used to a way of living that involves telling men what they want to hear, sexuality without emotional involvement, and living a double life, these things seep into all your other relationships. She would for sure have a lot of baggage. But while all that's true, if there really was true feeling there on both parts--and as I say, it IS possible--her escorting should be a starting point of a long conversation, not an ending point.Good luck.I only say
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): Let her serve her purpose in this world as a whore, serving old geezers for money. And find a real honest woman with dignity in herself. You only live once, is this the type of thing you want to waste it on? There are too meny woman in this world to settle for that. I knew a girl that was escorting for a little less the one year, and had told me she slept with a little over 600 clients! Think about that the next time you kiss and hold her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): Misunderstanding? Whatever. Are people giving this girl more slack because she was sleeping around for money than if she was just plain old cheating. There is no justification for that. Cheating is cheating no matter the excuse. The fact that the girl was cheating as a career does not make it any less wrong than if she was just doing it for fun. (And IMO she basically was doing it for fun. She was spending half the paycheck on unnecessary luxuries.)What if the sexes were switched in the situation? What if the prostitute had given the partner an incurable STI? What she did was inexcusable, period.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2012):
 Yeah, I see your point then, DLH. I usually don't break out the "boyfriend" word unless I'm exclusive with a guy. That being said, I don't call someone a boyfriend in the first month of dating.
So, yeah, given the new information you just provided, I think she made some mistakes with you. Sex shouldn't have happened while she was with other people at the same time. She should have given you the choice of being with her after telling you that her job involved sleeping with other men. She was wrong to do that.
That was her big mistake here. Calling you boyfriend and having sex before disclosure. She should have disclosed before sex. Calling you a boyfriend does infer exclusivity, as FWB's don't usually refer to each other as such.
I understand you being mad now. However, you must understand that while your emotional outburst and calling her every name in the book, then ending contact by saying you hated her and never wanted to see her again is a Nuclear Event. This means you can't unscramble the egg. You can't go back to what you had, no matter how much you miss her.
My advice remains the same to you, although it's tempered with the understanding that her mistakes did make you mad. I apologize for being a bit hard on you earlier, because I didn't know that she was making exclusive overtures to you, and calling you "boyfriend" is leading you on.
But you shouldn't go back. You can't handle who she is. Someone who doesn't have the problem should be with her instead of you.
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reader, dlh123 +, writes (20 June 2012):
dlh123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@You Wish:
When she is calling me her boyfriend, I think i can consider that exclusive.
@Tisha
We met at the gym. She noticed me laughing while watching Big Bang Theory on the treadmill. She thought it was cute and said said she never gave the show a chance before... And things moved on from there.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2012):
 At what point did you have the 'exclusivity' talk? And how did you meet in the first place?
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reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2012):
When someone starts dating someone, often there are others being dated at the same time. Simply dating someone isn't a promise of exclusivity. Personally, I believe sex shouldn't enter the picture unless there *is* exclusivity, but the sheer number of FWB's on this site demonstrate that many people on here do not share my code of beliefs.
I also usually wait months before adding sex to a relationship. The notion of "third date sex" to me holds no sway. But again, the fact that there is the pressure on the third date shows that many do not believe the same way that I do.
She didn't cheat on him. The guy on here who got bent out of shape because she was escorting while they were dating might have a different code of ethics. Dating to some guarantees exclusivity. Some people on here believe that any dating means exclusivity, and that no way should there be dating or sleeping with people at the same time. I can respect that.
The bottom line is...she didn't let the relationship go exclusive without disclosure. That is admirable in my book. This guy wanted sex within the first month of dating. Can't blame him if men were paying several thousands of dollars for the same privilege.
Maybe, he'll evolve enough to be honored that he was the guy this smoking hot woman chose to give up a six figure career for. But, it's understandable if he didn't want to date an escort. But the verbal abuse is crap. She didn't lead him on.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 It's not illegal. That's why people can file taxes under the profession "escort." It is paid service for companionship for any amount of time. No one is going to check whether they had sex, unless there is a dispute. Reading all the posts I still think this girl is in the wrong. From those two months it went from friendship to falling in love even when she wanted to take it slow. It's simply not believable. When people are inconsistent about what they want in terms of relationships, always watch out. It's already been months and now you are missing her, but you are only missing the perfect image you had in mind. When something looks too good to be true it probably is. If you are getting back with her only because you are in a wreck that would be a big mistake. It would be easier to get over your pain than to forgive her.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (19 June 2012):
This is what I would tell you - unless you are 100% positive beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt that you can completely accept and be comfortable with her past, my advice to you is to move on and never look back.For me, I know myself well enough to realize I would never ever be able to be serious about a hooker. It would never leave my consciousness. Some guys may be different, but not this one.To those below who think that he has no right to consider her past - I call total BS. For starters, what she is doing is not only immoral but illegal. What if we turn the tables and the man you are dating tells he "used to be" a child molester? Would you think you have the right to know that information? Would you think differently about him? Or, is that not fair because you are not "his lord and master?" People who do things like that typically have some serious moral shortcommings, ones that will persist, and IMO this guy has every right to know about it, and every right to judge if thats ok for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Ummmm....
Did any of you actually fully read the whole thing? Any one read his follow up? Gosh, some of you are hard on the guy. SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH OTHER MEN WHILE THEY WERE DATING! He had every right to go off on her like he did.
To the OP. Love is a tricky thing.... But bottom line, if you think you can deal with the past... I say go for it, love is never an easy thing. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): I have heard some ridiculous unfair reactions from the aunts on Dearcupid in the past but this thread has to be some kind of new low.
If a woman being a hooker behind her BF's back does not justify an angry name-calling outburst from him, then could someone please explain to me what would?
The O.P. had an outburst because she deserved to get an outburst!! The woman was being a HOOKER BEHIND HIS BACK WHILE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE EXCLUSIVELY DATING! How much clearer can a betrayal get?
I am flabbergasted. Just flabbergasted. I may need to stop reading this site for my own sanity, the tone of people here is just too idiotic sometimes. A girl hooks behind her BF's back and all anyone can do is say he was immature for getting angry about it.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2012):
That's just it. She was clear she didn't want to have a relationship, and that she was just wanting to be friends. She was not cheating because there wasn't yet an established relationship.
I'm guessing that if she was good enough to pay for her education, expensive apartments, cars, and a very upscale lifestyle, she was smoking hot. I'm guessing you wanted to sleep with her before exclusivity was established.
I didn't miss that she was escorting when they met and were talking. She didn't lead him on. She told him she wanted to be just friends. We've seen many FWB's on here.
She didn't lead the guy on. In fact, when feelings started playing a factor, she disclosed to him. Maybe she should have before they had sex for the first time. That's the only thing I think could have been done differently. However, I'm guessing that if she was pushing him away at the beginning, he wanted to stop at nothing to be with her.
She didn't cheat on him. She was clear about not wanting a serious relationship. When it was clear that this was where it was headed and not a FWB, she did the right thing.
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reader, GRIFF TANNEN +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Ok DHL we get your point. But seriously, the girl, like most people in the world, has a job. Like it or not, it’s her income and her own right also. The point is, she was already an escort BEFORE she met you. Did you really expect her to quit her job at the drop of a hat the moment you guys started getting closer?? She has bills to pay and a certain life style to maintain and you expect her to dump all that just to suit you, for somebody who is only a potential partner for her? I could understand your childish tantrum if you guys were dating for a number of years and then she suddenly started a new job as an escort, then you could talk about cheating, betrayal and all that crap, but this is obviously not the case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Look this is not a relationship that's going to work you're still angry and messed up over it and she deserves more than for you to pop up in her life again with all this anger and craziness doesn't she?
Leave her be OP, she doesn't deserve to have the carrot of love dangled in front of her face again, although I'd say she wants nothing to do with you.
I personally would not have anything to do with her even if she wasn't being paid for sex then I really have no time for women who are sleeping with others as well as me even when we're not exclusive.
The fact she was an escort would not bother me, it's irrelevant because to me it's the same as being promiscuous except she's actually getting some financial benefit out of it too. I'll never understand how in this world of feminists trying to fight for women's right to sleep around that women who get paid for it are somehow still viewed as vile or dirty. If slut shaming is so bad then why is whore shaming still acceptable.
Look you're a wreck because you were a prick to her and something tells me she's not a woman who deserved that kind of treatment regardless of what she did because you know in your heart she was just trying to protect herself from being hurt and really didn't expect to fall in love. While your reaction was understandable in a sense it's going to eat away at you because it was the wrong thing to do.
It's been a few months but you're still way too emotional about this whole thing to be in contact with her again, plus it would be incredibly unfair of you to throw a spanner in the works of her life when she may be finally getting over what happened.
Saying all that I think you need some form of closure. You left it in a horrible way and it's not going to stop eating you up.
So send her an email apologizing. Don't mention love, don't get all soppy, don't make this hard for her and don't give her false hope because no matter how much your heart would love to tell you you can, you can't get over the escort thing so don't even imply that it's possible.
get closure, tell her you're sorry that she deserves better than how you treated her and that you wish her happiness in the future.
Then just let it go.
I must really stress this to you OP, do not use her as some kind of experiment to try and figure out whether you can get over it. She doesn't deserve to be used like that only for you to realize in a few months it's not something you can handle. Read your post again OP, does it look like you can handle it? No, and nothing is going to change that.
Get closure and just leave it at that.
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reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I could have a relationship with someone who used to be a hooker but it seems like lying for her to be playing hard to get with you while bonking other guys. if she'd given up when or before she met you maybe ok. But I don't know, its just a job. I don't think I would like my wife to be bonking other guys while I was out at work even if she was getting paid for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): She sounds like a street smart woman. So she must have envisaged a time when she would meet someone serious about her. And had a plan for dealing with questions about her occupation and material wealth. That plan was to lie about things.
To lead you on for months by pretending her family were wealthy was wrong of her. Waiting until you were falling in love with her, before revealing the truth to you was also wrong and unkind of her. She was not being honest with you, not for months.
And it is those months that count because that is when you were falling for her, forming your opinions about her and imagining a future together. All of that was built on her deceit. It was wrong of her not to be up front and tell you about hooking while you were just friends and not sleeping together. If she had done that, you might have handled it better with less emotions involved. OR you might have walked. Either way, you werent given the chance to decide things with a clear head because she waited until you had started a relationship and you were hooked on her, before being `honest` and explaining she is a hooker.
I had a similar thing done to me by someone withholding important information until they knew I loved them. It really does leave you in a dilemma and feeling that you have been manipulated, so I know how you feel.
In my opinion. You are better off leaving her alone now and trying to put this episode behind you. Because you will never fully trust her now you know she is capable of subterfuge and selling her body. She is not suffering on the streets, hooking for basic food and shelter. She is hooking for a flash pad and nice clothes. Many girls complete an education without resorting to sleeping with strangers for money.
Bottom line. If you have a major problem with her for lying to you and selling her body for cash, you can not change these facts. These facts are rocks that could break you. So best try not to dwell on her, try to move on and meet someone who is honest from the get go and doesnt leave you feeling bad about everything, but happy and secure instead. That is the type of relationship you should be aiming for. The more you compromise on happiness and security the unhappier you will end up. Run mate x
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reader, dlh123 +, writes (19 June 2012):
dlh123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess i didnt make myself clear....ONE person got it....
She was still escorting while we were dating... she said she stopped when she realized she was falling in love with me. I asked her when her last time was and her answer... TWO weeks ago. We had already been having sex at that point... Needless to say I had to make a trip to the clinc to get tested... While some of the things i said was harsh.. She was getting paid to have sex while she was with me, being intimate with me....
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reader, GRIFF TANNEN +, writes (19 June 2012):
Yeah you could call her but I'd be more worried about if she would even answer. Sound's like it's too late if you ask me.
Women like that have got 1000s of guys on the waiting list who couldn't give a flying fcuk about what she does for a living.
As AuntyEm was suggesting, she was being honest with you and you responded with immaturity.
Chances are pal that she's moved on and you're just history!
You should have appreciated her while you had the chance because I'm telling you, there are millions of guys out there who wouldn't make an issue out of it like you did.
Sorry to say this but I think you screwed that one mate.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2012):
I'm with Auntie Susie on this one. It's okay to feel that your life isn't compatible with a woman who worked as an escort. That's within your rights, and many guys would shy away from someone who has that in their past. Right or wrong, that is understandable.
However, calling her every nasty name in the book? She didn't do anything to *you* except be honest. She wanted to be just friends, and you pursued her in full force. She disclosed so that she wouldn't be cheating on you. You were wanting the full-on exclusivity, and she didn't want to short-change you.
You should forget you met her. You told her you hated her, called her nasty degrading names, and deliberately hurt her. Truthfully, you are no good for her. She needs a guy a bit more evolved than you. One who is more compatible and is okay with her past vocation. She needs someone who doesn't have to "forgive her" in order to be with her, and that's not you.
Leave her alone. You've done enough devastating emotional damage for one day. Someday, you'll have to learn that there is a big difference between being furious, feeling betrayed and actually unloading verbal abuse in an attempt to hurt her in every way that you can.
You know...it's funny. Guys who partake in the sex industry by watching porn are usually the first to degrade the "suppliers" of it. I'm not talking about not wanting to date someone in the industry. I'm talking about spewing nasty vitriol in public while jerking off in private.
Bottom line, no more contact. No more judgment. The only, and I mean *only* think you should ever say to her if you see her is "I'm sorry" with no strings attached. If you can't keep from judging her, then you should stay away and let her live her life. She needs someone more compatible and much kinder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Leave her be. It must have taken a lot of courage for her to open up and tell you the truth and she obviously only did so because she cared for you very much and thought she could trust you. Now, I can understand someone being shocked at this and needing time out to think about it - that's only human. A mature response would have been to say you needed time to work this out in your head, as it's not an everyday sort of occurence.You didn't do that. For some unfathomable reason you treated her appallingly and called her all sorts of names. She will no doubt have been absolutely devastated and will probably find it harder to trust a decent guy when one comes along whom she wishes to have a relationship with.Do not attempt to communicate with her. Let her find someone worthy of her trust and love. It's not you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012):
I don't know if anyone else has noticed something:
The woman was still escorting, secretly, DURING THEIR RELATIONSHIP!
She only quit when she decided she was falling in love with the O.P. That is CHEATING, people! It most certainly DOES mean she needs to be forgiven if their relationship is going to continue!
I guess some of the Aunts here are so preoccupied with calling guys immature for their negative feelings about promiscuity that they don't always notice the relevant details of each story.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I think you should leave her be. You arn't able to handle the truth of this girls past and I think it will always be an issue for you.
A more mature guy would be able to sort the past from the person and not bombard her with vile insults when she is being honest.
Let her go so she can find someone better than you, it's what she deserves.
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reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (19 June 2012):
 If you are the one that said 'the meanest things a person can say', shouldn't you be asking for her forgiveness? And, it isn't a case of you forgiving her for being an escort, it is more about you being accepting of her past. She hasn't done anything to you, except tell be honest with you. This is a huge issue for you to deal with, and if you are thinking about a future with this girl, can you truly, truly see yourself coping, if and when the past crops up? If you accept her and her past, that means not throwing it up in her face every time you have a dispute. Can you be that big of a person? You have a lot of thinking, and soul searching to do, before you make any decisions. Good luck.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 OP I'm going to be harsh, but who are you to "forgive" her for her choices? You are not her lord and master and neither is she your slave to forgive!! It was her choice-good, bad or ugly, it was HER decision and you cant and shouldn't make her feel bad about that. No one's asked you to like what she's been doing, SHE hasn't ask you to like her job and neither has she cheated on you or lied to you, so why on earth are you being judgmental and thinking of forgiving her??! That's not for you to comment upon.
At least give her credit for being honest with you, it must have been really difficult for her to own up and admit that that's what her life is about. She could have hidden it all from you and you would never have known.
Look OP, I know its shocking to hear something like this but escorts are human too and you don't know what her circumstances in life were, for her to have started doing this. It all depends on you now. If you think there's too much baggage and too much for you to handle then just leave her alone because you will just make the situation worse. If, on the other hand you think you can talk about it and try to make things work and if she's ready to give it all up completely and lead a life with you, then you can go for it and not let the past bother you.
Sure it will creep up time and again, people might recognize her and you have to be ready to deal with the fact that eventually even your family might get to know about this because a secret never lies hidden for too long. Little birdies on window sills never stop chirping, if you know what I mean. Can you deal with that?
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