A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am going through such an emotional roller coaster right now, I am desperate for unbiased advise.My boyfriend and I have been together for going on 6 years. We long distance dating at the beginning but after about 6months I moved to be with him in Texas, Im from Canada. I was 29 at the time and was looking for something serious. The first move i had to quit my job, i stayed for 3months just as a visitor, we then decided to apply for a fiancé visa and I moved back to Canada during the process. I had to find another job in the interim. After 7months I moved back because our visa was taking too long. I was helping my bf out running a small business but had no legal status In the us, other then being a visitor. I stayed for almost 2 years. During all of this time he promised me engagement which he never seemed to follow through with. After the 2 years and many conversations I couldn't stay without status anymore and told him that I needed to move back to get my life in order ie career, health insurance etc. I was hoping he would propose but he never did. He was opening a new business at the time. We broke up and both dated other people. I got another job at home and tried to move on. After 6 months I missed him so much I thought I would call him to see if he wanted to reconcile. He claimed he felt the same and we got back together. I quit another job and moved back again. The last time I lived there was for about a year. Our circumstances still didn't change and no proposal. I left again, November this past year. I have now got another great job that I worked very hard to get. I am happy but I miss him terribly. We still talk everyday and we haven't let go. He wants me to move back but I refuse without a commitment. I have been back and fourth, 4 times quit so many jobs. He says he will marry me but doesn't have money for an engagement ring. My concern is that he has never put me first. He has had money in the past and chose to spend his money on everything else but me. He keeps saying that I am putting too much empahasis on a material object. I have never been married and feel I deserve a proper engagement prior to marriage. He promises me that he will make it happen but doesnt have the $ now and we can get married at the courthouse to make things legit for the time being. He has money for the casino, his jaguar, gym membership, trips but not me. I know he doesn't have $ but it's the lack of effort to make this happen. I don't expect a $5000 ring! Just something of thought an significance. Do you think I should marry someone that cannot make the effort to buy me a ring considering our long history. I feel I if there is a will there is a way and for once he should put my needs first. I dont want to quit my Career again and risk the chance of another dissapoitment. I am now going to be almost 35 and am so Sad that I have wasted all if this time waiting for himTo come through. I want a family and marriage and just cannot seem to shake my love for him. What should I do?
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broke up, got back together, long distance, money, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I appreciate all of the feedback :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): Or llifton he may just be coming up with BS excuses. Nothing to do with money. If he really wanted to marry this girl he would move heaven and earth to do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I feel if a man really loves you, he would want to make you happy. If that means a ring on your finger so you know how much he cares and is committed to the relationship, he would do it.
It has been six years and you seem to be the one giving up good jobs and moving for him. You gave him more than enough chances. If he was the right man, he wouldn't of left you go. Find a man who puts you first.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 The ring is the least of your problems.
You have made sacrifice after sacrifice for this guy and he does NOTHING to repay you in kind.
At your age 6 years is more than enough time to know what you want and make that commitment. If he has not insisted on marrying you yet, what makes you think he will follow through with it now? what's changed?
Does he do things for you that inconvenience him?
BTW who initiates the daily contact? what happens if you stop rowing the relationship boat with him?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 July 2013):
I can see here that it is not so much about the ring or wedding but rather the lack of priorities. If I were to get married I would put things in place to make it happen. While I do not know this man I want to assume that, because of the way he is speaking to you, he has not put things in place that will indicate official commitment, wedding, ring, family and things of that nature. Whether or not you actually deserve the ring isn't my call, I don't really want to judge the relationship...but I suppose that is besides the point :)
I feel what is happening is that he is simply being spoilt. He may genuinely want to marry you, but by the time you reach there the necessity of marriage pretty much goes out the window---you have to live with him, and somewhat depend on him...by then, what is the point of being married? He would probably just focus his attention elsewhere like his hobbies or business, wherever it is more needed. This doesn't happen to all couples in similar circumstances but most women sure do make it a priority issue when living together with their man.
What is more blowing my mind is the fact that you went back and forth so many times and you still love him. No one is really forcing you to talk to him after the breakups and it seems like your aren't learning anything from the ordeals. Maybe you can't shake your love for him, you can always try to find new love elsewhere.
If I were you I would make him come to where you live and arrange a wedding, and you can share maybe some of the expenses. If money is a problem now, then there is no point in going to him because it will still be a problem and by his words, there is no say when it will be stable. Sorry but if I really loved someone I would have sold all that expensive crap and have given you the signs of commitment you deserved. Just my own opinions there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2013):
 Yes, you are worth a ring.
As he's not come through when you have made the big sacrifice of moving, and that has been over several years, I think it's now on you to decide if you are happy enough with what he is able to provide.
To me, after 2 years of sacrifice on your part and being promised an engagement and not being the happy recipient of a proposal, I would have moved on.
I would stop pinning hopes on him and acknowledge that if you want a family, you will have to do a better job selecting a mate than you have done thus far.
You can continue to have loving feelings for him but that does not make him a good candidate as a life partner.
There are plenty of articles and websites on how to get over your ex.
I would make him an ex ASAP and get on with the business of meeting a more suitable man!
Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (3 July 2013):
You have made many sacrifices to be with him. You have never said that he has quit his job and moved to another country to be with you. I think you have answered your own question. You are not that important to him. Your selfless ways and his selfish ways is not working. You have to make a decision. Is he more important than your needs? Really only you can answer that. Are you going to be happy once again to move to his country with no security of a career and a RING? Once again, only you can answer that. You really have been doing this for 6 years. I think you really need to sit down and make a commitment to your health (mental and physical) and your needs. If it were me, I would delete all contact with him. You can not move on with consistent calls and contact with him. I would be going cold turkey. But your not me.Good luck Friend. I wish you the best in your decision.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 July 2013):
 I, myself, wouldn't care much about the ring. Yes it would be nice and thoughtful .. but the main thing I would be worried about, ring completely aside, is whether or not he will marry you. You say he says he will go to the courthouse and make it official. That way, you are no longer moving there and giving up your whole life to inevitably return home empty-handed and single after your visitation time is up. The marriage for legal status is what is most important. Not the ring. But that's just me. I've never been a materialistic person myself.
Clearly in the past, he may have had the money, but obviously lacked the desire to get married because if he wanted to marry you then, well, he would have. But he didn't. Had he been ready then, I have no doubt he probably would have bought you a ring. But since he's ready now, and doesn't have the money at the moment, he can't. Perhaps he can get you a ring later.
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