A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi long story now but here goes. I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and I had to have an CRPC to remove what was left. After that I came home. Me and bf were both very upset about it but he has also been quite insensitive at times, i.e. on the evening I got back from hospital he wanted to go to a gig with two friends that had been arranged months ago but in the end he changed his mind as I was freaking out and everyone was telling him that he should be at home with me.Then I started to drink again to cope with the miscarriage and he hates me drinking as I become irrational and do stupid things. We had a fight and he left for 5 days to go to his parents. He came back on Saturday and he had a Xmas works do to go to. He went but came back at 8am stinking of drink and fags (he doesn’t usually smoke). I text him around 5am and asked what was going on and he said he was at a friends and for me to ‘leave him be.’ He was drunk. The next day we had a long discussion and I asked if he had been unfaithful and he said no and to be honest I cant get it out of my head that he may have been. He has photos of being at this friends house, they are just of guys. We made love the next day twice and he tells me he doesn’t fancy any of the girls at work and he would not be unfaithful to me. One of his mates (who want there that night) has slept with two of the girls at work even though he has a gf and I get so insecure around this as he is one of my bf’s friends. I tell my bf that I think this guy is disgusting but my bf tells me ‘it’s none of my business.’ This same guy rang up on the next day and asked how the night went and I was sat next to my bf trying to listen to what the guy was saying as he was asking about the two girls. Then my bf left the room to talk to him! this made me freak out and we had a massive argument about this as I started to think that mu bf had left the room as something had happened between him and one of these girls but he said he left the room as he could tell I was listening. I am so massively insecure and the only possible ‘proof’ I have that my bf has been unfaithful is that he came home at 8am. Maybe I am just struggling emotionally with the miscarriage; I am still getting positive pregnancy tests even though I had the op 3 weeks ago and the baby died weeks before that. I’m not coping too well. The good news is that I have been referred for counselling and also stopped drinking heavily. I think maybe he just couldn’t cope with my way of dealing with the miscarriage – basically I couldn’t stop crying and started to drink and smoke again. He couldn’t understand why I am still crying 3 weeks later as he did all his crying in the first 3 days. Maybe this is normal for men. Also, him going out and getting drunk til 8am with his pals maybe he needed that too.Any advice? Do you think we should have couple counselling?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 First off I am really sorry that you lost your child, and it will take you a long time to get over an ordeal as big as this. Naturally you turned to drink and smoking to block out the pain and try and forget it, that is completely normal. But I am glad that you have stopped that now and you are seeking help. It is a very hard thing for a couple to go through mentally, and even though it effects both partners, it is you that carried that child, and you that has your hormone levels all mixed up so off course you are going to be affected.
As for him, well I guess he was upset and he just did not know how to handle his own feelings on top of trying to be there for you as well. I guess he just needed to get away from the emotion that was in the house and hang out with his friends. I understand why you would be paranoid, because his friend cheats on his girlfriend, but you cannot compare him to this man, just because they are friends does not mean he is doing the same to you. Have you ever had cause to think he has cheated on you in the past, or is this just after he spent the night at his friends? If you usually trust him and this is not behaviour he usually shows well then I honestly think he was just trying to escape from this situation and he went away with his friends and got drunk. his way of dealing with the loss of the baby.
As for him leaving the room when he was on the phone, am sure he just felt uncomfortable knowing that you where sitting there listening in to 'boy talk'. I wouldn't read in to this and assume that he is cheating. However your emotions and hormones are going to be all over the place right now and it probably is going to make you feel paranoid and insecure. All completely normal.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you have been feeling. If you feel that couples therapy would benefit the both of you then talk to him and tell him about it. If he wants to save the relationship then he will be willing. He has not been there for you emotionally the way that he should have been, but my guess is that he just doesn't know how to handle the situation. I really hope it works out for the both of you, and again I am deeply sorry for your loss.
A
female
reader, crazylady  +, writes (5 December 2011):
So I'm confused, did he Actully cheat or didn't he? If he did and you guys are going threw this tough period then leave him! If he realy loves you, he would have supported you and kept you company, a baby is a serious thing, and hurts emotionally, men no women are more sensitive any ways... Now if he didn't cheat and he was out all night then yes, it could just maybe be he didn't no how to handle things and he needed some space. So don't worry too much
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