A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long and I apologize in advance for that. My ex girlfriend is getting married to a guy she's been with for two years now. She was my first love and although I've had other girlfriends after her, I still can't stop thinking about her. I've been invited to the wedding (which occurs mid-August) and I've had the invitation for a month now and I have yet to respond. I'm not sure how I'll feel about the love of my life marrying another man.A little background information so you know where I'm coming from: We started dating when we were both 16 (we were high school sweet hearts, obviously). The relationship lasted three years and during my freshman year of college (she decided to join the work force straight away to save for nursing school), we just... grew apart. It was heart-breaking, really. Neither of us cheated on the other or lied or made promises we couldn't keep. We just grew apart.After our seemingly mutual break-up, she started college for herself and was a sophomore when I graduated from the same college. (I did the three year plan.) She got into the MSN program almost immediately and now she's a full-fledged Pediatric Nurse. Exactly what she's always wanted to be. I'm quite proud of her.Two years after we broke up, she started dating again and I'm not gonna lie... it kinda hurt. I know it had been two years but we were still best friends and I had always been her go-to guy. And, somewhere deep in the depths of my heart, I wanted her back... so badly. But it's a feeling I have since learned to bottle up.That relationship lasted only about six months and he was cheating on her. I was the one she came crying to. Her next boyfriend didn't last much longer but I had a girlfriend by that time and she didn't like that my first love still hung out around a lot. I quickly became single again. I had one other girlfriend that lasted a year but she knew I had a thing for my first ex and she didn't want to deal with that. So she cheated on me THEN broke up with me. Nice girl, eh?Anyway, my first love's next boyfriend (who is now her soon-to-be-husband) is actually a pretty chill guy... which makes me hate him even more. And that's where this becomes difficult. I feel like I should tell her how I feel but I know it'll just fuck shit up. I want her to be happy more than anything in the world but I want to be the one to make her happy! The guy she's with is respectful of her and wants the same thing with her that I do but he doesn't KNOW her like I do. I've been paying attention to her details since we were 13 years old! It's now been 14 years and I'm getting desperate.She still shares everything with me, tells me she loves me and cares about me and goes out with me for drinks and dinner sometimes, and somehow, her fiance is always cool with that. I'm pretty sure he knows I still have more than a thing for her but he trusts her to make the right decision everytime she and I hang out. Honestly, it's maddening. I know it's totally selfish and despicable of me to think this but I kind of want her to ruin her relationship somehow by getting with me. God, what do I do! What would YOU do in this situation?I know she can't be manipulating me because our break-up was, at first, mutual, and she's just not like that. We're both adults here. My parents love her, her parents love me, we both want marriage and kids right away, it all works except that she has a ring on her finger that will soon become permanent. WHAT DO I DO!?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 July 2011):
You do not get to choose who your ex marries, or how she behaves, but you get to choose how you feel and behave. The object is not to try to "get the girl", or destroy her good relationship. The object is to speak your truth, let her know how you feel, and support her whatever she chooses.
In my mind, it is very important to be true to yourself. When we express our truth in the world, and say what we really think and feel to people, that is when we are living our lives correctly because our outward actions match our inner view of ourselves.
In this way, it would be good for you to tell your ex everything that you feel. It is good for you to say how you feel now, because you may not get another opportunity in your future to tell her in a way that is this meaningful. Telling her also honours the close relationship you have had for the last 14 years. It is also good that she know because it is something that she may be wondering about, how you really feel about it, and you speaking your true feelings will probably help bring her true feelings into focus. When you tell her, it makes her really think about how she feels.
Most likely, she will probably realise how much she loves you, and has always loved you as a good friend and person who she is deeply connected with, and someone very important in her life, and she will probably realise at the same time that her decision to marry her fiance is the right one, in my opinion. There is of course the possibility that she will dump him and get back together with you, but that is less likely. If this were the case, the relationship would probably not have lasted with him to this extent, but you never know. At least, you will never know if you don't speak your truth.
Sometimes the loving action is to stand up for yourself, to fight for yourself and how you feel, and what you believe in and want. Sometimes, the loving action is letting go of something you want, of supporting a loved one in a choice that does not involve you but that is right for them. These two statements are actually misleading, the loving action is actually the same no matter what side you approach it from, you will always want to stand up for yourself, be true to yourself, and support others in what they want even if that means letting them go, if that is what they want. Some people are good at fighting for themselves but not good at learning how to let go, and supporting others. Other people are better at supporting others, but don't know how to fight for themselves or stand up for themselves.
You sound like you aren't ready to face the possible prospect of letting her go, but ironically, this will be easier to do if you see her make her decision knowing how you really feel. You also fear being true to yourself and telling your ex how you feel because it might ruin everything between you. As long as you tell her what you want but let her know that you will support her in whatever she wants, as you have always done, your relationship and contact with her will be ok. It is ok for you to tell her fiance all of this too, if he know you love her but support her and are willing to let him know, he will know he can trust you in the end, even if it takes him time to get there.
So stand up for yourself, tell her how you feel, and then support her in whatever decision she makes. You don't always get what you want, but as long as you get to be true to yourself, you can deal with whatever happens after that. Lastly, it seems likely to me that she has already made her choice. However, if she is not acknowledging her deep feelings for you and it turns out she does love you, you will need to confront the reasons why your relationship failed the first time round, why you grew apart in the first place, and chose not to fight for it. This is something worth thinking about whether you end up back together with her or not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): I say go for it. She's not yet married so you're not really breaking up the marriage. Tell her what you're feeling, tell her everything. Worst case scenario is that she'll reject you. Which is obviously more likely. But at least you wont have to go through life thinking about what could have been. Yes you wasted your chance in all these years, but you still have one last chance. Go for it. Keep in mind though, your friendship will pretty much be over if you do tell her and she rejects you, but its about time you choose. Friends for life and nothing more and pretending to be fine with it or taking the leap. Its your choice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 Hi, I'm the second anon poster who said she might come back later on to add more. I was at work, so didn't log in on my account earlier.
Anyway... your last question was what would I do? I can picture your situation with ease, as it is one of my worst nightmares. I also have a person who is dear to me, I've been having that person in my heart for years, but we could never be together. I've also been an expert at bottling up my emotions, knowing for years that I couldn't be with that person (got rejected too at one point, so I had it confirmed). I too moved on to others, at one point I was even engaged to another man. At the time of being in love with someone else, and in a relationship, it was easier to "forget" about him. However as soon as I got single I would have to watch my steps around him, as to not fall in love.
He fell in love with someone else, and thankfully for me, unluckily for him, she wasn't interested and already had another boyfriend. I was still jealous of her, without even knowing her. The best thing was just to AVOID him.
You haven't been watching your heart, you're still in love. I found that it helped to not look into his eyes, and face away from him. So talking over the phone or by text, or driving together, or sitting next to each other at a restaurant helped, because then I wouldn't face him. We'd also mostly talk about shallow things that weren't important or needed deep emotional contact. The friendship was kept "light and fluffy", added with a mix of avoidance.
I am lucky, or maybe unfortunate, he's never had a girlfriend (apart from me, we did have a short attempt at a relationship once, didn't work out). I know that if he got a girlfriend I'd get sick with envy, just like you.
So what would I do? I'd avoid him. I think the pain would be too much to carry. As for the hypothetical wedding... I might go. Because otherwise it'd roll around in my mind for years, and even if I didn't go it wouldn't stop the wedding from happening, and it wouldn't be possible to avoid seeing wedding pictures. Especially if you intend to keep her as a friend.. you'd get the pictures and details of the wedding up in your face at one point or the other.
Ok so here's what I'd hypothetically do if I was you: Go to the ceremony at church, and see how it feels. If it's too painful, at least you tried. And you can then walk home afterwards. Keep a back-up plan ready, like a good friend who knows the ordeal you are going through and who can take you out to do something if it gets too painful. If you manage through the ceremony, attend as much as the wedding as you feel is comfortable or bearable. Leave at any point when it gets too hard. Don't force yourself to stay.
If I was you I'd also be honest, with no hidden agenda, and tell the one I love how I feel about them. I's say "You are getting married, and I thank you for the invitation to your wedding. I am happy you consider me a good enough friend to want me there. However, you must understand one thing. I love you, I always have. Seeing you marry someone else is hard for me. I wish you to be happy, and if he can make you happy then I am happy for you. But it still is painful, and difficult for me. Therefor, if you have changed your mind about me attending the wedding I will understand and keep away. But if you want me to come, I will be there. Just understand that I might not be able to stay for the entire wedding. I just wanted you to know, incase I leave early, the reason why."
Then make no attempt at splitting them up. The ship has sailed my friend. You need to move on, and the last resort is to avoid her. See the wedding through if you will, but after that avoid her for a good while. Go abroad for example, where it will be physically impossible for you to meet her face to face, and keep contact only per e-mail. As deep in this as you are.. unfortunately I think you'll need at least a year to recover.
Hopefully in this time of staying away from her you will meet some new people who will spark your interest in life and love again, with someone else.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (13 July 2011):
 I know its hard but you have to let her go. She's found someone to be with and even though it's not you, the fact that she's happy should make you happy and not want to ruin it. You both will always be friends so don't put your friendship on the line by telling her how you feel a month before she's married. You'll find someone else. Just be willing to let her go because her heart has done the same to you. If I were you I would go to her wedding. Its going to hurt but she's been there with you for 14 years so I think she would appreciate it if you give that one day to her. It will take time but you'll feel the same way about someone else. Hope I helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): You have two options:
1. Tell her how you feel. Write a note, letter, email, or say it in person. Then, depending on her answer, decide whether to go to the wedding. What I mean is if she says something like "we can always be friends" than go, but if its like "I'm getting married for Christs sake!!!!" than maybe not. And you'll just have to go from there.
2. Don't tell her, go to the wedding, and find another girl.
If it helps, If this was a movie, I'd be on your side. Good luck and tell us what happens!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Obviously you will feel hurt by going to the wedding and seeing her blissfully promising her entire life and soul to another man forever until they die. It's going to be painful. So that goes without saying. What you should ask yoruself instead is: will you regret not going?
The fiance doesn't know her like you do, ok, but you don't know her like he does. You've not been her boyfriend, he has.
Sorry this is a short answer, maybe I will have time later on to say more. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Hello there, this is a situation were u have to be in control of yourself and not let jealousy instincts affect you. You may not really love this woman but u just think u lost a great person, which cant be replaced. You had all those years to get her back. And if shes smart and wise like u said she wont marry a person she is not in love with. So leave it at that and let her be happy or else you might cause a stir or situation that will result in losing her as your friend as well. Im sure that sooner or later you will find someone to fill the gap. Take care
Hiba
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