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Starting to doubt the positives

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 April 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2017)
A female New Zealand age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear all,

I am very confused about everything that's happening and just need to vent really. At the same time, i would like you guys to pitch in and give me your views on the situation. Thanks in advance and sorry for the long essay below!

Short background: Met a guy one year older than me (gonna call him X henceforth) online in October 2016, he continued pursuing me through messages even though I didn't respond much at that time. I was in a relationship then that ended in November that year (got cheated on). Sometime in January this year, X sent me a few more messages on facebook. I finally responded and we got texting. Every day! He was refreshing and exactly like me in so many ways. A month later (Feb), we met for the first time. A few dates and another month later (March), X told me he had fallen hard in love with me and wanted me to be a part of the rest of his life! He told me how lucky he was to have met me and have me in his life. He never officially asked me to be his girlfriend, but we were somehow a couple since that day. In the course of this time, I had developed deep feelings for him too. He complimented me in so many ways, it felt almost tailor-made to be with him! I told him I loved him too!

After that amazing day, we met twice. The first was a three day hike trip with his closest colleagues! The second time, we went out on a double date with his childhood best friend and the guy's girlfriend. He's admitted to them too that we've been dating for a month now. It's been wonderful that he's introduced me to his closest friends and it made me feel even more sure about us as a couple!

In spite of all that's happened in the last few months and the way he makes me feel, I feel like we're growing distant and I don't know what to think or do! It's probably because of who we both are as people. We both are shy individuals. However, he is a little more shy than I am. He prefers texting to talking over video calls / phone and thus we're always just texting unless I call him. If he happens to be busy and miss my call, instead of calling back, he sends a text asking why I called. I can't only blame him. I tend to hold back a lot when I text. I feel like i'd scare people away if i was too vocal. So through text, i prefer sticking to the basic conversation so as to not be to pushy! I think this is backfiring with X.

Also, both of us are extremely busy! When we're both at work, we exchange just a few texts during the day but he always texts me when he's back home. I've started looking forward to 11pm more than ever!! He's often asked if i ever did mind spending my life with a busy person like he is. We've discussed these things time and again because his ex (who he dated for 8 years) left him because she thought he didn't give her any time.

Last week when we last met, X suddenly mentioned an official trip that he was taking this week. He had mentioned this plan but never told me the dates. He however thought he had mentioned the dates and was talking about it like I was aware already that he wasn't going to be in town this week.

Before he left, we did our weekly sexting and video call scene. Since he left for that official trip on Tuesday this week, we've barely sent any texts or spoken! Since it was a two day work thing and four days of a roadtrip with his colleagues, I wanted him to go and have a good time. I didn't text him as much either. But what hurt was that he didn't text or call even after he said he would. He did try Facetiming once but his room mate walked in and he had to cut short and just slept shortly after. Last night, we last spoke in the morning and even though he was online all evening on multiple platforms, he didn't send me a single message. He was even online on a Penpal site where we'd first met!! He hasn't gone online on that website in awhile! I feel like I don't even know what he's upto or how he's doing! I had to learn from a common friend of ours (who's bf is also on that worktrip) about their whereabouts. It was super awkward, that conversation with her because I had no clue where my guy was! I felt like i'd be bothering him if i sent him any messages and so I refrained, only to feel more terrible about what was happening.

I feel so immature for feeling this way. I'm honestly just missing him. But sometimes I feel like he's slowly losing interest in us. I know we're a couple and in a relationship, but I still feel so lonely and distant from him! He doesn't seem excited to text me anymore like we used to till about a few weeks ago! Its usually me asking the questions, and him responding with a few words or just to the point. Sometimes I don't know what to say to continue the conversation and feel lame! I feel like calling him so many times but refrain from doing so because it feels like he's not comfortable with that as yet. Sometime he reads my text and won't respond for hours! I seriously don't know why I'm feeling this way and what I'm supposed to do. Isn't this supposed to be the honeymoon period? Or am I expecting too much from him when he's straight away told me in the beginning that he's not like the other guys with too much to offer in a relationship?

I know this isn't a well written post and I'm happy to expand on any parts that aren't clear enough or if any more clarification is needed. Any type of advice is welcome! Thanks!

View related questions: at work, best friend, facebook, his ex, immature, period, roommate, shy, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

He is not a keeper. His last girlfriend is right, he is too busy. The first red flag is that he came on so strong so fast. Ot was way too soon to say you eant to spend your life with someone. You should know them YEARS before saying that ( or at the least a single year) That shows me that he is immature and impetuous. His fire burns hot , but then like a little boy he is on to thw next thing. He is always looking for the newest excitement, and a lot of that seems to come from his work. I really think you sjould break up.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you saw that he was on the penpal website then you must have been on it as well. It doesn't sound like much is happening in this relationship. It appears he doesn't have much to give, and you like many more girls want more. I know personally this would not be enough for me, and if you are both so distant now, what will it be like in 6 months time? Honestly I don't see you both having much off a future. He lacks interest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

Well your new paramour has driven you to writing a well written post to us who dont know you personally!

So from an outsiders perspective I think that X is playing at keeping you hanging on a string to see if he can ratchet you up to fever pitch.

While this makes him feel like 'the man' with a woman hanging on waiting for permission to live, it doesnt do much for you!

So I can understand the confusion and also why the ex ditched him.

Profound compliments are meaningless if he cant be assed to text you!

But how you play it is up to you.

Its still early days and if you find him endearing then its up to you.

But personally I am not feeling much empathy or respect from him.

It feels more like he is just slotting you into his life rather than acknowledging your feelings and sharing a sense of commitment.

You dont have to do anything at all but tell him that his lack of involvement in you is leaving you cold and he or you could get more warmth from the fridge!

He may see that its not working for you and improve his act or he may just carry on as he is.

Respect yourself and dont be too accomodating to him and remember to keep family and other friends close by in your life!

Im not impressed by childhood friend and girlfriend.

Any one could play that part but to you I see it meant trust and reliability!

What you are showing us is the complete opposite!

He sounds cavalier, more interested in himself than you and being shy is not an excuse for ignoring you.

Reassess exactly how well you know him and why he thinks he has a right to dangle you on a string having gone overboard about how much you meant to him when you had very little contact.

My opinion is my own on this!

I am not drawn to him as you tell it and I am partly thinking it maybe a rebound fling for both of you!

I'd be a lot happier to hear from you that everything he did for you made you feel wonderful and things only got better.

It may suit you but I think a daily text at 11pm is rather clinical and not particularly what you would expect from a new date.

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