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Am I over the top about his using porn?

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 April 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've recently discovered that my boyfriend has been watching porn. I only found out the other day as I thought I heard an orgasm coming from the bathroom but then it stopped as I got to the top of the stairs. I went downstairs again and heard a noise again, so tried to creep back up stairs and then I heard more orgasms. I felt sick. Our sex life isn't as active as it used to be but he's always said porn is for people who don't enjoy sex with their partner. In my eyes it's kind of like he's cheating. I don't like the thought of him watching other girls have sex and getting off over it. It makes me feel like I'm no good. It's been about 2 weeks since we last had sex.

I also think he's been messaging other girls. He keeps hiding his phone and taking it everywhere with him and when I ask if I can use his phone for something he refuses. This makes me think he's hiding something from me. I don't want to go on his phone but how else am I going to find out? It's making me feel sick and it's constantly on my mind.

Do you think I'm acting over the top about the whole porn situation? I just don't know what to do or how to approach the situation.

I'd like some advice on this please as I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you

View related questions: orgasm, porn, sex life

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

No, I dont think you are being over the top with your disgust with porn in a relationship. Many people feel the way you and I do-that it is a form of cheating, while others feel that it is just fine. You need to find someone who agrees with your values/morals, or who takes them into consideration. Why is he hiding his phone? Perhaps because he has been watching the porn on that and doesnt want you to see. It may not have to do with messaging another girl.

Now I will say that while I object to porn, it IS something that many men struggle with from time to time. So it is certainly not an uncommon problem. But he has to be willing to give it up if you truly want this to work.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

It is a fact that some men (and women) become addicted to porn and lose their ability and desire to have great meaningful sex with their partner. It sounds as if this may be the case with your boyfriend. It's time to have a talk with him. Tell him your sexual needs are not being met. Ask him to be honest with you about his porn viewing. Ask him why he is so against you using his phone. Tell him you are losing your trust in him. Hear his side of the story too, but most importantly make this discussion an honest and forthcoming one on both sides. Then you can make a decision as to whether or not you two want to stay together. It may be that it's time for you to move on.

Hope this helps and good luck to you.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWant to know something, most young guys watch porn. That is the reality. Relationship or not everyone is entitled to do what they want with their own body. You sneaking up on him was wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy, in a relationship included. You say your sex life is not as active, have you any reasons for that? From your side? From his? Or have you both just settled in to a routine? Honestly this is nothing like cheating, he was masturbating doesn't even come close to being cheated on. You say you don't like the thought off him watching other girls, but have you ever told him this? Have you ever told him it is off limits to watch porn if he is with you? Because if you haven't then you cannot blame him for doing anything wrong. You need to talk to him and explain to him that you don't find it acceptable in your relationship.

If he keeps hiding his phone then yes it really is not a good sign. Yeah he could be talking to other girls, or he could be checking things out on line. Again it is his phone and his privacy. But if you don't trust him then I don't think you should be in a relationship with him. Again you need to be able to talk to him about your doubts and concerns, do you both communicate well? You need to start telling him how you feel.

It doesn't matter if we think you reacted over the top or not, your feelings belong to you and you need to deal with them in your relationship. Don't bottle them up. It should not be difficult to sit down with your other half and tell him your dislike for porn and your worries about him hiding his phone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

You make orgasms sound like balloons on strings that float about untethered in the bathroom.

Or thats what your boyfriend wants you to believe.

I expect you've got no grudge with orgasms per se but I sense a vast feeling of betrayal!

Imagine if you cooked a fabulous meal for two and ate the lot while he was listening outside the door!

But meals are fattening and orgasms are not!

So as your partner has become selfish I think you should keep your eyes wide open and think of ways to a happier life that includes your wishes.

You could tell him the soap does wonders for you and stage a few screaming orgasms in the bathroom so that he overhears and then tell him it meant nothing, it was just a little satisfaction and you were just catching orgasm balloons in the bathroom!

Rather like catching measles!

Really you could have a little fun with this but if you feel he has been resentful, neglectful and orgasm hungry behind your back then you need to find new ways to deal with him!

If these are inbuilt character flaws you could abandon ship!

If its just a spare orgasm here and there because he has lost his mojo, you could find yours and flaunt it a bit.

A pushup bra and panties are enough to make some paranoic guys think you are shagging the postman!

A poster of a fantastic musclebound stud in the bathroom would restore the balance and when he watches sports some loud comments about those gorgeous gluts and abs will get his competitive juices flowing!

He may feel sexually insecure and frustrated but possibly he also knows exactly how to rile you!

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