A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I've been pretty confused about something lately and just can't seem to get my mind off of it. I'm really having a hard time figuring out why my son who is 22 y/o is dating this older woman who's 33 and has 2 kids (twins). I feel like he's wasting his youth and wonder why he is going this route. I'll admit I did sneak and find her facebook page and what I saw shocked me, things on her wall like "family time tonight with my boyfriend and kids" among others. She also has a whole section of pictures of them together with things wrote on like "soulmates", "true love", "made for each other" and other people on there call them "the happy couple". How can I make him come to his senses, I really don't like what she's doing here.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Hon, your son is an adult and must now make his way in life. If he makes mistakes he must learn by them. I understand that this woman is not the woman you would like him to be with, but she is HIS choice.I have a son older than yours, and it is hard to let go and let him make his own choices. Stop checking up on them and let them live their lives. I am sure that as he matures he will find other partners, and honestly, unless he is financially stable he is NOT YET a good catch for a husband! This lady is probably enjoying the attentions of a younger man [she's a cougar!!] and I am sure this relationship will not last.Just be patient and let him live his own life... as hard as it is to let go!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2011):
 WOW.... just WOWwhat if she was his age with two little ones would you still feel this way.it IRKS me no end that her AGE is pivitol to your complaint.BTW maybe she is responsible enough to not WANT to get pregnant. At 29 I was divorcing my first husband with two small children both of which were planned and wanted.I NEVER got pregnant when I didn't want to. Either you don't trust this woman for whatever your reasons are or you dont' trust your son. Don't know about you but my sons are 27 and 24 and both were raised to know HOW NOT TO GET A GIRL PREGNANT... even if she WANTS to be without his consent...And maybe just MAYBE a woman of 33 with two small children who LOVES your son is what's BEST for him. Who are you to make that choice for HIM?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): I guess maybe some of my comments about her make me sound a bit caddy. I just want whats best for my son and don't want him to make a big mistake...like her getting pregnant.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Your son is an adult and he can do as he pleases. This relationship you disapprove of is perfectly acceptable for many other people. I'm afraid you won't be told otherwise.
That said, trust me on this one, since I am a man, will you? He won't leave her no matter how you nag. She might even be bad for him, but he is just NOT leaving her only because mum said so.
You can dislike the relationship, et cetera, but you can do nothing about it. And I think it's right that you can't.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2011):
I'm confused. your ADULT child is in love with an adult single woman and you are not happy because she is 11 years older than he is?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 April 2011):
 With all due respect, your son is an adult and is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. Even if these decisions aren't the wisest.
You can't control who your son dates, it doesn't change when he gets older. I suppose what puts you off by this woman is her age being closer to yours and the fact that she has baggage. Who knows she may truly love your son and they could make it as a couple. Maybe not because of their huge age gap, and being at different points in their life.
If he didn't listen to you about his girlfriends you didn't like when he was a teen, then he's not going to listen as a grown man. All you can do is offer your 50 cents on the situation and wait for this potential phase to be over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): I graduated from college and graduate school early, played sports, and even took six months to travel the world.
But I could not get along with girls my own age. The average 22 years old hasn't been out of the US, hasn't worked since 13, hasn't done many things I've done. I found myself gravitating toward women older than myself.
Ended up marrying a woman 8 years older. Mentally, we are about at the same level--works out great for 23 years now.
P.S. Parents went through the same spiel. Parents are now divorced. We are still here.
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A
female
reader, Full moon temptress1  +, writes (11 April 2011):
Is your son happy with this woman?Has she done anything wrong to upset you or your son?Have you actually met her?
I feel you may be a little controlling of this situation.Your son is 22,an adult.I think you should try and accept this relationship,because the more you go against it,the more likely he will want to be with her.If others are thinking they are a happy couple,maybe they are!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Hi there
OK ... I think you need to stand back and think very carefully about what you want for your son. I guess you want him to be happy, loved, fulfilled, with his own family, and with children at some point. It sounds like he is in a loving relationship. That the woman is older than him and already has twins shouldn't perhaps be quite such a problem, so long as they are happy and he is happy with her. And she is only 33 - she could easily have more children with your son. I'm not sure in what way you think he is wasting his life with her. It sounds like he is having a meaningful, rich, loving kind of family life with her and her children.
I have tried to think of how I would feel if my son were in this situation. I think I would feel a bit threatened by this older, experienced mother with children - yes, I would. I would feel protective of my son. I would think that 11 years was a big gap. I wouldn't necessarily like the whole thing that much, I agree. But I think I would tell myself that if he was happy, and if she was a good person/nice/caring/etc, then I should just get over my own feelings.
I understand how you feel, but I don't think it sounds like he is wasting time - it just sounds like he is in love with an older woman. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, you know. I think that is better than him being alone, or not having the relationship he wants.
I guess what I am saying is I understand your natural distrust of the woman, and protectiveness towards your son, but the relationship doesn't sound like it is a bad thing in itself. Maybe you should let it run its course, be as positive and decent as you can, and see where it goes. Many very successful and happy relationships involve some age gap. Maybe this will be one of them?
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A
female
reader, based51  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Why? Your son is an adult and can do as he pleases. If this relationship is not right it will unravel of its own accord and they will break up. As of now they are happy together and you shouldn't interfere and confuse him and jeopardize his happiness. If you tell him you disapprove and put a lot of pressure on him to break up with her (his friends are maybe doing that too, you know), and that influences his decision to keep seeing her, he will blame you for the relationship's demise. Do you want that? Do you want your child to think you ruined his chance at love?? 22 is still quite an impressionable age, especially in relationships as this is probably only his first serious one or second. Your boy will be very confused and not know what to do when the time comes that he and his gf have a disagreement. If you press him to leave her during these times you will have more influence over him than you would were he 33. He is a young man, as you have demonstrated this will not be the easiest of arrangements for him. You should support him.
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