A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A lot of my peers (most of them,actually) have grown up with social media. I was always late with it, getting myspace and facebook years after my friends had theirs. I have lost touch after high school with many people cause I'm not very active online (instagram, facebook, etc). Recently, with everyone graduating/getting engaged/reuniting, I have started to feel extremely left out. They update the world on social media about everything amazing happening in their lives. I don't really go snooping on peoples' profiles but when I log into facebook, all I see are graduations/weddings and engagements, things I haven't gone through yet. It all makes me a little jealous and makes me feel bad about myself. It's discouraging because it makes me compare myself to others. I, for instance, am graduating in another year (I'll be in school for 5 years instead of 4), while a lot of the people I knew are graduating as we speak. That kind of stuff just puts a damper on my mood. But I know I had a good reason, I switched majors and have to take extra classes. Since being in college, I have developed other friends and have a long term boyfriend and I KNOW that I have things going for me but the fact that I'm so ...detached from social media is making me question whether or not I should participate more? I only ever change my profile picture and maybe chat with friends. But EVERYONE is online, posting pictures of their every move, statuses of everything they do, etc... But given the chance, I wouldn't really change anything, I'm content with myself. I guess I'm asking how to get over it? Should I just delete facebook? It almost feels like all of these people I have as friends are always in amazing moods with amazing husbands/wives or girlfriends/kids, etc and they never feel sadness or have bad luck like I do...
View related questions:
engaged, facebook, jealous, myspace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): The next good thing I see from social media, specifically Facebook or Twitter, will be the first.
Proceed accordingly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Why does EVEYTHING have to be shared and validated and bigged up on an online profile- in reality it doesn't- or shouldn't! It's designed for people to share whatever they WANT, I.e. Pictures of them looking happy, photoshopped, not a picture of them crying in a corner after a break up... Which is reality- Social media is a pseudo world, more like "The sims, like honeypie said, than many of us realise. I have a close friend, she's beautiful, the most funniest, intelligent person I've ever met, who is OBSESSED with Facebook- to the point where she will spend over half the day, on it, COMPARING herself to other people... The amount of times she's rung me up or iv gone round to settle her down, when she's had a complex- all because of something triggered by what she saw on FB.... Go out and buy a huge box of cream cakes for YOURSELF...screw what anyone thinks... It's healthier than spending half an hour on Facebook.There's also a book by Ben Elton, "Blind faith"that makes you crease at what a phoney invasive image- obsessed society we live in these days, it really makes light of the rubbish we all buy into and take so seriously- when in actual fact what IS tangible and special in life is unconditional love we have from our parents, friends, the way we love others, how we treat people, ourselves and heal from the pain life brings us. Just to add to all the other incredible advice, and btw I'm not a hypocrite lol, I've also not had FB for over two years... considering how it worsened things when I was already in a terrible place- the LAST thing you want. It's the antichrist of good mental health lol! NO regrets... We all Wish you well :) x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 May 2014):
 I agree with Cindy.
When I first read your post I was thinking:" Good Grief! Does this girl not realize that MOST of what's posted on FB is SEMI fantasy?
My oldest niece is a deadbeat mom (her dad, my BIL) has her kids, she has no job, cheated on her fiance (who also knocked her up) and has "fictitious" cancer (yea, she diagnosed herself on WebMD) YET if you read her Facebook you would think she has a GREAT life, is a GREAT mom, the "perfect GF... etc.
She is just one example of HOW warped Facebook pages can be. People DO NOT post too much negative crap. Everything is quotes, re-postings, not a single original thought.
Take a step back and LOOK at your life. Set some goal and LIVE life. Don't buy into the whole "SIMS world" that is Social media.
Having 2,000 friends on FB means zilch. Because if you needed help (and I'm not talking people posting a thumbs up) but ACTUAL help, how many would jump in? Maybe 1-2?
Come on. Come back to reality. BE happy for those who graduate. Be HAPPY that YOU only have one more year left. A good friend of mine went back to uni 3 years ago. He's got another 3 years before he is done. And he is ECSTATIC to be getting another degree.
I'm so glad I grew up pre-social media. I'm adamant that my kids aren't on FB/Tumblr much ( teens and pre-teens) because I want them to find THEIR passions and who THEY are, not look to everyone else for validation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 OP I'm not very active on Facebook either. I have a lot going on in my life but I never want my life to be a giant electronic billboard. I'm done with my PhD this year, I'm going to visit a new country, I'm going on holidays but I don't feel the need to publish all that online because I'm just a very private person and if there's a million things going on, I'll just maybe put up a couple of pics to speak about it and that's it.
I too have noticed that most people put up the smallest thing on facebook. They're in a bar or in TGI Fridays, its on Facebook, they're in a mall, its on Facebook. they're "feeling blessed", its on facebook. The dog ate a cookie, its on fucking facebook.
My point is that, some people just like to display everything in their lives on social media for a validation from the world. More often than not, these were the people who you never even spoke to in school or who're the kind of person whom no one expected much from. And they know that in their heart of hearts, no matter what they try to show. So for them, facebook is the perfect platform to show the world that they've "arrived".
OP it makes me smile to myself when I see people having to announce how happy they are with their partner or how lucky they are to have them in their lives. My parents have been married for more than 30 years and have never lived a day without each other yet they never make public declarations of love or togetherness. However, a married couple who're friends with my parents and have a troubled marriage, (the man is cheating, the wife knows it yet refuses to leave for whatever reasons she has)...anyway, so these people try to show the world how happy they are together whenever there's a social gathering or a party or something. The wife keeps saying, "oh my husband loves me so much, he just doesn't leave me even for a second" and everyone knows the husband cant keep it in his pants for longer than 5 minutes. People around them know its the insecurity talking and everyone just smiles and nods out of sympathy.
That's what I'm saying OP. If you ever have to justify how happy you are, then you're not. Its as simple as that. You only just see the smiley, happy-happy, glossy pictures on Facebook but in no way do you know what's happening in the lives of those people beyond the "wall", literally and metaphorically! People who need to display each and every aspect of their lives on social media need a validation. The good news if that you DON'T need that because you're happy with what you have and you don't feel the need to display your life in front of the world to feel good about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I understand how you feel, a while back I questioned my own role in society and my own achievements. Cindy Cares uses a great line - 'It means you can be happy regardless of external " prizes "' Life is about being your own person, not competing with others.
In my past I was happy and largely content but felt my friends were off constantly celebrating, while I had little in the way of big things to celebrate. I was always the jealous one at a friends big wedding. Little me would get upset when my friends bought a lovely house that I couldn't afford and I saw the messages and photos on FaceBook. I felt the rest of my "world" was partying, celebrating and having the time of there lives and that I wasn't really invited. It was always about them, not me. I was an outsider looking in. A guest at the party of life but not the host.
Now, with the passage of time, I see that so much of that was phoney. Behind the glitter and glam was just the same insecurities as my own. By the time I was getting my first proper boyfriend my friends were getting hitched or announcing there new baby! Go how behind the times did I feel? But, ironically, they now tell me how lucky I am not to have "got married too young to a useless fool" or turn to me for advice about child support (part of my job). Its sad for them but it does put my insecurities I once had into perspective.
Although social media is used by people of all ages, I found me and my friends use it far less now we are older than we did a few years ago. Maybe as we took on responsibilities and more issues and stresses we found it harder to "wear the mask" of all being exciting and amazing in our lives? Perhaps we just wanted more privacy as we moved away from our more competitive life stage? It could be that we all realized that we had better thing to do than update our friends, most of which we never even saw, of every aspect of our lives.
I used to use Friends Reunited ages ago and got in touch with some of my school friends and class mates. Are they all really running there own business, driving an Audi and enjoying there dream job? Really? They must also all share the same wife as they all claim to be married to the "Most amazing woman in the world!"
WiseOWlE used a great expression "Out of site/out of mind". That sums it all up. People reveal what they want to reveal, cherry picking the good bits and omitting the bad things.
Is in not ironic that tools designed to bring people together and keep friendships close can have the opposite effect. If I was to ask most of my social media friends to help me move house, run me up the hospital in an emergency or lend me a few quid they would be noticed by their absence.
Both Mark1979 and WiseOwlE pretty much sum up my feeling toward facebook. Some of the folks I know are using social media sites when driving, at work in the toilet every five minutes and probably from the minute they get up and throughout the night. They take it so personally if someone else had more friends than they do or if someone else gets more comments about a photograph. So many folk on here worry about Porn addiction, well I think FaceBook addiction is worse! On a smart phone while driving, fingers frantically typing on a bus, under the desk at work, middle of the night...that's the kind of behaviour that stops people engaging with others in real life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 May 2014):
 If this is how social media make you feel, you should join in less, not more ! Not that you don't have a rather warped perception of things anyway , which you should consciously work on , but, knowing that you have a weakness, while you go about fixing it, make it easier for you , don't indulge purposedly in things that make you more vulnerable and miserable.
How do you work on it, if it 's a big problem that damages the quality of your life, counseling might be in order, as for all dysfunctional thought processes. But, I think , before that , just common sense helps. For instance : of course everybody seems more successful and accomplished than you, that's what these media are for, to showcase your successes and accomplishments. Do you really think that everybody is always happy, always winning, always having blissful relationship ?.. No, it 's just that when shit happens, they don't post it on FB. Everybody has some fly in their ointment, debts, worries, arguments, break ups, troubles, hemorroids maybe:)- only, just the staunchest and most acritica Facebookers report that too, out of a sort of compulsion, 97 % does quite a bit of editing.
It's a bit like here on DC, on reverse. Based on DC, there's no hope for love and marriage, everything is just betrayal, fights, loneliness, drama. How come then, that you just have to look around and see zillions of regular peaceful happy couples? simple, because they don't have anything to say .They are too busy enjoying their happiness and normality to think posting about it.
The same applies to social media, at the opposite end of the spectrum. You only post about what's going your way.
But they HAVE things going their way which I don't, you'll say. Maybe, but do not exaggerate now. Come on, these people are graduating now... and you will be graduating next year ??!! . Oh my. The horror. That must be really terrible, that , because of perfectly valid reasons of yours, you CHOSE to graduate a whole twelvemonths later !!
Come on, OP, if you've got it that bad, you need to get a grip, FB or no FB . You sound very eterodirected - meaning that you value yourself and question the soundness of your choices, according to what other people MIGHT think about it. While a little bit of this is inevitable, both socially and biologically, - make sure you do not go overboard. You need to start setting your own values , your own " must do and must be to be happy ", those that work for YOU, not the general public. And believe in them.
If you find that you can be happy, or reasonably happy, even wihout those exterior milestones that other people NEED to feel they are happy ( degrees, engagements, fancy weddings, etc. ) that would be actually a plus and a strength. It means you can be happy regardless of external " prizes ", and, while this does not want to be an encouragement for you to become a slacker or a drifter ,... that's a nice place to be at in life, do not strive to change it because of social media.
I want to add that the way lots of people now use social media, the way they think what happens to them is of general interest, really baffles me ( and no, it's not my age- I have relatives in their 80s who are rabid facebookers ). It's just that I always thought that maybe I was a bit of a self centered , conceited type ( if I have to admit to one little fault :)... but I found out which maybe I am quite humble instead. For instance, Saturday I was in a place where they make 25 different types of margaritas, which is a fun gimmick- but I'd never ever think that anybody could possibly care if I had the Strawberry one, or the Peach or Almond etc. The girls at the next table were selfieing like crazy, and taking pics of each drink...with the intent , I suppose, to let ALL those whom they even remotely know what Margarita they ordered. ( Who could possibly care , not even their moms ?, I think ).
This kind of things makes me maliciously think that maybe people are divided in two groups- those who live their life, .. and those who are so busy documenting their life, that they forget to live it...
...............................
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 In my opinion, deleting your Facebook is a great idea. I did it a few months ago, because I was experiencing the same feelings as you. I don't regret it. My husband has even remarked how I seem happier since then. And apparently, feeling this way is not uncommon:
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/09/the-real-reason-facebook-makes-us-unhappy.html
http://healthland.time.com/2013/01/24/why-facebook-makes-you-feel-bad-about-yourself/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-personal-renaissance/201309/is-facebook-making-you-depressed
I read these shortly before deleting my Facebook. I found them very interesting, and quite true.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I would discourage you from taking the approach suggested by Mark 1978 - almost gloating in other people's misery.
My two cents is for you to simply spend less time on social media. It is, as WiseOwl said, image crafting and it only shows the embellished truth. Don't believe everything you see, and recognise that everyone has both happy and miserable moments. But if you find that you can't handle the image crafting, just don't log in. Or better still, you can unsubscribe from the people you don't care about, or the people that you feel are the worst offenders in terms of boasting. Unsubscribe from them and retain the close network of people that it does please you to hear about.
I go on facebook all the time, but I have no idea what happens in half my friends' lives because I unsubscribed from them. They're good contacts to have but we're not close enough for me to care about what they're up to. Instead, I subscribe to newspapers, tv series, comic pages etc. So that everytime I open my newsfeed I get a string of newspaper articles and videos of cute kittens and puppies from these pages that I've 'liked'. It makes me feel good because I've decided what I care about and I've tailored my facebook as such.
You should try the same OP. Use social network to add value to your life in the way that makes sense to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): If you are content and happy, and have something going for yourself.
Isn't that what life is really about? Not just what you tell the public? The fact is, you were too busy "having a life," to tell everybody else about it. So you may have lost touch, but you can always catch up.
Social media is a tool. You can't walk around always carrying a tool box, but you just keep one handy for when you need it.
If there is someone you're missing and need to followup on where they are; or what they're doing. It's at your finger-tips. Otherwise; out of sight, out of mind. People like to post their every move, their achievements, weddings, and anniversaries. They need attention.
These are often more for their family and intimate circle of friends. It is often boasting to let their high school chums know they have a life. As if anyone really cares.
They're too busy updating the public on their personal-lives. Mostly showing off. Sometimes it's all for the benefit of the public; often, they aren't as happy as they want the world to believe. They lose something important.
How to interact face to face, without putting a screen between them; and someone special to them. They're lives are open to the public.
Then when they want to go private, everybody knows what they're trying to hide. They notice when that fabulous boyfriend is missing. When friends disappear, or suddenly they don't take such fabulous vacations. Then nosy folks want to know, what's up? if what you publish isn't consistent, it raises questions. Personal questions you just may not want to answer.
Then people complain about privacy????
If you have made your own happiness. You have found love.
If you connect with your family. If you cherish your small blessings. You have a life, and you're not missing anything by not publishing it for people who really don't care anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 HiFirstly I will address the situation regarding others happy occasions then I will respond to your social networking issue...Your aged 22-25. Your at an age of celebration: maybe not you personally but certainly your friends, brothers, sisters, cousin, etc. Im 36 and never married, don't have kids, didn't gain a degree nor have I flown the nest. Most of my friends when I was your age were getting married, starting a family, graduating, buying there first home, starting there dream job....all the things I wasn't doing :-( There was no facebook and what have you then, but I got fed up of everyone telling me exciting, amazing news...BUT by the time I got to 30 odd, those same friends were getting divorced, having problems with there tearaway kids, loosing there jobs, getting in debt, caring for sick parents, struggling to make ends meet and realising their degrees hadn't got them the careers they wanted. Give it a few years and you will come to realize that half your friends were only getting married, buying a house or starting a family for the wrong reasons, were way too young or because they wanted the attention of it. My mom always says the couples she knew when younger who had simple, cheap wedding are still together 40 years on, but the couples who made a song and dance of their big, expensive weddings were soon divorced. So your friends are graduating? Great, best of luck to them but You will most likely find that many of them will really struggle to get decent jobs in the current market. I know you are due to graduate but you sound level headed and mature. Im sure many of your friends will have a big shock when they go out into "real life". Your friends are getting engaged or married? I'm guessing you are closer to your early twenties than mid? Well when you get to my age early twenties seems way too young for that kind of commitment. I don't use social media at all. Never. I don't have a huge circle of friend admittedly, and could have more so called friends if I engaged in social networking, BUT I still have good, REAL friends! Friends in the REAL WORLD. One real life, genuine, flesh and blood friend is worth a million virtual friends on social media! A friend I went to school with (we left twenty years ago), and also worked with a few years ago, uses Facebook. He has had friend requests on FB from people from our school, people who worked with us briefly several years back and so forth. He often asks me if I remember so and so and also says they have asked if im on FB as they want to add me.These people barely know him or me!!! These are people who want to add as many people they can possibly think of so they can make themselves feel less insecure about someone having 396 so called friends and they only having 327. When I hear people at work running out crying because so and so has "unfriended" them I want to tell them to grow up!Most of what people put up on social media is a load of nonsense anyway...! My friend has contacts on FB who went to school with us who claim to be living in a big posh houses with there own business. Not knowing I know where they live and see them stacking shelves in my local stores. Personally, and im sure your the same OP, I don't feel the need to tell the world every bowel movement, every sneeze and what I had for dinner. Each to there own but I really don't want some kid I barely remember form school befriending me on social networking sites to big himself up and just want me as an extra friend statistic to make himself feel better. Your friends may appear to have perfect, happy lives full of excitement but most of that is superficial. Within the social networking world there is a lot of insecurity, peer pressure, nastiness and people desperate for attention. A lot of it stems from the celebrity obsession. An awful lot of young people now seem desperate to be a "celeb" and social media sites are often used by people who delude themselves that their 1258 so called friends cant wait to find out how many slices of toast they had for breakfast. Facebook and other sites are not real life. They are a platform for people to be whatever they want to be. If I was on facebook would I tell someone I went to school with that im unemployed, live with my parents have my last GF left me? Of course not. I would probably tell them how amazing my life is right now! Especially if they also wrote how incredible there own life was supposed to be. By all means use social media sites BUT ask yourself "would this person be my friend in the real world, or just to bump up there friend count?" Take peoples claims with a generous pinch of salt and consentrate on making your life a good one, instead of believing everyone else's claims. Don't feel under pressure to compete. Get engaged when you are ready, not because you want to be like your mates (as a lot of your friends probably will).Mark :-)
...............................
|
