A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I have started dating again after a small break and here I am stumbling again on my biggest problem: creating an emotional connection. Emotional connection is necessary in order to escalate things. Yet, I am unable to push things further.Don't get me wrong, I can perfectly hold a conversation, but I cannot spark any attraction from it. There is something missing, even I feel it. The conversation is going nowhere, flirting seems inappropriate as it does not match the mood, and they get bored.What happens is that I usually screw up dates 2 or 3 and girls don't want to see me again. My problem is that I am not sure what to discuss anymore, it seems like I have exhausted all possible topics after the first date. Maybe it's a bad sign and it means we don't so much in common in the end, dunno...I think I need to get out of my comfort zone and get more personal on my next dates. One problem I have noticed in my social interactions in general is that I don't get too close to people. Sure, I am friendly and fun, we laugh and we can also discuss about religion or politics, etc. but I rarely talk about personal stuff (relationships, personal issues and/or ambitions). So, I only know them superficially in the end. I am also quite secretive about myself and my projects (used to be bullied around in school and uni, so I don't open myself too much).This often relegates me to the level of simple acquaintance and not that of a friend. This is mostly due to my upbringing and I feel that everyone needs some personal space and that I should pry too much in their private lives. If they want to talk about it, they will. But my experience has showed that people love to talk about themselves and their anxieties in life. For example, a female friend started telling me it's about time to have babies and she was worried about it. This was out of the blue and I started feeling uncomfortable in the beginning, but went along anyway. It was a fun and interesting discussion in the end.So, I will have to overcome this mental obstacle in my head. Contrary to what other guys do, I didn't talk too much about relationships with girls I have dated in the past (I never expressed how I feel about relationships and I never asked about their views either). I just realized this is a HUGE mistake, but for some reason I cannot open up immediately to people I have just met. I just need more time. For sure, if I had gotten personal, girls would have felt more implicated and there would have been some connection.I sometimes see other guys "at work" and the girl is all over them after a couple of hours (and she is not necessarily slutty). I still can't figure out what they do...Then again, some friends told me that my dates failed because I was not too much into these girls. According to them, if I really dug them, I would have put more effort. For instance, if I really like a girl, I have this irrepressible urge to kiss her on her cheek or wherever. I didn't have such a feeling with these other girls but they were cute and decent nevertheless, so I went on some dates anyway.What do you guys think? What do you talk about with women? How do you build attraction during a date? How can I make the conversation more emotional?Thanks in advance for any advice.Cheers
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ambition, bullied, flirt, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
You can only have so much small talk. Maybe you need to do things that don't center around "topical conversation", that way you won't feel the fear of running out of topics.
Do something together that creates new conversation, like a hike, a play, people watch, etc. I've been married for 7 years and have yet to run out of things to talk about with my wife because we're experiencing things together, and new experiences are something worth talking about.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 May 2014):
Dear OP,
I suppose your friends are right. You can't "create" a spark that's not there. I used to make that very same mistake: I wanted to have a boyfriend, so I dated about 30 guys so far where I could have told from the first minute I would never want to sleep with them. Of course I had nice dates, but the emotional connection? Yes, it was all friendly and funny, but it was stale. I didn't want to connect physically, so something kept me from connecting on another level, too. Sorry if that sounds superficial. But I believe real love consists of a bit of sexual attraction and if that's not there, you won't give everything of yourself. That's just how it is.
Of course, there IS this kind of love and attraction that grows over time. It starts as friendship and gets deeper and deeper, until you also get physically curious. But unfortunately there is less time now in your adulthood to approach love that way. Unless you meet someone at a hobby or workplace. You're in a new country, so it's also harder to meet women through friends and approach them as a friend first.
So my advice is: Only date women that you really want to have sex with (at some point). That's about the same advice wiseowle gave you - don't just date for the sake of dating. You will see that it will all get less boring and predictable. You don't have to have sex right away, but the nervousness and horniness will keep you motivated to pick the right places for dating, ask more questions and reveal more of yourself. It might hurt and make you vulnerable to expose yourself to really attractive people, but that's the really interesting game. Don't play in the shallow end of the pool anymore.
By the way, I am still trying to follow my own advice here, so if you end up with another "nice" date, know that you're not the only one :).
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Hi,
I would say, everyone is different. I know people who develop bonds/connections easily and I know people who have a hard time like yourself.
It all depends on a number of things, I would look back at the people and relationships around when you were growing up. Did you have a close family (mother and father), did they have a loving relationship etc.
Without knowing the details of that, we inherit a lot of emotional baggage from the people around us. For instance, there is a statistic that people are more likely to suffer a marriage breakdown if they came from a broken home. Men are more likely to be abusive, if their father figure was abusive also.
I know when I was growing up, the thing I picked up from my father was 'boy's don't show emotion, they don't cry' so I got to the stage where when I felt emotional I physically got up and left the room. It was simply because he hadn't been particularly close to his father, and so on. He couldn't deal with emotional people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Thanks for the answers, everyone.
To answer the questions:
1) No, I already checked if I had any mental disorders or syndromes and I was "clean" :)
2) I have only had one relationship so far. We lasted 3 years with my ex. We started off as friends and our feelings evolved. Everything came naturally and there was no heavy flirting or dating involved, we were just hanging out together all the time. Of course, I was a student back then and it was easier spending a lot of time with other people and getting to know them. Now, at this age, I have to go through the stupid rituals of dating, where I feel like I have no control on what the girl feels about me. If I act too fast, I am a creep. If I take things too slow (which I usually do), the girl gets bored and moves on. I am not the type of guy who instantly falls in love. I like to get to know the other person and that takes several meetings. Unfortunately for me, most girls expect to be kissed by the 3rd date already. I don't feel like doing that (then again, how can I explain this "urge" to kiss some rare girls that I really liked at 1st sight. Maybe I have dated the wrong girls after all...).
3) Now, about being too stiff and making things too forced during dates. I was like that a years back. I did a lot of self-analysis, read a lot about self-development and realized a lot of things. I am now much more comfortable during social interactions and dropped my shyness from the past. Now, conversation flows very naturally but there is still something missing. I guess I will have to step up and become more personal and physical (touching hands, hair, etc.). I have a hard time becoming more intimate all of a sudden. I really watch other guys and I wonder how they do it.
So, no, in general I don't behave like a cold person or a robot. I love fooling around, teasing and having wild laughs with my friends. I am pretty outgoing once you get to me know. It's just this transitional "dating" phase that I loathe. I feel like I have to pass a multitude of invisible tests in order to get a girl's approval.
I have now opted for a different approach. I have decided to completely disregard the outcome of a date and behave just like I would do with in front of my friends. I take them to places or activities that I like. I now avoid dates that consist exclusively in meeting for coffee/drinks as I cannot really show my true personality in these type of places. Sure, I behave more naturally but there is still no connection with the girls I am dating.
For example, I had a date yesterday. I have some artist friends who were holding a concert. I decided to invite this girl I met recently at a party. We didn't chat a lot but we seemed to click a bit, so we stayed in touch. After the concert, we went to some coffee shop and chatted for a long time. 2 hours had passed before we realized it. She liked the concert and she did seem to have a good time. We agreed to meet again. Now, I am simply worried this is going nowhere. I have the impression I have exhausted all possible topics and I also realize I have to start flirting. She's cute, she's fun, she's smart, she seems to like me, but I am still hesitating. Frankly speaking, I am not sure we have so much in common in the end. I really want to get to know her more before stepping things up. Is that unreasonable?
I don't care so much about sex, but I really look for an emotional connection when I meet girls. Most of my dates fall short on that aspect.
Ok, I will be honest, there are 2 girls with whom I could have perfectly hooked up, but they live in my home country. This really sucks as we are a pretty good match.
Now, I am realistic. I live far from my country and I have to adapt. In the span of 2 years, I have not been able to meet a girl with whom we could have a deep connection like I had with my ex. I have the impression I come off as a boring person to them.
So, all I want to know is how I can create some type of spark.
Thanks for reading :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): It takes chemistry to really feel you're into a person. If you're just dating for company; you don't really connect. You're just being superficial. You are dating just for something to do with your spare-time. My friend, people can sense that.
You don't open up and have fun. You are too busy analyzing your date, trying to be entertaining; and you're stiff.
Your dates are forced and contrived. They have no natural flow. I didn't make this up. You said so yourself.
You are out of practice with socializing; and allowing yourself to just have a good time. You think there is a "method" to dating. There isn't. You have to use your own imagination and create the mood. You can take pointers and suggestions; but works for others, may not work for you.
You have to base your feedback on her personality, and whatever signals you receive. Use your instincts, and stop
trying to apply scientific theory to natural human social interaction. You can connect emotionally. You're human.
It's both a fault and blessing!
You don't have to "intellectualize" a date. "TRYING" to be charming and witty. "TRYING" to impress. Boy, you must be totally exhausted after a date. She must be bored to tears!
You're forgetting something.
You're schmoozing and relaxing in the company of someone you're attracted to! There is no natural connection; because the wheels are busy turning in your head, and you
are "in your head;" and not on your date! Come down out of your head, and try hanging out with your date!
If you're not particularly attracted to that person; and just hanging out to satisfy your "heterosexual" obligation to spend time with a female. That's what it feels like to both you, and your date. We are straight...we do straight things!!! So robotic and void of awesomeness.
What's high school got to do with you now over 30, man?
You're an adult, and whatever flipped you out then; you should be long over by now. You're not dating high school girls anymore.
Are you?!!!
So have some fun, and make silly spontaneous conversation that just puts your date at ease. Compliment her, let her talk about herself; and let conversation grow on that. Then reveal funny things about you, not horrid mishaps. Save the dark stuff for later. I always wait until someone trusts me enough to tell me something weird. To shift the awkwardness, I make fun of myself. I think of something about it, I can relate to. That really helps people feel you're real, and not judging them. It breaks the ice, and both of you can relax. She's just as worried as you are,
trust me. If she's relaxed, you're on the right track!
Talk about foods you like, and the things you are especially good at. Women like men with hobbies and talent. "Show" her what you're good at. Then you're not all talk. Women love it when they can see with their own eyes. That gains trust. It's not all talk. Dates include some demonstration of your talents. I hope you can dance!
If you can play a guitar, or you can construct things.
Sack the corny poems, and cliche junk players use.
Try dating in places that inspire relaxed conversation.
Now that spring is here, picnics at the park with a picnic basket and wine. Go take pictures together; and walk barefoot on the grass. You are too stiff and over-thinking your dates; so you have no fun. You're acting like a guy twice your age.
Listen to your date and pick her brain for fun stuff she likes to do. Then do it. I've discovered that my best dates were doing things that my date suggested first. Then doing something I really like to do. If you're into sky-diving,
don't take a woman afraid of heights. Don't be ridiculous!
Emotion starts from sincerity. You have to put the emotional-side of your brain to work, and let your analytical-side rest. Let the woman reach into you, and bring out that side of you. If she can't reach that place; it's because she's not right for you. So you keep dating until this happens. You don't blame her or yourself. It's how nature works.
That's why I don't like dating people I've met at work. It keeps me in professional-mode. You need to listen to your feelings; and stop trying to figure things out like you're working out a math problem. That's not dating, dude!
You're interviewing your dates, and it doesn't feel good afterwards. You run out of things to say; because you didn't like them to begin with.
You're just being "heterosexual."
I'm gay. So now I have to explain what this comment means. I just raised your eyebrows to your hairline, and you wonder WTF?!!!
Society says, you're male over 25; so find a mate. She must be female. So you do. You don't pay any attention to "how" she attracts you. Just "that" she attracts you. She is pretty, she is female, she has a vagina. Period.
Does she make you feel silly like a schoolboy? Make you blush inside? You feel a rush through your body when you touch her? Does her smell give you a slight erection?
You need to feel something before you ask a woman out;
not just because she's pretty! If you only need to scratch an itch; because you're horny. Then you run out of stuff to say; because you just want to jump her bones, and lose her number. I'm a gay man, but I'm a man too! Now stop judging and read on.
Loosen up. Reveal light and funny things about yourself.
Don't make things up. Give her a reason to like you, to feel safe and comfortable with you. Drop your shields and graduate from high school. You're a man now. Feel at ease.
Be in charge, but give her room to co-pilot. Let her pickup where you leave-off. You don't have to carry the whole date.
Shut up and listen. Then comment to let her know you are.
I know a lot for a gay dude, huh? Cuz I dated women first.
I know what both girls and boys like. Enough about me, now back to you.
You place too much on your own shoulders before you even go on a date. Reading and updating your knowledge on current events, and trying to make a great presentation. You're on a date, not at a board meeting on Wall Street!
Then you feel washed out, instead of uplifted and giddy.
You over-think dating.
Dating is a form of entertainment and emotional-recreation. Fun and relaxation. If you don't define it that way, you don't really know what it is. So you'll have no clue how to do it.
I speak from experience. I had a 28 year relationship. My partner died. I had to date after that, with no dating experience. Oh, I'm not talking out of my backside. It was tough. So I know. I did the same thing you described in your post. However; I'm creative. That's how I hooked a keeper! So I just fell back on what I already know, and talked to my friends.
People love telling you what you're doing wrong.
So listen when they tell you. Your friends were right, by the way. You asked them out, but didn't feel anything for them. You were just being "heterosexual" about them.
Follow your feelings; but let your mind steer your feelings when they seem to be veering off-track. That's where your analytical-side takes over. If she isn't right for you, you don't feel a good vibe, she has too many problems; maybe she talks about her ex too much. These are things you must evaluate. It is one of the reasons you may not connect. Too much information. Desperate women searching for a long-term relationship, or a husband, will bend your ear. Listen, it's how you learn what they want and need. It's how you find a mate on the same page. You may not choose the chatty-Kathy, just listen so you can learn from her. She is just letting you know, she's had a rough ride; so don't waste her time. So don't.
Don't spend so much time evaluating yourself. Then you lose focus on your date. Am I interesting enough? Oh, no, she's frowning? What do I say next? Was my laughter appropriate?
Good Lord, she's talking about marriage already? Is she going to put out tonight, or is it too soon to make a move?
The salad gave me gas, and I can't hold it in much longer!!!
If you relax on a date, you'd enjoy it more. If you found the right atmosphere by finding out what she likes, you can set the right mood. You go with the flow, and you stop making your dates a place to look back on our failures.
Let me know if anything I've said makes any sense. I can't watch and evaluate you on a date. I just read your post, and this is what I think.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
Maybe the problem is with your perception of the situation and not the situation itself.
For example you said, "There is something missing, even I feel it. The conversation is going nowhere, flirting seems inappropriate as it does not match the mood, and they get bored."
Maybe that's just the way you think things are going but the girl would actually be comfortable with things escalating, switching from smalltalk to something more intimate, like relationship talk (what are you looking for, etc). If that goes well start talking about the the next level.
It's hard to spell it out as it just comes naturally, maybe there's a book that could help?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Is it worth checking whether you have Aspergers syndrome? I know that you say you think you are the way that you are because of how you grew up/your family, but Aspergers can run in families and it can also be something that, if you don't have yourself, you can still 'mimic' if you were brought up by parents with Aspergers.
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