A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I need some advice. So, on Thursday night I slept with someone for the first time in a long time. We briefly dated last year but it ended in disaster. everything felt wrong as our "relationship" started after a drunken one night stand (I knew him some months before, he wasn't a stranger). I got the feeling he was using me for sex and broke it off very swiftly. I was a bit hurt at the time but wanted to be a lady about it so I never sent him any negative vibe. For almost a year he has been actively trying to remain in contact with me even with zero effort on my part. I always responded nicely and even invited him to my birthday party this summer (he came and brought me a gift that I could tell he put a lot of thought into it.So fast forward to now. He kept mailing me asking to see me "for coffee" and one day I said yes. It was clearly a date though, followed by a few others. Again, he put thought into where to take me and treated me great. By the fourth date we ended up sleeping together. None of us had been drinking, and I don't know why but it felt right. I now think maybe it was a mistake. We previously analysed what went wrong first time around and I told him the way it started with sex and continued to be heavily forcused on that made me feel cheap but that I never blamed him, it just wasn't my thing. He told me he is very bad at things like that because he is shy and possibly could handled the situation better, but being awkward is part of who he is (he is very shy). So, this time around it was a lot different. The sex was tender and less lust driven, he held me close all night long and made me breakfast in bed, then accompanied me all the way to my place before he went to work.But then he told me "give me a call sometime. I want to get together again". Remembering the past I quickly told him I would prefer if he were to call me instead. I was a bit awkward myself and now I don't know how to play it. I think I slept with him again too soon. We are both problematic when it comes to relating to one another in the flirting way and we are both adults so what gives? He is too shy and I am too skeptical. His actions ever since we met one another suggest that he does like me but I have been duped before. Any advice for me?
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cheap, drunk, flirt, one night stand, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): A big thank you to the both of you (OP here). Eddie, I think you have a pretty firm grasp of the situation so the fact you don't see red flags there is reasurring. I keep telling myself that this time everything is different but I guess it really is. Before we just ended up in bed together having no idea how it happened and no clue as to what to say to one another. So yes, it was mainly focused on sex and didn't last very long (a month) but this time we took the time to really get to know one another. Chickpea, he also told me he was not happy with our first encounter. I guess the fact that he is shy makes him a lousy flirt. He and I can talk for hours and hours and I liked the sex better this time around even though it was less spectacular. But he has great difficulties flirting and can act very awkward which unfortunately feeds my insecurities I guess. Thanks for the optimistic words. You are right. I should just relax and enjoy getting to know him. So thanks for taking the time. Any more insight will be also appreciated.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Hi,
Great advice from the previous poster. I just want to add that, I think what happened last year didn't work out under the circumstances on how you both met. It's was a drunken one night stand, you both didn't know each other well, and it's ok because it happens.
He was pursuing you for a year, being nice, came to your birthday, brought you a thoughtful gift, took you out few times, made you breakfast in bed, walked to your place... Everything makes me believe that he has truly good intensions this time. Even though you know him for over a year, it's too early to say if this is love, or real commitment. And you shouldn't think about it anyways....
I think you are overthinking this too much, I think you should enjoy making a new friend, and getting to know each other better, and take a chance... Who knows, right? Enjoy, have a good time, relax, have fun... I think he's a good guy...
Good luck/best wishes...
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Reading between the lines in your question, I think what you are wrestling with is your conscious.
It would appear that you were dating a year ago but that the relationship was largely based upon sex. And it would appear that you broke up because you wanted or needed something more. You wanted someone to love you and be committed to you but you really felt like this guy wasn't the one.
It would seem this past Thursday you 'potentially' repeated the same mistake again. There is nothing I can go on as to whether this guy is really ready to up to the ante in terms of a committed relationship, but on the surface it looks like he is off to a good start.
What you are feeling, today, is anxiety and uncertainty. My guess is that you aren't sure where you stand and where you are going. You've already back to where you were a year ago: sleeping together with a lose commitment with one another. So what you are feeling is normal (sadly, its the price of sex without the commitment).
I suggest you take things slowly and keep your lines of communication open. He has some interest in you on account that he has pursued you for over a year, so that is a good sign. And he is definitely making you feel wanted by making you breakfast and being tender. This is a good start, but only time will tell if he is now Mr Right, or Mr Right Now.
Good luck.
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