| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My bf and I have been together for a year and a half and we live together. Before me, he was a real stud. He slept with almost 200 women and even today is never short of women's attention. Any gf he had before he cheated on them. He admitted all these things to me in the beginning. I on the other hand had only slept with 3 other people. He says that I changed him and that he won't cheat on me. He says that I'm the only girl he had ever loved and that I was always the only girl he wanted to be with when we first met many years ago. And that he has been in love with me for nearly 6yrs and none of those other women ever compared to me. And that he has no interest in anyone else. But at the same time naturally due to his past I do feel apprehensive (not at all jealous or paranoid... ie I never stop him or have arguments about him going out or doing anything) that he may cheat on me. He often makes jokes about it. For instance last night - I am going away and he said he would never cheat on me while I'm away as it would be too obvious. He said he would be more calculated than that so I will never find out. So he says "jokes" like this all the time if I ever bring up my apprehensions. Which only makes me feel worse. I have told him how I hate when he says stuff like that but then he just gets angry with me and says I'm the only who has these feelings - not him.Other than that, our relationship is pretty ok with normal ups and downs. But it's as though part of me is anticipating there is a likely chance he will cheat on me in the future. And if I ever voice my concerns (which isn't that often...let us say every few weeks) he just makes suggestions (even if as a joke) that it could happen. And even though I told him it upsets me, he still does it. So what do you guys think? Am I playing with fire? Can a guy like this really change so much or is it more likely he will go back to his ways?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CatCat  +, writes (7 August 2015):
My advice is, take the advice of Honeypie, but at the same time follow my advice (which is maybe not the right advice), but here it is: be more devious than him. Develop friendships with other men, but don't tell him. Whether they mean anything or not, from my experience, jokes like his are not a good sign. Engage in activities where you can meet other men, and then gradually get to know men that you can trust. You can just tell your boyfriend that you are "taking computer lessons" or joining a sports club, for example. Try to set him straight, but meanwhile develop your social life.
A
female
reader, mrspiggy  +, writes (7 August 2015):
 To suggest to your boyfriend every few weeks that he might cheat on you is very often. I have never suggested to my husband that he might cheat on me in the nine years we've been together. Your boyfriend only responds with his 'it might happen' comments after you bring it up. So stop. Maybe he's just fed up with defending himself over something that hasn't happened. You have two options. 1 Trust him and stop bringing up his past and the fact that he 'might' cheat 2 leave him and find someone you do trust. I don't think you're being very fair staying with him only to question his love and loyalty repeatedly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): A guy who has slept with 200 women and has the unmitigated gall to tell his new girlfriend that he did, is a man-ho and an ass-h*le. Why on earth would he tell you something like that? Is he implying you should feel lucky?
Learning his past, then becoming paranoid, and feeling unsettled is the effect he was going for. He mocks you about cheating, when he should be respectful and reassuring of your feelings. Laying that bomb on you was a narcissistic trick players pull; to let women know they should never feel they can't be replaced. He's a legend in his own mind, and thinks he's the stud. It shakes your confidence. That's why you feel as you do. He is the grand manipulator. He builds you up; to knock you down a notch.
He may be somewhat settled-down with you, but he's a player at heart. Players need love. They've broken so many hearts, they need to feel validated after all the hatred they've created amongst the women they've hurt and destroyed. He needs you to make him feel worthy and loveable. Never take sweet-talk too seriously. It's flattery. That's all it is.
It's nice to hear from your lover; but don't let it go to your head. That's how they keep you in la-la land; so you don't notice what they're doing.
That's why he always knows just what to say. You're beautiful, you've changed him, blah blah blah! That well-rehearsed speech has been used many times over on that other 200 females that he slept around with.
If he has changed, why would you say he is never short of women's attention? Does he have a lot of female friends?
You say it has lasted 6 years? I wonder how you endure all that egotistical conceited arrogance? You must be in a stupor of denial!
Well, reality is starting to kick-in. His jokes aren't funny, and the biting humor behind them are meant to shake your confidence and keep you in line.
He's a little worried. You're showing a more heightened awareness of his behavior, and seeing him more for who he is. Before, you may have idolized him; and placed him on a pedestal. Adoring his confidence, machismo, and good-looks. You eventually wake-up in a relationship; and start noticing what's going on around you. You're taking the relationship seriously, and probably reaching that point when you're considering marriage and a family. After learning how he slept around, that reality hit you hard! His words don't seem as real and comforting as they once did.
Well, you'll see things more clearly now. You'll assess the relationship, observe his behavior, and consider what kind of future he has to offer. Then you will make a decision based on what's best for you, and grounded in the realm of reality. Can you trust that he has changed? We don't know him. You do! You should, if you've lived with him for six long years!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): sleeping with 200 women before you makes him a man-slag, not a real stud!Did he get checked for his potential diseases.He thinks he's attractive but he is just bigging himself up by preying on your insecurities.You have to deal with this kind of man by not giving a damn and once in a while read him the riot act and see if he will adjust his behaviour a bit for you. Being attractive and sexually active is ok if thats what you want n the sack but being secure is not going to happen unless you don a coat of armour.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): HiThe only thing I can say to help is that I had an abusive partner who I was with for years and he would say things like this occasionally to me. I never talked about him cheating on me as he would also get angry if I was ever negative about him, which was rare. Abusive men use anger to stop you from talking about subjects they don't want you to talk about. Maybe he is fed up with being accused, but all the introduction he gave about himself was designed to make you feel insecure. Mixed with, wow I'm so lucky he wants ME! Now, if you try to talk about what he made a feature of his past, infidelity and cheating, he makes sure that he doesn't reassure you. He wants you insecure. My partner was the same, he was some sort of magnet for women, me included. Some men have just got it. He had also had numerous partners, hundreds, and had women flocking around him at dancing. They were young and gorgeous and he's now in his late fifties and it still happens. He told me once, 'If I decide to cheat on you, you would never know'. Nice, huh?I'm not saying that your bf is definitely abusive, but his behaviour sounds very similar. Read up on the subject of emotional abuse and you may start to understand more of what his behaviour means. Also, turn things around in your head, conversations etc. Would you ever say the same sort of things to someone else? It can often show us how unacceptable some behaviour is when we realise that we would not behave in that way.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 August 2015):
 Your third paragraph - "He says that I changed him and that he won't cheat on me. He says that I'm the only girl he had ever loved...." and blah, blah, blah. I'm betting that those other 200 girls could have written that, as well as you...
Yes... you're playing with fire.... and should continue only if you have no compunction about being burned....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 August 2015):
 I think going by your gut instinct is usually smart, but... I don't blame him for being a little annoyed if you bring up the possibility of him cheating "let us say every few weeks" - if he REALLY has changed it must be quite demoralizing to be semi accused of doing it "every few weeks".... Don't you think?
So you have to decide if you are WILLING to GIVE him the trust that SHOULD be in a relationship, or if it's actually BETTER for you to leave. I can't even imagine how stressful it must be to date someone, live with someone with the constant worry that "the other shoe will drop" (aka he will cheat) - however you KNEW his history early on and if you felt that he COULD possibly cheat on you, then WHY stay with him?
So I'd sit him down and tell him, I'm going to STOP presuming you will cheat as you have NOT cheated on me so far and I WANT to trust you - you on the other hand need to quit with the "jokes" because they are NOT helping me trust you.
Then stick to it.
Accusing him every few weeks... DOESN'T prevent a guy from cheating. The ONLY thing that would prevent THIS guy from cheating is HIM, HIM choosing NOT to cheat.
I DO think a guy who has had a LOT of partners and has cheated before can BE faithful, he might finally have realized he wasn't really getting anything OUT of it, that he was hurting other people, that he can't be cavorting with every female available if he want to have a solid and healthy relationship.
Cheating is a choice, and so is being faithful.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 August 2015):
 I don't know OP. On the one hand, once a cheater, always a cheater. On the other hand, why give someone a bad name and hang him when he hasn't given you any evidence of any wrong-doings on his part?
What does your gut feeling tell you about him? Tell him once and for all to cut it out with the jokes. Its not funny, its in very bad taste and it just makes you doubt him.
Ultimately, its all down to what YOU feel. Do you think you can make peace with the fact that he's had such a past? To be honest, if I were in your place I don't think I could rationally look past the affairs and most importantly the cheating. Then again, no one can predict or know for sure if he's really changed; that's for him to know and for you to discover if you decide to stick around.
Follow your instincts OP, take your time and see.
...............................
|
