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So hard to control my feelings

Tagged as: Crushes, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been in a problematic "relationship" with a married acquaintance from my work for the past few months. We aren't full-time co-workers but we work together alone enough when he's around. I'm 23 and he's around 39-40ish.

I had developed a bit of a crush on him and used to think that these feelings were mostly on my part. However, in the past year there have been inklings of something from him, touching, and other things...

I suppose I am just conflicted about the whole situation? On one hand I want to be selfish because it feels very right, but I cannot betray and hurt my fellow woman like this. They have 4 small children and I don't want to be a home wrecker. But how do I even begin to break something like this off, when the likelihood that we'll still be made to work together.

View related questions: co-worker, crush

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2017):

Who cares if he doesn't want to LET GO???

It is NOT his decision.


And if YOU want to LET GO, then you can do that. He has no say in the decisions YOU make for your own well being. You look after you. He won't.

LET GO sweetie. You are the one who has to do it. He will be content to have sex with you and throw you away when he is done.

See what happens in the coming weeks? What do you mean? You need to be much more FIRM than this. You don't need to see anything. All you need to do is tell him to stay away from you. HE is MARRIED! Keep your dealings to work only. If you feel you cannot do so and you will know this of yourself, then you do need to find a new job.

The guy is going to keep trying. He wants to score. It's what they do! And if you put up more resistance, he is going to keep chasing you. He will take anything you do as HOPE. So, unless you are point blank clear and stick to it, he will keep trying. Are you really this strong to resist his continuous advances?

He is going to use you for sex and break your heart IF YOU LET HIM and then the aftermath of that while you work together is all going to be painful on top of painful.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (18 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou should have thought on them poor four children and his wife before you even entered in to an affair with this man.

Honestly you should look for another job and stay away from this man, that or else you will be enemy number one and yes you will be a home wrecker.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2017):

Thank you all for the much appreciated wake-up call. I’m quite the impulsive person, but I managed to ignore him for half a day yesterday. We have to work together after all and when we did talk alone he wanted to know why I was so aloof, what had he done wrong… etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with how things were, with him being married and all…

He said that was fine, but he didn’t want to “let go” or something along those lines. I’ll see what happens in the coming weeks. Maybe things will die off?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 May 2017):

Concentrating on what you were hired to do is a good distraction. Millennials seem to think their workplace is a setting for seeking romance and love-connections. Work is where you behave like a professional and do your job. Save your man-hunting for your personal-time, and leave married-men alone.

Ruining a family usually backfires. You get a man capable of cheating, and will drag baby-mama drama into your life. She isn't going to forgive either of you, and will make it her business to make both your lives a living hell. You're not just hurting the mother of his children; you're breaking-up a family. Kids who need their father and a stable home. He will be a mess, as she trashes him through a nasty divorce and child-custody battle. Child-support for four children and trying to support himself separately, will keep him on edge about money. While you're all ga-ga in-love.

Once child-custody is settled; he'll have to have the kids over at scheduled-times, you can't go out when you want to, and they will hate you for how you hurt their mother. If she is the vindictive kind of woman, she will make sure they treat you as awful as possible. If he has a teenage daughter, she will be the brat from hell towards you.

I get so exhausted with the excuse "I can't help it." Self-control is what stops people from randomly murdering people, robbing banks, driving a vehicle recklessly off the road, and can also be employed to control what we do with our feelings and genitals.

We were given a conscience and taught right from wrong for a reason. You can't just arbitrarily go out and say and do whatever feels good. You use restraint and self-discipline to behave like a civilized human being. You show respect for boundaries, the law, and have consideration for the feelings of others. Some things are off-limits! Married-people being among those things! You wouldn't want some random female screwing your husband or boyfriend. You've got feelings too!

Your karma would be having your own future-husband stolen from you. Which will hurt you worse; because it always hurts the perpetrator of a misdeed more than their last victim.

You don't follow your heart everywhere it takes you, or pedophiles could use the same excuse. They can't help it. Keep your distance and fight the feelings. Better yet, get another job, and find yourself a single and available man off work-premises. You'll be happier and less confused.

This all sounds so mean, I know. It's the harsh reality of it all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

You are going to end up with your heart torn apart and the pain will be unimaginable.

Think it is hard to tear away from him now?

Wait until you have SEX and fall IN LOVE with him.

THEN there is no turning back.

Sweetie, you WILL regret it.

This road leads nowhere. Except to your own self destruction. Unless you can have sex and have no heart or feelings, which many women can't, this is not the arrangement for you. Many women will fool themselves into thinking they can handle it. But they can't. Because no matter how hard you try, if you sleep with the guy long enough, you are going to get attached. While he will always remain DETACHED from you. He has to. He will never be emotionally available to you. You will beg him to care. Beg him to love you. Beg him to choose you. Beg him to spend more time with you, which he does NOT have. You are going to lower yourself for a man who is using you for sex and fun on the side. That is ALL.

It is all exciting and fun and games now but once you are with him for awhile and feel worthless because of him, you are going to lose your self esteem and self worth. You will become depressed and feel bad about yourself. You will feel completely alone. It is ironic because at this time, he is boosting that self esteem by showing interest. But when he gets his fill of you, and he will, and once he gets bored, and he will, and once things get too complicated, and they will, once the wife starts to get suspicious, and she will, he is going to dump you so quick you won't even have a chance to blink. You would never be able to trust a cheater not to do the same thing to you. This is incredibly soul destroying to go around with the worry that he is going to replace you someday.

You have the opportunity now to walk away. Save yourself the pain. Because the pain is guaranteed.

Find yourself a GOOD GUY. This guy isn't a good guy or a nice guy at all. He just PRETENDS to be. He NEEDS TO STRING YOU ALONG. HE NEEDS TO FOOL YOU in order to get SEX. A good guy does not solicit sex from younger women when he is a MARRIED MAN AND has 4 YOUNG KIDS!!!!

You seem like a smart, level headed young lady. Do not give this creep what he wants. Trust me sweetie, he is going to get it from some naïve young woman, if it is not you. These guys pull out all the stops. They've got GAME. Please understand that married men will say and do anything to get some side sex. My guess is the wife is too busy tending to HIS four children and like a selfish little kid, he is feeling neglected and needs an ego boost somewhere. News flash! His wife is being a good mother! So, instead of suck it up and understand that things may have shifted for awhile, he has gone outside his marriage for thrills. Do not be the girl who lets him win. Do not give him that kind of power. I don't think you would like it if you had 4 kids with him and he was off trying to proposition some other young woman for sex on the side. It would kill you, wouldn't it? It would kill his wife too to find out he was cheating on her. Especially after she had his four children. And gave so much of herself to him and their marriage. Relationships are never easy but he made a commitment to his wife. And he needs to follow through and stick to his commitment instead of being an immature, selfish prick. He just wants to come out to play. He should be careful because he has a lot to lose.

He is an a^^hole.

Stay away from a^^^oles.

They will ruin your life.

They will rob you of your youth, your vitality, your joy, your worth, your soul. You will end up looking in the mirror someday and seeing a person you do not know. And you will never again regain that innocence. It will be lost forever. And that little girl you once knew is gone. You will miss her; the person you used to be. And you will bear those scars for life.

Been there sweetie and it is an exquisite form of HELL. And it gets worse and worse.

I would not wish it upon anyone.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow do you do it?

1. put yourself in his wife's shoes. JUST for a minute. (or long term GF, whatever).

2. you accept that he will NOT leave HER for you. He will fool around with you, he will USE you but he knows that he OWES his wife/gf something, he owes you nothing. If push came to shove he'd drop you in a heartbeat.

3. he is a piece of crap. Simple. He thinks it's OK to mess around with a girl ALMOST HALF his age at work while having a wife/gf and 4 (FOUR) small children at home! what kind of disgusting pig would do that? If he didn't WANT to have 4 pigs he should have wrapped the Christmas Salami!

4. There are MANY and MUCH better guys out there. Who doesn't want to USE you but care about you, love you and BE faithful to you, so WHY settle for an old cheating pig lizard?

5. YOU can control your own actions. It's just whether you want to or not. No one else can control you (nor should they) but YOU can. If you don't want to be the piece of meat on the side, then don't! Have some morals and a backbone. You say you don't want to be a home wrecker, then don't.

6. BE frank with him. Tell him you can't do this. That you wouldn't want another woman to do it to you and you are not going to do that to his wife/gf. SIMPLE. Now he might pull out all the sob stories on how he can't leave, he gets no sex, she cheats, she doesn't understand him, blah blah blah. HIS PROBLEMS, not yours. Tell him that you don't want to create drama at work so you will be professional at work and expect the same of him - if he ISN'T doing that - consider talking to HR.

7. While it might SUCK having to be the "grown up" in certain situations, it will only make you stronger as a person.

8. cut him off from contact outside of work. UNLESS he NEEDS your phone number for work, I'd block him.

9. HAVE a life outside of work. DATE men you don't WORK with and who are SINGLE. The age old advice "don't shit where you eat" (or date where you work) is REALLY a good piece of advice. You go to work TO work, to EAR a living. Not to fool around with the male coworkers.

You can do this. You already know it's NOT a good thing you got going on here and that it needs to stop - so put those words and thoughts into action. WANT more for yourself.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (17 May 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThis pig of a man has four little babies relying on him ... what are his intentions, besides a quick session of sex with a young female, towards you.

I understand about attractions, and he certainly isn't doing anything to put a stop to it is he?

It seems you are going to have to be the adult one here, when he does the touchy touchy lingering hand thing pull back, ask him if he thinks his wife would like him doing that.

YOu might be in for an awkward time, see if you can tough it out, if it looks like he is going to make your job difficult as some sort of revenge it may be necessary to look for another job.

Don't fall for his BS. He isn't wanting anything serious, and we (all we women) are worth much more than this man is offering.

When he approaches gather your strength around you, be professional in your work place and stop the intimate touches, sighs and looks. Stay strong.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2017):

Well, if you totally lack willpower and don't think you can resist him, then it's time to look for a new job or ask for a transfer within your company if possible.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (17 May 2017):

Honeygirl agony auntHon, if you really want this to work, you have to find new employment, cut this man off totally, no chatting on whatsapp or social media. Block him completely. If he doesn't leave you alone, keep copies of all messages etc., and man up and go and see his wife.

It is up to you to be the better person and not help this man ruin his marriage and his kid's lives. Don't stoop to being part of that.

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