A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Should I call and tell his daughter (my stepdaughter) that her father has been abusive for years and recently put his hands around my throat?The day following his abuse, he went out for 5 hours and came back with no apology, no flowers… but wanted to talk. When I expressed my disgust for his behaviour, lack of an apology, he paused and said “Sorry, you provoked me!” (Typical) I said, “was it provoking you when I stood up against your threat to put me in hospital!? After you yelled I’m a lazy F bitch, after I painted the house all day for 4 days, needed to rest my aching bad back and you heat up a microwave dinner for us? Is that reason for you to threaten to bash me to a point I need a hospital?Later on the same day of this argument; his daughter rang asking him if she and her older brother could come visit us (interstate) this August. When he mentioned her plans to me, I did not give him an answer as I was still dazed from the night before and in my head planning his eviction without using Police etc. He then became all sweet, apologetic because he knows it’s my home they’d need to stay at. I say she needs to know as she’d want to book early bird flights and why I’m not happy as always to have them here on this occasion, as I don’t know if her father is going to be living here by August. All he’d do is make me out to be the bad guy, cover up the truth, deny his abusive behaviour, and give me hell if I said no to him at this stage.I’ve reduced cooking and laundry where he now orders take-away when I’m busy renovating the house. He continues to be abusive; calls me a smart arse; belittles my ideas or ignores me when there’s need to discuss renovations.
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): Thank you all for the firm clear advice.To clarify some areas:I had no intention to trash talk about her father or seek solace from her. Sad to say without being nasty she too has an explosive temper towards her Husband, Father and IS extremely lazy! However, my point is, had she asked me that day on the phone about visiting us; me being so raw with emotion I would have told her straight; sorry but your Dad last night had his hands around my throat, I’ve had enough of him, I don’t see him living here by then! You and family are welcome to stay and visit, as always, your Dad is not!He certainly has been telling his daughter, Mother, friends, strangers, his Psychologist about his side of the story, presenting me as OCD and domineering especially after these explosive episodes. The intelligent ones have exposed him for exaggerating and lying to them; others just like hearing gossip and sympathize with him, his Mother the worst of them all. (According to him, my weekly cleaning house is OCD, and by ‘asking’ for a helping hand or by having ideas that differ to his is domineering) Be that I have hung around (not married) this person for some years for personal reasons he previous has been kicked out and will be going for the last time. I certainly have not made it easy for him to slack off, get away with his behavior. Thankfully, I am domineering (as he would say) not a push over in that regard.All my previous steps of setting the example against abuse have been worthy of example; boundaries, patience, couple counseling, personal adjustments etc. However once a person touches me with unprovoked violence and continues to have attitude, “sorry you provoked me!” let my examples show his daughter and others I am serious! Hope this clarified some areas that some of you mentioned.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 I think there's really only ONE question "on the table" relative to your submittal. That question is:
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HANGING AROUND WITH A GUY WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS???????
Once you've answered THAT question.... all OTHER "questions" will disappear.....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (7 May 2016):
Darn! This is one of the more troubling situations I've read here on DearCupid and I've read a lot of them! My heart aches for you.First priority is to get him out of the house! I don't know what police protections are offered in your country but you need to minimize the chance that he may follow thru with his threats.As for his daughter, he has certainly been telling her his side of the story, presenting you in a negative light. But she probably knows her dad's shortcomings and that there is another (your) side to this story.Assuming you trust her, I would call her and tell her the exact situation and strongly suggest she not come out. August is three months away and either 1) he'll be out of your house or 2) it'll be a very dark and uncomfortable environment for her visit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): Absolutely not. Are there abuse claims against his children that you would be negligent to report? Are his kids seeking your protection against him?Or...are you seeking solace and support in his children?You have a duty to yourself to get out of an abusive marriage and that is your right, but it is not your entitlement to enlist his children as your flying monkeys and enablers- these children are not deserving of being put in the parenting role by you, especially when you have not taken the bold steps (leading by example against abuse) to be their mentor. IF and only IF you gather the courage and strength to be a strong person in your own right, you have no right to pit these kids against their Dad. Your enlisters of support should remain within your support group of adult friends/counselors outside your marriage.I understand you are probably enraged and enlisting his children against him would hit him the hardest but it is a selfish plight and a harmful one. It is not within your domain of these kids to "enlighten" and "turn" these children (as your claims would certainly do) against their father. Seek your solace and peace on the other side and if these children come to you later for truth...deliver. However, rallying troops against a parent to enhance your weakness is a weak and passive agressive plot. A therapist will be the best help in understanding why you accepted this type of marriage in the first place and why you as an adult woman have no other sources of support than his own children.We as a society have recognized the abuse of children torn between divorcing/divorced parents and a step-parent with not even a partial investment of these kids (even adult children) has no right to trash talk the other parent. Don't go there! Gather the strength to help YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (7 May 2016):
 First things first. YOU know the truth. Honeypie has given you some good advice already. But you take care of you. August is a long time away, too long for him to living under your roof. I see you live in Australia, domestic violence is on the up and up and liken men like him to that of a family dog. Don't wait for him to bite.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2016):
 One start to plans to kick him out. Then inform her that she is welcome to visit and stay with you (if that is what you wish) or tell her she needs to make other plans as her dad will be moving out of your house.
She will possibly ask why, then tell her the truth.
I would honestly kick him out asap. By going about it in a legal way may be the smartest approach.
...............................
|
