A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,Apologies for the length of this question, but I'm trying to figure out what to do about a tricky situation. 3 years ago I fell in love with an old friend, and we started a long-distance relationship. I was 18 at the time, but was sure that we'd be together forever. We were 4 years old when we first met, and I can't remember not knowing him. He's always been around.The relationship lasted only 6 months, because trying to care for me long-distance (I believe I was depressed at that time, but I was in denial about it) and himself became too much of a strain for my boyfriend. We didn't speak for a few months, but we both missed each other. We began talking again, and spoke most days via Skype. He was soon telling me he still loved me and that maybe we'd be able to get back together in the future, when we could live nearer to each other. In hindsight, I am actually glad this didn't happen, as I would have built my whole life around him. I've been able to get a job that allows me to travel, which I love, and am becoming more and more independent.I did find it very difficult when he began a new relationship 2 years ago. Every time he mentioned his girlfriend, I would burst into tears. He was my best friend and I was scared that someone else was becoming a bigger part of his life than I was. I felt I was being thrown aside, and wanted to see him. I wanted him to make time for me to show that I was still important. I was feeling very vulnerable. We met up at a mutual friend's house when he was a few months into the relationship. We ended up getting drunk and having sex. Both of us felt very guilty afterwards and he told his girlfriend, who forgave him.Nearly a year later we decided enough time had passed that there would be less tension if we tried meeting up a second time. I went to stay with him for a few days. We had sex again the first night I was there, and this time it didn't seem such a big deal. He shrugged it off as "just what happens when we see each other", and he did not tell his girlfriend. We actually had a nice time together as friends after that. However on my last night there he got me very drunk and took photos of me naked, though nothing sexual happened between us.He still has one of these photos, and I suppose I found it flattering at first- he found me so desirable that he was willing to risk having such an incriminating photo on his computer. He began asking for more photos, but I didn't take any. I felt pressured to do what he wanted, and started to see he was manipulating me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and I'd become his "something on the side". He knew I had very low self-esteem, and craved attention from him, and reassurance that maybe he still wanted me. My confidence has been improving, but this realisation that I'd allowed myself to be used was awful.I would really like to tell his girlfriend what's been happening. I can't believe how content he is to lie outright to her, and how much he's been getting away with. For the last 2 years he's flirted constantly with me, leading me on, telling me he's thought of me during sex with her, while letting her believe nothing else happened between us after that first time. He's been treating us both terribly. I can see exactly what he's been doing to me, but she has no idea.He's very smug about how much she trusts him. I've told him that I could easily let her know about the photo he has, which is evidence that our relationship is not appropriate- it's clear that it was taken in his bed. He said that if I did that he would just delete the photo and tell her I'm crazy and making things up. I realised then I cannot be his friend any longer. What kind of friend would claim I'm crazy and a liar if I dared to tell the truth? I do have my own copy of that photo, as it was originally taken on my camera. I'm not keen to show it to anyone, but it is there.I keep wondering whether or not it would be right to contact his girlfriend. If I was in her shoes I feel like I would definitely want to know about this. All their trust is based on lies, and I feel very sorry for her. I imagine she wouldn't want to believe me, but I do have that evidence if necessary. I hate lying and want to start telling the truth. He's betrayed her more than he has me, and the way he's treated me is easily enough for me to decide I need him out of my life. I'm pretty sad to be throwing away years of friendship, but I can't be in this situation with him any longer.He and his girlfriend are abroad for the next couple of months, so I have time to consider what to do when they get back. I know I won't be contacting him again, but do you think I should contact her? I won't be asking for forgiveness or anything for my role in this- I fully accept that I should have broken off this "flirtationship" as soon as she arrived on the scene, and should never have slept with him. I wish that I had done things differently. I feel like I can at least make the situation clear to her to allow her to make her own decision about him, like I've been able to do. I'm not really sure though- maybe I should just walk away entirely, without saying anything? I hope you can shed some light on this.
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best friend, confidence, depressed, drunk, fell in love, flirt, get back together, liar Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Op here. Cerberus, I find it interesting that your answer to someone else wanting to expose a cheating girlfriend was "If he's stupid enough to forgive being cheated on then he deserves what he gets, except HIV or any kind of disease". Quite a change of tack there!I can't really be bothered with giving the details to explain why I disagree with any of you, though I will say that I have never been comfortable with the lying. I did not know her surname until January, and so didn't know how I could contact her. It was just before he was saying he'd claim I was crazy, so everything started to fall into place at the same time.When he comes home from his holiday I will be contacting him just once to say he can either man up and tell her himself, or I'll do it. If someone could have told me what he was like 3 or 4 years ago, everything would have been different. If someone has this kind of person in their life, I still believe they need to know. He's been telling me I'm his best friend for years and I know just how nice and normal he can be. I don't doubt that she's trusted him since his first "never again" confession. He knows how to convince people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Op, in your friend's girlfriend's shoes, I'd want to know.
But coming from you, I wouldn't believe it.
I would think you're a psycho friend stirring trouble because you want to replace me as his girfriend. Or that you are doing it out of spite because he's rejected you (since this is what he will obviously tell her if you confess)
So while I would usually support telling people the truth, in your case this is a bad idea.
Your confession comes from a place of vengeance and spite.
Your credibility will be in question; she'll end up thinking you're ridiculous and you'll end up even more affected by the whole situation.
Leave them to it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (22 April 2014):
 Just disappear, OP. This is a classic case of sour grapes. Your desire to tell his girlfriend is not altruistic, but entirely self serving.
You of all people should understand how he was able to lie to his girlfriend all this time, because you were doing the same thing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 OP, the real question is why you have stuck around for 2 years, as you say you know what he was doing. She knows he cheated on you with her, you are going to come across as a rather delusional ex-girlfriend with an unhealthy obsession and it will not result in his being tossed out by her.
--Every time he mentioned his girlfriend, I would burst into tears.
--He was my best friend and I was scared that someone else was becoming a bigger part of his life than I was.
--I wanted him to make time for me to show that I was still important. I was feeling very vulnerable.
… I could keep on pulling quotes out of your question.
This guy isn't your best friend. He's your obsession. It's not a "flirtationship." You've hung on and you need some professional help.
The light that needs to be shed on this is by a qualified mental health professional who can help you figure out why you stuck around for 2 years behaving like a woman who doesn't have her wits about her. I mean, come on, the dude was making you cry every time he talked about his girlfriend? And you stuck around for this?
You say you hate lying and want to tell the truth. The place to start telling the truth is to that person you face in the mirror every day and in the office of that mental health professional. That's where the truth needs to be told.
You say you had depression and low self-esteem and craved reassurance. Woman, why the HELL haven't you got yourself into that doctor's office and get this sorted out? Especially as you say you have all these things? What is keeping you from doing the right thing for yourself?
Who cares what the hell he is doing or what she is doing?
None of that matters, in your life, honestly.
What matters is that you stop whatever obsessional thinking you have going on and get yourself into that specialist's office! Go be brave.
P.S. Your current plan of telling her is going to be an absolute disaster, that's why you need to seek the help of that qualified counselor ASAP! Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): So you want to get back at him by punishing her? Nice. Definitely the right thing to do, crush her world by admitting all the times you shagged her boyfriend behind her back and with pictures too, even better, really rub in it nice and good! She'll be delighted and definitely appreciate that.
OP you're just as bad as him, if not worse because you now want to tell her out of revenge and ruin her relationship, when if you'd just stayed away in the first place this wouldn't have happened. It's not for any good reason you want to do this, if you really were that caring of what she deserves to know you wouldn't have spread 'em for her boyfriend. The reality is you want to feel good about yourself, get revenge and you don't care how much it hurts her in the process.
OP just leave her alone, you've done enough damage to her life. He's a scumbag of course but without the side pussy on tap you provided he may not actually be a cheater. You disappearing is the best solution here. You're a major part of this problem, and very possibly the sole reason he cheated on her too. It does not excuse him but she's done nothing to deserve what you did to her and she certainly doesn't deserve you taking out your revenge on her.
OP lots of people will tell you what "right thing to do" is tell her but it's not. She knows he's a cheater, she forgave him already for it, she's probably more than aware of what you and he have been up to and just like you she has her reasons for not wanting to let him go.
Your wish to fuck her relationship up does not come from a goods place, you either want to absolve your guilt or you want revenge, well neither is the right motivation. Time to do the right thing and walk away from this whole thing. Just try not to do it again with anyone, OP and learn your lessons well from this.
Stay out of her relationship and let her sort her own life out, she knows he's a cheater, you have no info to offer her. She's probably checked his phone, his FB messages plenty of times and if she hasn't then she knows what he's up to by how much he guards those things.
You brought nothing but misery to her life, OP, I don't understand why you want stick a final a dagger in her back and think you're doing good by her.
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