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Should I message him? Did I put him off by being a bit aloof in my response to his slightly gushing message?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hello

I met a man through mutual friends and he contacted me via Facebook to ask me to join him at an event. I said yes and we then spent the week before the event messaging each other every day - I suppose getting to know each other.

He is 60 and in the process of getting divorced (decree nisi) and I am 55 and divorced 4 years ago.

We went to the event which was on an afternoon, and spent 2.5 hours together talking, walking, meeting mutual friends and having a really nice time. We talked a bit about relationships and the fact that we both would like to be in a good and steady one.

He told me that he is friendly with a widow but not in a relationship with her.

But she has become very emotionally dependent on him and he needs to sort this out as he would like to move forward into a proper relationship with someone (not the lady).

As a result he feels that he would like to develop a friendship with me first so that we both find out if we're suited and it would not be rushing into anything before he has sorted things out with his widow friend.

He stayed on at the event and I went home so that he could spend the rest of the time with the friends he had gone with (it was my choice to go as 2.5 hours was great, but I didn't want to over-do the first meeting).

That evening he messaged me to tell me how much he had enjoyed meeting and spending time with me and to thank me for joining at the event and for making the time to join him.

He also said that he was very keen for us to pursue a friendship. He told me I was pretty, interesting, fun to be with and that he had had a really lovely time with me, and that he thought that the two of us got on really well. He was quite gushing! I wrote back to say thank you very much and yes I too had a very nice time and would also like to pursue our friendship - I wasn't gushing, just polite.

That was 6 days ago and I have heard nothing from him since.

My questions are:

1. Do you think I put him off by being a bit aloof in my response to his slightly gushing message?

2. Do you think he is still interested?

3. Should I drop him a quick message to just say hello, hope all is well with you - basically to show him that I am interested?

4. Do you have any idea why he hasn't contacted me?

Sorry for the long question and thank you all very much in advance for your answers.

View related questions: divorce, facebook

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015):

Six days is not a long time for someone who isn't invested. He may be sorting things out or is just busy with everyday life. For now you're just another friend he finds attractive and had a good time with. If he doesn't contact you in another week and you are still interested in pursuing the relationship, then give him a call but proceed slowly and find out as much about him as possible before taking things seriously. Many internet relationships turn out fine but I personally only know of one person who had one and turned out to be a total disaster just months after they married. Proceed with caution!

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2015):

boo22 agony auntHi

I think your response was great so dont concern yourself with that.

Im trying to put myself in your shoes. If i were you i would not message him again, no way

Who knows why hes on the missing list but it does suggest he is a bit unreliable.

This other woman is suspicious in my view so try to stop putting anymore emotional investment in this guy till he gets back in touch and you find out why the silence.

Its a bit of a weird scenario so bow out gracefully till you know more.

Good luck x

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (30 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI didn't think you were aloof in your response. I think he is still interested but likes to take things slow so the women he dates would not get too attached. It's also sort of a test to see if you can still be cool and patient. I didn't like how he mentions that widow friend, as if all interactions should be done so he won't compare you to her. It also gives you the impression that he's the kind that gets pressured from constant contact, even if he didn't say so directly. I think he hasn't contacted you either because he is on a different timeline or the above reason. He needs time to cool off because he has a tendency to rush things, get people to fall in love, then decide they are not right for each other. Before you think about contacting him, be prepared that this is a person who blows hot and cold, then wonder why women get attached and wonder about his behavior. I think he's put off by needy women more than aloof ones.

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