A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello, i am in emotional dilemma right now. to be honest that is an understatement. i am in hell because everything that is going on with my life is in turmoil.i don't know if i should marry my bf for 10 years.i don't know what to do? i only have 1 bf all my life and i am very happy with the thought of being with the same person all my life.i started a relationship with him when i was 20 years old. i did not feel any physical or sexual attraction with him to begin with, but because i was so eager to have a love life, i accepted him. i felt that was the perfect time because i remained single until my parents allowed me to have a bf until i reached 18. while all my friends started to have relationships left and right, i stayed being a good girl solely focused on my studies.he was very persistent and courted me for months and months. i said to myself, why not give it a try and maybe it will work out since he was a very nice guy. so calm, honest, faithful, generous, hardworking. what more could i ask for? despite the lack of chemistry, i accepted him to be my bf. our relationship was very peaceful and loving and we respect each other tremendously. everyone are so jealous of our relationship. initially, i cringed when we first kissed. i almost felt sick with that. but i said to myself. he is a nice guy and u might never find that same person again in your whole lie. but i continued the relationship and gradually learn to love him.i can say that i am good girlfriend and i know i love him with all my heart.then i went abroad to study and meet a wonderful guy. i did not see my bf for some years and we managed to maintain a long distance relationship. that new guy was my strength while i was abroad , offered me all the support that i need. i can say that all the qualities i am looking for in a guy is with him. there is intense spark, chemistry and physical attraction. but i distant myself knowing i will soon come back and marry my long term bf.he knows this fact and is very understanding. he even gave me advice on how i will managed my relationship with my bf once we get married. despite the fact that he love, he let me go. he don't want to destroy my relationship with my bf.when i came home from abroad, that was the time when everything went downhill. i started to doubt my feelings and almost had panic attack knowing that i will not be able to see that new guy again. when my bf touched me, i cringe. that same feeling when we first kiss came back. i just want to run away from him, i do not know what i am feeling. but i say to myself, how can u do that to someone u love and who loves u for many years now. he proposed to me and give me a nice ring, but i feel sick in my stomach about saying yes. i said yes because i have to. this is what i need to do. what kind of person i am having to let him be in pain. i am thinking about the new guy and i feel he is the one for me. but i cannot leave my bf. he is very good to me. my guilt is making me crazy. i do not know what to do?should i marry my bf or not? i am losing my health over this. for the first time in my life, i do not know where my life is heading.
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jealous, long distance, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I second Sensitive Bloke. If you don't feel any physical attraction for him, then , for you, he's not a diamond- he's a rhinestone at best.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (4 February 2013):
 If there's no physical attraction then he's not a diamond!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your response.
but i am scared maybe i will lost a diamond,because i was so busy picking stones :(
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A
female
reader, kittens  +, writes (29 January 2013):
you need to maybe talk with the bf you are live with and tell hin how u feel abut the other-honest is best thing for any off us!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): You are overestimating your importance here. Breaking up with him is not going to kill him. He will get over you in due time. And when he does he will some day find a woman who can give him more than you can. Your sense of guilt is misplaced. You should feel more guilty about misleading him into marriage where he will he deprived of genuine affection.
As for being worried you'll never find anyone as "good " as him. Clearly his "goodness " doesn't make you happy enough so why worry about losing out on it?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (28 January 2013):
He's not perfect: you're not physically attracted to him!
Deep down I think you know marrying him is wrong, but you just can't bring yourself to end it. Letting go of him is the most loving thing to do, and the best thing for his happiness and yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): No don't marry him as it will be unfair to him. He deserves the freedom to find a new woman who will desire him fully and feel more for him than you do. As long as you stay with him you are trapping him and making him waste his time and energy on you.
You know how it felt with the other guy. That is how you should feel towards a partner. It is also how your current bf should have his gf feel about him. You are not the woman for him since you don't feel that way about him.
Yes it will cause a lot of pain and guilt if you break up with him. But to carry on will just delay and increase it as even more years go by
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for the response. but how i can live my life with so much guilt? what if i cannot find a man as wonderful as him? loyal, honest and hardworking. he is perfect. i cant stand the thought of hurting him. but im just worried if i marry him, there will problems that may arise that will hurt him even more. actually i dont have peace of mind now. i am dying a slow and painful death.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 January 2013):
 No this is just a recipe for disaster. Why don't you want to be happy? Yes this will hurt for the time being to call it off, but you will move on. Agreeing to spend your life with someone you shouldn't be with, that will hurt for years and years.
Yes you are talking about honeymoon feelings, but you need those feelings and that spark to make it. Both to remember it when you fall into lulls later on, and because that spark will still be there for when you rekindle it. If it was never there, there's just nothing to go on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): Never. When you find a candidate with the qualities desired you will flee. Don't sell yourself short. If alive there is still hope.
If you were a corpse your idea would fly.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (25 January 2013):
No, you should not marry him. Physical atraction is very important and respecting someone for being a good person is simply not enough for marrying someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): One you are married you are going to pine for the guy you love and be more miserable.
I suggest you tell your "fiance", that this is not working out , you have both grown apart and you need space and no promises but for now just friends.
You will regret marrying you fiance as you are in love with someone else.
You are just a nice person that cares for other people's feelings and at this point sacrificing your own happiness. Also is it fair to him, to be with a woman that cant stand being intimate and does not love him. Let him also find someone that can love him the way he deserves.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Hi
You don't HAVE to marry him at all, you are pretty confused now too and the other guy is not the answer.
Maybe you should try being single and not depending on a man to make you happy.You don't need to lean on anyone, you can survive being single.
Your boyfriend deserves to be set free so he can find a girl who DOES love him, who has the chemistry and physical attraction for him. And thats not you is it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): i don't think you should marry him. i wouldn't normally be so blunt about a decision, but i just think this is a mistake. i would call it off, and maybe you two can remain the best of friends (which is what it sounds like you two are - certainly not lovers) and you won't lose him. i can't believe you've spent so many years in a relationship where there never was a spark at all. and not only that, but you would actually CRINGE when he kissed you. that's not normal, babe. you're missing out on so many things, and you're still very young. i think you need to experience what love is all about. and yes, friendship is a part of that. but not all of it. you've never had amazing sex that's intimate and bonding. you've never kissed him and felt explosive fireworks. it's supposed to give you that high that you're floating on the clouds. Of course, this is the honeymoon phase i'm speaking of, but still. i believe you should experience those things together. you said you experienced all of this with that other man. i'm not saying you should be with him instead. but now you see what it's SUPPOSED to be like.i have been in your shoes before. i dated this wonderful girl for about a year. i always battled with myself whether i should stay with her or not because there was no spark at all, but we got along fantastically. she was my best friend and everything i thought i'd wanted. well after a while, i realized it wasn't what made me happy. there was so much missing, that i couldn't sacrifice my happiness to stay with her. and i realized she deserved me letting go of her because in the long run, she'd find a man who loved her the way she loved me. so while you may feel like you can't hurt him, you may in fact only be hurting him worse by staying. food for thought. anyway, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): Staying with someone out of guilt, duty, fear, obligation are the worst things ever. DO not prolong your suffering ( yours and his) end this relationship now, and please do yourself a favor do not get married, it won't last! Your confusion will just increase, you've made up your mind about marrying him now you're reluctant to go back, but I'd revisit this idea. By staying with bf out of pity you're denying yourself and him of true happiness, You're young, let him find someone who loves him back who doesn't loathe his touch, and go find happiness with someone else you're attracted to! sex is really important in marriage as well not only love, or some stupid sense of obligation you're imposing yourself. if you cringe when he touches you can you imagine sleeping and waking up with him everyday?
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