A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I apologize for the novel and thank you in advance to those who take the time to read and offer any advice!I am a 24 yr old female with a daughter and have been in a relationship with 27yr old male for a little over a year and a half now. He is amazing and such a good man over all to both my daughter and I. One of his very few flaws is that he becomes very awkward in tough situations when it comes to his personal life or his family.He once told himself he would never be with a woman who had children but here he is promising to love me and all for moving forward. However it was not always like this. He comes from a very old school and judgmental family who wanted nothing to do with me and tried to convince him to leave me because I had a child out of wed lock at a younger age and am still struggling with a divorce.It took him about 6 months for him to bring me around to his family which I understood due to the kind of thoughts his family first had of me. I am now around them very frequently (when my daughter is with her father) and they seem to genuinely like me and like me for him since I have managed to make him "a better person".But now here's my actual problem.. He has yet to bring my daughter around his family. She has never been invited to any family event of his or even set foot in his house and he claims it's because he's scared his family will give her a dirty look or make a comment that will upset me. This has been a fight about 3 times now and to be honest I almost feel like a bad mother for not pushing this harder and I realize maybe my mistake was meeting his parents at all with out her by my side but she was spending 2 weeks with her father out of state for a family event at that time.But since then he has made no attempt to make this happen and when it's brought up he gets all awkward and I don't know what more I can say or do. I feel like I'm letting him make her non existent to his family and makes me question myself as a mother which in turn makes me feel like I need to leave this entire situation.Am I right in feeling this way? Or do I let him handle this his own way? I feel like I've let this go on too far and that my daughter deserves better, even though he personally is great with her..
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 If I were in your shoes I would find it terribly offensive to have my child frowned upon to the point of exclusion. I mean really- she is an innocent child for pete sake. To be treated as such ,to me, is bullying. I think he is incredibly selfish to think that he feels this is an acceptable standard of behaviour for you to put up with for the length of time that you have already, especially when he chose to be in a relationship with you. It is his responsibility to really show how AMAZING he can be and man up to his family 'IF' and I say if because you are just going by what he 'THINKS' may happen, they make a fuss. You will always have your daughter and if he, or they can't accept that then where do you see this relationship going?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 I think my vote would be to keep the daughter from experiencing a judgmental family to the extent that they pretend someone doesn’t exist because it doesn’t fit into pre-conceived notions. It’s possible and probable based on their behavior that you will always be considered a less-than type of person. (Less than suitable, less than appropriate, less than deserving of dignified treatment, is what I mean)
Not for nothing, he’s the son and is perfectly happy with the status quo until it’s questioned. And he certainly didn’t hesitate to convey their nasty and judgmental thoughts about you to you, did he? Not such a wonderful move on his part.
Next! Your daughter deserves better. Your job is to provide that for her, and his family sound, well, awful.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2016):
 What you are dealing with is fear and preconceived notions. No one is actually getting hurt. Your daughter is shielded from the knowledge that there are judgmental people who may look down on single parents and their children. A lot of parents have very high standards, sometimes too high. Sometimes it's a front they put out. At the end they soften up and say, they just want their children to be happy.
Your boyfriend did not hide your daughter from them out of disrespect, but rather out of fear that someone would get hurt.
You need to see this as a progression happening, rather than an obstacle. It may not happen as fast as you liked. Overall, things improved when after 6 months that you got to see them. Your boyfriend just needs a little encouragement and to realize that he got too pessimistic about his family.
If you visit his parents frequently and you are confident that they like you, maybe you can gradually add your daughter in your conversations. Slowly and slowly see if they take an interest. One day they may say they want to see her. When one of them has a birthday, you can even tell your daughter to make a card and sign it. This will be a great introduction to their meeting beforehand. Your boyfriend is just in the middle, afraid of moving out of his comfort zone. Your boyfriend isn't sure what to do until an opportunity is handed out to him. He needs to hear from their parents' mouth that it's their decision to see her.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2016):
 I believe you've described a classic case of a man (a son) allowing his family how to run his life. The issue is clearly his (and your's).
Sit him down and tell him that:
1. You and your daughter are a "package".... and he MUST accept that if he is going to continue to see you,... and,
2. You will NOT compromise your daughter's well-being... (or, your own) based upon how HIS family views you and your daughter....
It needs to be perfectly clear (to him) that YOU will make such a decision based upon HIS behaviour.... AND that you are not averse to parting ways with him, if staying with him means your daughter has to pay a price.
Simply enough, no?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2016):
 I think for you daughter's sake it's a good thing she hasn't been exposed to his family yet. Seriously.
How anyone can blame a little kid is beyond me.
But I would sit him down and express HOW it makes you feel. The whole :" I feel like I'm letting him make her non existent to his family and makes me question myself as a mother " Would be a good start.
I don't think you should question yourself as a mother. It's not your mothering skills they had issues with. IT was the fact that their had some rather outdated preconceived notions of "unwed mothers" and children born out of wedlock.. I mean that is pretty 1850... not 2016. And THAT is nothing something you can change overnight.
You have changed their attitude somewhat as they have noticed a change for GOOD in your BF after meeting you. So you ARE making progress, just by being YOU.
But I do think you should have a conversation with your BF about it. If he gets "awkward" don't let him off the hook. Because obviously you CHILD is a big part of WHO you are.
I think if you and your BF invited his parents out for dinner/lunch (or at his place) so they can meet your child it would be a good idea instead of having HER meet ALL of them in an unfamiliar situation.
You and your daughter is a COMPLETE package. If THEY can not accept that, and family IS important to him, then... maybe he isn't for you long term. Now I wouldn't threaten to break up if he doesn't do anything about it, but I would mentally set a deadline and if that gets reached without him doing ANYTHING to improve the situation, I'd walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): If, in every other way, he's a good partner to you then his family's thoughts and feelings become irrelevant. Yes, he should step up and tell them straight he loves you and your child too but if they are as old fashioned as you say he probably doesn't want to start an argument wth them.If I were you, if they invited you to another family event but made no mention of your daughter coming then I would tell them personally that you appreciate the invitation but you cannot come without your daughter. Then it's up to them to either suck up this stupid idea of theirs and tell you she is welcome or they show their true colours and just say "ok" and make no effort to include her. I think you did the right thing in not meeting them with her, only because if it didn't work with this guy then it could have been a bit overwhelming for her to have met these people to never see them again. Now you and this guy are more settled and serious there become a time where they have to meet her because their son will be her stepfather. If they can't handle that then you can tell your partner that you won't be with him when he sees them because you're not being treated like some second class person just because you don't fit their outdated ideas.Does you partner live with you now? The other option I would feel more comfortable with is - if you live together - you invite them over for lunch/dinner and they meet your daughter at your house. This way, they're not in control of the situation. They will be in your home and as such have to respect you and your daughter as it is her home too. She will be in comfortable surroundings and you will have every right, if they do say or do something that is clearly offensive, to ask them to leave. I hope it wouldn't come to that but at least it will be the 'my house, my rules' kind of situation. Good luck
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