A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,This is gonna be long. So if you don't have the time, you might want to click through this one, lol.My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 14 years or so. To start from the beginning, initially we got along really well. I was attracted to her awesome personality. We were younger and in love. The first sign of trouble was after we had been dating only 2 months and she got into some legal trouble. A credit card fraud issue. I just wrote it off as her being a naive, young blonde. She was indited by a grand jury, but plead down to a misdemeanor, did her community service and we moved on. We were married and shortly after she got a good job. As part of her job, she had to go to California for a month for training. Long story short, she had an affair. She was getting calls from a guy, I was suspicious and taped a call. I got to hear several hours of gory details. In retrospect, listening to the tape was a really bad idea. The audio haunts me to this day. I was gutted. I never imagined that she would ever do that. Anyway, I confronted her but we more or less moved on. Although, it still haunts me to this day.Over the years we have had a lot of financial troubles, some of her doing, some of mine, and most both of our faults.We now have two kids, and things had been going ok, not great but ok, for a few years. When she was arrested for driving drunk with our kids in the car.Another grand jury indictment, plea bargain, and community service stint later and things leveled out again. For awhile, things had been ok. But not great.Now, things are finally smoothing out some financially. However, for the past 3 or four years, I have realized that I am really unhappy with our relationship and what it has turned into. After a move, she has made a lot of new friends that she enjoys. They take what they refer to as "Girls Trips" to different places a few times a year. Last year was for 8 days in Mexico. The year before that was a week in Florida. They will also do some extended weekend trips a few times a years just basically to "hang out" together.The last extended weekend trip, after she returned, she received a call from a guy whom she had exchanged numbers with. The explanation I got was that it was completely innocent and I should trust her, because she would "never again do anything to jeopardize our relationship". I got pretty upset, did a few sessions of counseling at my request, but basically, she just dismissed my concerns as foolishness. Once again, we moved on. But now more than ever I find myself resenting her. She will go to the back porch and read all night, until bed time. It's a daily routine. She has also began to drink what I consider to be an exorbitant amount. A large bottle of vodka each week, and I mean the big bottles. Some nights she can hardly talk she is slurring so bad.A few weeks ago she showed up at my sons baseball game slurring. Of course, when I confronted her about it, she says I am nuts, or being a hypocrite, or whatever. Now they are planning another week long "girls trip" in Florida this summer. I am honestly tired of all this. Basically, I don't want her going on any more personal vacations! I want her to want to be together as a family and not sit on the back porch reading and drinking all night. And I would like to feel "connected" to my wife and loved. As it is this whole thing is just a pile of crap. Part of me just wants to move on. Now, she would say that I do my share of traveling on weekends. You see, I enjoy competitive golf. Competitive golf is my passion. I have done it for years. But I draw a clear distinction between a weekend golf tournament and a week long beach vacation. Maybe that's just me, I don't know.My wife rarely gripes or complains, and is usually in a good mood. I could probably stick this out until the kids are older with very little problem or inconvenience. I would just have to accept that this is not gonna be what I had thought it was supposed to be. I think I could do that, and for the kids sake, i may. I will however leave when my youngest graduates high school.So there it is. Should I Leave or tough it out? Should I be ok with the "girls trips"? Am I being over sensitive?Should I just do my own thing and coexist until the kids are older?Let me know what you think!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2011):
 you do your share of traveling on the weekends for your golf torneys right? how many weekends?
I do girl trips. I've done one 10 day trip a couple of weekends and many 4 or 5 day trips. always keep in touch with partner... never to meet men but I see no harm in getting away with the girls a bit esp if you are gone on weekends fairly regularly and she schedules around your time away....
the drinking and driving and endangering the kids... NOT good... have you contacted Al Anon for support? I would suggest that.
Staying till the kids are grown is not a good reason to stay. IF YOU are that unhappy, go sooner rather than later. Kids pick up on hostility and adapt amazingly well to two homes.
IF you go I would suggest you take the children with you to keep them safe from their mom who is drinking to excess.
Perhaps she reads all night till bedtime because she senses your disdain for her and it's self-preservation?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2011):
 There are just some elephants you can't sweep under the rug.
Personally, I would sit down and figure out WHAT you would need/want from her in order to make the marriage work, then talk with her about it. Maybe even try a marriage counselor.
To me it seems like she checked out of the marriage a while back and is doing "her" thing.
Staying "for the kids" is honestly not beneficial, at least not for the kids. They see and understand WAY more then you might even realize. And.. you know the saying:" monkey see - monkey do?" Which means kids will look to their parents for HOW to deal with issues, how to resolve things, how to fight... everything.
However if you do leave, are you leaving the kids with her? she seems absolutely irresponsible.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Sounds like a typical marriage to me.. Remember your vows though. 'till death do us part" Yeah, I didn't know it would take this long either.
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A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Sorry my previous post didn't get posted... so you probably think what I wrote before was coming from an idiot!What I said before was something like this(!):I think you're wife is not putting her children first and is behaving irresponsibly all round. To be caught drink driving with her children in the car was pretty awful, but to not have learnt her lesson by repeating the drinking and actually showing up to a school function drunk is totally attrocious. I feel so sorry for your family in having to deal with that in a public environment - and school no less, that is so embarrasing for your children.I think you have been really loyal and patient over the years, but I don't think you deserve the life you have been left with today.If she wants to drink and be anti-social to the rest of the family, it sounds like she really isn't interested in anyone else but her own needs? May be she would be happier if she were to be a part time parent, as what she is giving to her family now is less than half hearted. Perhaps if she saw her children less, she would spend more quality time with them?My ex and I have a 50/50 shared care arrangement (the law in this country is for fathers to have equal rights), so I don't want to completely judge her and sound perfect and self righteous, because when my daughter is with her dad, I can be party girl 'Miss Chardonay' because I am 'child-free'. But - when my daughter is with me, it's strictly good parenting and taking my daughter's needs seriously. I do this because I adore her and I enjoy putting her needs first and being her mummy. That means acting responsibly.If she still continues to be anti-social and goes to school functions drunk, on her time with the children, then you really know what her true colours are. But I think you have a pretty good idea of that by now.I think with the holidays away, you have your golf weekends, so she can have her girls weekends. But that is where she seems to be playing up. Too many suspicious incidents do not sound as though she's behaving the way a wife should behave. Plus, with her past, I don't blame you for feeling suspicious.If you want to walk away and try to make the best of your life, you have my complete support and understanding.If she could make some positive changes to her lifestyle and you still have love in your heart for her, than I wish you luck with everything. But from what you have written here, it sounds like the love you had for her has long been disintegrated over the years due to her actions.Good luck with everything and I hope you yourself find love and happiness after all these years. x
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Dear friend,I would definetly take in consideration all the advices that have been given to you in this post. As you can see, they were not bias at all. These were good advices and all of them were very honest with you. I could see that you love your wife very much, you have been a very forgiven husband. I migh also add that you are a man with integrity, responsible, kind and wise. You are very strong, because I wouldn't be able to handle a person like your wife. I have no right to judge your wife. You know her better, but I can see that you love her very much and its hard...As per your questions:1) You're not happy, you both are living seperate lives. Its not fair to you and your kids. Your wife might have her issues too, so all the problems needs to be solve in order to have a happy, normal life. Problems don't just go away, need to be fix. 2) "girls trip" every year? 8 days away from the family alone? No way! We all need our time out, we have stress, need to vent, etc, but your wife does this "girls trip" girls out" too often..3) You too sensitive? No way! You have been nothing but, very patience, fair husband. If something bothers you, your wife should understand you and listen to you. Or at least, meet in the middle. Its very hard to not make a comment about your wife, but she's very selfish. 4) Wait until the kids get older? No way! You spent 14 years of your life with your wife. You have to fix your marriage, if not its better to go seperate ways. *bottom line, we're not here to tell you what to do, nobody is perfect, nobody have the perfect relationship, perfect life... We all have our ups and downs, part of life is communicating, understanding, marriage is sharing the problems and trying to make it better. I hope your wife is willing to work things out with you...I know its a difficult situation. You have kids to think about. But, sometimes difficult decisions need to be made. You and your children deserve to be happy. Don't feel overwhelmed, take your time to evaluate everything. Talk to a lawyer, gather all the information necessary.. When you approach your wife, be calm and nice to her. Wish you, your wife and family good luck. I hope you stay together and work things out together. Good luck! Pls keep us post
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): You poor thing. It sounds like you have more than enough stress in your life right now. Your post reads like a loving man at the end of his tether. To begin with, I don't think your perceptions of the issues are way off. Clearly, there is an alcohol problem in the frame here. Clearly, there are long term issues to do with responsibility, financial and sexual. And yes, I'd be bothered about the trips too. I'm not a big fan of them, for guys or girls. I think it's much healthier for men and women to socialize together on the whole. A night in with the girls, for a bit of girly talk and catchup? Sure! A sports game with the boys, for a bit of rebonding? No problem! But days and days away, in bars, kind of faking being single? I honestly don't think that's very healthy for a relationship. My question to you is this: why do you think your wife is acting this way? It is not the behaviour of a happy, settled person. It's desperate, sad, and out of control, to the point that I'm tempted to ask whether your wife has had a psychiatric evaluation because some of her behaviour sounds bipolar. Normally, when people behave in such an obviously teenage way over the age of 21, it's because they have major issues in their past, or huge frustrations in their daily life. Perhaps they've learned damaging patterns of attention-seeking, risk-taking behaviour. Maybe they're sick. Whatever, there's usually a pretty big explanation. It seems like you've tried your best to confront that - maybe it's time for one last shot? I think you should approach this in as non-confrontational a spirit as you can, as a caring and loving partner who is desperately worried rather than as an exasperated, angry, and frustrated man (though you have every reason to be all of those things!) Trying not to lose your rag can be very tough, as she'll probably try to put you in the wrong by making you angry. Stay, calm, and be firm with the idea that her behaviour is not normal or healthy. Tell her that you simply can't cope with the behaviour any more, and that unless she seeks to change, you can't see any future together. She'll be defensive, pleading, angry, aggressive, and pitiful - but stay firm and quiet. Try to keep reaching her emotionally, asking her why she does this, why she is in so much pain, what hurts so much? Don't let her fob you off with superficial explanations - the real reason runs very deep. If you can't reach her, then make sure that any ultimatum you raise is something you fully intend to stick to. She has to know that there are consequences to her actions here, and that she needs to take responsibility if she's not to lose you. It needs to work like clockwork: if you say 'clean up your act, or I leave in a month' you have to be prepared to leave at a month to the day. I know it seems cruel, but that tough love of being prepared to go through with a separation is the only way to reach people, especially if they're used to threats that never become real. She thinks you will just keep taking this - and she's been right in the past. Time to change up.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 You haven't described someone who agrees that there's a problem. She's living her own happy little life doing what she wants, and to this point you've accommodated her, so why change?
I'm not one to advise leaving. But there are situations in which it is the best option. She has put your children in danger by driving impaired -- that's huge. She's vacationing regularly without the family, and not conducting herself in a manner above suspicion whilst doing so. IMHO you have plenty to be unhappy with here.
You haven't said how old your kids are, but you must have at least six years until the youngest graduates. That's a long time to have your life on hold.
Personally if she weren't prepared to acknowledge that you have legitimate issues and to do something to address them, I'd leave, and sooner rather than later. You would be smart to consult a divorce attorney and discuss what preliminary (before you say anything to her) steps you should take, and in particular what you can do to get custody of the kids. Once you have your ducks in a row, explain to her that you're serious about leaving, and give her a last chance to straighten up.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (26 May 2011):
Sorry I thought you meant drinking a big bottle a day not a week. Not as bad as I thought - but still NOT good...
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (26 May 2011):
Hmm, this does not sound good and if you choose to leave this 'marriage', I completely understand why. She is not just 'borderline-alcoholic' by the way, she is Full-Blown. A LARGE bottle of Vodka a DAY is way over the top, it's a HUGE alcoholic you are married to... Be grateful that your children seem to be older or child protection authorities could have stepped in when she had the drink driving charge and also when she showed up drunk at the school.My concern is she is not showing responsible motherly love to her children by rocking up to school drunk, or by reading and drinking herself to sleep everynight either. Sounds extremely selfish. That's where as a mother, she loses my respect. Maybe she does resent your competition Golf weekends away. This is a valid issue, so I can understand her wanting to go away for weekends with the girls, it's only reasonable. I think the problem however is that she has blown your trust, and to be honest, it doesn't sound like you are in love with her anymore. It sounds like this is the final straw in a big long haystack after all that she has done, you have just had enough because simply, you have lost interest in her. And I can't say I completely blame you.I think if you separated, it might be for the best, as you both are not truly happy in this relationship. Children do sense that lack of love and respect between their parents. And you don't want to look back on your life and think I wasted all of my prime years with a woman who did nothing much for me but only gave me insecurities about if she was looking elsewhere, etc.If you do decide to separate, you can have a shared-care arrangement with your children, and tell her she can do whatever she wants when the kids are with you, but to make sure that when she has the children to behave herself and no drinking in excess. I have the same arrangement with my ex and we share our daughter 50/50 (custody laws in Australia).Also, I am not a complete tee-totaller so I am not judging your wife. In fact, for the week when my daughter is with her father, I can be the life of the Party if I want (on occassion my closest friends have been known to call me 'Miss Chardonnay'!) - but, I can do this because I have the freedom to let live and I can play poker or go dancing with my partner with no responsibilities so to speak as I am 'child-free' for the week. (I must say being nearly 5 months pregnant though has somewhat dampened my lifestyle - no more late nights and chardy's for Samantha!)Maybe your wife could do that on her week off from the children. She will have the freedom to go out with the girls and drink as much as she wants on her free time (and that is certainly a lot of drinking she is doing..!) without you having to witness her anti-social behaviour. She will have no excuses to say that she isn't getting enough free time. If she stuff's up again, then you will be even more justified in your actions of having left a self-focussed individual.I understand that you just want a good partner, who uplifts you, makes you feel loved and valued and that is only fair. I think you deserve it for being so loyal for so long. If your wife could become more loving, interact more with you as a wife and as a mother, hang in there and try and make it work. But from what you have posted, it doesn't sound as if she is interested in changing for the better, or cutting down on her drinking?Good luck and I hope things work out for you.Sammy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I hate to say it, but I don't think you can do anything to improve your marriage because your wife seems not to be the least bit interested in it. She's living her own life without you. going on vacations without you, meeting new men...she claims that she's not doing anything with them, but she has a history of infidelity so I would find it suspicious if she is now once again exchanging phone numbers with new men and yet claiming there's nothing more than that. She says she would never do anything to jeopardize the marriage again because she's learned her lesson the first time?? if that's true then she wouldn't be exchanging numbers with new men!! I think what she means is that she's going to make sure to cover up her tracks so you don't find out again - that's her definition of jeopardizing the marriage!she also has a drinking problem, obviously. And now the reading all night by herself shows that she's just living her own life inside her head, and with her own friends. she probably has huge problems hence her drinking. But she's not sharing any of what's inside her head with you. You're not in the picture as far as she's concerned except as a room mate.You can't change other people. You can't make someone want to care about you if they don't. the fact that most of your marriage has been like this makes me think that it's not going to change no matter what you do. It's not like the flame went out and you're trying to rekindle it - there never was a flame to begin with.the fact that you describe the history of your relationship as "things were OK, not great but OK"... amid her infidelities, drunk driving charges, financial troubles and so on....makes me think you have a very low standard for marriage and that you never really cared about your relationship either. So, why now?the fact that you say "I could probably stick this out until the kids are older with very little problem or inconvenience. I would just have to accept that this is not gonna be what I had thought it was supposed to be."shows that you are still apathetic about your relationship. I don't think you have what it takes to work on your marriage, and she is certainly not interested in the marriage at all. So your options are to either except that this is the kind of marriage you have and will probably always have and to live your own life too, or leave her. Divorce is traumatic and a huge upheaval so I suspect you will probably just continue to live in your marriage the way it is, going from the history of it and your present feelings towards it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Drunk driving with kids in the car? Drinking a bottle of vodka each week? Showing up to your son's baseball game drunk? No matter what happens, she needs help before it gets out of control, for your childrens sake.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 You and your wife certainly have a lot of issues going on. I suppose you have tried to talk with her about what you want from your marriage, your hopes and expectations from her and asked her what she wants?
She doesn't sound as if she has a good "ethical standard" - getting indicted for credit card fraud; involving herself with other men, and values her own pleasures even if they're not what you want - extended trips with "the girls". Of course, having an alcohol addiction is a big problem........
You two may be completely mismatched - or may have become so. Sometimes that happens, I'm afraid.
And no, I don't think you're being overly sensitive. If you want to try to have a better life with her, you'll have to confront her straight on with the things that are making a wreck of your relationship, and see if she will try to get treatment for her alcoholism and go to counseling - either with you and/or on her own if she wants to do better with her life.
Otherwise, sorry to say, I don't really see what else you can do, except to call it quits, sooner or later.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 To answer your question briefly, only you can decide for yourself if you should leave or not.
Generally speaking it sounds like you've had a rocky relationship to say the least. Your wife is a borderline alcoholic -- perhaps she should seek treatment or help or at least investigate a self-help group like AA. Drunk driving is a dangerous game and she is putting you financially at risk if she is driving around in a drunk state. If she kills someone (or your children), you will be wiped out even with the best of insurance. I think this is a case to seek divorce sooner rather than later (in my opinion three justifiable reasons for divorce are: addiction, adultery and abuse).
I am not a fan of "girl trips" -- especially if she is giving out her phone number to a guy. It just smells fishy and I don't think you are overreacting. I think she should be going with whenever possible to your competitive golf trips as well. With her girl trips, I think she is playing a playing a dangerous game or worse, she had a one night stand. Typically, married woman who are on the level don't give out their numbers to guys...
I know you are hurting, but I think you have to weigh the risk of what your wife is putting your children through versus the harm of a potential divorce would do to them. Also, you will need to determine how much you can take before it begins to affect your relationship with your children. Personally, I think you should also seek a therapist for yourself -- simply to sort out what you are thinking. I think they will be able to give you tools that will allow you to make a rational decision.
I think though if you want to repair your relationship, that you do talk to her heart to heart. See what she is thinking and express your concern about her drinking. I suspect she is going to blow you off, but hopefully you'll be able to get in a little ways with her and make her realize that her behavior is hurting you and your children.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Why on earth did you even have kids with her when your marriage was already in the toilet from her affair and other stuff?? what were you thinking?? now you see how you are trapped because you chose to go ahead and ignore the red flags and not fix your marriage instead you let it be the way it was and chose to bring two innocent kids into this dysfunctional household. since you and your wife aren't fighting a lot just completely detached, I'd say you should just tough it out until your kids grow up. I doubt marriage counseling will improve your marriage because after her affair, and I'd say chances are she's probably had another one or at least an emotional affair, and there is zero trust in your marriage between both of you, and now your wife very obviously is completely detached from you and content (or resigned) to live her own life..it looks like there's not much to be done to save the marriage. If you were fighting, it means she still cares. But she's not even fighting she's just gone off doing her own thing which means she no longer cares about the marriage and is just living her own life.therefore, yes you should just coexist with your wife until your kids are grown. You had your chance to leave her, BEFORE you brought kids into the world together, and you didn't. Since you and your wife aren't fighting a lot, if you were to divorce now it would be real hard on your kids because to them, everything was going great before. you have to do what's right for your kids cos it's not about you anymore.
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A
male
reader, Cadien +, writes (26 May 2011):
 I don't pretend to be an expert, but if I was in this situation I would leave. My parents separated when I was young, it was rough for a while be they remained friends and it worked out fine. I know some of my old friends who's parents can't stand each other, but have remained together for a long time. You can feel that it's not a family like it use to be. Wouldn't surprise me if your kids have picked up on the issues between you and your wife as well.And assuming I am reading this right, she was drinking and driving with the kids in the car? That is insanely stupid, got to look out for your kids. If thats the type of things she does with hem when your not around doesn't sound like you should stay with her for their benefit.
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