A
male
age
51-59,
*irdsong
writes:My ex-wife had an affair with one of our best friends. It was very physical, and they exchanged a lot of sex talk and intimate photographs of each other which i still have. When i discovered the affair i copied as much as i could as it went along before confronting her about it. This man's wife doesn't know of this affair, which i dont really think i shoild reveal. Their kids are friends with our kids I feel awful having this secret that none of her friends or our family/kids know about. What should i do...??
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 January 2021):
 You have nothing to gain from revealing this secret. You probably have quite a bit to lose since your kids are very close to his. I wouldn't say anything. I get where you're coming from, I do, but even so, I wouldn't say anything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): This was a slip here:
"If you don't plan on divorcing your wife; I don't think you need to blow-up the other family."
I meant to say:
"If you have divorced your wife; I don't think you need to blow-up the other family."
Vengeance sought long after the fact tends to backfire. Stewing in bitterness is self-consuming. If you didn't tell her back when you first discovered the affair; don't destroy the lives of their children for the sake of a brief moment of satisfaction. What would you gain anyway?
Trust me, a cheater always cheats again. She probably always knew about it, and his life is a living hell. He's probably there strictly to support his family; and there's probably no love lost between them. Some women won't divorce their cheating husbands. Instead, she'll keep him locked in a hellacious marriage; until she buries him, and collects his life insurance and pension. Then dance on his grave!
Romans 12:19_
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to God’s wrath, for it is written: “Vengeance is Mine. I will repay,” says the Lord."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): Hi
I think there has been enough hurt and on this one better to let sleeping dogs lie, move forward and don't look back.
Shame to spoil the young friendships and lets face it, who will have to be the ones ashamed if ever found out.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 January 2021):
 I can completely understand why you hurt and your desire to tell the other wife. However, before you go ahead and do this, ask yourself does the other wife deserve to be hurt? Her hurt will not help to heal yours. You and she are the two innocent parties in this situation, along with the children. If you reveal the affair to her and it leads to her ending her marriage, the children will suffer as well. Also you need to remember that the adulterous husband may blag his way out of the accusations and convince his wife you are lying.
As I said, I do completely understand why you would contemplate doing this. However, lashing out to hurt others because YOU are hurting will not help you. I think, in years to come, you will feel proud of yourself for resisting the urge to get revenge in this way. You will come out the better and stranger person. Hold your head high, stay away from your ex and build yourself a new life. If you can't bring yourself to destroy the evidence, at the very least put it away somewhere and don't keep looking at it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): Try to go your own way. This sorry mess now has nothing to do with you. Keep your counsel and let the kids' friendship be unscathed. His wife may even know.
If I were you I would be consoled by the thought that affairs happen constantly, you can't control the lives of all the people who are involved in affairs, or whose partners are involved in affairs. You can't heal the world.
I would also disabuse myself of the notion that because this man is a police officer, that he is, or should be above normal human behaviour. He isn't. At work, yes, but at home, in his own private life, he is just another flawed human being. Abusive people are found in all walks of life, the police, the judicial system, doctors, the church etc. People who have affairs are also found in all walks of life and it is a rather innocent view to believe otherwise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): Keep it to yourself. Just about everyone knows of cheaters. The good people keep it to themselves. Also it's embarrassing to have a wife cheat on you. I would destroy the pictures of him but keep the ones of her as mementos to ogle. But never ever show them to others.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): If you didn't find out about the affair on your own would you have wanted someone to tell you? My guess is you would have. I know i would. Do you think the wife of the affair partner would also want to know? If you think she would tell her then she can make her own choices.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): Thanks all. Yes, its a heavy burden. We were married when I discovered the affair and are now getting a divorce.
I appreciate that keeping it a secret is best, but gosh its hard. Especially when I see my ex- and his wife still being friends etc
The man involved is a police offer, which really grates on me because he should know better than to behave in this way. It makes it worse and I think somehow he should be exposed. Perhaps he does this with other women too?
I feel it was all so fundamentally WRONG on every moral grounds I can think of, and I hate seeing my ex- and him going about their businesses as if it never happened when I struggle with the pain of it all.
On the occasion when I meet with his wife, I feel very sorry for her
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (14 January 2021):
 I can't see how it would benefit you in any way by divulging this secret.
If she was your wife then maybe so, but as she is your ex wife i really don't see the point in saying anything, you would unnecessarily destroy a happy family.
I think you need to put this to bed now and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): If you are no longer married to her then it is non of your business what she does or she doesn't unless you want to revenge from her. My advice let it go and start looking forward not back. start living your own life if you want to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): There are kids in this situation. His kids happen to be friends of your kids. For the sake of the innocents, keep it all to yourself. Deal with your spouse. These are adult problems.
If a divorce ensues; it is likely that is when all the ugly details will come-out. If you don't plan on divorcing your wife; I don't think you need to blow-up the other family.
Just as you've discovered the affair, his wife probably has some gut-feeling herself. Wives tend to snoop on their husband's phones, just like you snooped on your wife's phone. As much as you want to get even, put your kids first. My guess is she has suspected all the while; and she's trying to spare the kids until she figures-out what to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 January 2021):
 I guess that it's a sucky secret to keep, but I think you are a day late and a dollar short in exposing them. You should had done it when you filed for divorce.
You want to expose them out of anger towards them, NOT for your ex-friend's wife's sake. If you felt SHE needed to know... you would have told her LONG ago.
Also do you see anything good come from this?
Gather all the "evidence" and either put it a safety deposit box or burn it. Let it go. Don't let THEIR actions make your life miserable.
Upwards and onwards!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2021):
 Keep it a secret.
In fact, unless you have some legal reason for holding on to their intimate photos and correspondence, I would destroy them.
Your kids deserve to enjoy their friendships unburdened by the misdeeds of their parents.
His marriage is his business, and you don't know for certain what she knows or doesn't know. She might be playing dumb but staying until the kids are older.
You're not married to your wife, so you don't have to live with her and wonder what she's doing. It's done.
No need to torment others with what you know.
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