A
male
age
51-59,
*f69
writes:Several years ago my wife and I had a real problem. My wife moved in with another man. We had 2 young children (2 and 3). At first she asked me to move out and take the kids with me. Anything my wife really wants I will do (within reason). A good friend said to me "You dont take your kids and leave" So I informed my wife our family was going to stay in our home. She quickly packed a few bags and walked out. She went straight to the pizza delivery guy. I had just been diagnosed with pnemonia, I was phisacally drained and emotionally devastated. This is the guy she had been sneeking around with. I instantly got into counseling, I needed help. Like many guys I was spending too much time with work and to little time working to make a strong relationship. I made time for the kids but not anough with my wife. Several months went by with the kids getting regular visitation with the mother. My wife kept in somwhat regular contact with me. The "New guy" seemed to have a drug problem (Crack addict) She asked for money to help her survive. I gave it to her. The money went to there apartment and his (business ventures). This guy was worse than me!!! He took the money and dissapeared for periods of time. After several months of this I started divorce procedings. At this point My wife said she wanted to give the marrige another try. I said OK I will work hard for my wife and kids. Counseling went right to work...I saw my short commings and went to work on them. I was a great provider but a lousy husband. I learned to listen and made as much time as possible to work on the relationship. The big problem I ignored was the relationship with the new guy. She said he was just a friend. I think he was her lover. She had been sneaking around with him long before she left me. Several years went by. 2 more kids came and I kept our marrige front and center. I listen...I do what a great husband would do.Heres the problem, I think the relationship was sexual. She swears it wasnt. I have seen her lie about many things, Things that are in our best interest. ( I was speeding to get my child to a restroom) (I mailed out that payment on time) She displays certain manerisms when she lies. The same manerisms exist when she says she didnt have sex with the crack addict. She swears to her confidants that she wasnt screwing him. I think she has invested in a lie.She will never admit to the sex.What kind of relationship can we have when the trust is not there? Im almost posative it was sexual. She says it was nothing. With no trust how strong is the relationship? There are 4 children involved here (4,5 14 .15. With the trust issue the relationship is vulnerable to exploitation by 3rd parties. Both her or I could be drawn into an affair if somone manipulated us in this area.I try to talk to her about this but she says "You will need to leave if you ask me about this" She gets mad when I ask for details about the Crack addicts relationship with her. This is eating at me. If I think about the childrens best interest I feel I should end the relationship because the lies will eventually lead to destruction. Should I ignore what I think are lies and go forward as long as possible. Emotionally I cant take abandonment again. I am not strong anough for the kids and a lying wife. My question is do I do what is in the childrens best interest or do I take my chances with what I think is a lying wife? Please give me all opinions.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, money, moved in, period, she lies Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): to SF, please find peace, my brother. you are not alone and i wish you well going forward.
however these words "....There are still lies......" speaks volumes.
A
male
reader, sf69 +, writes (14 September 2009):
sf69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am ending this thread now. Thank
you all for the responses sf69
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 September 2009):
 I'm going to stick my foot in it one more time . . . .
Forgiving someone means that it never happened. How can you heal your soul by rubbing salt in to open wounds. IT does Mr. sf69 no good to know every detail. It does him no good to force Mrs sf69 to make payments to him on a debt that has been paid. If you would read the rest of the Bible and put it into practice you would know that the debt is paid. You would also know that in a marriage the partners must be equally yoked. And, last but not least you would know that love is not proud or selfish. It is long suffering.
Okay, what I am trying to say is enough with the submit all the time. Vengeance is not your right, and, ironically, it isn't making you feel better.
One more thing, stop taking advice on how to be a man from your friends. They are only teaching you how to pad your pride.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, sf69 +, writes (14 September 2009):
sf69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt looks like my wife (Mrs sf69 ?) Has found this site (hi honey) I dont hide things so finding this is easy for her.......Anyways many of the people who commented (Thankyou all) Are probably on target with one common but difficult recomendation..."just let it go" and "forgive her" I am well aware that to move on i will need to do this. My wife and I have talked more about this...There are still lies, some dont seem to amount to much but why lie? Many years ago I talked to a counselor about this whole mess (not the lieing) The forgivness and move on part. He said "even though this really bothers you,you dont need to show it or talk about it" So thats what I did for a long time..It bothered me..One of my close friends said it would bother him too if he were in my shoes. So eventually this subject would roll around again I would ask some questions and get a diferent set of answers..This made me think about it more. To never think about this again would take some doing (I am hoping visiting the pastor....many times will help.) To respond to my wifes post...I will work harder in the areas you mention. Ill get the kids to pick up afterthemselves (hopefully at least some) I can help with dishes more but I will have to hide it (already do this) or else I hear the "you probably want somthing " speech. I really wish I would have avoided the mistakes I made that contributed to this problem... Heres the question. Is it possible or even wise to forget about dishonesty and move on in our marrige? Thankyou everyone who responds...Im trying to follow the best advice I can find.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): This is f69's wife again - I guess I painted a much different pic of me than what I had thought - I think sometimes I think stuff but forget to say it (in this case - type it). Mainly to the last Female writer - I have been telling my husband for the last 12 years (I was wrong in the year I left it was 97 not 96 - I was typing this at 3 or so in the morning) - anyways I have told him time and time again that I did cheat in the aspect of speaking to another man about my personal feelings - and not sticking it out and forcing my husband to listen about my feelings, also in the apsect of leaving him general - especially since it was going to live in another man's home. I have plenty of guilt on my own, BUT not because I was unfaithful in the aspect of sexually. My husband has always been religious, he was before me. He is the one that constantly shoves it in my face that I need to submit in every way there is to submit to your husband. Oh believe me - I am not to forget that. I am only refusing to talk about stupid details like - who held whose hand after I had a few drinks - like I remember that kind of crap. It wasn't significant enough - and when I tell him I don't remember - he says he don't believe me. I CAN'T MAKE HIM BELIEVE WHAT HE REFUSES TO HEAR.
To Code warrior & annon female- we have been going to church regularly as a family for the last few years - I just recently made an appt with our pastor to talk with BOTH of us. Not just him because we both take part in all of this mess. I do not think I am superior to him - remember he reminds me - SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT. And there is no proud spirit - the spirit itself is starting be driven away. I am led to believe when we talk that he has had no wrongs in all of this and it was all me - I again will admit that I was wrong in so many ways - they are so many things I could have done differently (like us go seek help then - or take a break - giving him an ultimatium - BUT I wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time. REMEMBER I HAD A SHUT DOWN!!! Then he listens to all that - and never admits fault on his part - he just agrees with all of my wrong doings!! This is why we need help - not from a paid professional but from a higher up source. I would love to be at a place where we never have to speak of this again - I just don't know if he can do that w/out help. I know it looks to probably more than 90% of the population that I more than likely cheated sexually and I am lying - but NONE of those people know me and I am not like 90% of the women who have cheated on their husbands. I would never have been able to live with myself - If God gave me one thing - it was my conscience. It hurts everyday when I think of the pain that I have caused my husband - but there is no pain when it comes to guilt of a sexually relationship with any other man than my husband.
By the way - we had a very long talk today - he is still willing to go see the pastor and I have high hopes that he is willing to give it 100% (as well as me) to healing him.
Thank you and God Bless you all as well. Try to let you know how things work out!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): dear SF's wife
why could YOU not tell your hb EVERYTHING instead of perhaps refusing to talk about it.
you did have an affair, it may not have been SEXUAL but it was EMOTIONAL. and yes, you DID ABONDONE your kids. you need to admit this, if only to yourself.
I hear the may thing you have said about your hb. he too is human but how do you expect HIM to move on if you "keep your secrets " from him. yes he would have also made mistakes but for goodness sake he is a good man as well. he may not be this " good christian man" that you want him to now be, but lady, he is trying and he deserves acknowledgement for that. please do not think that because you are now going to church and bible punching, you are superior to him. please come off your high horse. the Lord detests a proud spirit. work on your marriage TOGETHER and also HELP YOUR HB through his emotions. do not think that spiritually you are better than him. all the good work that has been done will be down the drain if you are not careful. YOU can help your hb, through this terrible nightmare HE has had to live through for years. you are over your abondonment but he isn't. you sound so proud and so superior. as a wife please listen to what i am saying- we either make or break our home. choose to make and HEAL your home instead of being superior to your hb. Talk to him, confess and help him heal. at least now the truth is out. why was it so hard for you to tell him everything, from the start. why did you let it manifest and become what it has. please do not hide behind the bible. be humble. i said before and i will say it again, the Lord detests a proud spirit. please learn to be humble.
to you and sf - i wish that YOU BOTH can heal TOGETHER. GOD BLESS WITH BOTH. do not try to be superior to one another but learn to love each other and learn to have COMPASSION for each other. have you boh even told each other SORRY. perhaps today is the start of the rest of your lives..........
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): hi - This is f69's wife. Just learned of this wonderful post a couple of days ago. I just wanted to clarify a few things to you others that have posted in the past or possible new posts. No I wasn't snooping - he let me look. I am not that kind of person - which hopefully you will see by the time you are done reading this. He doesn't know I am responding as of yet - but he will.
This supposed affair took place in 1996. Not just a couple of years ago. I left in the end of June - came back the end of Sept. We only had 2 small kids at the time (2 & 3). We were both young - I was only 23 ( he was 27) We have been together since 91 ( I was only 17 - he was 21). I was a virgin when I met him and I have NEVER been with anyone else. We got into landlord work in 94, then bought the 2nd house in 95. It needed alot of renovations - we moved 30 miles from where I had moved when I was only 18 and still in H.S. (in another town) Now remember - lived in one house almost my whole life, then move in with whom I thought/and still think is my soul mate, for 3 years. Then to move away from all comfort (with 2 small children in tow).
He worked a full time job. Then come home and visit for about a 1/2 hour, then back to work on our new home/ business. This went one for months. I was getting no support from him with the kids, our newly started business (in the paperwork aspect) - yet I helped him with the renovations, while still watching the children. He got a fresh cup of coffee every morning before work and coming home, his clothes got out for him, I did all the housework (granted I was usually tired out but I tried my best), did all the paperwork - including taxes each year, and I helped with everything he did (from yardwork, help on house, car repair, etc), he was almost always sexually satisfied, I also did most of the discplining (even when he was home)!!
Then after months of trying to tell him I was stressed and needed some help, and him not really responding, I shut down - no support from any family because I really didn't feel comfortable talking about my personal life with my family or friends. Then after months of shut down mode - he decided to try to do things - spontaniously - and he was very upset that I didn't jump right to it.
Unfortunatly - I starting talking with the "pizza guy" not about my husband, but my unhappiness - and he listened (probably because he wanted to get into my pants - but that NEVER happened). We talked for a few months on and off ( mainly just on the phone), then one day I decided that I was going to move out (Yes, "pizza guy offered me to stay at his place until I found somewhere else) my only goal was to teach my husband a lesson - how hard it is to do everything, and in order for him to do that I had to leave my kids behind (at least I thought - rememeber I had shut down - not thinking clearly, or how this all looked to other people).
I moved out - didn't talk with him for about 3 days - then saw him - to have him tell me I had abandoned him and our children. I did feel bad that he felt that way, but my original goal still needed to be reached. We set up arrangements for me to see the kids once I was settled (by the way the "pizza guy" lost his apt, so we ended up sleeping in his stupid truck for 2 days - not together), then he mentioned that his sister had an apt opening and he could get us in for 2 months at 1/2 price. So I asked f69 for the money, he said ok, I went and paid - later to find out that he had a deal on the side with her - that he got 1/2 (to spend on drugs). Yes I found out he did drugs. This is a decision I regret 100%. I never tried or did drugs my whole life and I still haven't to this day (which my husband believes with no problem) I never brought my kids near any of that stuff - they met the pizza guy maybe twice.
In the meantime - while hubby was supposed to be learning his lesson - he had a meltdown himself (which I do feel bad about) - but his mom tookover and he moved back where we used to and she took care of everything I used to(well except for the sex of course - ew). So my whole plan had backfired. Now this so called roomate of mine, moves out after just a couple of weeks ( barely there in the 1st place) - then I am stuck with all the bills (and I did get a job).
Anyways in Sept - now months since I really have had nothing to do with "pizza guy" - but I was still friendly towards his family (they did drugs too), but at the time I felt I had no one. Then I ended up needing surgery. I recouperated at my mom's house - gave me time to ponder all these wonderful decisions I had made over the last few months. I didn't sleep much the next few days. Oh by the way I ended up moving back in the same apt building just in a different apt in the beggining on Sept (thank you to hubby). I went back to the apt. and about 2 days later hubby called abd said he wanted a divorce - those words cut me like knife. I pleaded with him to come over after work and talk - he said ok. We worked things out, went to counseling, eventually moved to one of our other apt buildings in a different town, then back to where we lived before when we 1st lived together. After a few years - he decided we should have more kids, I was reluctant (scared about past repeating itself - me doing all the work), but after a few months I agreed - had surgery - then pregnant a few months later. We now have 4 beautiful children.
I am still a stay at home mom. I still help him out when possible with apt work (we did buy a 3rd place in between all this), car repair, I do all the mowing (we bought a home of our own a few years back - huge yard), cleaning of house (still hard to keep up with), laundry (6 people - and I hang them up), all the dishes - he does them once in awhile if I am sick or he wants a favor out of it, I still do all the paperwork for business and all the bills, all the appts for kids (doc, dent & school), I still usually get his clothes out everyday and his coffee, he still is very lucky in the sexual dept - he may not get it every day like he would like sometimes but I make that up in what type of sexual favors he gets (don't let him fool you - he is a very lucky man)!!!!!!!!!!!!
But the one thing I have learned from all this is we need to talk, when either one of us is stressed ( AND we need to LISTEN). He is better - but he still has tunnel vision - need to be financially set for future - agreed - but at what costs. We almost lost each other before - do we want to do that again. Our children are very happy & healthy (well you can be only so happy when you are 14 - LOL). The older 2 don't seem to even remember the past (even though his mom brought it up to one of them a couple years back and she asked if we ever split up - I was not a happy camper) But we did good explaining - leaving out what didn't need to be said.
Ok - so here we are now. Hubby still has issues, he struggles only during the months of June thru Aug - except this year - its lasted longer. The 1st few years were more painful reliving - alot of guilt - which he reminded me of often - and I took it, because I felt it was all my fault. BUT I can't help him understand what he already believes had happened. He believes I didn't do drugs and that I didn't have the children around it - but doesn't believe I didn't have sex. I am not your typical woman - I have morals and values ( I may have went about his lesson the wrong way - but the morals were still there)
I am now told that I have put our family's financial future down the drain, I lie, I don't balance priorities good enough ( HELLO - we have 4 kids - a new home with a new barn - where we works out of now - apt buildings - huge yard - 2 dogs - and I don't balance good).
The only reason I told him to stop bringing up the past is because it only seems to hurt us rather than help. I try my best to recollect things that happened way back in 96 - but my memory isn't what is used to be and I have tried not to hang on to those neg memories - so now I have forgotten so many details I may have told him years ago - and if I say I don't rememeber he says "I lie". So its really a catch 22 situation. I refuse to lie - and tell him something happened when it didn't. I think many people back then were telling him rumors that they either heard or thought they'd seen - but what happens when rumors get spread? - things get blown out of proportion and miscontrewed (sp?) So I believe he is basing his thought process that I cheated on what he has heard in the past. He seems to cling to the bad feelings and thoughts and backs away from the good. To me he is feeding the flames - which is so unhealthy. We are now church goers (not as Chrisitian as I would like to be yet, but we are getting there) He is shutting the Lord out in a way because his satin side feeds him with all this hate and anger ( and it is eating at him). I have decided on both of our halves - that we are going to marriage counseling thru our Pastor - that's what we both need. Hopefully the Lord will shine through for us. We have had many other struggles between the 2 of us when we were younger, growing up. We've had many financial struggles, especially in the last few years. Then of course these struggles with the past haunting our FUTURE. I love my husband very much and don't like him being hurt this much - but I can't fix what he is destined to believe (with the devil anyways. )I have talked till I am blue in the face - I have submitted in many ways (as how he puts it), I try to balance more his way - but I refuse to be so stubborn that I forget what's really important - our Lord, our relationship and our kids
Hopefully this clears up some of the loose ends that hubby forgot to mention - it helps to have more than one side to base your comments!! Some of you were pretty harsh - I am guessing you were hurt in your past as well - very self destructive. Please remember what you say sometimes can feed the devilish fire already burning in someone - words of encouragemnt are so much more effective. He let me back in years ago - he needs to now (should've been along time ago) let this stop eating at him and ask Christ for help!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I understand what you are going thru. It sound like this is eating you up inside. This is a very dangerous path you are on. When this happened to me (not quite like yours - but similiar) I ended up seeking Christ for help. 1st the bible then my Reverend. This has helped so much. I am now at peace with our past. I do not try or think about what she did or did not do. I live in the now, the future and what's best for our children. Which is staying together in a happy, spiritual healthy relationship. If I even begin to sway a different way other than just loving my wife, I go right back to the Bible. I wish you lots of luck and GOD BLESS. 2 things - For better or for worse till death do you part & GO see your religious leader (if you dont have one - then you should seek one soon).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): "One of the responses was an anynonamous f respondent who really got me thinking (and doing). "
what course of action are you now taking? is your mind a bit clearer now and do you think you have made/will make peace with your wife's actions?
take care sf
...............................
A
male
reader, sf69 +, writes (11 September 2009):
sf69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much everyone for the kind words and encouragment. All of the comments I have thought hard about. Somtimes the people who respond seem to really be on to somthing. One of the responses was an anynonamous f respondent who really got me thinking (and doing). I wish I could message some of the respondents to personally thank them and in one case ask for a bit of clarification and recomendation. This site really helps me ,thankyou all soooooo much sf69.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): SF, you have weak foundation. how can you build on this. Too much of condoining of your wifes affair and her continuous refusal to acknowledge it. now, it seems you are being made the scapegoat and you JUST HAVE TO accept it.just doesn't work like this in the real world.has anyone heard of the concept - actions have consequences???
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): "I have told her that telling me the truth would put my mind at ease. She just wont talk to me about it"
this is your answer. you know the truth, i think you have always known that she abondoned you and your kids for the other man.
if she is such a good , caring wife, as other have portrayed her to be on this site, why does she continue to lie to you. why does she "subtely threaten" you when you try to talk to her.
you have been given advise condoning her affair and condoning her abondonment of her family.
sf, something is still not right in your marriage. your wife is not carrying any guilt. her behaviour indicates that she believes she is bigger than her affair and her abandoning of your kids. she feels that she owes you no explanation of what she did with the other man. this is not the behaviour of someone remorseful and ashamed. it is about someone not accounting for her actions. and NOTHING you do will change your wifes behaviour.
...............................
A
male
reader, sf69 +, writes (8 September 2009):
sf69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my wife came back she has tried very hard. She practices the things we learned in counseling. She is great with the children.I have learned how to listen...I know when my wife needs a break fron the everyday stresses that build up.I know how to help-out with the tasks to lighten her load. Maybe she got better because I started trying to be a great husband (I was told wives dont leave great husbands.) When I feel angry and hurt about the cheating I dont tell her. I dont throw it in her face but God knows I want too. Im afraid it will always really bother me. My friends cant really talk to me about it because they are sure she had sex with the guy. I have told her that telling me the truth would put my mind at ease. She just wont talk to me about it. The last time I tried she got mad. I havnt brought it up again but it is always with me. Ive told her a relationship is based on trust and I want a strong marrige but she threatens to 'send me away' if I bring it up again. I dont dare ask her exactly what she means. I think everything besides this in our relationship is good (we both agree on this). Please everyone who can comment on this please do. thankyou
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 September 2009):
SF,
Thanks for a well written question. The story itself will be helpful to some.
What I see from this whole story is that you are still holding on to a five year old lie. It still bothers and hurts you. Even after counseling, and reconciliation. Everything in your life is back on track except for one thing. You have forgiven her for abandoning you and the kids. You have forgiven her for stealing your money and giving it to a drug addict. You have even forgiven her for having sex with the pizza guy. Even though she won't admit it. Yet you still won't forgive her for the lie. Only for other lies.
She has already put this behind her. She doesn't want to rehash it. The memories are painful to her now. She made a very embarrassing mistake. She knows that you know. How else could you have forgiven her for it. She knows that the sordid details will only hurt you more. You need to trust her on this. Apparently your counselor agrees.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009):
How did you find out about a new guy? What is she displaying him to you, but sorry that was of the topic. You're right there are a lot of lies. How is the situation at home besides her lies? Are your kids in comfortable environment/ Is there screaming and yeling going on or it's piecefull?
May be your wife is one of those women who need to be in open relationship. I don't know what to say. next time please don't give her any money when she runs off w/another guy. That's a crazy thing to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (5 September 2009):
 Well sir,You have yourself a liar for a wife.If you are to believe any of her story at all, then stop by my office because I have the Brooklyn Bridge to sell you.I know its hard, but the children will adjust. What you need to do now is get control of yourself, get away from her and get custody of those kids.DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MORE MONEY AT ALL. If you cant trust her with her vagina you cant trust her with your moneyPlease feel free to PM me and I can put you in touch with some help. Actually I know of another man in just about your same position right now that I helped to get away from a toxic woman like your wife. Buut you need real help real fast. Once again, PM me and I'll get you some help straight away.
...............................
|
