A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for ten years. We have two sons. My wife recently told me she was having an affair with a coworker for five of those years. According to her, that man is the father of our youngest. Supposedly she broke it off six months ago and asked me to forgive her. I said no. This is unacceptable. I want a divorce.My question is, what relationship should I have with this boy? I am angry because I have been raising another man's son, without my knowledge, all these years. At the same time, I realize the boy is innocent. And I am listed as his father on the birth certificate.I am agreeable to giving her custody, since the courts would do it anyway. I also will pay child support, so all the feminists can just shut up. That's not the issue. I am considering requesting visitation rights only for my eldest son. The younger one is three, and I think he should have a relationship with his birth father instead of me. His mother can explain why.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): you have been given a lot of advise to do he right thing by this toddler.
i firmly believe that you can do more harm to this child than good. why? you will start to resent him and he is the evidence of your wifes afafir. yes, he is innocent but in your heart you know you will not treat him the same as your other child. this boy will see the difference and always wonder what wrong he has done that he doesn't have daddy love and affection. your contempt and lack of affection will in the end destroy his self esteem and create insecurities in his life.
don't get me wrong. you are justified in feeling the way you have been. your wife was despicable in passing of this boy as your own when in fact it was her lovers. you should actually make her pay back the monetary value you incurred while taking care of her lovers child. that will teach her a lesson for the lies and the pain she has caused you. so yes you are entitled to get some "revenge" with her. but that is where it ends. you will not change your feelings about this boy so please him well alone. better now than later on. your wife will have some explaining to do to him.
better having no father than a father who will "destroy" his life later on. you are not a bad man questioning whether to still have this child in your life, but you will be an unkind individual if you show love and affection only for your biological child instead of his also for this child (if you do decide to be his "daddy"). rather cut off all ties now while he is small. both you and him will hurt but this may be the best thing you could do for him.
your story is a lesson for all women who lie about their kids paternity. these women mess up their kids lives totally by wrongly labelling their hbs or partners as the kids fathers. in the end the innocent kid suffers. in this post this 3 yr old boy is a victim of paternity fraud.
so please go head with your divorce. well done to you in getting this deceitful woman out of your life. slowly move on to better and a more faithful women. and believe me there are women out there with morals and integrity. your wife was sadly not one of them. i say this again, you are not a bad guy. you are also a victim here. but please do not mess up this 3 year old life. do the right thing and end your presense in his life if you cannot be a daddy, 200% to him. you deserve it and so does he.
good luck. it would be nice to hear what you will eventually decide. please send an update soon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Most of the aunts (esp. kc100, quiet-echo and ilovebowsncherries) are spot on. You're misplacing your (understandable) anger here, and taking it out on the child. How is any of this his fault? Assuming you've always bonded well with this three-year-old, the kid will be heartbroken if you just cut him out. I see that forgiving your wife and starting over as if nothing's wrong would be next to impossible. I don't blame you. In that case, it becomes a question of whether you two can co-exist as co-parents while living as free agents. Not easy, but not impossible. It's been done before. If that sounds too awkward, get a divorce, by all means, and then work out how to be the best separated father you can be to BOTH your kids. You say you're willing to pay child support, so expense obviously isn't the issue. You're happy to pay for the kid, but not to raise him. In other words, your parental feelings for the kid vanished as soon as you found out how he came about. Does it really overrule all the great times you must have had with him? I understand your anger entirely, but you're displacing your anger and resentment towards a totally innocent party. Perhaps the sight of the kid is a constant reminder of how he came about, stuff you obviously find painful to think about. But don't rush into anything. And it might be worthwhile to bear in mind: I know of a guy who's raising FIVE kids in the same house as what might loosely be described as his 'wife' (they haven't been a real couple in years). EVERY SINGLE ONE of the five kids was fathered by a different man (four men, in fact), and he's aware of this, and more than happy to bring them up, and they all love him. I'd regard his wife as, if not exactly evil, one of the most selfish, deceptive, heartless and duplicitous people on the planet (she is bipolar and uses this as a get-out-of-jail licence to do whatever she wants at all times), but the guy is pretty much a saint, and from his point of view, the love of these kids is its own reward. Tangled web, I know. But hang in there, and be the best man you can be. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Continue being his father, he needs you, don't take her mistake out on him
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (16 July 2009):
I am the one who just wrote in, and my youngest daughter wrote also. There is another part too. The child support. If she had an affair with this man for 5 years, chances are VERY GOOD, that he knew she as pregnant and has just let you be the dad and kick out supporting his child. And if he wanted anything to do with him, he would have already. It seems like this is the most likely scenario. However, I also went through this situation when we divorced. We had his natural children, and my oldest. I did not expect him to pay child support for her, but my ex husband still remained her father, she even took his last name. All along I had the real father pay child support, and believe me, the child support made no difference. He still did not see her. This man who got her pregnant should be paying child support, and back support. Not you. You still should be the father, but let him take the financial responsibility. If you are still seeing all the children, it just puts a little more money in your pocket to take them to do things, if you feel guilty for some reason (which I hope you don't). Or, spend it however you want. She put you through this. SO, please be his dad. It seems clear that he knows if they had a relationship that long and isn't stepping up and wont step up, but don't pay the child support if you don't have too. And wouldn't it be something if somehow she was not as good of a parent as you (morally she isn't), and you got custody of the children (all of them), and you received not only child support from HER, but you received it also from that HIM, as well as 3 years of back support? Think about that good and hard. You could have all those children with you, (oh, an make her pay for half their childcare-seriously-it's how it works, half their college, possibly put them all on her insurance, etc), as well as think about this, for two children you pay less all together then you would pay for one. So for example, with two people making 3000.00 per month, the child support from her would probably be about 700.00 for both kids (cause they do take your income into consideration just a little bit-but they also have a standard guideline), then for the jerk of a man who did this, he would probably pay about 600.00 just for one. There is a big difference between one and two children in what's paid. If you had two children with different dads, then you would probably get about 600.00 from each, plus daycare expense, college, insuranc, etc, which is usually split in half...oh, and don't forget about 600.00 a month in back support for the past 3 years. That's a huge amount of money, and they would take it not only from his checks but from his income tax at the end of the year. So, really, be HIS dad and be a good one. He doesn't even have to know your not if you don't want..how would it help him, truly? You are the only dad he knows, to know different would hurt him. I know some are going to disagree with this, but that's your decision. Anyway, then get custody. It would serve her right! Plus, there is really nothing wrong with that. If you love them do it. But DON'T pay child support no matter what. Let the real father do it, he won't interfere, I am sure he knows about the boy and he has never stepped up. So, he won't after either. He would owe you, 600 multiplied by 12, thats 7200.00 multiplied by 3 years. He would owe you $21,600.00. And every mont you would get about 1100.00 extra. Or do you want that money to go to her as an extra benefit for what she already did? And there is some reason why she never bothered to fess up (it's not morals) and collect on that 21,600.00. He is probably married and wants nothing to do with him or anyone to know either. Finally, as for you, there is nothing wrong with a man wanting his kids, and getting child support. But take it all the way. She doesn't sound like she is the best to be raising children. She sacrificed the sanctity and sanity of her family for 5 years. You shouldn't be paying. But what I said, is what SHOULD happen. He is YOUR BOY, take him and get the support back that you paid for him on your own and didn't have to for the last 3 years. Go for it! 21,600.00 plus and extra 1100 a month. SHE doesn't deserve it. Don't think of this as being just out for the money. It's a simple fact. That's how child support works. And it is just what would happen if you took custody of the kids.
Holly
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (16 July 2009):
I met my "ex" husband (sorry) when my daughter was 9 months old. Although I had been with her real father 2 years, we were broke up when I became pregnant with her. I never expected that because we had sex about a year and a half and I had not become pregnant, so I was surprised. Anyway, he denied she was his, all the general things, but never argued on the birth certificate. He knew the truth, and she looks just like him. Anyway, other than the birth certificate, he had little to do with her. Never would set up visitation, it was very hard on her. However, my ex came in like I said, when she was 9 months old. He was great. He changed her diapers, gave her bottles, helped with everything. He raised her as his own, and we had two more great kids after that. I have ALWAYS respected him for that, and my daughter has also. What your ex wife did was very wrong, but please don't take it out on the child. It takes a REAL MAN to step in to be a father, especially when it's not his genetic child, but it saved my daughter a lot of heartache. Children need a fatherm whether it's genetic or not, and your right, it isn't the child's fault. Our daughter is now 19 and a wonderful girl. She knows her real dad, but doesn't respect him. He broke her heart too many times making false promises to see her. Anyway, when she gets married someday, you can bet who will be "daddy" walking her down the aisle, and it's not her "genetic father", it's her real father. He has always been dad, because her real one didn't make an effort, and he always will be dad. Don't punish the child. He needs you. He actally needs you more now. Without you he most likely doesn't have a father. Show him, by example, what a real man is like. Someday he will become honorable from your example. You ARE his role model. Dear Sir, my sister is Nikita. The one my mom is taking about. She has always been my sister and I know she has a diferent dad but her dad is our dad. He loves her just the same and I know he didn't have to but he did and I am glad he did. She doesn't seem like her dad is different. She seems like we all have the same one. Sometimes my brother used to get mad at her and say "well he's not your real dad, he's ours" and that really hurt her feelings because her real dad didn't see her. You should be his dad anyway. Natasha
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): I met my "ex" husband (sorry) when my daughter was 9 months old. Although I had been with her real father 2 years, we were broke up when I became pregnant with her. I never expected that because we had sex about a year and a half and I had not become pregnant, so I was surprised. Anyway, he denied she was his, all the general things, but never argued on the birth certificate. He knew the truth, and she looks just like him. Anyway, other than the birth certificate, he had little to do with her. Never would set up visitation, it was very hard on her. However, my ex came in like I said, when she was 9 months old. He was great. He changed her diapers, gave her bottles, helped with everything. He raised her as his own, and we had two more great kids after that. I have ALWAYS respected him for that, and my daughter has also. What your ex wife did was very wrong, but please don't take it out on the child. It takes a REAL MAN to step in to be a father, especially when it's not his genetic child, but it saved my daughter a lot of heartache. Children need a fatherm whether it's genetic or not, and your right, it isn't the child's fault. Our daughter is now 19 and a wonderful girl. She knows her real dad, but doesn't respect him. He broke her heart too many times making false promises to see her. Anyway, when she gets married someday, you can bet who will be "daddy" walking her down the aisle, and it's not her "genetic father", it's her real father. He has always been dad, because her real one didn't make an effort, and he always will be dad. Don't punish the child. He needs you. He actally needs you more now. Without you he most likely doesn't have a father. Show him, by example, what a real man is like. Someday he will become honorable from your example. You ARE his role model. SIncerely,
Holly
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 July 2009):
 I understand your anger at raising another man's child without even knowing, what your wife has done is awful and you have every right to feel this way.
However I do believe you should continue to have a relationship with the younger son. You have raised him for 3 years and to him, you are his dad. This other man has not been in his life therefore to this innocent child, you are his dad and he would be devastated if you stopped seeing him. Imagine when his older brother is getting ready to see you and he is not allowed to go with him for reasons he doesnt even understand? I dont think it would be at all fair for the younger child to lose you as his father, especially because his brother (your eldest) will maintain his relationship with you.
It shouldnt matter that you are not related by blood to this child, he is your son's half brother and that means he still needs to be a big part of your life. You must have loved the younger boy for those 3 years when you were raising him, that love doesnt just go away because you find out that he isnt yours. You will have seen his first steps, heard his first words, seen his first smile....you cannot just throw that away because of your wife's mistakes. It will be a hard process for you to accept this child but eventually you will in time not look at him as 'another man's son' but he will be your son again.
Children are always the ones that get hurt in a divorce and if there is anything you can do to make it easier on them then you should try your hardest, so by staying in this little boy's life you will be doing him so much good. Children's development is often affected during a divorce which can lead to problems for them later in life, and I can tell that you are a caring father so I'm sure you would not want that to happen to either child.
I think you just need to push your own feelings to one side, ignore the fact he is someone else's child and focus on the boy, you cannot just forget the 3 years that you have had with him.
In my opinion a father is not just someone you are related to by blood, a father is someone who has watched you grow up, given you pocket money every week, someone who picks you up when you graze your knee, someone who takes you to sports games....and so on. Children are just as influenced by their environment as they are by their genetics, and you have been and are currently this boys environment, therefore he is just as much your son (if not more) than his birth father.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Your pretty angry...understandable. If you loved and cared for him as your son all those years then thats exactly what he is....no if's but's or maybes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2009):
 I understand your anger and your doubts, but here is what I would do. Until you know 100% that he is or isn't yours keep him in your life.
Your name is on the birth certificate and you will most likely have to pay child support for him, even if he isn't yours biological, he still is "yours".
Your older son will have a hard hard time not having you around and will NOT understand why you will not see his brother, no matter who the biological father is, for the first 3 years YOU have been it.
Don't hold your anger against your wife's action against a child. He is innocent in all this. Biology or not, the little fella still needs a dad. A father figure. A male role model. Someone to instill values and morals, you seem to have both and I think you will do a good job, for both the boy.
I do agree that if he isn't yours biological he should have a chance to know the man who fathered him. But the guy might not want too. Who knows he could be married for all you know.
In all honesty I think you show not only some backbone, but some values and morals, show your SONS what a MAN really is and step up.
...............................
A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Is she SURE that this boy is his? You should have paternity testing just to be sure. I honestly, couldn't do it. So it's understandable if you can't, either. Why would you? I mean, you've raised the boy for 3 years but he's got the rest of his life to be raised by his REAL father who should step up. If he doesn't and you're willing to then so be it, but other than that I don't see why you should.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cale03 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 i agree with ilovebowsandcherries completely
A dear friend of mine i've know since we were pee-wee's happened to be just like the youngest. the son of an affair of his dad's wife and he was 4 and a half at the time, and being his best friend when he was older and was upset about it i was the one he vented to and he loves his dad not his birth father more because he was the one there for him not his father. my point is don't stop being his dad but let him get to know his father
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (16 July 2009):
 well fair enough speak to your wife and tell her you feel he should know who he is real dad is and get to know him but does that mean you'll stop being a dad to him?
i mean you're all he's known would you really not want to be there for him knowing now he's another mans son?
does that stop him wanting to be your son?
i don't think so.
but talk to your wife or soon to be ex wife and explain to her that you feel he should have a connection with his real dad but don't let that stop you from being his dad as well he may only want to know you as a dad and not this other man whose neve been in his life as much as you have for him.
hope this helps.
x ilovebowsandcherries x
...............................
|
