A
female
age
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*allybowles
writes:I am in my mid 50's. My partner and I have been dating for over two years. He lives an hour from me and has joint custody of his 17 yr old daughter. We both have our own businesses so are happy not to live together at this stage. His wife is an alcoholic and the marriage broke down over six years ago. She asked him to leave continually so eventually he did and then we started dating. There is a property settlement agreement in place but they have not divorced. To keep the wife happy it has been agreed that she live in the matrimonial home till the daughter finishes school and then it will be put on the market. My partner is renting a unit, but also paying high maintenance for the daughter, all her college fees and all outgoings on the matrimonial property until it is sold. I know this is their business but my beef is this - I want him to get a divorce. He says he doesn't want to upset his daughter (she knows we are together, I stay there when she is at his place)but I feel it is more not to upset the wife as she is nasty and controlling. Anyway I am going through menopause and have mood swings. When I am down it really gets to me. I bring it up every three months and he just dismisses it as "not being important" "costs too much" or similar. I feel he should get a divorce. We get on really well and he treats me well. He is a lovely guy but this does annoy me. Am I nitpicking - should I just wait for the piece of paper or give him an ultimatum? Advice please? Thanks :)
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female
reader, sallybowles +, writes (8 May 2012):
sallybowles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice which has been taken on board. I agree with almost all of what you have said in your answers. I am going through menopause so my day to day mood swings change the way I look at this situation which is very frustrating. I agree that his daughter should always come first. I think I feel this way as his wife has caused a lot of problems during the past few years as she rings him and screams abuse when she is drinking and he just takes it. It does affect me and I guess I was hoping he would divorce her as a sign of respect to me but anyway things are what they are and she will always be there somewhere as they have a child together.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Hi
Sounds like its financial reasons holding him back, like getting his daughter through college, then selling the home,his priorities.It shows he is responsible as a father.
If your not in a rush to live with or marry him then his divorce is irrelivant. This is what happens when you date a man who is not yet free.He will divorce if and when he is ready.
Up to you if you wait.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 May 2012):
Only you can really answer this question, for how long would you be prepared to wait for him to divorce her? If you really can’t get past the current situation then you’ve got little choice but to issue him with an ultimatum, not that it’s likely to achieve anything. Ask yourself these questions:1) Are there good reasons why he might not want to get divorced yet? Probably. He might be thinking that it’s best not to antagonise the wife until the house is sold, so he takes less of a financial risk asking for a divorce then. Maybe he’s putting his daughter first and doesn’t want to cause upset to her whilst she finishes her education. Surely that won’t be long now if she’s 17?2) Why do you need a divorce any time soon. Are you worried that whilst he’s still married to his wife there’s a threat to your relationship? That seems doubtful. Even without being legally married they’d still have a daughter together, a bond for life. That didn’t stop them splitting up (and nor should it have, I’m not condoning the naïve but doomed path of sticking together for the kids). It seems that their relationship is well and truly over. Or perhaps you want to marry him yourself? If not, it doesn’t seem as though the lack of divorce any time soon will make a difference to the strength and stability of your relationship, so what exactly annoys you about it?There is no harm in asking him what his thoughts are about when he might divorce her, telling him that you understand the reasons why he might not want to at the moment. That could be more fruitful than a pointless ultimatum, and maybe he’ll be more receptive to addressing your questions and hearing your viewpoint if he knows that you’re sympathetic to the difficulties he’d face at this time by asking for the divorce.I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 May 2012):
 I agree 100% with AuntieEm's opening statement..
You can give him all the ultimatums in the world but he isn't going to get a divorce until he wants to. He could have other reasons for NOT wanting divorce, reasons he isn't telling you.
You make it sound like the wife has a loaded gun to his head and that he has no choice....
He isn't divorced yet, because he CHOOSES not to be divorced.
If you are fine with status quo - which is dating a married man (the relationship with his wife and his wife is irrelevant) he IS still married. Then why rock the boat now?
You have obviously not had a problem the last 2 years dating a married man or you would have ended it a long time ago, what changed? What made you feel annoyed now?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): ultimatums or not, this man will not bend to get a divorce until he is ready. he doesnt want a divorce and there is nothing you can do about it. (at least have some sense of "decency" that this man wants his daughter to finish school before divorcing her mother. at least he is thinking about her welfare). if you can continue being the "other woman" then do or if you give him an ultimatum and he does not meet the deadline THEN YOU need to suck it up and end it forever. you hold the power and you should decided whether a divorce is a make or break affair. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 May 2012):
 You can give him all the ultimatums in the world but he isn't going to get a divorce until he wants to. He could have other reasons for NOT wanting divorce, reasons he isn't telling you.
It could be that he doesn't want to upset his daughter, it could also be that he is worried his wife will win the whole house from him in a divorce, if he is letting her live there...it might even be that he isn't getting a divorce because, that way he cannot be rushed into another marriage!!! and sitting undivorced albeit a dead marriage gives him the perfect excuse to not have to move on to other ties.
When we are young and we meet a partner, we can start afresh with very little obstacles. When we are older and embark on more complicated arrangements where people have 'baggage' we more or less have to accept the good with the bad if we want things to work out.
It doesn't sound like you can tolerate all his 'issues' and complications...it's bugging you because justifyably you would like him to be free and clear, so you two can have more of a settled union. Sadly this cannot happen whilst he is resistant.
You could threaten to end things, but sadly thats probably what would happen as I am sure he isn't going to budge.
It's up to you to either put up with what is going on or to quit and find someone who is already single.
Good Luck xx
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