Should I confront him with all these weird happenings that I know about ?

A female age 36-40, *chik26 writes:

I met this man on a singles site, he is 40, I am 26, I don't feel like the age is an issue at all. I have been seeing him for about 2 1/2 months, from the beginning I was very straight forward about the fact that I do not like cheaters, been very adamant that that was why most my past relationships have failed because of cheating lying men who werent ready for a serious exclusive relationship. Within the first month or so I had 3 different men still calling my phone who all of which had more than enough chances with me to make it right and failed until all of their chances ran out and I ended up on the singles site and met this man, I wasn't hiding the fact that they were still calling me I never responded once to any of the calls or texts, I was very open with the current man what was going on and I figured if I ignored it it would stop. Well about 3 weeks into it one man was very persistent, I ended up having to call him and tell him- look after 3 weeks of not taking your calls f-ing leave me alone, the current man was aware of this. I have not spoken to any of the 3 men, a couple of times they have called my phone, and I again I have not responded, a couple of weeks into it with the new man I deleted any random mens numbers out of my phone and made the profile on the personals site unsearchable, to avoid any problem with it further down the line. After I had made the personals ad unsearchable I was curious to see if he was still on it and he was and it showed that he was active within the past 2 weeks (we were about 4 weeks in when I checked it), so coincidentally about the 3rd Friday night he didn't call me and I had heard from him at least once everyday so when I discovered he was active on personals still and it was Friday and I hadn't heard from him I called his phone and said I am not sure why I haven't heard from you today and I'm not sure why you are still active on personals so when I finally talked to him, he called me and said that acted as if nothing happened, I said did you get my message, he says no so I said let me tell you what it said, and he says he didn't call because he left his phone in the car and he went out to his house,the house that I had never seen; conveniently he stays at his friends bachelor pad which is where I always had stayed with him, so at that point he had this mysterious house that I had never seen, claimed he didn't stay there because he had gone through a divorce in January, which I have no problem with that,I lost a baby in January myself from some a--hole that couldn't put in the time or the money so that's understandable, but he said that after the divorce he let some people-friends move in the house and that it was they had alot of animals, ok he made it sound like he was ashamed of the condition of it and again I live in a clean decent place, but in my life I have seen some really bad things, so ok I am thinking maybe things just went wrong or whatever, or maybe he just needs some time to get it together, he told me point blank that nobody was living in the house, ok I am in no place to question somebody unless I have some solid proof. His parents live out of state. About 5 weeks into it they came down for a visit he had me to meet them, I felt like things went over rather well he made the date for me to go out of town with him at Christmas to his family's home for a week. He has told me that he loves me, and that it is only me and nobody else, I spend a great deal of time with him, on the weekends and holidays, there have ony been a couple of Friday nights that I have not spent with him, I have since seen the house that is his, it is a VERY nice newer doublewide mobile home with a pool table, fireplace, garden tub, koi pond in the front yard, etc. certainly nothing to be ashamed of, we went by Wal-mart so he could pay his bills and happened to leave his electric bill in my car there was no usage since the month before I started seeing him. He works construction, and he works out of town ALOT sometimes with no warning, by the time I hear from him that night he is "out of town" and won't be back for several days. As I said I am nobody to call someone out without solid proof, but initially this seems like the perfect set-up for foul play, also most of the time when his phone rings he will look at the caller id and not take the call when I am there, so it makes you wonder who is on the other end and what can't be said with me there, recently he answered the phone and you could hear that it was some loud mouth b--ch, she said what are you doing? in a real loud mouth southern kind of way, as he was talking to her his tone of voice changed, she then asked him who was there with him, he said my name, I dont know who that was, he didn't say "my girlfriend",then he proceeded in the coversation in a lowered cutesy sort of tone of voice and the coversation was ended by him saying "i will later", as soon as he hung up the phone he offered up a explantion that it was a friend of his and his friend with the bachelor pad that wanted them to go out to the bar, he then assured me that he wants to spend his time with me, then the phone rings maybe 30 minutes later, it was her again, so he inores the call, the maybe 15 minutes later it rings again, and again he ignores the call. He has taken me to parties to meet all of his friends, which some are women, which some have made some snide remarks to me such as "He didn't introduce you as his girlfriend", or "didn't he tell you that when we have parties here that everyone gets naked?", so needless to say I was put off by that and I let him know it I am not a whore I am somewhat old fashioned and I don't have to show my breasts especially to someone that I am not involved with, I might not have alot of things but at least I have my pride. I have NEVER cheated on anyone and don't ever plan to I am the real deal. As I said I am 26, he is 40, I have no children neither does he so the timing alone seems good to me he has told me that he plans on not having to do this again, one time only. He has been married and divorced twice, I have been married and divorced once which in itself is hard enough to find someone worth finding that doesn't already have kids at these ages, in Arkansas at that. He is not from here, and neither am I. Everything that he has shown me first hand, the actions, the words have been consistent with what he has told me, the way in which he has presented himself to me leads me to belive that I could not ask for more from someone and that he is a wonderful man and I think that he is, that is what I have been led to believe, he hasn't broken promises. I have been cheated on and lied to and made an absolute fool of mostly my entire life as far as relationships go, not to mention the emotional and social problems that I had before that which go way deeper way back when I was a child, I do not like failure and I aM tired of failing, I want to do everything possible to avoid that, after so many times of being screwed over you begin to wonder- is it me? so I am trying very hard to be open and trust and not let my bruised past sabotage me and my future and ruin something that could be good. However, we are 2 1/2 months into it and this past weekend he went to the store for breakfast and he left his phone behind, so I wrestled with the idea of looking in it, kind of afraid of what I might find and so after maybe 30 seconds of contemplating decided I had to do it, and so first I went to the call log didn't really find anything worth looking at (there were alot of calls to and from me), next I hit the received text messages didn't find anything really out of the ordinary, some were from women which as I said he does have friends, didn't really find anything that bad on the receiving end, I then went into the sent text messages and didn't find anything recent, (I started seeing him on July 5th), I get down to the sent messages on July 31st I see where he had sent a message to this girl that says: " You look hot, so you want to do me lol. c u heard from me lov u", I then went back to the recieved messeages in the phone and her response was yes. Coincidentally July 31st was a Friday (very possibly one of the Fridays that I was not with him), not only that but how would he know that she looked hot unless he was at the same place that she was? This girl with the not so common name I have met at these parties that he has taken me to, and the first time I met her I thought she was nice I talked to her at that party he mostly stayed with me at the party and out of the ones that made the snide remarks to me, I would have thought that it would have been one of them before I would have thought that it would of been her, hell maybe it has been all of them for all I know, there was also a new text message on his phone from a different girl that I have not met, the message was un-opened so therefore I couldn't open it because then he would know that I was in his phone. I don't feel bad for looking it is only human nature to be so inclined to assess your situation and want to know what you are up against, much less coming from someone with my past. During the time when the 3 men were calling my phone, we were sitting in the dark watching a movie and I left my phone out and went to the bathroom and when I came back the face plate was lit up and of course in the dark my eyes went right to it and I called it out- I said did someone call me, he was like a deer in the headlights and very nervously claimed that he was checking the time and then changed the subject, I didn't care I wasn't hiding anything, yet after that incident when the phone would ring I would hand it and ask him if he wanted to answer it or if he wanted to hear the voicemails which only reinforced my case, I wasn't hiding anything, and I still am not. The girl that he sent that messsage to was at the last party we went to and and it happened to be a pirate themed party and she was one of the ones that dressed up (like a whore) and I felt like he was looking at her so I tried my best to block his vision and when he asked me what I was blocking him from, I said you know what it is. Then later on in the night I leaned up to his ear and whispered the exact same words that were in the text message that I had read, he didn't say anything. That same girl came over that night and hugged him and I put my hand on her face/head and pushed it away as she went in for the hug, he didn't say anything, neither did she. That night he had his arms around me, and then she came in with some mans arms around her. I am also very aware that alot of people don't have any problem being a whore or fucking someone else or are just completely without any morals or values at all, just because I belive something doesn't mean that other people do too, I tend to be the outcast alot but my intentions are more generally good natured and that is just some of the problems with the world today that I face, and I usually end up being the on that gets shit on, I tend to distance myself from people for that very reason. At the previous party before I had learned this she hugged him and she hugged me. That message was sent before 2 weeks before he introduced me to her, the fact that he introduced me to her throws a green flag, but I am very upset by the fact that the message was well after he had started seeing me but not only did he say that he wants to f--k her, as does she him, he also said he loves her, I am not sure which is worse. When I first met him he was the one to bring up exclusivity and the fact that I found that, I can't feel ok about it if I don't say something, but if I do it will likely be disasterous, and/or met with I shouldn't have been looking in the first place but if someone were as good as they say that they are they wouldn't be defensive about it, much less they wouldn't have done that in the first place. I offered mine up and I make it a rule to never ask anyone to do anything that I wouldn't be willing to do myself. Granted, he didn't offer his up, I took it. I understand that you CANNOT make someone do something they don't want to do, you CANNOT make someone feel the the way that they don't. I do not want to try and fight a losing battle, but I feel like I do have the right to stand up for what I believe and what is and what isn't acceptable with me, the right to have someone not string me along if they are more interested in someone else. Many years ago when I was 16 years old I was in a situation where my then husband was close friends with someone that I had "been" with before I met him and we were all friends, my husband never knew, and it just happened that I knew the guy, and he knew the guy before we had met eachother, I never saw it fit to disclose that information neither did the friend a word of it ws never breathed from any of our mouths and people acted as if it never happened, so I am doing my best to understand the situation of how maybe 2 people could have been together before and then just be friends, but I saw the text message with my own eyes and it was after I had been seeing him and I certainly have NEVER sent a meesage like that to someone that I was just friends with, so as much as I want to make an excuse for it and/or pretend like it didn't happen I can't, I have never, and will never and cannot fathom anything of the sort, that is not who i am. Although the message was before he told me that he loved me, it was before I met his parents, it was before he showed me his house which he is making plans on moving back into and put nearly his whole paycheck into my hand to order him a new matress for. But my questions are: Should I confront it? Is it ridiculous of me to expect someone to be exclusive from the very start of a relationship? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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A female reader, dchik26  +, writes (23 September 2009):

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