A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! Well I need advice. I believe my husband has had an affair, over an 8 month period. I have asked him 3 different times, and he has denied any wrong doing. He became irate and said that men and women can be friends without having sex. Even though the girl, friend is out of the picture, i still wonder. My question is... should I call this girl and ask her about what happened? because I dont believe him. My gut tells me yes. Isnt the gut always right? Please, someone give me advise. Should I call her? Thank you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Yes, but be aware that she may have been involved and will be so ashamed, or fearful even, that she will lie to protect not him, but herself, from your emotions.Talk with her in a nonthreatening and nonemotional manner. If you can't do that, then don't do this.Explain to her why you want to talk.Meet with her in a public place, where you can be seen by others but not overheard, and talk about your concerns.Don't accuse her, tell her about your concerns, about the relationship, and how it affected your marriage and you.Once you get to that stage, if she's denied everything, you can tell her that you are happy to hear that there was nothing going on. But, don't quit at that point, tell her then that things are not going well between your husband and you, and this concern about her and him was just a symptom of the behavior that you were concerned about, and if you and your husband get to the stage of divorce, which you think likely, that you will be subpoenaing her for testimony that will bring about perjury charges if she isn't fully truthful and open about their relationship, so you are so glad that she doesn't have anything "out of line to relate to the courts as it will be easier on you, and if I have to subpoena you, I'd rather not do so if there had been an inappropriate relationship, but since there isn't, then that will not be a problem".This will let her chew on that aspect, and don't be surprised if you don't hear a different story.By the way, this won't work if she's an attorney, or knows much about how the court system works. She can always refuse to answer questions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Don't call. There is no way of knowing if you will get the truth from her. Whatever she says will not settle your mind. You will feel awkward for having called her if you get a bad reaction. You will look needy and desperate. I'd tackle your husband again with a view to accepting his replies. It is the only way to move forward.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 September 2011):
I tend to always trust my intuition. However, a person's gut can be wrong or right in this kind of thing depending on how trusting or not trusting they are. Your sense of it is not objective because your sense of trust has been affected by the secrecy surrounding all of this. Your husband is right that men and women can be friends without having sex, but that doesn't mean he didn't have sex with her, you may not know the truth of it. He may be trustworthy in this regard and not have had sex with her, but he still formed a relationship with another woman that he didn't tell you about, didn't include you in, and kept secret from you, which is enough to damage your trust. He might not have cheated, but the secrecy has created a great deal of doubt in you.
The important thing is, how have you both dealt with this doubt? Have you told him exactly how you are feeling about it now, still? Has he taken all of the steps he could to reassure you, or go out of his way to prove his innocence?
You could contact her and have a conversation with her, and this might give you some insight into what has happened, but realise that you can't necessarily trust what she says either. She might have her own agenda, her own reasons to want to make him look guilty or innocent. You can try speaking to her and use your judgement based on your communication, but you would need to have her story backed up by your husband's story to know if it is true, and even then, this isn't a guarrantee.
Whatever happened or didn't happen, the real issue is that you don't trust your husband, and you need to find a way to work at this together or your relationship will deteriorate.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (25 September 2011):
 This is a really difficult situation. I agree with your husband comment, but the question that I have for you is how much do you trust your husband? Has he done anything in the past that raised suspicion or even caused you to lose trust? If so, then I would say give the other woman a call to find out what's going on.
If not, then just let it be. The other woman is out of the picture, so there would be no reason to continue to question him on it...or even entertain the thought. Just work on the trust aspect of your relationship. And if necessary,you may even want to consider marriage counseling to help you two work on this issue.
And by the way, a female's intuition/gut feeling is extraordinary and remarkably accurate- BUT it's not always correct.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): No do not call her it would only be denied by her (ESP if there friends) and increase ur frustration? Also u have no hard concrete proof that he has had an affair only ur suspicions.
She may be in love w him and use your insecurity to her advantage.
I think until u get hard proof then confront him and decide what course of action to take.
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