A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I would really appreciate some advice! I have two really beautiful sisters who are also successful and talented. They have good jobs and even have even written published stories. I am ashamed to say this but I often hesitate to bring my boyfriend round to hang out with them. My ex, (a man nearly twice my age) used to always comment on how attractive they are, and make observations on things they were better at than me (eg. how my eldest had better people skills and wasn't so socially awkward). When he used to visit, he and my eldest would talk for ages, comparing their writing, discussing her job and complementing each other (I thought inappropriately sometimes) on how well they were doing, how they looked etc. I was never bought into these conversations and was concerned that if I tried to discuss this I would just seem petty and envious and would make things uncomfortable. I also thought that being very young and inexperienced I could be misinterpreting things. A few months after he dumped me and I had got together with my new boyfriend however, I ran into him out shopping and he mentioned to me that he had always had a huge crush on my eldest- a mixture of truth and sour grapes perhaps, as I'd made it clear I'd moved on and considered myself well rid of him. However, I can't get this off my mind. My new boyfriend is lovely and tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him but I constantly think that he'll find my sisters far more attractive and interesting. Sometimes he reminds me so much of my ex I panic that the same things will happen- my ex would always talk obsessively about his ex girlfriend and take the two hour drive to go down and stay at hers every week (and yes, he also told me he wanted to date her again when I bumped into him); my current boyfriend openly admitted that he'd been obsessing over his ex for years and still hung out with her each week (though he stopped being in touch with her for my sake the first month into our dating). A person I know who's known him for years also told me he was also very taken with his ex girlfriend's sister for awhile so this also makes me worry that maybe he's like my ex and doesn't really know what he wants- and also has a habit of fancying both sisters!. I know that it's unreasonable to keep comparing them- he is a million times the person my ex was- but can't stop worrying about the same things happening again. I know it's pathetic, but I really think it would crush me. My boyfriend already wants us to get married- after just 8 months of dating but this I just can't shake off this self doubt. Whenever he gets on really well with other woman, and yes my sisters in particular, I just feel down. I don't know how to stop it. I'm so sorry that this is so long! Thankyou for reading it :) Advice would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): The bad experience you had is messing with your head and making you judge things in a particular, maybe not so rational, way. As someone who has a lot of experience with sibling rivalry, I can understand the feeling of inferiority toward your sisters. Keep in mind it's something for you to work on, and not the way things are in reality. It may seem to you like your older sister is more "beautiful, successful and talented" than you are, but it may not be true. Just because your ex boyfriend MAYBE had a crush on her definitely doesn't mean it's something everyone would agree with. I would try to forget all about it, and not judge the current boyfriend based on the errors of your past one.I don't like the fact that he is still hanging out with his ex though, that's kind of weird and maybe questionable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015): It's a competitive world. You're very young and you really don't have the benefit of experience. If you date an older man, there are pitfalls. He can only relate to you only so far. If you have beautiful sisters, he will notice them. If he happens to share a common-interest or profession with either of them; it is likely they will hit it off upon being introduced to each other.
If you feel uncomfortable about him coming around or dating your sisters, alert them; and let them know how you feel. You may not even have anything to worry about. They were simply impressed or enchanted with him upon introduction; that doesn't mean they will stab you in the back and date your ex. Naturally he's going to be charming upon first meeting your sisters. He mentioned his crush only to rattle you. Knowing your insecurities. He's older, so he's got the advantage of experience. He has seen your insecurity and envy around your sisters. He's messing with your head.
If you were indeed over him, it wouldn't matter what he does. If they know what he's all about, is it really likely they'll even be bothered? Why would they want to settle for your sloppy-seconds? If you're done with him, they have little reason to be interested. Did you share the reasons you broke-up with him with your sisters? If you did, why would they bypass your feelings and date the guy? They're both beautiful and accomplished, why do they have to recycle your old relationship? They should be able to find a man on their own.
This is more about you and your sisters, than about him.
Trust your sisters to care about your feelings, and don't presume they'd stab you in the back over a man. Stop envying them, and turn it into pride. They've been around longer, and have had more time to accomplish things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 May 2015):
 You know there are thousands of women out there who might be smarter, prettier, more accomplished etc. etc... BUT that doesn't mean EVERY guy would RATHER date your sisters OR another woman.
You ex was an asshat. There is no way around it. My guess is that he was SIMPLY to old for you and you... too young for him. Could also have been that he actually ENJOYED putting you down, because IT gave him power over you. It made you doubt yourself, and you still do that now. He kept the ex around not only for his own selfish reason, but to show you (and her) that you were replaceable. The guy as crass and an idiot.
When it comes to your new beau, I think it's a bit of a red flag if he is STILL into his ex. Even if he has cut the contact, he isn't likely to keep it that way. NOT if he is still into her. The fact that he was also into her sister.. is another red flag, because as "obsessed" as he calls himself he still fancied the sister too.. So one girl wasn't quite enough. However, doesn't mean he will fancy your sisters too.
8 months is still (in my book) too early to decide marriage and I'd tell him JUST that. You are 18-21 so what's the hurry in getting married?
Let's say your worst nightmare happens, the dude falls for one of your sisters - DO you really think you SISTER would give him the time of day? And do you really think it's BECAUSE you are not good enough?
Don't compare him to your ex - and DO NOT compare yourself to your sisters. YOU are YOU and he is DATING you. Because he loves YOU.
You can't live your life in fear like that. IF it happens (we all know the saying Sh** happens, right?) then you cross that bridge when you get to it. But I think living in fear of something that maybe potentially could maybe perhaps but unlikely happen... WILL make you MISERABLE.
You have ABSOLUTELY no control over his feelings, only your own. THESE are YOUR insecurities, you NEED to find a way to deal with them or you will sabotage every relationship you will have.
I will say though, if HE makes you feel doubt... are you sure it's ONLY about sisters/other women?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2015): Wow wanting to get married after 8 months - he's a fast mover! I think you've had a very bad experience with your ex but I need to say that your sisters (particularly the older one) behaved way out of line. If she is so socially intelligent then she would know that he was flirting inappropriately (on the basis that he is supposed to be with you) and make sure she put him in his place and didn't encourage him. I understand your fears about this guy repeating history here... but I think you need to be more wary of your sisters enjoying 'attention'. Just the way I see it.
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