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Should I be happy for my ex fiance after he cheated on me and hurt me so badly?

Tagged as: Cheating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

About 3 months ago, my fiancé of 4 years ended our relationship. I would later find out he was cheating on me behind my back for about 2 weeks with a new woman at his work who he barely knew.

I knew he met her and I actually knew her somewhat back in school, but I of course had no idea they were into each other...I trusted my fiancé and I felt 100% secure in my relationship with him. And he never gave me any indication or reason for worry so I was completely blindsided by all of this. He started acting very sketchy the few days before he broke up with me so I guess I should have known better and should have seen it coming.

I found out he had been telling her his uncertainty of our relationship and that he didn't know if he still was in love with me or not, and that he just wasn't happy. He never told me this but told her so much personal information, I felt so awful.

Literally days after we split up he got with her, and he's told our friends he's so madly in love with her and she's great, and that he's 'finally found happiness' I guess implying that he wasn't happy with me.

Yesterday I was invited to his birthday party and I politely told him no I wasn't coming and I would appreciate it if he stayed out of my life as I'm still healing from all of this chaos. Also, the girl I was cheated on with is going to be there do they really think I want to be around that?

I have been told that if I really loved him, I should be happy for him and his relationship and I shouldn't be so upset and as his mother said "some things just don't work out he did the best he could"

but honestly no, I don't agree with this, I'm actually disgusted. The thought of him laying in bed with the woman he cheated on me with and hurt me so badly with, went behind my back with, makes me sick. I find what he did to be very disrespectful and if he did actually care about me, he wouldn't have done what he did.

The man I was planning on marrying in August, having kids with, looking for houses to buy, was going behind my back with another woman and then dumped me like I was trash in order to be with her, is NOT something I should be happy about.

Why would he and his family even say that to me? That I should be happy for him? Sure he's happy and that's great, but what about my feelings through all of this? I was blindsided and betrayed by someone who I trusted my life with. My feelings were not even considered or cared about during and after our break up.

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, fiance, my ex, split up

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntDelete all contact with his family friends and him, that means phone numbers blocked, social media blocked, email blocked. Then allow yourself sometime to accept that what he done was wrong, and no you should not be happy for him. You need time to heal and that means dropping all contact. He invited you to his party hoping that you would come so he wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what he had done to you. Well you have told him how it is now, so stop talking to his family and make a new life for yourself sweetie.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (30 March 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntIf you cant say it, I'm happy to say it for you....Ahhh FUCK HIM!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 March 2016):

CindyCares agony auntLife is as it is and seldom as it should be in a perfect world.

So yes, in theory you should be happy for him. True love is pure, generous, disinterested, unconditional, independent from any " what's in it for me ". In theory, if you love him , you just want him to be happy- with or without you.

This in theory. I mean, you should be a living saint to be so noble and selfless. Instead you are a normal, regular human being, with a natural instinct for possess that you have ,understandably, a hard time separating from your feelings of love. You want him to be happy as long he is happy with you- but if you are out of the picture, his happiness is no particular comfort to you.

Does this make you mean or petty ? Not at all. It makes you human and normal. It is absolutely normal that , due to what has happened, your love is now tinted with bitterness , resentment ,maybe jealousy. You are no Saint Francis- and you are not supposed to be .

( It is also normal that his mom said what she said. She is his mother - what is she supposed to say ?... There are efforts at dispassionate objectivity that you just can't ask from a mom ! :)

So give yourself permission to feel whatever you may be feeling at the moment- and do not do anything that may stop or hinder your process of grieving your loss, OVERCOMING it, and moving on. Like, staying in touch with him ?...What for ? ...Do you have to prove him that yes, you did care about him or you do care about him ?... what for ? ..

You do not owe him anything, and least of all your attention. He invited you to his party because for him it would be easier and more convenient if you were a good sport and acted all casual-friendly. He would not have to feel any guilt for having hurt you, and / or face any criticisms from people ( and his own conscience ).

But you are not together anymore, so you do not have to care about what he would like or prefer. You are entitled to ignore it and to do think and say whatever feels best for you. So, don't just " tell " him that you'd want him out of your life- force him to stay out of it, he and his family. Cut any contact. Who cares how he takes it and if he and his family think it's right or wrong ? Definitely, that's not your problem.

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A female reader, wrathykins United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2016):

wrathykins agony auntCompletely agree with Honeypie, you cannot move on with him still in your life. You need to delete all his contact information and block him so he can't speak to you. Also block his girlfriend so you can't look at her facebook or anything!

He's a horrible person. After you have healed from this you will find someone who LOVES you. Keep positive!

And no, why on earth should you be happy for someone who disregarded you like that? You can feel exactly how you want to feel about this. I emplore the people who said that to you, to put themselves in your shoes, or even go through the same thing, they wouldn't feel happy for the person who destroyed them. What a ridiculous thing for them to say to you!

You WILL be happy again one day. It'll take time, but you will.

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A female reader, debsray United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

You are right to tell him to stay out of your life. The sooner you completely cut ties with him and his family the faster you'll heal.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWhy would his family say that to you?

To make his actions less vile. If YOU had cheated, then TRUST me they would not think he owed you to pee on you if you were on fire, but he is THEIR SON and probably can't do wrong in their eyes.

Someone who tells you:

"if I really loved him, I should be happy for him"

Is full of crap. And that person is NOT looking out for you or your best interest, but are hoping to "rewrite history" to not look bad (or in this case to have her son not "look bad".

It would be more accurate to say :

"IF HE had really loved you he would have expressed his doubts and lack of love for you AND broken up BEFORE chasing after and bedding the other woman."

"IF he had really loved you he wouldn't have treated you the way he did."

BLOCK him, BLOCK his family. Neither are a source of positive energy or interactions.

Inviting you to his birthday WASN'T an act of kindness from him. He wasn't thinking about you at all. HE was trying to soothe his guilt. IF you had shown up he might have been able to convince himself and others that what he did was not "that bad".

All HE is concerned about is HIMSELF. So leave him to that. And YOU focus on YOUR life, your future - one without a cheating ex-fiance.

Shit happens. And then you move on.

At some point in time you might be able to wish him well, but you don't OWE him squat. He is responsible for his own happiness, as you are for yours.

I get that you are still hurt and angry about how he treated you, and that is OK for now. BUT do NOT let it make you a bitter jaded person. It will DO nothing for you. Don't let HIS actions make YOU a bitter person.

You are still going through the stages of grief. After all your plans "died" when he cheated and dumped you. And that is how it is. At some point you will get to the last stage (acceptance) and realize that there IS a silver lining here. If he hadn't cheated with HER, he might have with someone else AFTER the wedding. You are well rid of him.

Remember there are 7 stages:

Shock

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Testing

And

Acceptance.

Removing him (and his family) from your life will help you move through the various stages.

Stick to having positive people around you, and leave the negatives behind.

Chin up, this too shall pass.

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