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Should I ask my married lover for baby?

Tagged as: Cheating, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 January 2019) 13 Answers - (Newest, 21 January 2019)
A female Turkey age 26-29, anonymous writes:

So I have been seeing a man who lives with his common law wife and thier 2 kids.When we met he told me that he was in process of leaving her but now almost 2 years later he still lives at home and he won t see me outside his work hours.

Anyways, we ve been careless few several times and few months ago, accidentally got pregnant but sadly miscarriaged few weeks later

Ever since then I have this strong urge to be pregnant and I feel like my bilogical clock is ticking at 34. There was a point when my period was late months ago and he freaked out but then it turned out to be false alarm. So idk about the idea of him welcoming a baby.

I want to ask him to try for one.which would be having sex during my fertile window. Do you think he will say yes ?

View related questions: be pregnant, lives at home, period

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (21 January 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntGROW UP! Your child would be better off conceived through a reputable sperm donor agency than an affair! Stop being selfish. Good mothers aren't selfish, so fix yourself before trying to get pregnant.

- Dump the guy permanently

- Work on improving yourself because you need a serious attitude change

- Go to a sperm donor agency

You are putting immature "baby fever" over the life you would actually be able to give this baby. Being a single mum isn't an issue, provided you are a GOOD PERSON and you haven't been acting like one for the past two years.

Your child will grow up to hate you or themselves if you choose this cheating liar as their father. Please THINK about the future baby and put THEIR needs before yours. You WANT a baby because you feel you're running out of time, but you're not even behaving like a future mother needs to.

Do NOT ask him. Do NOT have sex with him again. Do NOT contact or see him any more. Move on with your life. Spend time by yourself and volunteering to improve your poor morals and selfishness. Then, and only then, are you an appropriate parent for a baby and should go to the sperm donor agency.

If you continue the way you have been and choose this cheater to be the father of your baby, your child will grow up wondering why you didn't love them enough to set a good example and why you deliberately chose to conceive them when you and their father were being terrible people. Put your future baby first and get your act together before risking pregnancy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHow would YOU feel if you husband was not only cheating on you, but being sexually irresponsible and possibly FATHERING kids with other women?

Just for one minute, STOP being so selfish, and PUT yourself in HER shoes.

That wouldn't bother you?

He has had 2 YEARS to leave her for you, but he hasn't done so because HE DOESN'T want to leave her for you. YOU aren't even worth seeing OUTSIDE of work, you are just a FUCK-TOY he uses during work hours.

And then let's think of this POOR child who will grow up PROBABLY NOT knowing his/her father, but perhaps KNOWING that his/her father have another family and a mother with absolutely no conscience or morals.

And then let's take this ONE step further, WHAT is you meet a REALLY good SINGLE man? But your problem is you had a child with a married and, NOT all DECENT men wants to raise some other man's child, LEAST of all some MARRIED man's kid.

You are SCREWED if you keep this going. And if you decide to get pregnant you are SCREWING up your kid life too.

Well done! sarcasm

STOP being irresponsible and unrealistic.

You want a partner and a child? FIND a single guy who wants to BOTH marry you and father a child with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm already 34 so chances of finding a single men who WANTS the same thing as me before my fertility declined are slim.If he refuses then I'm planning to go the sperm donor route.Whats the difference? I would be a single mom regardless.At this point in my life, I'm not looking for love but for a future baby daddy

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (20 January 2019):

chigirl agony auntSure, ask him. But have you considered having a baby with another man instead? Men who are already married with two kids, will not be able to provide for you. Babies cost money. Also, the child will not be able to live with or bond with its father. I understand your desire for a child, but I do not think this man is a good person to have a child with. Maybe now, that you know you want a child, you can find another man. Maybe a man that you can marry, or at least a man without a wife and other children. Find a man who can provide for a child and who can help you. For example, can this married man even take you to the hospital when you will give birth? Unless you give birth in his working hours? Just think about the practical aspects here.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 January 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWow! Are you really still that naive at 34 or is the urge to have a baby clouding your judgement completely?

This whole post is screwed up. You are both taking risks with contraception yet he "freaked out" when you thought you were pregnant.

I am not a gambling person but I will gladly make a bet with you that, if you DO get pregnant with his child, he will disappear so fast out of your life, you will get whiplash!

I have a question for YOU: why do you not think you are worth more than this man is offering you? Why would you want to be with someone who cheats on his partner? Would you be able to trust him at all? Wouldn't you just wonder what he was up to behind your back?

He is NOT going to leave his partner if he hasn't done already. If you behave yourself, you will remain his bit on the side for as long as he finds the relationship worthwhile. If you get demanding, pregnant or start to bore him, you will be dumped.

You need to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself why you think you are not worth better. Then leave this two-timing lying dirt bag and find someone who will make YOU his priority and who will not lie to you. You DESERVE that.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (20 January 2019):

N91 agony auntAre you actually being serious?

Wow is all I can say. You are willing to bring a poor baby into a situation where you’re being used for Sex? I’m sorry but this really rubbed me up the wrong way. This is stupid, I can’t believe you’re even considering this.

YOU ARE BEING USED FOR SEX. This man will NEVER leave his wife for you. How has he not made any headway with leaving her in 2 years? Super obvious: He isn’t going to leave her. Get your head out of the clouds.

So you’ve been pregnant once with his baby and lost it and the second time you had a scare he freaked out. Yeah, really sounds like a guy who wants a baby. Are you living on this planet with us? It’s hard to tell.

Get a grip, stop fucking another woman’s husband and find a man who is SINGLE and actually wants a baby. Why would you bring a child into this world that wouldn’t be loved or wanted by both parents?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019):

Sounds to me like you want us to justify you trapping your married man into having a baby.

I wouldn’t count on a happy outcome.

What you can count on is you getting pregnant, his wife finding out and kicking him out. Him coming to you NOT out of choice and resenting you for it. Meanwhile you will always have your eye over your shoulder watching him sneak off to beg his wife to take him back(atleast for the first few months). You’ll have to deal with his misery, bitterness, resentment and avoidance of any real help with your baby. Then after that he will go and do exactly the same to you as he’s done to his wife!

Right now all is fun, sneaking off to be with your married man and being able to meet up at the drop of a hat. Do you think he will stay interested once the excitement has gone? Once you start having to get a babysitter so you can get some alone time together?

In a nutshell you will open up a whole storm of chaos for yourself aswell as his family (not that you give much thought to them anyway with your current actions).

...but sure, if you want to bring a baby into this mess of a situation then go for it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well if it doesn't work out with him, I'm planning to go the sperm donor route. So I'm okay raising this child alone. I have serious baby fever

I know chances he will say No but its worth a try. If he says NO then I have to move on with my life and pursue a private donor

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019):

I think you've asked a question here before. Same country and it was about your married lover refusing to see you outside of work hours.

He's not going to leave his common-law wife for you and if you get pregnant he likely won't want to have anything to do with you. It seems as if he already doesn't want to have much to do with you. So No, just NO! If you're smart you'll dump him. Find someone who is free and willing to be a full-time father to your child. You've got several more years before your biological clock runs out of time.

If you do this you are making a big mistake. This would be unfair to yourself, your child and him.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (20 January 2019):

mystiquek agony auntI think you are going to open up Pandora's box. Have you really thought everything out or are you just thinking with the theory of "time is running out". Do you have any idea how many people will be hurt if you have a married man's baby? Do you care?

Will he say yes? Who knows. I wouldn't count on him being thrilled. He's already got a family. What makes you think he will leave them for you? Or do you care and will raise the child alone?

Again, I think you are asking for a whole lot of trouble. Good luck because the way you are thinking you are going to need it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019):

Sorry about your loss and I do hope one day that you will have your wish of a child. However, I am also sorry about your loss of a real man and your loss of self, by allowing your life to get wasted on somebody who is not free. I am sorry for his other partner who is also wasting her life.

Walk away and never look back start a real happy family before it is too late. .

He will never be free from his selfishness.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 January 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm sorry about your miscarriage. That said, do not put your affair on a baby's shoulders. "Your dad is a lying, slimy cheater who never left his wife for me and rejects you because of our affair. I'm just as bad for staying with a married man and having no sympathy for his wife and your half-siblings". Don't bring a baby into the world when you aren't a good example for them.

Find a SINGLE man and have a baby in a couple of years. The more time you waste on this guy who clearly doesn't love you or want a family with you the longer you'll have to wait for a baby. It's very selfish of you if you try to have one before you're in a committed relationship with someone who isn't already in a relationship.

If you stay in this affair, then you're wasting your life, but at least you're not affecting your child - as you clearly don't care about his kids and neither does he. If you bring a child into a world where their father is a cheat and their mother is a mistress, you are telling that child that they didn't deserve better. They deserve better than you are being, right now.

You know he's married and that he won't leave. Don't bother staying. If you stay, give up on having a baby because they will not be claimed by their father, as it will damage his marriage and he's not willing to own up to his affair, let alone accept a child from it.

My cousin has had a baby with a married man. That baby is nearly 4 years old and has never met her father because his wife would leave him. She will also never meet her half-siblings. You can't be silly enough to think two cheaters are the good role models a child needs?

If you were his wife, how would you feel about him cheating? Unless you'd be happy about it, leave him. If your child was cheated on, how would you feel? Unless you'd be happy about it, leave him.

Do NOT have a child with a man who will happily cheat on his family. He is NOT a good father to his own children, let alone one conceived in an affair.

OP, do some soul-searching. People who genuinely care about the well-being of their children will not bring them into the world when they are not in a healthy situation. An affair is clearly toxic and would be setting a terrible example for your baby. Not only that, but you'd be raising them on your own and they'd know they were rejected by their father.

Please, stop considering a baby until you have the common sense and strength to end the affair permanently and set yourself up in a good relationship. Your future baby deserves better than you can give them while you're having an affair.

Good mothers have good morals. You don't yet. You bring a baby into this mess and that baby will grow up with your selfish decision and their father's infidelity hanging over them FOR LIFE. That can RUIN people. Are you selfish enough to do that to your future baby or will you step up and do the right thing before conceiving a REAL (*single*) partner's child in a couple of years?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 January 2019):

Sure go ahead. If you want to see more drama and chaos than you've ever seen in your life. If he freaked-out when he thought you were pregnant, doesn't that tell you what he feels about it?

Maybe you'll end-up with a baby; while his ex-wife gets half what he has. If he already has kids, don't expect a lot of help with yours. If he leaves her, he just might not decide he wants to start another family.

I don't know the purpose you wrote your post. It sounds like you're trying to get yourself an involuntary sperm-donor. Nobody knows if he'd say yes, but him. I think you already know the answer to the question anyway.

You're certainly not too concerned about what kind of environment you'll be bringing that child into. With a father who probably will reject him or her; and might decide to ditch you for getting pregnant. Even though he's stupid enough to have unprotected-sex.

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