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I lied to my boyfriend about the time frame last time I had sex before him. He STILL doesn't know the actual truth. What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 January 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 24 January 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, *3chelciemarie writes:

Hey all!

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. We are both 26 years old and in very transitional phases of our lives. We also recently (within the last year) ended long term (3-6year) relationships. Both relationships were very bad for each of us consisting of emotional abuse and manipulation. We both were cheated on. So... clearly this new relationship will be one big learning experience lol.

I was able to mostly cope and process my breakup since my ex, and I have been broken up with him for a year and a half. (We were together 6 years).

His breakup however ended about 3 months before we started seeing each other, so sometimes I think he still needs to process some things.

The issue I am asking about is about "lying". When my BF and I started talking, I was also still dating other people. So leading up to my BF and I's first date, I had had sex with another man about a week before my current BF and my first date. Let me preface this was our first date EVER, we were not in any type of relationship, and this was his first time asking me out.

After our first date however, my BF was the only guy I continued to see after that. (So I was not seeing anyone else.)

Once we started to get to know each other more over time, we had got on the topic of sexual partners and the last time we had had sex before. I didn't want my BF to think badly of me so I told him it had been about 2 months before.

Fast forward to last week and it slipped out that it was a couple weeks before him. He got very upset about this. He said that he couldn't believed that I would lie to him, and why didn't I just tell him the truth before. I tried to explain that it was because I didn't want him to think badly of me, and that the lie did not come from a malicious cheating type place. He even went as far to say that if he would've known I had had sex so soon before, he probably wouldn't have pursued a relationship so quickly.

He has since apologized for that last comment. I could understand if he was upset if I had lied, but he cannot be upset about what I did prior to the relationship. Both him and I were single before our first date, and what happened before shouldn't matter. We talked about it a lot, and we seemed to get through it, and come to an understanding.

The only problem I have now, is that in his mind I had sex with someone else a few weeks before, but in reality it was a week. He still does not know that small detail. A part of me feels guilty and I want to tell him this, but I also feel afraid to tell him that, seeing how much he overreacted to the first "lie". I put lie in parenthesis because I don't believe they were that big of lies.

I am not sure what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

View related questions: emotionally abusive, my ex, sex with another

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019):

Bullet: dodged.

I think every couple goes into some conversation about their past relationship/sex history, in varying degrees. But what I will tell you is that while I have not outright lied about certain elements of my past to my wife, there's a lot she doesn't know. She doesn't need to. She has found out the occasional thing here and there.

Don't let it bother you. It came as a surprise to him that you kinda white lied to him- it would upset anyone. But he's accepted it and dealt with it- he knows it isn't that important a thing. So just don't bring it up again, keep it your private little memory. This time, what he doesn't know really won't hurt him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2019):

It amazes me that so many people feel the need to share their prior sexual history to a current boyfriend. It is no ones business. If he asked you this question, you had no obligation to answer. This shows an insecurity on his part for asking this and now because you answered, you're being punished. This is abusive on his part.

Regardless if it was a week or 2 months prior, it was none of his business and I'd be quite offended that he'd asked such a personal question.

I would seriously think carefully about this relationship as this is early signs of what's to come.

Good luck.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (21 January 2019):

N91 agony auntYeah, a good suggestion would be to NEVER discuss this kind of thing. Who the hell wants to know when their partner last fucked someone before them? What a stupid topic for discussion. The amount of times I’ve seen questions like this and just have to wonder ‘why?’. It just makes no sense for a discussion.

You were NOT an item when you last had sex so it is NONE of his business. It doesn’t matter if you had sex the hour before your date together. When you’re single you can do whatever the hell you like! Of course, he has the option not to date you for that reason, but that’s on him, he has no right to judge you on the sexual choices that you make, especially whilst single.

If he brings it up again, tell him he needs to deal with it. Either accept it or sling his hook. Moaning about it won’t change anything and isn’t constructive. You lied to spare his feelings, I get it. The situation wouldn’t have arose if the topic of conversation didn’t come up.

My GF has asked me MULTIPLE times about my sexual history. I have told her very clearly that I will NOT discuss that topic. All it causes is bad feelings as it’s a huge can of worms, learn from this.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntAmen to YouWish's advice..

SHUT THE HELL up about previous sex-partners and sexual escapades!~

It is BEFORE his time and none of his fucking business. All you do is make him doubt you and feel insecure.

If you don't want to date a guy then tell him ALL the details and see how fast he will dump you!

YOU do NOT owe a guy a resume or itinerary of your previous sex partner with a full time line, dates , positions etc.

It didn't "just" slip out. YOU should have nipped ANY conversations about "last time you had sex" in the bud as it DOES NOT pertain to your CURRENT relationship ONE IOTA.

Don't DIG around in yesterday's trash. for goodness sake. It help NO ONE.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 January 2019):

YouWish agony auntYeah. I have a suggestion. How about "Shut the hell up about previous relationships and sexual history?"

It has nothing to do with him, and he deals with retroactive jealousy anyways. Stop bringing past sexual activity or past men into this present relationship! Just STOP TALKING! You are in the here and now. As far as whether it was two months, two weeks, or two DAYS before you went out with this guy makes no difference.

You are in a new relationship. The more you keep talking about this, the more I wonder if this relationship is only based on rebound. If it isn't, then stop talking about the past. Don't go back and tell him you lied again. Leave it be! If he asks, be vague and tell him that you are not going to bring the past in and that while you two have been together, there's no one else. THat is the only truth that mtters in this case.

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