A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i am currently engaged to my partner of just over 2years.I have since constantly found images he has taken of women in public, on screens or saved of women. Also the usual porn etc... On his phone, email, playstation, in our new home (dvd's, books, usb stick etc.. (names of porn stars, singers and actresses).I understand it has been an ongoing sexual habit (peeping tom voyeur) for him for years and I know he has now quit! Researching and saving and taking images of women. Even staring at them in public (whilst we are together)But I still have an unease with the fact all these women bear no resemblance to me in features, hair or skin tone, he has 2 types I see that are persistent with these women.I am black he is white and whilst race is not an issue after seeing/finding thousands upon thousands of images of women he is attracted to (that are nothing like me) it is very hard to be truly comfortable. As not just tastes preference but just generally around women. He could not go to a concert for instance without then saving images of the singers thighs when he got home. Nor am i truly comfortable in the belief i am who he wants to be with when visually, I didnt even make 1% of his visual taste (except body type) yet he says i am the most beautiful women he has ever seen?And was blown away instantly when we met and later asked me to marry him.Nice I know, but makes no sense to me! Ive seen it all years and years of his perving and nothing like myself!
View related questions:
engaged, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 April 2015):
 Like maverick494, I don't quite understand what you mean- that you accept / tolerate what your bf is doing because you know WHY he is doing it ?...Strange.
Ted Bundy's case has been studied by tons of psychiatrists and criminologists by now, and they have come up with very likely explanations, or at least very acceptable theories , about why he was doing what he was doing. Still, you would not want to date Ted Bundy, would you ?!
Of course your bf is not on par with a serial killer like Bundy and not as socially dangerous. Still, one would say that his peculiar hobby should make him an unsavoury , unappealing and inappropriate match for ... well, anybody.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (28 April 2015):
Hi OP, I just read your follow up. I don't really understand what you're trying to say. Do you really believe that the reasons for his actions (which you have not disclosed) are an excuse? Because what he's doing is inexcusable, regardless of what mental issues he's grappling with.
Don't marry him. You can do so much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): I POSTED THE QUESTION!!! PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVE THE TIMEThe reason I am still with him well living with him at least is because I know that he has his issues and what issues have caused him to behave this way mentally!I am no saint none of us are and yes I was sickened to my stomach when I first found out too! Until I realised the reasons for his behaviours. Therefore I wanted to seek opinion on one things I can not get my head around (in which the rest I have). Of course I am not truly over it nor is he we are both seeking professional help individually and apart.He has a track record for objectifying women and yes it is disgusting.This has hit me hard as goes against all my morel codes/standards. I have given him the time of day due to love.To be honest women who think that just porn is OK also allow for such behaviours as do media and up-bringing of men in general. That women are there for there pleasure only this is nothing new!!!Since this has come about I have been so vigilant in this department and see this things most days...Men with there women and behaving just as disrespectful and VULGAR! I asked this question not through vanity or insecurity!Ive had time to understand my partners ex sexually addictive habits as that is what they are (Does not take away from what it entails) But understandable if he has extremely low self esteem, he would not have the guts to approach a women, but rather watch from afar (taking as he wished) It sickens me that he, the women and myself have had to experience something so disgusting!So I guess my answer or interest will go unanswered!Thank you for all your support and please I do not disagree with any comments.Thank you for taking the time to read
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 April 2015):
 I'm 100% with Ciar.
Tea-towels indeed. Fleshed out tea-towels.
And personally I would be WAY more concerned with that fact that he is into pictures of women WHO DID NOT GIVE HIM THEIR permission to have their picture taken.
I agree with WiseOwlE - he needs help. That behavior is sick and disrespectful.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): He's a voyeur and not just into porn. Why are you now changing your tune and making it ALL about whether YOU are HIS body type?? SURELY the glaring issue is that he collected images of women from the street etc., parts of their bodies.. OBVIOUSLY for masturbation later etc. etc. If my wife was doing that I would leave her! Regardless of whether I was the same body type or the "right" body type for her.
Stuff this guy, he's disgusting. Sure me MAY NOTICE someone attractive, but taking snapshots of parts of their anatomy is twisted in the head. Sorry, he is sick and you are looking for some kind of answer that will suit your question with what you want to hear.
Why would you want to marry a sicko???
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (26 April 2015):
 To answer your question about the variety of his tastes, that is because to him, women are not real people. We're a collection of body parts.
Think of your tea towels. You might have a favourite colour or type, but really any will do as long as it does the job. That's what women are to him. A means to an end.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 April 2015):
What? He takes pictures of strange women without their knowledge or consent for sexual pleasure and you are "uncomfortable"?
What are you doing with this creep? He is violating women and possibly breaking the law, and just to be clear this is not only creepy, it is incredibly scuzzy and also a bit frightening.
Who cares whether you are his type? Run. Your story made the hair stand up on my arms. Your guy is a complete dirtbag.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (26 April 2015):
You know what stands out for me in this post? That you are only concerned with whether or not you're his type and not the least bit concerned about the women he's been secretly watching and photographing.He's a parasite. He feeds off others and offers little to nothing in return and all you care about is whether or not you're his number one. He's a bad guy, OP, but as long as he makes YOU feel special...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): Thank you for all of your responses! The problem I have is it was not just porn, porn I understand it was the fact it was a serious problem concerning women all walks of life like i said looking for nude actresses after a film or photos from a gig or public! I dont really care for porn. But yes before it all came out in the open our sex life was poor and he was poor with me too (emotionally) Now that has changed due to him changing those habits. Thats something that has kept us together amongst other things. I also understand his lack of confidence and motivation hence not approaching these women rather than taking photos etc. But there are alot of similarities with these women that go down 2 roads...So very confusing to me how I could be the 'specail' one really that is something that still unsettles me.He is going to seek help and we have attended some couple therapy but so expensive it had to stop. I can see alot of changes if i didnt then I would not still be here, but this does haunt me still esp unanswered questions to pref.I am comfortable in my skin and ive doubted myself in that respect before but this has caused me to question my view of him and my view of myself to him and what his concerns are with me if i dont represent those things he seeks!The first part of any addiction is to understand and accept you have one it has taken him a while but he does now.Other than porn (fantasies) any views on why i am the odd one out to 'marry' in this picture?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): Be VERY cautious about this, really, marrying this man would be a HUGE mistake. As both previous posters have said or insinuated, this is perverted behaviour and who knows what he may do in future, has already done... or is doing when you are out of sight.Staring at other women when you are out together is very disrespectful, but sometimes men can be kind of ignorant about what upsets us, and as my bf said, we have to pull on their choke chain lol. Porn, if it's not excessive and not spoiling our sex life, or anything illegal or concerning like bestiality etc., no issue. But this is way weird.A mate of mine was dating someone who had some really shifty behaviours in public. He had really long hair and he used to kind of hide his face behind it. Like she'd be with him on a train or something and she'd see him doing this "peering" thing from under his hair and it was always at schoolgirls. Say no more about what she found on his phone and computer. This man was 50. He had MASSIVE issues and was obsessed with teenagers. NO GO AREA. You are also in one. Get away from him!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): I know you will get responses from some who say it means nothing that the women are nothing like you, I disagree . I'm afraid I'm on board with you and believe that a persons porn preference says a lot about real
Life preferences
The argument that ' if a man wanted a porn star instead of the woman he is with he would get one' is nothing short of ridiculous . Women who look like that are in the minority and most men couldn't get a woman who looked like that no matter how they tried as the competition for these few women is high.
I feel that you are best looking for man who prefers a woman with similar physical atftributes as yours to save knowing you are second best in his eyes
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 April 2015):
 If it were only a question of his porn stash being of women that didn't resemble you, I would say... not a big deal. Fantasy and reality are two very different things and people's tastes in porn often do not align perfectly (or in some cases at all) with their preferences in real life. An ex of mine had probably thousands of porn videos on his computer and we would watch them together sometimes to add a little spice to the bedroom. Not one of the women looked like me. At all. I am very tall for a woman, with all the cleavage of an ironing board, and I don't wear makeup. How often do you see that look in porn? Um, never. But I am comfortable in my own skin and was not threatened by the difference. After I broke up with him (over something completely unrelated to porn) he went on to date two girls with features and a body type nearly identical to mine. (He married the second one.) It is beyond clear to me that his porn preference did not match his real-life preferences, because even if he couldn't have scored an actual porn star, he could have gotten a lot closer to that "look" than he did with any of the women he chose to date.
What concerns me about your post is NOT your boyfriend's taste in porn but his behavior around and toward women in general. The concert example you provide is just plain creepy because it goes beyond porn (interchangeable naked women) to fixation with specific parts of a specific woman's body. The fact that you consider him a peeping Tom? Huge red flag. Because peeping Tom behavior goes above and beyond mere porn use to actual invasive and illegal actions that could get him in serious trouble with the law. You are absolutely right to be concerned. It is not surprising to me that you feel uncomfortable with this man because what you describe is someone who, here in the United States, would be well on his way to classification as a sex offender. If he is "taking images" that are sexual in nature without the knowledge or consent of his female subjects, he is violating every woman he does this to. Period.
Do not get married to this guy. He may tell you that he has quit this "ongoing sexual habit," but without professional intervention (therapy, rehab, etc) that is very hard to believe -doubly so because you keep finding these images that he has supposedly quit collecting.
Get out now and don't look back.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): You are engaged to a man who keeps images he has taken unbeknownst to random women? You only feel "uncomfortable" about it? Without a doubt, they aren't just innocent passing pictures you take on a day in the park; but capture women vulnerable and unaware.
He has thousands of images?
This man reeks of possible sex-offender! How can you call it "perving;" and still want to marry this man? Voyeurism is a crime, and he can be prosecuted if he gets caught!
How would it make you feel any better if pictures taken of women without their permission or knowledge looked like you?
They don't look like you; because they are random and he has no particular preference. It's an opportunistic and predatory venture he's into; and he needs professional help, not a wife.
For your sake, I hope you continue to feel more and more uncomfortable until you come to your senses.
...............................
|
