A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I need help as I don’t know what to do. I have been with my partner for 10 years we have four kids together but I can’t trust him. When we first got together he used to stay out all night. This stopped and a couple of years later I found text messages on his phone from his ex g/f planning to meet up. He didn’t go as I found out about it. We sorted this out but a few years after I have found payday loans that he’s had and a credit card that has been maxed out! Money has gone out of my bank account to online gambling sites! I am trying to work through all this as we have the four kids but I have never put our relationship at risk like this and I really don’t know what to do! Sometimes I think we should work it out as I do love him but other times I just think it would b easier if I were on my own and I would b able to relax please help
View related questions:
gambling, his ex, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u for the advice i know i should leave him its in the best interest of my children. I now just have to pluck up the courage to tell him. Thanks again x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): "Thanks for ur advice guys i am goin to take it on board. I have already tried the seperate bank accounts he so sneaky and always finds the account number so that doesnt work."Just finding out your separate bank account number doesn't give him legal access to your money. If he is actually accessing your money then he is doing something criminal and punishable by law. OP, I'm one of the previous female anon posters who advised separate bank accounts. This new bit of information reveals that he is even worse than you originally let on. Not only is he "bad with money" and unfaithful, but he is also a BLATANT THIEF.If you have already created your own separate bank account and kept it from him and he found his way into it without your permission, that is a whole new level of wrongdoing. Just because you are the mother of his kids doesn't mean that what he's doing is no longer considered a criminal offence. I want to change my advice to you. I now think you should break up with him immediately and permanently. Don't even bother trying to protect yourself in this relationship. End the relationship immediately.And then you should report him to the police for breaking into your bank account. think about it. If a complete stranger got into your bank account, wouldn't you panic and file a police report?? just because you know who it is who's doing it, why wouldn't you take the same action?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): "Should be try to work it out? He is hopeless with money"Nothing you can do to "work it out;" boyfriend/baby daddy has an addiction to gambling. He will NOT stop gambling until he decides he has a problem and seeks help or he hits rock bottom (likely prison) or he dies, whichever comes first, and the first two possibilities do not guarantee he will stop or relapse. Boyfriend/baby daddy is not "hopeless" with money; he has an addiction to gambling. He will NOT stop gambling until he decides he has a problem and seeks help or he hits rock bottom (likely prison) or he dies, whichever comes first, and the first two possibilities do not guarantee he will stop or relapse. Since you are not married, I suggest you see a lawyer to get an order of child support and garnish his wages before he can gamble his entire paycheck away. Since you are not married, I suggest you see a lawyer to protect your assets from his creditors and from him.Since you are not married, I suggest you see a lawyer to possibly file grand larceny charges against him for stealing money from your bank account.Since you are not married, I suggest you see a lawyer to make sure his children's legal interests are protected absent his having a legal relationship (marriage, blood, adoption) with their mother. Since you are not married, I suggest you see a lawyer to make sure your children's legal interests are protected absent you having a legal relationship (marriage, blood, adoption) with their father.Since you are not married, there is no legal relationship, spiritual vows, or moral obligation keeping the two of you together; and since your children's intersts should always come first before yours or their father's then you should consider what is best for them rather than worrying about a "partnership" that doesn't exist in the eyes of the law or the eyes of your "partner."
...............................
A
female
reader, Sarah2121  +, writes (10 October 2012):
Wow, I just had to reply to this. I am having the same problem with my bf. He started staying up all night and I asked what was he up to and he would say he was working on a website. Later that month he told me that he was actually online gambling and lost 7k on his credit card! I almost died. Luckily we both live at home and his parents have helped him pay it back but seriously it's scary! And to think your partner has four kids to look after...
I instructed my bf to cancel his cards (which he did in front of me because I didn't trust him after he lied) and I've told him if I ever find out he's gambling again I will leave him. I suggest you do the same.
He's only 23 so I think it will be something he had to avoid for the rest of his life. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (10 October 2012):
You can make a secret account, you just have to be more careful at hiding it. For starters it needs to be on your name only. You may even want to get a separate (small) wallet for it. Redirect your income to that account and stash savings on it too. Then you need to contact the credit card companies and end those accounts. Don't just get your name removed because he'll still be able to use it. End it and if you get a new one, put it only on your name.
He's going to suck you dry if you don't do something about it. Talk to him about being responsible with money, but only AFTER you've secured yours somewhere he can't reach.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for ur advice guys i am goin to take it on board. I have already tried the seperate bank accounts he so sneeky and always finds the account number so that doesnt work. I think i am just gonna have to pluck up the courage and just take care of me an the kids and let him sort himself out as im too tired to do it! Thanks again x
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 October 2012):
 I also just wanted to add that one of the other aunts said keep your money away from him.
I know that this doesn't always work and when they are still living with you or in your life, they will lie, cajole, sweet talk, nag, beg, threaten and blackmail the money out of you any way they can.
They are very clever and very selfish and until you have total detachment, you never have any peace.
This post brought up some very old and nasty memories for me, it made me shudder and my only regret was that I didn't divorce him sooner!!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 October 2012):
I sympathise 100%. I was married to a gambler for nearly 20 years and we had 2 kids. I know the frustration of never having any money, worrying how you are going to py the bills and feed the kids...god I remember it so well and even today it makes me cringe. I also loved my husband completely but I discovered he had stolen money off of other family members and I was horrified...it was like I never knew him at all and I was desperately sad and worried for me and the kids.
We were very close to losing our home and I decided after half my life with him that enough was enough. I loved him...but he was draining me and my life. I worked full time (after the kids went to school) and I was completely broke!!!...all the time!!!...and he didn't care, he only cared about him and his habit and his next fix...
So I divorced him, was given what was left of my home and being freed from him having access to my wages, I saved the house and I moved on.
He still has the same problems (proof that with or without me, he would always be a gambler)
My life is still tough but not as tough as when I was with him. I have to be careful with money, but I can sleep nights, help my kids (who have now grown up) and know that everything is paid for.
Remember it is not you that has to sort out his issues...ONLY HE CAN SORT HIS ISSUES and he will have them with you or without you until he takes responsibility for them. Right now you are dangling on a string over a cliff...one more major slip up from him and you all go down.
Time to climb back in and save yourself and the kids.
You can still love him but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your happiness, your life and your future.
You need to start steering towards your own future because life is way too short.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Hi
He isnt exactly Mr Reliable is he,I am surprised you have had 4 children with him.
He clearly always needs something to stimulate him be it other women or gambling,you have to make a choice here.Do you think he will ever change?
You cannot risk the huge debts which gambling can bring,not when you have 4 children and their home to run.Keep your money away from him,you pay the bills.He needs to know it can't go on,so he gets professional help or you split up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): yeah I agree that maybe you should seriously consider becoming a single mom. You have 4 kids to raise and look after. That's a lot of work and responsibility. You do not need this extra crap to deal with from this guy. It's been 10 years already, how much longer you going to wait? if he hasn't changed by now it's highly unlikely he ever will. If he is not going to be a partner in the real sense of the word, if he's a hindrance rather than a help then why keep him around? what does he bring to the table?what he's been doing is in my opinion a relationship deal breaker. doesn't matter how many kids he has created with you. he is undermining your efforts to provide for your family and is undermining your personal relationship with him. therefore in my opinion he has no place in your home. he can still visit the kids and spend time with them as their dad, that is a separate issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): He sounds like my husband. Been married 16 years.If you insist on not ending this relationship, then you need to make adjustments to protect yourself. You need to assume that he is never going to change, and do what you have to do for YOUR own safety and well-being.At the very least you need to keep separate credit cards and bank accounts, and not let him have access to yours, and not bail him out of his credit card bills.This way he cannot ruin you financially. Nor can he take away money that you have earned to spend it on things that benefit only himself. Make an agreement as to who will pay which bills each month, then each person pay their share from their own bank account. That way he does not ever need to access your money. And whatever he does with his own money is up to him, as long as he pays the bills he's supposed to. And don't bail him out if he fails to make payments he's supposed to. If he runs out of money to pay the electric bill, for example, and thus your electricity gets cut off (has happened to me because my hb failed to pay the utility bill), you should not jump in and pay it, that would be absolving him of his responsibility. Instead you take the kids to stay overnight in a hotel or at a friend's house until he gets his s*** together and pays the bill. Until he does, he will have to go without electricity by himself at home. if he wants to keep maxing out his credit cards and go into debt, that's his problem, you will not help him out, he's on his own. Just protect yourself so he doesn't get YOU into trouble.when budgeting for the future, assume that you only have your own income and make your financial plans based on that. Otherwise you will go nuts wondering how much money your household really has since you dont' know what his current financial status is or will be.as for him texting his ex - nothing you can do about it, so again if you insist on not ending this relationship you're just gonna have to live with it and make mental adjustments such as to not trust him with your emotions and to not expect much of him.in other words, you need to put a lot more 'distance' between you and him from now on, to protect yourself so you don't get harmed emotionally and financially. that will mean that your relationship won't be anywhere as intimate as most other relationships or as it is supposed to be. But you do what you have to do, that's a trade off if you want to stay in some sort of relationship with this guy.if things get really bad, you may want to make plans to live in separate households further down the road, or keep that as a back up option. (do you see where this is going...?) not all people are cut out for relationships, they will end up doing more harm to the other person, and he could be one of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2012):
 Well I suggest you separate your money and stop him from having access to "your" income. That way at least one of the two parents are able to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads and food in their mouths.Then the 2 of you need to sit down and make a budget. Since YOU are the responsible one, I suggest you make a second account where you put your part and his part of the months costs into and from where you pay your bills. I would NOT give him access til he can prove some how that he CAN be responsible. Also maybe he needs to look into getting some help with the online gambling.Maybe, it would be easier for you to be a single mum. If that is what you feel you need to do, then get your ducks in a row and do it. You are already raising 4 kids, do you really need another "adult" kid to try and raise as well?
...............................
|
